GUESS WHO'S BACK?
I don’t know about you, but I have desperately missed the power rankings. I’ve missed football too, sure, but not quite like I missed judging things and putting them in some sort of order. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve started to try it in other aspects of my life.
Over the past 6 months, I’ve tried various different kinds of coffee creamer just to determine which was best (Chobani vanilla, by the way). While going on walks with Christa, I’d watch ducks swim across the water and rank them by their grace. I’d catch myself watching Queer Eye on Netflix just to rank the Fab 5 (1. Jonathan, 2-4. Antoni, Karamo and/or Tan depending on the episode, and Bobby always in last).
I’ve become bitter, spiteful, and cruel over these last few months, honing my sharpness and dreaming up ways to dash others' hopes and dreams. So you can imagine my excitement when I was able to watch a real football game on Thursday night. I didn’t truly believe that the NFL season would happen. Sure, I went through the motions of the draft, but not with nearly the same vigor I had before. Every player on my team was likely to spend their Sundays at home playing Xbox like me.
But with that opening kickoff, I realized that my time had come: I’d be able to put each of our teams in focus and pick them apart piece-by-piece, as it should be.
So, without further ado, I’d like to welcome you all back to the TCL Power Rankings. I’ve run each of our teams through FootballGuys.com to determine the likelihood that we make playoffs (according to them). The order is determined by the percentages they gave, but the prose is purely mine.
To be fair, I miss each one of you dearly and I hope that you’re able to laugh while reading these. I sure missed writing them.
1.) Pour One Out for Mahomes - 83.33% of making Playoffs
If anyone made a big mistake this year, it sure wasn’t Gabe. In the midst of a pandemic, nestled uncomfortably amongst the fires raging throughout California, and facing the overwhelming pressures of Fantasy Football, Gabe didn’t so much as bat an eye.
There was no fluff this year. No games. No second-guessing. Drafting remotely and not having to worry about his rivalry with Justin, Gabe set up his picks and knocked them down. It’s astonishing how well-rounded his team is. I mean, the man has it all: A top QB, 2 top RBs, and a healthy mix of floor guys and lottery tickets at WR.
Gabe only has one top-3 finish ever despite being in the league for 5 seasons. He has, however, made improvements each season. Last year, despite a 4-9 record, Gabe snuck his way into the playoffs by having the 4th most points scored in the league. This begs the question: Is Gabe’s lack of success due to a lack of skill or a lack of luck?
We’ve had plenty of unskilled owners take bad teams to Championships, but I would argue that Gabe puts in the time and effort to grab the right players to put himself in position to win…only they have yet to come through.
Since returning to the league in the 2016 expansion, Gabe has made the playoffs 3 times (75% PAP). Only once was he ever in the top 6 in terms of record. Gabe is officially the most unlucky owner in the history of the league.
This year looks to be his year, though. This is the 3rd time Gabe has been in the Top 3 of the Preseason Power Rankings, which is the most of all-time. More importantly, however, Gabe has made the playoffs each year he ranked in the Top 3 after the draft.
We here in the Head Office wish him the best of luck on his climb up the mountain.
2.)
Low Expectations - 80.33% chance of making Playoffs
I sat here for a great while trying to figure out if Gabbie’s team name is supposed to be taken at face value or if she is coyly playing off of Charles Dickens’ penultimate novel, Great Expectations. It was about six hours in, after many drinks and many episodes of The Mandalorian that I realized Gabbie was a genius.
Great Expectations, as we all know, begins in a graveyard. Well, not just does it start there, but it specifically begins with a mugging in a graveyard. As we all learned on our re-reads this April, it is the tale of dichotomies: Rich and Poor, Love and Hate, Good and Evil. It has an exuberant cast of characters and reflects the great diversity of society both back when Dickens first penned it as well as today.
But Gabbie’s play on the name isn’t a mere reflection. It is looking us in the face and forcing us to address the differences: Gabbie didn’t draft this team. She does not deserve this spot in the rankings. While we toiled and sweated and swore at each other, Gabbie sat at home with her husband and her dog without a care in the world. While we were busy mugging each other in the mud and the rain amongst the tombstones, Gabbie laid her head on her silk pillows and slept soundly.
It’s poetic, in a way…the great divide between her efforts and ours…But not as great as the divide between her and Justin’s team…
3.)
Kelce Grammer - 75.33% chance of making Playoffs
Whilst stuck at home this year, aside from reading the works of Charles Dickens, Christa and I rewatched the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. First thing’s first: They hold up. Go watch them on Disney+.
But the reason I’m bringing this up is because of “The Code.” In the classic motion pictures, there were only 2 factions of seafarers: The British and the aforementioned Pirates. Vessels brandishing the Union Jack were held to a strict set of rules under either British Naval Command or East Indian Trading Company’s book of the merchant (If you’re ever interested in delving into the lore, it’s a fascinating way to spend a couple days and I highly recommend it). Pirate ships, however, follow The Code.
The Code is both a ruleset by which Pirates “conduct business” (heavy quotes) and also a history of Piracy. In all my years of Fantasy Football, I considered all of us to be playing under a similar code. Every year we adjust the ruleset and I grow to be more and more stubborn on my views of owners, players, and team names.
I never thought there could be a perfect team name…until now.
“Kelce Grammer.” Just say it. It rolls off your tongue like sweet
smoke. And if that wasn’t enough, Will matched it with the perfect photo.
As for Will’s team? I mean, it could really go either way. Will has become a master at taking advantage of others’ stupidity: snagging great players left and right who slipped here and there. He drafted fast and loose, robbing all of us of values like Jack Sparrow did the British of their prized flagship: The Dauntless.
But with that value-seeking comes trouble: The Dauntless was far too large to be sailed by two men and Will’s team is FULL of glass. His running backs are either fragile or are entrenched in contract “hold-ins” (or both). [EDITOR’S NOTE: Cook signed an extension today, ending his hold-in] His wide receivers are already hurt: Cooper with his mysterious Cooper injuries and Sutton with a shoulder that’s as shredded as a pig’s at South by Southwest.
If they stay healthy and clean up their acts, Will’s team could be a monster on his way to a 3rd championship. If not, then it appears that he robbed us all of Fool’s gold.
4.) Bear Force One - 69.33% chance of making Playoffs
I gotta hand it to the man: He showed up with a good team name. But I also need to call him out for his unprofessional behavior at the draft. We all know that I really don’t like to call people on their behavior, particularly when it comes to my father…but some things are just over the line.
I can forgive him trying to hurry people up while they were on the clock despite the fact that we were on Zoom and everyone could see him. I can forgive him for turning down my overly generous trade offers. But I cannot sit idly by after he snapped at my Saint of a mother for printing out the wrong rankings.
This is a grown man who runs a business in the United States of America. I cannot wager a guess on how many spreadsheets or how much data my father has viewed over the course of his lifetime, but one of the first things you should know is when the data was taken. This man snapped when he was told that his player rankings were a few days old knowing fully well that Melinda, the patron of charity that she is, printed them out 4 days prior before venturing off into the wilderness to study.
He could have made his own rankings, but he didn’t. He could have printed out ESPN’s the day of the draft, but he didn’t. Instead, he loudly said the most profane of curse words that a Catholic boy like me would never dare to repeat. It starts with “F” and rhymes with “truck” and the emphasis on said word certainly did not lend him any favors.
Now look, I can sit here and commend him for building an even team for a change, but I should note that after public and documented criticism of Sean’s draft strategies in the past (taking rival players), a man who has donned the Silver and Black for over 4 decades is planning on starting a Chief, a Charger, and (worst of all) a Bronco while keeping his token Raiders on the bench.
It’s a despicable showing and I will not stand for it. Mom bought her first new car and you hit her with the F-word. What, was that supposed to be funny? What was Lamar Jackson? A warning shot? That was my son. What did I ever do to yours but be one of them? There's a storm that's gaining speed and power…They say we haven't had a storm this bad since last year’s playoffs...Have we displeased you, you feckless thug?
You get Edwards.
5.)
Fast Eddie - 65.67% chance of making Playoffs
Eddie’s roster this year is the quintessential quarantine team: Full of guys with hope and possibility while still sitting on nothing tangible. It is the “Yeah I think I’ll take up pottery” of Fantasy teams. You’re not taking up pottery, Nick. You spent all that good money at Michael’s for clay that’s wasting away in the closet under those empty Thank You notes.
Look, we all knew what Eddie’s first pick would be. He’s a smart guy. He made the right move. But after that you can either be the hands or you can be the clay. Eddie was the clay.
OK, wait. That’s too harsh. He made more smart moves: Aaron Jones and Kenny Golladay. Good picks. But THEN…he took Tyler Lockett and Todd Gurley. More good picks.
Let’s re-shape my analogy here: Eddie’s team is the perfect
quarantine team because while you sit and look at it and think it’s fine and
good, you also go online and see all the other teams bragging about how productive
they are or how much fun they’re having. Eddie made the best decisions that
were presented to him, but he somehow needed to do more. He had to get risky.
He had to get frisky…but he played it smart and safe the whole way.
Helen Keller (before becoming a noted communist) once said, “Security is mostly a superstition. Fantasy Football is either a daring adventure or nothing.” I tend to agree with that. If we’re going to go through this wild season, then why not take a risk here and there. Why not reach on a player who could burn out in Week Two? We can always fill our roster with players on the Waiver Wire, but we can never fill the hole in our hearts for playing things too safe.
It’s not a bad roster by any stretch of the imagination, but until things kick off I have zero idea whether this baby will float or sink.
6.)
Jeff Buck Yourself - 62.33% chance of making Playoffs
We’re not all poets.
A little over a year ago, while frantically working through wedding preparation, Sean helped throw my Bachelor Party. It was an incredible weekend that I will never forget it as long as I live. While I will not lay out the details of that weekend on the internet, there is one small snippet that. I’d like to share here:
One night, I sat on the deck of the cabin with my brothers and closest friends. The sun had set hours before and Sean passed out cigars. We stayed and chatted, smoking and drinking from the various bottles of whiskey brought up to Mount Charleston. Legend has it that the Mountain ran dry that weekend…
Anyway, as we sat back, discussing our personal philosophies and worldviews, debating as great minds do, Sean was asked if he had any advice for the others in attendance.
Sean took a long drag of his cigar, letting the smoke linger in his jaw for added emphasis before exhaling it into the chilled mountain air. The crowd grew silent aside from an owl in the distance. Sean looked off into the hills, searching both the tree line and his heart for an answer. He lifted his hand, bringing his whiskey to his face.
“Well,” he began, breaking the silence before further emphasizing it by taking a long swig of his booze. “That’s easy…”
“Draft running back early and often.”
Well, he drafted them early but he sure as shit didn’t draft them often. After taking Clyde Edwards-Helaire and Josh Jacobs early (and missing out on a slew of good team names), Sean only took ONE running back over the next TEN rounds.
This game is about depth. Sean knows this. He has one championship, after all. But for whatever reason, in that basement on August 23rd, Sean betrayed himself.
He has two very good running backs and a deep stable of serviceable receivers, but without proper roster maintenance, this team could drop as rapidly as I did that fateful weekend up at Mount Charleston.
7.)
Sunday Scaries - 58.67% chance of making Playoffs
The “Sunday Scaries” are that feeling you get late in a weekend when you realize that you have work in a few hours. It’s the anxiety that you feel in the back of your neck knowing that you have five long days ahead of you before you get to enjoy life again.
But this year? In 2020? It’s the dread of knowing that, no matter what you do, I have the Championship and I’m not giving it up.
Not only was last year’s team the greatest in the illustrious (and quite hilarious) history of The Captain’s League, but I am far and away the winningest and highest-scoring owner this league has ever known. Despite all my trash talk and all my nonsense. Despite each of you gunning for me every week, I have bested you.
And now, I’ve beaten you before the season even started.
Since our inception, here is where the eventual Champion sat in the Preseason Power Rankings: 7th, 10th, 9th, 12th, 11th, 6th, and 7th. You don’t want to start the season high, you want to finish it high, and that’s how this roster has been constructed. Preseason rankings only take projections into account, and projections go out the window come 10am on Sunday.
Bellcow running backs, analytics darlings at receiver, a quarterback who will have no choice but to outscore the explosive offenses in his division, and depth. This is my Death Star. And worst of all: Now I have nothing to fear, but you do.
8.) Big Mistake - 53% chance of making Playoffs
Justin awoke as the stray rays of sunlight stretched ever so faintly through the blinds and into his room. As he blindly reached over to find his wife, his outstretched arms had nothing to grasp but a carefully scribbled note:
“Ran to the store. Be back soon. I love you. – G-Baby”
Justin smiled, not just because his wife was a massive Hardball
fan, but because it meant that he had the morning to himself. Turning on some Iron
& Wine, Justin rolled out of bed and threw on some shorts before walking
over and drawing the curtains to greet the day.
His smile quickly faded as he took in the heavily-saturated burnt umber sky. Smoke filled his view and he remembered where he was: Living in Donald Trump’s America. He wasn’t living in his grandest California fantasy…he was living in a complete hellscape where the walls were slowly closing in on him.
No matter, nothing could ruin his day. He sauntered over to the kitchen to prepare some French Toast for when Gabbie returned from the store, but there was no Texas Toast to be found and we ALL know you can’t make French Toast without Texas Toast.
Forlorn, lonely, and hungry, Justin sat down on the couch thinking about what he could do next. He’d seen every movie on Netflix, Hulu, HBO Now, and Quibi at this point…he’d beaten all his video games while in quarantine…and that’s when he discovered that there was one final issue taking a toll on his day: He was bored.
That’s when it hit him. Things weren’t so bad. He could order happiness in a box. Pulling out his phone, Justin opened Amazon Prime Now and began to scroll. He searched and searched, going through page after page until…he found it: LEGO Hogwarts Castle. Without second thought, he clicked “Buy Now.” In 2 short hours, Justin’s luck would change and he would be having the time of his life.
He wasted his morning away (cleaning and what not) until Gabbie got home. She was, coincidentally, having a great day. She found out that her autodraft roster came in at #2 in the rankings, someone in the Starbucks drive thru paid for her order, and she found another Charles Dickens book to read while stuck at home. Things couldn’t be better for her.
That’s when there was a knock at the door. Justin checked his phone to see a lone Amazon notification:
“Your package has been delivered!” His day was about to turn around.
Justin opened the door to find a dented and damaged box on the porch. Before he could call out to the driver, they were gone. No matter. He could always report “Gabriel” later If anything was wrong with his item.
Justin lifted the box, hearing hundreds of little pieces shift around inside, and ran back to his room with glee. As he began to peel off the packaging tape, Justin heard Gabbie shout from her spot on the couch, “What is it, honey?” Justin’s smile was beaming as he opened the box, only to have his smile fade as he discovered that the Amazon package wasn’t a LEGO Hogwarts Castle…
IT WAS ALL GARBAGE.
Big mistake doing autodraft this year. Autodraft works when other people in the league play things incorrectly and leave you great values regardless of position. In this case, that didn’t happen.
It’s September 12th and Justin’s top 2 running backs are either out for week one or were cut from their team. His top 3 wide receivers are all dealing with new QBs, and he’s rostering THREE TE’s.
The Infinite Monkey Theorem states that a monkey hitting keys randomly on a typewriter over an infinite period of time would inevitably write Hamlet. That may be true, but they’d put this abomination together in 15 minutes.
This is a real shame because Justin is truly one of the most talented owners in the league: In his two years he has never missed Playoffs. Last year’s autodraft got him in as the 6th seed and the year prior (when he was present on Draft Day) he was in 1st place until being upset by the profane and disrespectful Bobby B.
Justin, if you’re in need of players, feel free to hit me up. Until then, I’m selling the remaining portion of your Power Ranking for ad revenue.
9.) Kittles and Bits - 51% chance of making Playoffs
Three things I look forward to every year are: Watching When Harry Met Sally with Christa on New Years Eve, watching Jurassic Park with Christa on Valentine’s Day, and reading what Tim’s Fantasy Football team will be named. I was not let down.
Tim’s team is hilarious to me because it’s unlike any that I’ve ever reviewed: Where Eddie played it smart and safe and I took risks, Tim did…both? Tim actually came out of this thing with a fantastic team. He has fantastic starting RBs with some serviceable depth that could prove handy later in the year, he has 4 WRs who should see big numbers on their teams, he has the best tight end in the NFL, and he has Aaron F***ing Rodgers. So where did he go wrong?
Well, Tim made the opposite mistake that Swear King Robert Brown did. On a 16-person roster, Tim took 5 49ers players. He basically cornered the market and has their entire offense. An astounding 31% of his roster is on the same team.
We could be looking at a week where Tim either a.) Has to start FIVE 49ers or b.) has his entire bench on bye because he loves San Francisco with all his heart.
10.) Queen Killer Bee - 48.33% chance of making Playoffs
What can I say about this team? I know many of you read the first part of my e-mail, clicked the link, scrolled to see where your team ranked, and then scrolled down to the bottom to watch me tear #10 to shreds.
Lindy’s team names over the years have varied: Cobra Commanders (2013-2014), Lindy’s Lynch Mob (problematic), Schweddy Rawls (Top-Tier), Fantasy Fatale, Chubb Pack (I still don’t know what that is), and now Queen Killer Bee.
Let’s start there, shall we?
I have searched this roster extensively as well as every NFL roster over the last 50 years. What this search has uncovered is that not a single bee has ever played in the NFL and therefore is not rostered by Lindy. The closest anyone has come, for those who are curious, was Barry the Bee, who’s career ended at the Rose Bowl in 2007.
That’s a Bee Movie reference, folks.
Now that’s just me looking at things from a football standpoint. From a Zoological standpoint, there is no such thing as a “Queen Killer Bee.” There are Killer Bee Queens and, to some people with unfortunate allergies, there are Killer Queen Bees, but “Queen Killer Bee” is a state of mind more than anything else.
Hey, remember that great Bee Movie reference I made? It reminds me of something Jerry Seinfeld once said.
“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” I don’t know the context of that one or what is has to do with airline food, but it fits here. I don’t know that Lindy is going to have a lot of fun this season.
Sure, she did an incredible job trying to redraft the team that won her the Championship in 2018, but that’s it. Both teams had Nick Chubb, Adam Thielen, Tampa Bat’s TE, Miami’s RB, and guys named after religions.
Who knows? She may wind up winning it all again this year. But we will spend this entire year listening to her complain about her 50% chance of winning each game, swear about teams who are up by 20 running the clock out, and striking down anyone who speaks out about those things.
2020 has brought fires, pandemics, riots, and a whole lot else. It only makes sense that it brings the wrath of a pissed off Chico State alum as it’s final reckoning.
