Welcome back to the show! After what we at the blog here considered a very successful first season, the writers and I are excited to bring you Season Two of the Captain’s League Blog.
There will be more jokes, more trash talk, more plot lines to follow, more gifs, more passive aggressive advertisements, and a whole lot else.
Now, since this is a special edition of Nick’s Rankings, we’re going to jump right into it. As with last year, I took everyone’s team after the draft and entered it into ProFootballguy.com’s team ranking system.
The ranking system pumps out 3 numbers: A team’s probability of making playoffs if they are great at in-season management (waivers, trades, lineup adjustments, etc.), as well as each team’s probability of making playoffs with good and average in-season management.
With those numbers for each team, all I did was put them in order of highest probability. If there was a tie, then I ranked them in my order, which is biased.
So don’t worry too much about these rankings. Last year teams with preseason rankings of 4, 7, 9 and 10 made playoffs. In other words, you create your own destiny here. Now let’s have some fun.
1.) ~Randy Savages (80% with great management, 70% with good management, 56% with average management)
Former champion William Brown came into this draft with an entirely new strategy this year: Don’t Prepare.
Modeling himself after last year’s champion, Dave Smith, Will entered the draft with a self-proclaimed “Half-Formal, Half-Casual” appearance, adding that “Dave won’t even try, so why should I?”
Modeling himself after last year’s champion, Dave Smith, Will entered the draft with a self-proclaimed “Half-Formal, Half-Casual” appearance, adding that “Dave won’t even try, so why should I?”
Video footage of William Brown drafting a #1 team
Will’s “weakness” is his lack of a proven QB. Foles had a majestic year in 2013, but 7 TDs against the Raiders really saturated his numbers. Will Foles live up to, and improve upon those numbers? Or will he turn into the Quarterback version of a Trent Richardson or a Doug Martin?
2.) #FreeJoshGordon (75% with great management, 60% with good management, 44% with average management)
Coming in second is a team that reddit calls “Diesel…a wet dream.” While I tend to agree, I’ve have been hearing a number of concerns that are definitely worth bringing up.
How can Andre Ellington be an RB1? And, if he fails, who does Nick have in place to pick up the slack? Ultimately, this team’s weakness is no secret, but neither is it’s strength.
Nick’s (albeit unnamed) team features THREE of last year’s top FIVE receivers. That’s right: Josh Gordon (1), Calvin Johnson (2), and Antonio Brown (5) top of a receiving corps that features potential top-10 guys like Cordarelle Patterson, Brandin Cooks, and Kelvin Benjamin.
Talk about your Super Flash Bros.
The best case scenario with that group is that the all produce, giving Nick the luxury of a plug-and-play all the way to a championship. The worst case is that some are middle-of-the-road, to the point where you don’t want to drop them, but you also need to clear up space to make up for a weak RB group.
Overall, the team is studly, with top 5 guys at QB, Defence, and Kicker to round things off.
If things go as planned, Nick could reach playoffs for a 3rd straight year, but in the crapshoot that is fantasy football, this team could ultimately spell disaster.
3.) 53 Fire (75% with great management, 60% with good management, 44% with average management)
Bobby B, AKA Mr. Non-Profit was given the charitable pick at Number 1, and (surprisingly) he followed Fantasy Rule No. 1: Draft Adrian Peterson.
Now, with that being said, Robert has created a unique team here, drafting players that make you go, “Eh, Okay.” In other words, this team is a lot like Bobby B’s outlook on the world: Outdated, but functional.
Jordy Nelson, being the top receiver on a team that spreads the ball around arguably better than any other team, is a nice low-end WR1. I like him, but I think there was better value on the board when this pick was made.
Arian Foster, AKA “The best teammate he can be” is purely in it for the money at this point. He’ll put up 5 or 6 weeks of 7 points until he decides that staying at home sounds a lot better than getting the crap kicked out of him.
But, my personal favorite pick on this team is my ex: Victor Cruz. I think everyone reading this knows of my love of Victor Cruz. I wish him the best of luck and, after reading his autobiography “Out of the Blue,” I await the day when we are re-united in fantasy bliss.
But, back to rankings here. Bobby B, this is probably the best team you’ve had since you’ve been in the league. It’s not gold, mind you, but there’s not really a spot that I hate. You picked some…interesting bench guys, but historically speaking you’ve always been a waiver wire junkie. This unit will give you enough of a push to pick up a few wins before you iron everything out on waivers.
I like it, and so do the rankings guys. Good luck on your quest to Fantasy Land.
Bobby B when thinking about Fantasy Land.
One important final note is that Bobby B is ranked #3, and is the only player who is ranked in the EXACT same spot as last preseason, and we all know how things went from there.
4.) Rank This (70% with great management, 55% with good management, 36% with average management)
Dave! Welcome back! Do you want some bacon? Maybe a back massage?
You see, Dave, this is the life of a champion. You showed up this year, you didn’t draft Darren Sproles in the first, and you wound up in a spot where I don’t have to make fun of you!
Overall, Dave, I like your team. I really do. I think it’s stronger this year than last year, and look how that went! I think this is a strong draft except for one thing…
My reaction to Dave's team.
You didn’t draft a lot of depth. You have a backup QB when you don’t need one (Brees is great as is), your backup RBs are LaGarrette “Smoke a” Blount and Pierre Thomas, and your backup WRs include an elderly Hakeem Nicks and a young-and-unproven Jordan Mathews.
We’ll see if the reigning champ can make a repeat happen, and the preseason rankings have him creeping into playoffs this year by 1% if you manage your team averagely. Then again, rankings mean nothing to Dave.
5.) I Do L. T. P. A. (70% with great management, 55% with good management, 35% with average management)
He’s baaaaaack. After an ENTIRE season of smack talk and painful, bitter defeat, Chip Buckerman himself has returned, and boy did he take a Long Time Planning Attacks.
Since Corey moved in with us after the end of last season, he’s seemed…haunted. There were times where I came home from work at 4 in the morning and, while tip-toeing to bed, heard the faint sound of a man weeping.
When I went to investigate, I’d find Mr. Hewett curled up, clutching a picture of Drew Brees, and murmuring about a storm…
Corey, in his dreams
Well that storm has potentially come. Waiting patiently during the draft like a Tiger stalking a gimme, Chip made every steal he could. He didn’t force anything: taking what was handed to him by the league, and generally being pleased with his selections…
…Until the curse struck.
On Wednesday, August 20, Le’Veon Bell and teammate LeGarrette Blount were pulled over while in possession of marijuana, earning suspensions. Bell was also convicted of Driving Under the Influence of the kush.
Bell was Corey’s #2 RB.
And you thought it stopped there? The next day Eagles running back (and Corey’s #1 pick) LeSean McCoy left a preseason game early after injuring his thumb. X-Rays were negative, but things don’t look good for this promising team.
And you thought it stopped there? The very next day, Corey's starting QB, Cam Newton, suffered a back contusion in a preseason game.
And you thought it stopped THERE? The day after THAT, Corey's 3rd RB, Bernard Pierce, suffered a concussion.
Are we toying with powers greater than ourselves here? While we play the game of Fantasy, have beings been playing games with Corey? Or, have his attempts of ruining the league drawn the ire of a just God?
These are the questions that keep me up at night, while Corey weeps into a crumpled piece of his nightmare.
6.) Kessel Runners (70% with great management, 55% with good management, 35% with average management)
Sean shot first.
And, after picking up Alfred Morris as an RB2 WAY after he’s due behind Serta Certified Sleeper Montee Ball leads me to believe that Sean manipulated his way through Sunday’s festivities.
While certain members perpetually asked if Sean was “awake” or if he had mocked, Sean sat in solemn silence as he planned his next strike.
Ultimately though, the Fantasy experts at ProFootballGuys don’t project the Aces flying into Playoffs this year.
After a disappointing season last year, Sean was definitely looking forward to redemption and a resurgence back into The Captain’s League powers. With picks like Ball, Demaryius Thomas, Percy Harvin, and CJ Spiller, it’s obvious that Sean could be playing with the fastest team in the galaxy, or he could be managing a useless pile of junk.
Does Sean love this team? We all know he does, but will his cockiness get in the way of a greater prize?
This team could completely crash and burn, but just like the cinema classic Lottery Ticket by Tyler Perry, Sean could cash in on a winning ticket as hilarity ensues. It’ll be an interesting year for the kid, just as long as he keeps his eye on that reward.
7.) Hakka Flocka Flame (70% with great management, 55% with good management, 35% with average management)
12:00am-10:00am Sleep
10:02am-10:35am Sleep
10:35am-10:50am Shower
10:50am-10:52am Dress and leave for church
11:00am-12:08pm Church with family
12:08pm-12:45pm Lollygag
12:45pm-3:50pm Unknown
That schedule was recovered from Matt’s diary entry for August 17th, 2014. Other than the hibernation-level amount of sleep and the lollygagging, the most notable portion is the unexplained block of time between 12:45pm and 3:50pm.
What was Matt doing for 3 hours?
I consulted my friend Sherman Homes, a private investigator, about it. Sherman reported that Matt was not in the Condo, nor was he on one of his famous 3-hour gym sessions. UNLV’s student logs also indicate that Matt was not in class, and no one would go straight to the club from church, so where did he go?
Matt Smith, 1pm on Sunday?
Luckily, I was tipped off to an apparent Matt sighting at the Brown residence during that time. However, eye witnesses report that Matt was operating as if he was inebriated and/or sleepwalking.
Matthew Smith, Draft Day
Witnesses report that Matt inexplicably selected Giovani Bernard in the 1st round of the draft, a move that no sane person would make in a Standard League.
Did I mention that, in his 3rd year, Matt didn’t know that we’re in a Standard scoring league?
Oh, and the Draftastrophe doesn’t end there. ProFootballGuys had this to say about Matt’s team:
“You’ve put together an interesting team here. Our numbers show it as being below average at all three core positions (QB, RB, and WR)…” - ProFootballGuys.com
In other words, “We have nothing good to say about this team.” I read that review and thought, “Well it can’t be THAT bad,” until I took a look at the roster, a roster that is as ugly as watching The Happening on a first date after accidentally topping your homemade salad with mushrooms left in the fridge by your Frat brother, D-Money after his short-lived EDC experience:
Matt Ryan? A solid QB, but his top pass blocker is gone for the season. He’ll put up Top 10 numbers as long as he doesn’t get hurt.
Giovani Bernard? I love him, but not at NUMBER 7 IN A STANDARD 10-TEAM LEAGUE. This isn’t the Bernard family fantasy league, where Giovani went 18th to his Great Aunt Theresa. This isn’t the Giovani Bernard fan club, where he went 20th to 8-year old Michael Scott Naman. And this is MOST CERTAINLY NOT the Ohio State Correctional League, where “Baby J” Lewis took Gio 21st after trading a pack of cigarettes and a 5th rounder. When I asked Matt about this decision, he got defensive before saying, “I should have taken Demarco…he was great last year.
GREAT? Matt, I once watched a video of Kanye West and Jay Z playing the same song in concert 9 times in a row. THAT was great. One time, I had the pleasure of driving an injured NBA player to a surgical center while an assistant coach told me to “Drive like they do in Oakland after pulling the trigger,” and assuring me that any speeding tickets I may receive would be paid for in full. THAT was great. I witnessed Auburn returning a missed field goal for a touchdown with time expiring to upset #1 ranked Alabama on live television last season. THAT was great. Playing 15 games and finishing as a top 20 RB is not great.
But enough on Giovani in the first for now…I mean, we have an entire season to reflect on it.
Doug Martin? He was awful before he got hurt last year and he’s in a big committee with a lot of guys who are primed to take his job.
Wes Welker? I was in awe of his talent until he got a concussion from doing the Ice Bucket Challenge.
EDIT: Wes Welker has officially suffered a concussion, his 3rd in 9 months. The Ice Bucket Challenge had nothing to do with said injury.
Roddy White? I also love his talent, but that screw in his foot better stay in place this year.
Jimmy Graham. Best TE in the League.
Ryan Mathews at FLEX? He went to grab ice for Welker and broke his clavicle. No, that was too easy. Ryan Mathews will bust out a 45-yard touchdown in Week 3 and bust up his knee while celebrating. Good thing you drafted for dep-
What’s that? You don’t have any depth? You know what? Don’t get me started on the lack of depth and the 3 QB’s. I brought up this roster at work around the water cooler and was dubbed “The funniest man in the office” for creating such an absurd team.
This makes about as much sense as Matt’s draft.
YOU THINK I’M DONE, MATT??
When I told you that you were ranked 7th, you rejoiced that you were one spot higher than last year. Last year, Robert Brown was ranked 7th in the preseason and finished DEAD LAST.
So while you wallow in your fantasy misery, learn to wash peanut butter off of forks and knives, turn off lights, and park your truck within the confines of a parking space.
ROASTED.
Got em.
8.) Luck Has It (65% with great management, 50% with good management, 32% with average management)
Cheryl! What happened?
Last year I spent weeks praising her firepower just before disaster struck, and it seems that disaster didn’t waste any time this season.
I’ll be honest with you, you have two guys I LOVE this year…but that’s it.
Matt Forte is always consistent, and since the Bears became an offensive powerhouse last season, he shouldn’t have any problem picking up points left and right.
And Julio?!? I love that man. Yeah, he had some injury issues last year, but all reports have been positive and he should return to Top-5 status. GREAT pick.
So far, so good.
Luck, well, he’s a great football player. He wins games. He just doesn’t win fantasy games a lot of the time. You know? He can run and he can pass, but the guy only cares about winning games for the Colts, and that kind of team mentality has no place in the Fantasy Arena.
I really don’t like Gerhart. The guy is an average back on an awful team. He might get some yards, but if MJD couldn’t produce in that offense, then I’m not putting money on a Stanford grad. And Andre Johnson? Oh boy. That man hates his own team. He doesn’t want to be there and has been asking for a way to leave. Sitting out and/or sucking might be the only way he gets out of Houston. I don’t trust him.
You have some decent bench guys though! Jordan Reed is good, and Boykin puts up numbers, and Riley Cooper is…a racist. Sorry, Cheryl, the numbers don’t really love is team and I don’t support racism.
9.) Staff Infection (60% with great management, 45% with good management, 25% with average management)
Curtis, Curtis, Curtis. You poor, poor boy.
It was just last week that I was praising your drafting skills and you produce this?
How could you do this to us?
I mean, 2 questionable running backs in Stacy and Murray do not a champion make. Murray was discussed in a rant under Matt’s ranking, and Stacy just doesn’t have a lot of work thus far. Sure, they could both be great this year, but there were guys that were more of a sure-thing when it was your turn.
A.J. Green is an obvious choice, but Larry Fitzgerald is just getting old. Yeah, he was solid last year, but I just don’t love him. Who I do love is your Tight End, Jordan Cameron, but he doesn’t make up for the mediocrity of the rest of your team.
Chris Farley watching you draft
What I do like is that you, unlike many of those ranked above you, drafted some depth. Andre Williams and James White could turn out to be big picks, and I like that you took that chance.
It’ll be OK, Curtis. After last year’s heartbreaking string of injuries for your team, something good has to come out of this.
And hey, at least you didn’t take Darren Sproles in the first…
10.) Cobra Commanders (60% with great management, 45% with good management, 24% with average management)
Et tu brute?
Why has my own mother forsaken her Raiders fandom and drafted half of the Denver Broncos?!?!
David Bowie is disappointed in you
I mean, Peyton is great, as is Julius Thomas, but you had to get their defence and kicker, too? That hurts. I grew up thinking that my parents were morally righteous, but I guess angels fall, right?
Anyways, let’s disgust this filthy team. Get it? I meant “discuss,” but the pun was right there.
Marshawn Lynch is a great running back, but he’s going to be run into the ground this year and an injury is entirely possible.
Ben Tate is a decent running back, but he’s unproven and has a history of getting hurt when he gets a sliver of play time.
Vincent Jackson is a good receiver on paper, but he’s touchdown dependent and I guess we’ll see how Tampa’s offense looks. I don’t trust him as a WR1.
Julian Edelman is scum. The man gets you 0 points two weeks straight, and when you finally bench him he puts up 30. Just despicable.
And Shane Vereen? If you wanted to win back your husband’s love after betraying him with Broncos, you could have picked a better 2nd Cal player.
Geez mom. Go drink some wine and think about what you’ve done.
Easy, breezy, beautiful: Last place.
