Nick's Power Rankings - Preseason 2021

 

Well, well, well. Fancy running into you here. How long has it been? 12 months? You think you can just come on this website and expect me to tell you fanciful stories about good teams and bad teams? Taking fire and brimstone and throwing them effortlessly at certain rosters, torching them from within until I get tired?

 

Then you’ve come to the right place.

 

 

Welcome back. I’d say I’ve missed you all, but this year was…different. This was the first time since we’ve started this whole shebang where I couldn’t make myself care. Maybe it’s the new house. Maybe it’s my job taking up so much of my time and energy. Maybe it’s “maturity.” Whatever it is, I couldn’t me arsed to do my typical research or stay up running different mock draft scenarios. I didn’t want to plan the draft or change any rules or answer calls about people’s schedules.

 

But then I turned on a preseason game for about 10 minutes. It was a Jets game and Zach Wilson, the Golden Mormon, was starting and I was curious about what the Jets would look like after an overhaul this summer.

 

We’ve all gone through overhauls recently, in a way: Jimmy’s moved to Spokane, Will and Hannah are renting a house, Melinda is up to 4 bottles of wine a day from her previous 3.5. Anyway, Zach Wilson let loose a nice pass down the seam to Corey Davis for a first down and, like a slap in the face, I woke up.

 

I could vividly remember the championship last year: Just needing 4.5 points from Corey Davis in order to take home my second consecutive championship. I was playing scrabble with my wife, sister-in-law, and mother-in-law while I watched the Titans get blown out. It was a cold night in Green Bay and the Corey Davis couldn’t do anything right. The Titans pulled their starters midway through the 4^th and I sat in agony spelling crap like “sway” and “xi” and “poodle” just to hold back from a complete breakdown.

 

Corey Davis screwed me over and, now, he was in a different place and he was thriving. We, too, are in different places: I’m in a lovely home, Sean is working at Total Wine, and Corey literally moved across the street from his old apartment.

 

So much has changed and so much has stayed the same. Every year for the past 10 years we’ve grown, we’ve learned, we’ve held weird grudges about professional football players, and we flock to this sight just to see my inner 20 year-old passive aggressively destroy my family members.

 

So welcome back, good luck this year, and may God have mercy on your souls.

 

(Preseason rankings, as usual, are created based off of online “Rank My Team” tools. I am purely the messenger, here.)

 

1.)  Can You Digg It?

 

This is Gabe’s 3^rd time clinching the top spot in the preseason rankings and his 2^nd straight appearance at #1 post-draft. Over the 10-year history of this league, we’ve gotten to know each other: Who is a shoe-in for the playoffs, who chokes in November, and who takes too much time to make draft picks…but we all seem to overlook Gabe’s drafting year-after-year.

 

 

I myself have wound up at #1 in the preseason rankings thrice, but I also took 9 years to do it. Gabe has done it in 6. After the draft, Gabe was confident, telling reporters “I tried to remove any personal feelings…my goal was to get the best players when it was my turn.” It sounds like a simple strategy, but somehow countless managers forget to actually draft good players (you’ll read about a number of them later).

 

But how is Gabe’s team ranked so high? Who did he take that makes him stand above the rest? The answer is simple: He let players fall to him and refused to let them slip past. Gabe got 3 strong choices at running back: Zeke, Joe Mixon, and David Montgomery. They aren’t the sexiest choices, but all 3 have a clear path to production without much stopping them from racking up points. He did much of the same thing at receiver, snagging Diggs, Chris Godwin, and analytics darling Brandon Aiyuk to pair with top-10 positional players in Mark Andrews and Justin Herbert.

 

Do some teams have better running backs? Yes. Jimmy and Corey might give Gabe trouble with their 1-2 punches. Are there strong WR corps? Absolutely. I think Eddie, Tim, and possibly Corey look better there. But does Gabe have a weakness? 

 

Looking for a weakness on Gabe's team.

 

No. And the scariest thing in fantasy isn’t the team with 3 good wide receivers, it’s the team with strength everywhere.

 

2.) Mahome Improvement

 

You can disrespect me all you want, but I win. I relished those chirps when I took Patrick Mahomes in the 3^rd. You can turn to each other and talk about how rude I am about your picks, but the numbers don’t lie: Last season was my worst season and I still placed second.

 

 

 

Do I have 2 championships? Not yet, but I have 10 wins and over 800 points more than the next best team. Over these 9 years I’ve scored over 1100 more points than I’ve allowed with the next best team only having 325. Don’t lie to yourselves: You’re not bracing for Bobby B’s pratfall of Clowns, you’re trying to figure out how to slow me down.

 

Is this my best team ever? I don’t think so. Sean and Tim took a number of players I was hoping for along with a couple of sleepers getting sniped along the way, but I sure am happy that I can roll out a vengeful Patrick Mahomes with the primary weapons of an equally hungry Packers team. 

 

 

As I mentioned above, I wasn’t feeling fantasy this year. But once we hit those late rounds and I watched good players fall to me while you argued about Defenses in the 11^th round…the itch came back. My birthday was in May but thank you for the belated gifts of Darrell Henderson, Odell Beckham, Ronald Jones, and Jakobi Meyers. They very well may not crack my starting lineup of last year’s #1 WR, #3 QB, #4 RB, #6 TE, and #5 kicker, but they make for good depth.

 

3.)  New Blood

 

Jimmy accomplished a lot on Sunday: He engaged in his first live draft, he pissed off the mild-mannered Bobby B, and he answered the question: Does Jimmy know what he’s doing or is he a mark?

 

One of the things that Jimmy needs to learn about this league and everything that happened before his induction, is both how aggressive these Power Rankings can be and how one member is always pegged as being lucky rather than good.

 

I won’t torch Jimmy because a.) He’s new and b.) His team is strong…but I have to call into question whether he made good choices or whether those around him made BAD choices.

 

 

Jimmy had the 2^nd pick of the draft and wound up with the #1 player. Not out of the realm of normalcy, but about the equivalent to finding a $5 bill on the ground. Moving on, however, it’s interesting to see that Jimmy was the 5^th manager to select a defense and somehow wound up with the #2 at that position as well as the #1 kicker when he, again, was the 2^nd to select.

 

Is Jimmy good? We’ll have to wait and see. Is Jimmy lucky? Looks like we found that out expeditiously. Either way, regardless of correlation or causation, what we can gather from this admittedly good roster is that Jimmy is willing to do some level of homework in order to put a good team together. He doesn’t go off hunches, he doesn’t reach (too much), and he doesn’t solely operate off of homerisms.

 

4.)  Sunday Cookout

 

For the first time in the history of the Power Rankings, I’m going to admit that I was wrong. I expected to come on here, rip Lindy’s team to shreds and go paragraph-by-paragraph through each pick (like I do with some other teams) but after reviewing the automated message that gets spit out for each roster, I’ve had a change of heart here.

 

I was fully prepared to go scorched earth

 

 

Dalvin Cook may not have been the consensus #1 pick, but he’s pretty much a sure thing and will almost certainly produce. Partnered with Josh Allen she has a strong case for the 2^nd best QB/RB duo in the league.

 

Where Lindy really shines opposed to most teams, however, is her particular brand of lottery ticket. I considered Myles Gaskin to be a horrible overreach as her RB2, but the latest news out of Miami is that he’ll be receiving the large bulk of carries for a good offense which makes for an excellent 5^th round choice.

 

I could go into Kareem Hunt, Nyheim Hines, and Michael Gallup but I’m at 3000 words already and no one reads this for that kind of analysis.

 

5.) The GOAT

 

If you really think about it, Will is in the toughest spot of anyone right now. With 2 championships, Will was well on his way to a 3^rd last year with an 11-2 record utilizing top-10 players at virtually every position. But wouldn’t you know it, the rug was pulled out from under him at the worst possible second in the playoffs and he had to sit back helplessly while Bobby B joined him on the dual-trophy podium.

 

 

 

Will was nearly immortal. It’s a tale as old as time and something we’re all familiar with either through our own misfortunes or that of our favorite teams. Sometimes you get lost in the sauce and other times you’re blindsided and never have a chance to recover.

 

This season could be his redemption. Sure, he’s one of the best managers in league history and sure, it’s an impossible ask to repeat the success of last year, but if anyone can do it, it’s the wunderkind. I mean, look at his roster! It’s….it’s…

 

It’s OK. 

 

 

Following perhaps the best first 3 picks of the whole draft, Will seemingly drafted whatever names he recognized. Miles Sanders is OK and gets a reasonable amount of hype every year until games actually start being players, Amari Cooper is a top-10 wide receiver until he decides he’s not, Tee Higgins was nice last season and enters a healthy but crowded offense…

 

And don’t get me started on Giovani Bernard.

 

Overall, it’s a good team. It’s a playoff team. But if any team could collapse like my attempt at sourdough bread during quarantine, it’s this one. I mean, speaking of names, look at Will’s quar-

 

 

 

Oh shit. We’re doomed.

 

6.) Fast Eddie

 

Looking at this list you’ll find that Eddie fell exactly where you would expect him to. Eddie decided to go the route of overdrafting an average running back and then loading up on receivers. Tyreek Hill and AJ Brown are bound to cause a lot of problems this season, particularly with MVP candidate Kyler Murray at QB. Those are the kinds of names that win you weeks on their own.

 

But Eddie is down here at 6^th because he has yet to learn about the hype machine. As a Laker fan, Eddie sees every news story as a benefit to him. Of course Kobe was better than MJ. Of course the Lakers are destined to win the 2021 championship this season because they have the 2013 All-Star team. And of course Kyle Pitts is a gift from above that will win you your league despite the fact that he will need to have the single greatest season a rookie tight end has ever had despite the fact that it is the hardest position for a rookie.

 

YOU THINK THIS MAN WILL SAVE YOU????

 

Let’s stay on that point, shall we? Kyle Pitts is possibly the greatest tight end prospect ever, but at a 5^th round price he will have to not only have the greatest rookie season ever, he’ll have to put out 125% of the current best season in order to return value. Could he? Sure. Will he? I wasn’t willing to pay to find out.

 

 Eddie after burning a high pick on a rookie TE.

 

 

But this isn’t about me, it’s about Eddie’s team. According to the preseason analysis from football guys, Eddie is 9^th in RBs and 10^th in FLEX strength. He is set up much better than the teams below him and will most likely make his 3^rd playoff appearance (and 1^st since 2018), especially if he continues his 5-year streak of making more transactions than any other manager.

 

7.) Joe Buck Yourself

 

Sean has had a rough couple of years since he won his sole championship in 2015. Some would chalk it up to bad injury luck. Others, bad drafting and inactivity on the waiver wire. Me? I have two theories.

 

Explore with me

 

 

From 2012-2014, Sean would have a different team name every season. Some years, like “What Would Jones Drew” in 2013, he named them after players on his roster like so many of us. Other years, like the “Sacramento Shenanigans” in 2012, the team name reflected where Sean was at in life. In 2015, however, Sean made the connection that Joe Buck had a funny name.

 

Joe Buck had recently started his show, “Undeniable with Joe Buck,” around this time and Sean realized that the oft-memed commentator (and one of the best in recent American history) had a name that rhymed with one of Sean’s favorite vulgar phrases. Hence, “Joe Buck Yourself” was born.

 

 

 

Since adopting the name, Sean has gone 41-37 and only made playoffs twice. Most years have resulted in a paltry 7-6 or 6-7, making his rosters more akin to Jeff Fischer than Joe Buck. This year, based solely off of this roster and it’s initial preseason ranking, Sean is destined for another near-.500 season that ends just short of a playoff berth.

 

I dare say that if Sean used that creativity of his and tried a new name, he might be able to turn this ship around. I mean it’s either that or he starts trying again.

 

8.) Big Mistake

 

There was music carrying through the Summer nights. In the blue gardens of Chicago, men and girls came and went like moths among the bass and the molly and the stars. From 9 in the morning to well past midnight, faceless artists with varied, forgettable names played endless expanses of nonsense to the large, oblivious crowd. Among them, in his best Summer linens, was Corey M. Hewett.

 

Back from the dead.

 

 

 

The bar is in full swing, with cocktails and concoctions circling the festival grounds until the air is alive with chatter and laughter, and casual innuendo and introductions forgotten on the spot, and enthusiastic meetings between women who never knew each other’s names.

 

The lights grow brighter as the earth lurches away from the sun, and now the DJ is playing a remix of Yellow by Coldplay with the voices pitched higher than the crowd. Laughter is easier minute by minute, spilled with prodigality, tipped out at a cheerful word or an exchange of a bracelet or totem. The groups change more swiftly, swell with new arrivals, dissolve and form in the same breath…

 

But in the midst of the breaths, heaving to- and fro- as individuals became a collective, Corey stood like a droplet of water among the sand. Corey arrived well after the party had started and would surely be leaving before its end. He had always enjoyed them, arriving just long enough to put on a performance of his own, peacocking and what not before returning to privacy.

 

Today was different, though.

 

Corey stared at his phone, analyzing every letter of the pre-draft email. The screen twitched with every throb of bass permeating through the air. All week he had looked forward to letting loose and enjoying the music, but now that he was here? He couldn’t let his mind stop wandering back towards the hope of redemption.

 

Corey isn’t new to the Captain’s League. In fact, he’s a founding member entering his 8^th season. He’s seen the majority of history unfold firsthand and yet Corey has been in the bottom third of the league every year that he’s managed a team. With a win percentage of 37% and a league-low -629.5 +/-, he had to take some time off to rediscover his love of the game. Even after finding it, however, he was stuck in Chicago while his fate was determined.

 

Suddenly, the lights went out and the world grew still.

 

Corey knew that he was surrounded by thousands of people, but none of them made a sound. The stage was vacant and dark. In this mass gathering, he was simply alone, comforted only by the dim light of his iphone screen. Suddenly, and without warning, whispers began to slither like waves among the dronelike bodies surrounding him: Simple syllables, cryptically repeated like a damning secret, seeking the soul responsible for a crime.

 

“Autodraft,” a voice said, certain and cold. More soon joined in. Thousands, if not millions, cried out. “Autodraft. Autodraft. Autodraft.” The voices were sporadic and ceasless, never in unison and always spoken in disappointment. The speakers came alive only to spill distorted synths and bass hits before crumbling under their own weight, engulfed by the horde of soulless bodies continuing to gather together.

 

The barrage continued until the phone lit up with a notification, bringing immediate silence to the hive. It was a single text from the commissioner. Corey tapped the screen just as the crowd, seemingly infinite in quantity but one in spirit, spoke all at once.

 

“We are your wide receivers,” they said, laughing.

 

Corey’s team is, without a doubt, the most hilarious and deeply disappointing result of an autodraft that I’ve seen. Does he have good players? Absolutely, but he hit the league limit of Wide receivers all in a row. Corey has 8 good players at the deepest position in fantasy to pair with 2 good running backs, an unproven QB, and possibly the worst Tight End in the Captain’s League.

 

 

I don’t know if he’s rediscovered his love of competition or if he found a way to get an edge and make his way into the playoffs for the 2^nd time in 9 years, but this is probably the worst way to come back.

 

9.) Bear Force One

 

At 12:07pm on Labor Day, I called Bobby B to apologize for my behavior during the draft. Over the past few months I’ve been dealing with some things that, in a failed effort to reduce a breakdown, resulted in him taking the brunt of my attacks. Seemingly every pick, even the good ones, were called into question. Granted, I was not the only one chirping at the reigning champion, but my point still stood: I had crossed a line.

 

He felt differently. We discussed the draft, the Notre Dame/Florida State game, and Labor Day plans for around 12 minutes before we hung up. It was a nice moment shared between father and son. Then I went online and entered the draft results.

 

 

 

Imagine my surprise when Bobby B, the reigning champ and one of two 2x Champions in league history, ranked below a team that autodrafted 8 straight Wide Receivers and was stuck with Jalen Hurts at QB. I don’t put a lot of stock into preseason rankings but this team must be BAD.

 

In reality, it’s average at every position with zero strength aside from RB1. Clyde Edwards-Helaire is unproven and Mike Evans very well might be the 3^rd target in Tampa. Noah Fant has upside and Javonte Williams might become the starter in Denver, but once again Bobby B overdrafted AFC West rivals over proven commodities. Clyde over Calvin Ridley? Javonte over Kareem Hunt? Fant over Chase Claypool? Even Brandon McManus over Leonard Fournette?

 

These decisions aren’t just eye-opening, they almost force you to stare like you’ve been rudely plunged into a Clockwork Orange-esque dystopia where chaos overtook reason. As of this writing, Henry Ruggs III is ESPN’s WR48, ranking in at 101 of 300 players. This would often place him in the 10^th round (in theory, as I had not seen him taken in any of my mock drafts). Bobby B took him with pick 83. If he had chosen, say Brandin Cooks or Antonio Brown instead, Ruggs would statistically still fall to him at his next pick, #108.

 

Finally, as if I haven’t beaten this to death, there is no need to draft a defense or a kicker before the last 2 rounds. Zero. Zilch. Statistically, it’s better to find kickers on hobbled offenses which we can only find from watching games. Is it nice to have Justin Tucker in all year just so we don’t sweat it? Sure, but if he’s not there then you don’t have to reach for ESPN’s 5^th ranked kicker (as though they did any research on 3-32). Similarly, Tampa Bay’s defense, while effective in the playoffs, was only above average for fantasy. You could have left them alone in the 11^th round and taken budding star Curtis Samuel or last year’s sweetheart Devin Singletary and taken last season’s 8^th ranked defense (Miami) in the last 2 rounds.

 

Behold the strength of Bear Force One

 

 

They say you can’t win your league at the draft, but you can lose it. And the most surefire way to let that happen is to overdraft a defense and a kicker while potential starters and bona-fide plug-ins are still on the board.

 

Oh, and before you tell me that defense wins championships, just remember that you had the 12^th best defense in a 10-team league last year.

 

10.) Kittles N Bits

 

As of this writing, the cost of a round trip between San Francisco and Las Vegas on short notice is about $240. To some of you that may not be a lot of money, but according to this random thread from 2015 that I found on the internet, here are some things you can buy for $240:

 

A musical instrument

A dog

Bills

Books and art supplies

A little greenhouse

Carving Knives

Brewing equipment

4 new video games

Kanye West’s Balenciaga mask

LOTS of candy

 

Like a LOT of candy

 

 

Instead, Tim spent his money on a trip to Las Vegas to visit his aggressive sister and her snotty sons. He slept in a hot basement, drank some Blue Moons, and stood before his fantasy football league to proclaim his 2021 first-round pick…George Kittle.

 

TIM-BERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

 

 

 

Tim is entering his 5^th year in the league and has a .500 record all-time (26 wins, 26 losses). Somehow, he has made the Playoffs every single year since his induction, but it appears as though he is willing to give up that streak.

 

He is known for his avid 49er fandom, but this is a bridge too far. Aside from the preposterous George Kittle selection, Tim followed it up by taking Raheem Mostert, ESPN’s RB29, in the 2^nd round with players like Tyreek Hill, Antonio Gibson, and Deandre Hopkins still available. What was he thinking? Why would someone so successful throw it away for a fleeting moment of joy? Is Fantasy Football all just a simple game and the real objective is to garner relationships with the 9 other people in this family league?

 

Nonsense. This is a war crime and I will not stand for it. It is a slap in the face of the hundreds of hours of work that we have put in building this great thing we have. I waste away reading articles and writing blogs for this thing called Fantasy Football. You use it as a punchline.

 

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleep under the blanket of the very draft that I provide and then brings into question the manner in which I provide it. I'd rather you just say “Nick Chubb” and go on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up some RBs and pray for a lottery ticket. Either way, this spot is getting sold for sponsored content.

 

 

 

Nick's Power Rankings - Week 9

1.) (LW #1) Joe Buck Yourself, 7-1 (119.75 PPG, .254 NPRP)

Sean is absolutely running away with this league. Since losing to this year’s Cinderella by 43, Sean has posted 2 consecutive 150+ weeks, which also happen to be the 2 highest outings of any team this season.

Sean vs Everyone

            With a 128 point lead in points scored, this team will safely find itself in the Playoffs unless they lose their starting QB, Starting RB, and post 5 consecutive sub-40 point outings.

            The highest scoring team of all time was the legendary Super Flash Bros. of 2014, who put up 1439 points in the regular season. Sean is a mere 481 points away from breaking that record with 5 weeks left to go in the year. If he maintains this pace (and if Ezekiel Elliott continues to disrupt the legal process of the United States) then we may find ourselves staring at an All-Time team on its way to Sean’s 2^nd Championship (also a new record).

            And if you’re like me and were concerned about who is left on Sean’s schedule that could challenge the behemoth: Don’t you worry your pretty little head, because this dude only plays one team with a winning record and it is the luckiest team possibly in league history. All that Sean has left is, in order: Bobby B, Matt, Corey, Tim, and Gabe. Their total record lies at 18-22.

            Enjoy Playoffs.

2.) (LW #4) Need For Snead, 5-3 (103.75 PPG, .191 NPRP)

            Throughout the history of competition, there have always been 2 kinds of competitors: The Powerhouses (Sean, Will, Conor McGregor, etc.) and the losers (Matt, Corey, Universities in Nevada, etc.), but in 1998 a new form of competitor had emerged: The Cinderella Team.

A little history lesson for you from Gus Johnson

            Cinderella teams are marked by a few key attributes: They’re often overmatched, they’re gritty, and they find ways to win. In 2017, Cinderella has been reborn, and her name is Need For Snead.

            In Week 6, after being called an 8-point underdog against the undefeated and unmatched Joe Buck Yourself (a unanimous #1), the fairy godmother gifted Cinderella with a magic pair of Yeezy cleats, allowing Leonard “MotherF’in” Fournette to dance his way to 130 yards and a touch. It seemed as though the team that was seemingly picked through divine intervention had crushed the ruler of mere mortals by a score of 119 to 77.

            That week I received texts, phone calls, flowers, and the occasional singing telegram praising my reign and swearing loyalty under my new kingdom…but the fantasy gods had other plans…Just one week after handing out the biggest L in league history, I received a package.

            I remember giving a speech at 2 of my dearest friends’ wedding, absolutely slaying the room when a US postal worker approached me and asked for a signature.

            “It must be another bottle of Santana champagne,” I thought to myself as I carelessly signed away. Upon receiving the strange package, I opened it only to find horrors within.

            Inside the box was a giant, bold-faced, Capital L. I dropped to my knees, feeling the blood seep out of the wounds in my back when I checked to see who it was from:

            “With all the love that I possess,” it read, “The Son.”

I wept. I could hear demons around me laugh at my blindness and my pain. I was so focused on the undefeated that I had taken my eyes off of the true enemy: The Sewer Dwellers.

            They say a son must suffer the sins of their father, but sometimes the son continues to commit the same sins…in this case, both have occurred in our league.

            Just as his father before him, Matt Smith handed me a loss while I was focused on those who mattered. But, unlike when Dave beat me in the Championship all those years ago, I’ve regrouped with hell behind me.

            Leonard Fournette is back, Stefon Diggs has been brought in, and this team is leading a conference of champions and challengers alike. The season is far from over, but time will tell how badly this team has the need. The Need for Snead.

3.) (LW #3) Dak City, 6-2 (86.6 PPG, .172 NPRP)

In all my years I have never seen a more pitiful excuse for a Top-3 team. Matt, like his father before him, has BLINDLY found his way to a 6-2 record while having the fewest points against by a HUGE margin.

Matt cruising through his season

Throughout 8 weeks, only 570 points have been scored against Matt, with #1 Sean scoring 103 of those. That is the fewest points against in the league. The second-place finisher? Cheryl and Dave with 610. After that? Sean with 659. That means that the Smiths have 138 fewer points against them than any other team in the league.  It’s absurd.

Although, it should come as no surprise since Matt is the league’s all-time worst team in points per game. That’s right, after 5 and a half years, Matt puts up fewer points each week than anyone to ever play in this league.

That's All-Time weak, Zo

As for points scored this season, Matt should find his way into playoffs, coming in at #5 overall, but with a sneaky good team, Gabe might take over Matt’s #2 spot in the conference and Corey has a shot to outscore him even with a 2-6 record.

How fitting would it be to have Matt miss playoffs to a 2-6 team? I dare say that the punishment justifies the crime.

Good luck this week against the rookie. It would be a shame if one of his players put up 26 on a Thursday…

4.) (LW #5) O.J.'s On Parole, 4-4 (96.75 PPG, .164 NPRP)

            This cannot and will not be forgiven.

            In Gabe’s time away, the league grew and changed in many exciting ways. Rookie players became superstars, people who have seemingly never watched football won championships, and I came to love a player known as Josh “Flash” Gordon.

<3

            It all started innocently enough: I was trying to make a playoff run and offered Curtis Rueben Randle straight up during a bye week. That’s the beginning of a long and tumultuous relationship.

            There were team names, there were logos, there were gifs…Super Flash Bros, 12 Weeks A Slave, #FreeJoshGordon…with every misstep he took I still believed in the return.

            I played Grand Theft Auto with him once and asked when he’d be back. His response?

“Soon.”

            After his 70 stint in rehab I set reminders on my phone of when he would meet with the league office, hoping that said meeting would end in his reinstatement. I put in a waiver claim: Symbolically dropping Willie Snead for Josh Gordon, ready to take my place at #2 as “Super Flash Bros. Melee.” But instead, something much more treacherous happened…

            I awoke to discover that I had picked up Kenyon Drake instead. Was it a mistake? Had someone really not picked up the starting running back for the Miami Dolphins? No matter. Josh was not slated to meet with the commissioner until after noon and he was still available in free agency. I sent him a snapchat of the Lombardi trophy with a caption that read “Good luck today. The grind starts now.” He responded with a fist emoji, signifying his support of the message. Knowing that I would hear of his reinstatement first, I closed my phone and returned to my job.

            At 3:22 PM, I got it. I got the message that the heir to my WR1 spot had been reinstated after over 2 years. I rushed as quickly as I could to the app…but where was Josh? I searched high and low on the player pool but he wasn’t there! Where in the world was Flash Gordon???

            Just 1 hour and 12 minutes prior, Gabe decided to pick him up. Without any guarantee that he would be reinstated, Gabe picked up Josh Gordon on a whim to see how things went.

Me. Wednesday. 3:22 PM.

            I was crushed. After dropping David Johnson for him in 2 leagues, I texted Gabe to voice my displeasure. Of all the wrongdoings that I have suffered in this lifetime, none can amount to this.

            Gabe has put up over 100 points in each of the last 3 weeks, and is gearing up for a run at the Playoffs. After starting 1-2 and not scoring more than 82 points to start the season, this team has evolved into a higher form. Gabe has been meticulous in his pickups and educated in his start/sit decisions. And, luckily for him, he has 4 of the easiest teams over the next 4 weeks before closing out his season with a rematch against Sean.

            I like Gabe’s team a lot to do well this year. But as of this moment I’m not a fan of Gabe. :(

5.) (LW #2) Bad Juju, 5-3 (89.125 PPG, .164 NPRP)

It was late. The sun had fallen beyond the horizon hours ago. He had no clocks in sight, but Will knew it had to be around 1 in the morning based on the moon’s position in the sky. When it fixed itself on the otherside of the trees, he would act.

Will was still, crouched amidst the brush outside of a house in Reno wondering how his life had come to this. The neighborhood was silent and still, almost as if everything was frozen in place by some divine puppeteer. There was no wind, no sound, and seemingly no air in this vacuum of a town, but Will would persevere through this torturous stillness until the time was right.

Inside lay Ryan Hewett, asleep in his bed. Possibly drunk, but the intel Will received had been wrong before. Never trust a watch salesman in downtown Reno, Nevada.

“It’s funny,” Will thought to himself, quietly enough to not pierce the silence. “Thiefs are glorified for their tactics and lambasted for their crimes, but never praised for their patience.” He smiled. “Well, they might this time.”

The moon broke behind the trees, casting a shadow over the house. The time to act was now. Will coasted into position at the front door. He spent months learning to pick locks and figured it would be much more silent than entering via a broken window.

He knelt in front of the door, extracting his tools from a black bag as he gently placed one had on the knob. But, before he could so much as penetrate the lock, he felt a slight wiggle in the door. Was it unlocked?

Sure enough, with a gentle turn of the wrist the door gave him complete and total access to the chamber within.

“Lucky break,” he thought.

Will knew the layout of the house like he lived there himself. 3 online course in architecture from Stanford Online and 1 meth addict of a Reno contractor got him everything he needed to see and understand the blueprints. Maybe he had invested too much for this, but the payoff would be worth it.

He silently slid his way to Ryan’s doorway, left wide open to reveal the sleeping victim in all his snoring glory. Will smiled at the sight. This would be easier than the time Nick took Josh Gordon from Curtis.

Will crept over to the safe located behind the Blink 182 poster on Ryan’s wall. He again reached in his bag for the stethoscope before freezing…

“What are the odds he-“ Will turned his wrist gently and the safe opened. It too was unlocked.

There Will stood, staring down his prize: Ryan’s laptop. All he had to do was hack in to get everything he had worked so had for. A tear began to form in his eye. The plan was coming together.

Will opened that laptop and, lo-and-behold, Ryan didn’t even have a lock screen. The moon peeked out on the otherside of the trees. It was time to leave. Will raced to ESPN’s website and took what he wanted: Terrelle Pryor Sr.

But before he could take him, Will had to throw off the sent of the league. So he did what only he could do: He threw in a Denver Bronco and a tight end who was on IR. The Robbery was complete.

He never saw it coming

Will has had almost the exact opposite season as Gabe. He started 4-0, posting a season high 146 points in Week 3 against a familial and divisional rival that shall not be named. But since, he has gone 1-3 while posting a season low 36 points in Week 5 against a guy who leaves everything he owns unlocked.

So what has happened? How has Will slipped this much? Well, a few reasons: Todd Gurley has played 2 of the NFL’s top defenses and had his BYE in these last 4 weeks, while Will’s namesake Juju Smith-Schuster (Fantasy Darling and blooming superstar) has been riding Will’s bench. In short, it’s a bit of a gauntlet and a few bad decisions that is keeping him away from 6-2 or possibly 7-1.

And, while I’d love to sit and roast Will for this streak of his, I must instead commend him on his achievement. Congratulations, Will, on this absolute robbery you’ve committed. 

6.) (LW #6) Fantasy Fatale, 4-4 (80.5 PPG, .137 NPRP)

Melinda has had a tough season, to say the least. She cannot seem to string together more than 2 win in a row, she has only scored over 100 points once in 8 weeks, and she’s only averaging a measly 80 points per game.

            It’s been rough. She has suffered through injuries, a ragtag team of WR2’s, and Jay Ajayi. And yet, this woman declined every trade that came her way. She is stubborn to a fault, but sometimes that stubbornness breeds champions.

            Just not this week.

            This week Lindy has a matchup against Need For Snead (or, The team almost known as Super Flash Bros. Melee), who is averaging 23 points more per game than she is. This one could get rough.

7.) (LW #7) Team Smith, 4-4 (76.875 PPG, .131 NPRP)

            Cheryl, like Melinda before her, has only posted triple digits once this season. However, unlike Melinda, she started off hotter than she ever had before.

            The Smiths flew out of the gates this season with a 4-1 record. With Dave and Cheryl’s combined powers of luck and skill, they had a better record through week 5 than either of the former champs had ever posted individually.

            I didn’t like Cheryl’s team in Week 6. I was ready to dismantle it and use as much hyperbole and negativity as I could to curse this team into the depths of the rankings. But, unfortunately, I was overwhelmed with work and weddings and never got to post that prophetic blog.

            But now, Cheryl has dropped 3 straight and has fallen to 7^th, sitting at 4^th in her own division. She has the 2^nd fewest points against her this season (as I noted in Matt’s portion of this blog), and the 2^nd fewest points scored. With 77 points per game, I don’t think Cheryl stands a chance of making playoffs as a wildcard, which means that she’ll have to climb to the number 2 spot of a contentious division with only 5 weeks left to go.

Cheryl trying to look at her team each week

            It sounds difficult, but not impossible…and also not at all her fault. Her top 2 drafted running backs, Spence Ware and David Johnson, are done for the year with injuries. She has done as best as she can to pick up every player that I’ve cut for whatever reason, but if you take out her lone triple digit outing, Cheryl’s only scored 500 points over 7 games…which amounts to 71 PPG.

            The only thing I will include from the now-archived Week 6 blog where I predicted Cheryl’s downfall is this: Only one other team in the history of the league has started off 4-1 and not made playoffs: The highest scoring team of all time, Super Flash Bros.

8.) (LW #8) The Sir Winstons, 3-5 (80.625 PPG, .126 NPRP)

Ryan’s strange season continues. He’s averaging more points per game than 5 other teams, and yet he sits in the bottom 5 with a losing record.

            Ryan has had a tough year outside of fantasy too, so I don’t want to be too hard on him here. It seems as though everything he owns is slowly being stolen from him: Jewelry, cash, cars, clothes, etc. And what’s weirder: They’ve all been replaced with Broncos players and the occasional tight end on IR.

All that remains of Ryan's stuff

            I hope things get better for you, man. Let me know if you need anything: Locks, for example.

9.) (LW #9) The Rookie, 3-5 (79.625 PPG, .124 NPRP)

            I need to issue an urgent message to Tim: Certain members of the league (not me), want to see the beast within.

            Every time I send out an e-mail, or a blog, Tim will respond to me with a happy little message. “Thanks Nick!” it’ll read, “I can’t wait!” Occasionally he will joke about his record, or his team, etc.

Uncle Tim trying to be malicious

            But now that Tim is through half a season of this debauchery called Fantasy Football, it’s time to let the animal emerge. It’s time to talk some smack.

            Tim’s team isn’t bad. Where some owners (Dave) would have quit after debuting with a 51 point outing, Tim has stuck with it and constructed a roster with 6 top-15 players. Even though he lost last week, Tim put up more than 95 points for the 3^rd time, which 4 teams have yet to do. This squad is formidable and has gotten significantly better as the year has progressed.

            He’s won 2 of his last 4 (and would have beaten 9 other teams last week when he lost) and has gotten a firm grasp on how the game is played. So now, Tim, it’s time to spit some venom.

            This week would be the perfect time to do it: You’re playing an opponent who is severely overrated and a victory over him would significantly damage his chances at playoffs. What’s even better is that you already have a sizable lead against him!

            Please Tim, don’t let Sean write your portion of the rankings next week, or whenever I get around to it again.

10.) (LW #11) Strictly Bangers, 3-5 (79.5 PPG, .124 NPRP)

             The Kübler-Ross model states that there are 5 stages of grief. Bobby B is in stage 5.

You know someone is at their low point when they say “Look at me climbing the rankings” after 2 sub-90 point outings. Even with 2 consecutive wins, the man only has 3 on the year and has YET TO SCORE 100 POINTS.

How did this happen? How did we get here? It’s too early to officially rule him out of playoffs, but he’s fringing on it. He is 3 games out of second place in the conference with 5 games remaining. He’s only scored my that 90 points twice. He is in a world of trouble and, according to official and rotary-approved league documents, he apparently won a championship last year?

So how has he fallen so hard? Well, the first stage is:

DENIAL

After an 0-2 start, including a loss to Corey and a 12^th place ranking, Bobby B read the rankings. He said “That was funny, but it’s still early…”

ANGER

After beating Tim, Robert lost to Gabe 130 to 78. “That is such crap!” he cried, “how do I always play the highest scoring team?”

BARGAINING

Between Weeks 4 and 5, Bobby B and I were working out a trade to send Odell Beckham Jr. to me for Leonard Fournette. Accroding to pops, he was “sick of him not performing.” Unfortunately for him, the trade was not made in time for Week 5…

DEPRESSION

Odell Beckham was injured in Week 5 and Robert suffered to consecutive losses to the clown kings: Ryan and Matt. While he is too strong to cry over something as trivial as fantasy football, I heard him utter the words “I’m done. Why do we play this stupid game?”

ACCEPTANCE

And now, here we are. After 2 consecutive wins, Robert has accepted that what fate has in store for him will come regardless. He will not fight fantasy death, but rather, he will greet it like an old friend. He will continue to set a lineup and spoil the hopes of all he faces, but he has abandoned all hopes of his own.

This, truly, makes Strictly Bangers, reigning champions, the most dangerous team in the league.

11.) (LW #10) The Cheesecake Argument, 2-6 (82.875 PPG, .117 NPRP)

The jet touched down as the sun was just beginning to peak just over the frozen mountains. Corey Hewett sat in business class aboard Southwest flight 642, but this business was personal. It was 6:52 in the morning and he had one more flight to catch back home at 9:15.

Corey packed light for this trip, just one black duffel bag in case he needed it. He walked briskly through the airport, fast enough to get where he needed to go but slow enough to not draw attention to himself in an airport that seemed to be on high alert. Something was off.

He reached the parking garage where a black Volkswagen Jetta was waiting for him. Something conspicuous, something vaguely familiar. He pulled out of the garage and flashed a fake badge that had been planted for him. Everything was going according to plan.

He parked downtown, a few miles away from his destination. Far enough to not draw eyes but close enough that he could run to his car if something went wrong. He looked around the brisk fall morning. Everything was right where he remembered it. The casinos, the bars, the shops…

Corey laughed as his eyes met one shop in particular. “Never trust a watch salesman in downtown Reno, Nevada,” he laughed to himself.

A car pulled up in front of him. It was a young Asian woman in a black Lexus. She seemed almost familiar to Corey, but not enough to garner any additional conversation.

“Where are you headed?” She asked.

“I’m headed to see my brother.”

Corey arrived at the house at around 7:23. He was right on time. He paid the driver a sizable tip before grabbing his duffel and crossing the street over to the house.

Ryan was never up before 8am unless he had to be, and Corey had it on good authority that he didn’t have to be. Corey pulled up to the door and opened it without any issues. Ryan never locks anything, not even his own front door.

He stood in the doorway and gazed over the tattered family room. The walls were peeling and faded, the carpet was moldy and stained, and the entire room was littered with Denver Broncos and the ghost of one tight end who was done for the season.

Corey smiled and shook his head. Nothing had changed, which meant that this would be an easy process. He entered Ryan’s room, gazing in pity over his sleeping brother. Even the storm that was coming couldn’t awaken him.

Corey began to walk towards the Blink-182 poster when he noticed it…something was off. The bottom corner of the poster had been peeled off. Someone was here first. Moving uch more cautiously, Corey removed the poster and opened the unlocked safe to retrieve Ryan’s unlocked laptop. He opened it up and noticed that someone had been here before. A professional. But, as luck would have it, a professional who missed out on the real prize.

He took out Ryan’s most valuable possession: Jordan Howard. Ryan snored almost as if he could sense it in his sleep. “No matter,” Corey thought, “he doesn’t know what he has in you.” Finally, with Howard in his possession, Corey reached into his duffel bag and pulled out the only things that lay within: A Denver Bronco and the ghost of Matt Forte.

The Robbery Part 2 

I’ve been so excited to write this portion of the rankings. I saved it for last so that I had something to work for.

You may have gone into this thinking how I was going to dismantle Corey for his tie and eventual loss to 12^th place Fast Eddie, the lowest scoring team in the league. You may have expected me to go on and on about how he is nestled safely at 11^th, in the bottom 3^rd of the rankings for the 6^th consecutive year. You may have gone in thinking that I’d rip him a new one for his 2-6 start, his worst through 8 weeks since “Nick’s Team” in 2015.

But, instead, I’m going to talk about how much damn fun this team is.

ITS SO MUCH FUN

Corey has scored 663 points so far this season, good for 6^th in the league. That may sound average to many of you, but 6 teams make playoffs…and 2 of them are going solely on points scored.

Corey has slowly and meticulously garnered a stable of solid, consistent players who score points. They haven’t all been able to play at the same time in these bye weeks, but they are there and they are festering.

What I’m saying is…Corey might make playoffs, and that really fires me up. I’m not saying that I want him to win these last 5 games, though. Quite the opposite. I want Corey to lose these next 5 games, but score about 90 points in each one so that he enters playoffs as the 2-11 6 seed, putting a huge exclamation point on his first playoff berth.

Corey??? In the PLAYOFFS!?!?!

Earlier in this blog I brought up Cinderella teams facetiously. Corey Hewett and The Cheesecake Argument are the biggest Cinderella candidate that his league has ever seen. They are the darlings of the league. Every team writes them off as Corey racks up loss after loss all while he silently scores over 80 points in 5 of his 8 games.

Only 4 other teams have done that, and those 4 teams are currently ranked 1, 2, 4, and 8. Sean, Myself, Gabe, and Ryan. Like I said, I would love for Corey to lose these next 5 weeks, but only if he goes where he has never gone before: Playoffs.

12.) (LW #12) Fast Eddie, 2-6 (76.375 PPG, .108 PPG)

What is 80 points worth? 80 points is generally the average in Fantasy. You’re not happy with it, but it can be enough to get you a win. Some might call it the floor, but we all know that the floor is much, much lower.

            Eddie has only put up 80+ points 3 times in 8 weeks. I won’t chock that up to skill or luck. It’s a bad beat in a worse season. Luckily, like the Black Mamba before him, Eddie has refused to give up on his season, and presses on. He still stays active on waivers and by setting lineups (unlike others who have fallen to similar circumstances in years past CURTIS).

            Eddie has the lowest scoring team in the league. Eddie has the 2^nd highest points against. Eddie’s had it rough. No team that has started 0-5 like Eddie did has ever made playoffs. In fact, Eddie is the first team since Corey’s VERSACE VERSACE in 2013 to start 0-5, and he finished in the bottom 2 with a 5-8 record.

            He may be on an upswing by going 2-1 in Weeks 6-8, but so did VERSACE VERSACE. Only Eddie has the power to change his stars, and beating 11^th ranked Corey last week was a great way to start. Don’t give up Eddie. Don’t ever give up.