Well, well, well. Fancy running into you here. How long has it been? 12 months? You think you can just come on this website and expect me to tell you fanciful stories about good teams and bad teams? Taking fire and brimstone and throwing them effortlessly at certain rosters, torching them from within until I get tired?
Then you’ve come to the right place.
Welcome back. I’d say I’ve missed you all, but this year was…different. This was the first time since we’ve started this whole shebang where I couldn’t make myself care. Maybe it’s the new house. Maybe it’s my job taking up so much of my time and energy. Maybe it’s “maturity.” Whatever it is, I couldn’t me arsed to do my typical research or stay up running different mock draft scenarios. I didn’t want to plan the draft or change any rules or answer calls about people’s schedules.
But then I turned on a preseason game for about 10 minutes. It was a Jets game and Zach Wilson, the Golden Mormon, was starting and I was curious about what the Jets would look like after an overhaul this summer.
We’ve all gone through overhauls recently, in a way: Jimmy’s
moved to Spokane, Will and Hannah are renting a house, Melinda is up to 4
bottles of wine a day from her previous 3.5. Anyway, Zach Wilson let loose a
nice pass down the seam to Corey Davis for a first down and, like a slap in the
face, I woke up.
I could vividly remember the championship last year: Just needing 4.5 points from Corey Davis in order to take home my second consecutive championship. I was playing scrabble with my wife, sister-in-law, and mother-in-law while I watched the Titans get blown out. It was a cold night in Green Bay and the Corey Davis couldn’t do anything right. The Titans pulled their starters midway through the 4th and I sat in agony spelling crap like “sway” and “xi” and “poodle” just to hold back from a complete breakdown.
Corey Davis screwed me over and, now, he was in a different place and he was thriving. We, too, are in different places: I’m in a lovely home, Sean is working at Total Wine, and Corey literally moved across the street from his old apartment.
So much has changed and so much has stayed the same. Every year for the past 10 years we’ve grown, we’ve learned, we’ve held weird grudges about professional football players, and we flock to this sight just to see my inner 20 year-old passive aggressively destroy my family members.
So welcome back, good luck this year, and may God have mercy on your souls.
(Preseason rankings, as usual, are created based off of online “Rank My Team” tools. I am purely the messenger, here.)
1.) Can You Digg It?
This is Gabe’s 3rd time clinching the top spot in the preseason rankings and his 2nd straight appearance at #1 post-draft. Over the 10-year history of this league, we’ve gotten to know each other: Who is a shoe-in for the playoffs, who chokes in November, and who takes too much time to make draft picks…but we all seem to overlook Gabe’s drafting year-after-year.
I myself have wound up at #1 in the preseason rankings thrice, but I also took 9 years to do it. Gabe has done it in 6. After the draft, Gabe was confident, telling reporters “I tried to remove any personal feelings…my goal was to get the best players when it was my turn.” It sounds like a simple strategy, but somehow countless managers forget to actually draft good players (you’ll read about a number of them later).
But how is Gabe’s team ranked so high? Who did he take that
makes him stand above the rest? The answer is simple: He let players fall to
him and refused to let them slip past. Gabe got 3 strong choices at running
back: Zeke, Joe Mixon, and David Montgomery. They aren’t the sexiest choices, but
all 3 have a clear path to production without much stopping them from racking
up points. He did much of the same thing at receiver, snagging Diggs, Chris
Godwin, and analytics darling Brandon Aiyuk to pair with top-10 positional
players in Mark Andrews and Justin Herbert.
Do some teams have better running backs? Yes. Jimmy and Corey might give Gabe trouble with their 1-2 punches. Are there strong WR corps? Absolutely. I think Eddie, Tim, and possibly Corey look better there. But does Gabe have a weakness?
No. And the scariest thing in fantasy isn’t the team with 3 good wide receivers, it’s the team with strength everywhere.
2.) Mahome Improvement
You can disrespect me all you want, but I win. I relished those chirps when I took Patrick Mahomes in the 3rd. You can turn to each other and talk about how rude I am about your picks, but the numbers don’t lie: Last season was my worst season and I still placed second.
Do I have 2 championships? Not yet, but I have 10 wins and over 800 points more than the next best team. Over these 9 years I’ve scored over 1100 more points than I’ve allowed with the next best team only having 325. Don’t lie to yourselves: You’re not bracing for Bobby B’s pratfall of Clowns, you’re trying to figure out how to slow me down.
Is this my best team ever? I don’t think so. Sean and Tim took a number of players I was hoping for along with a couple of sleepers getting sniped along the way, but I sure am happy that I can roll out a vengeful Patrick Mahomes with the primary weapons of an equally hungry Packers team.
As I mentioned above, I wasn’t feeling fantasy this year. But once we hit those late rounds and I watched good players fall to me while you argued about Defenses in the 11th round…the itch came back. My birthday was in May but thank you for the belated gifts of Darrell Henderson, Odell Beckham, Ronald Jones, and Jakobi Meyers. They very well may not crack my starting lineup of last year’s #1 WR, #3 QB, #4 RB, #6 TE, and #5 kicker, but they make for good depth.
3.) New Blood
Jimmy accomplished a lot on Sunday: He engaged in his first live draft, he pissed off the mild-mannered Bobby B, and he answered the question: Does Jimmy know what he’s doing or is he a mark?
One of the things that Jimmy needs to learn about this league and everything that happened before his induction, is both how aggressive these Power Rankings can be and how one member is always pegged as being lucky rather than good.
I won’t torch Jimmy because a.) He’s new and b.) His team is strong…but I have to call into question whether he made good choices or whether those around him made BAD choices.
Jimmy had the 2nd pick of the draft and wound up with the #1 player. Not out of the realm of normalcy, but about the equivalent to finding a $5 bill on the ground. Moving on, however, it’s interesting to see that Jimmy was the 5th manager to select a defense and somehow wound up with the #2 at that position as well as the #1 kicker when he, again, was the 2nd to select.
Is Jimmy good? We’ll have to wait and see. Is Jimmy lucky? Looks like we found that out expeditiously. Either way, regardless of correlation or causation, what we can gather from this admittedly good roster is that Jimmy is willing to do some level of homework in order to put a good team together. He doesn’t go off hunches, he doesn’t reach (too much), and he doesn’t solely operate off of homerisms.
4.) Sunday Cookout
For the first time in the history of the Power Rankings, I’m going to admit that I was wrong. I expected to come on here, rip Lindy’s team to shreds and go paragraph-by-paragraph through each pick (like I do with some other teams) but after reviewing the automated message that gets spit out for each roster, I’ve had a change of heart here.
Dalvin Cook may not have been the consensus #1 pick, but he’s
pretty much a sure thing and will almost certainly produce. Partnered with Josh
Allen she has a strong case for the 2nd best QB/RB duo in the league.
Where Lindy really shines opposed to most teams, however, is her particular brand of lottery ticket. I considered Myles Gaskin to be a horrible overreach as her RB2, but the latest news out of Miami is that he’ll be receiving the large bulk of carries for a good offense which makes for an excellent 5th round choice.
I could go into Kareem Hunt, Nyheim Hines, and Michael Gallup but I’m at 3000 words already and no one reads this for that kind of analysis.
5.) The GOAT
If you really think about it, Will is in the toughest spot of anyone right now. With 2 championships, Will was well on his way to a 3rd last year with an 11-2 record utilizing top-10 players at virtually every position. But wouldn’t you know it, the rug was pulled out from under him at the worst possible second in the playoffs and he had to sit back helplessly while Bobby B joined him on the dual-trophy podium.
Will was nearly immortal. It’s a tale as old as time and something we’re all familiar with either through our own misfortunes or that of our favorite teams. Sometimes you get lost in the sauce and other times you’re blindsided and never have a chance to recover.
This season could be his redemption. Sure, he’s one of the best managers in league history and sure, it’s an impossible ask to repeat the success of last year, but if anyone can do it, it’s the wunderkind. I mean, look at his roster! It’s….it’s…
It’s OK.
Following perhaps the best first 3 picks of the whole draft, Will seemingly drafted whatever names he recognized. Miles Sanders is OK and gets a reasonable amount of hype every year until games actually start being players, Amari Cooper is a top-10 wide receiver until he decides he’s not, Tee Higgins was nice last season and enters a healthy but crowded offense…
And don’t get me started on Giovani Bernard.
Overall, it’s a good team. It’s a playoff team. But if any team could collapse like my attempt at sourdough bread during quarantine, it’s this one. I mean, speaking of names, look at Will’s quar-
Oh shit. We’re doomed.
6.) Fast Eddie
Looking at this list you’ll find that Eddie fell exactly where you would expect him to. Eddie decided to go the route of overdrafting an average running back and then loading up on receivers. Tyreek Hill and AJ Brown are bound to cause a lot of problems this season, particularly with MVP candidate Kyler Murray at QB. Those are the kinds of names that win you weeks on their own.
But Eddie is down here at 6th because he has yet to learn about the hype machine. As a Laker fan, Eddie sees every news story as a benefit to him. Of course Kobe was better than MJ. Of course the Lakers are destined to win the 2021 championship this season because they have the 2013 All-Star team. And of course Kyle Pitts is a gift from above that will win you your league despite the fact that he will need to have the single greatest season a rookie tight end has ever had despite the fact that it is the hardest position for a rookie.
YOU THINK THIS MAN WILL SAVE YOU????
Let’s stay on that point, shall we? Kyle Pitts is possibly the greatest tight end prospect ever, but at a 5th round price he will have to not only have the greatest rookie season ever, he’ll have to put out 125% of the current best season in order to return value. Could he? Sure. Will he? I wasn’t willing to pay to find out.
Eddie after burning a high pick on a rookie TE.
But this isn’t about me, it’s about Eddie’s team. According to the preseason analysis from football guys, Eddie is 9th in RBs and 10th in FLEX strength. He is set up much better than the teams below him and will most likely make his 3rd playoff appearance (and 1st since 2018), especially if he continues his 5-year streak of making more transactions than any other manager.
7.) Joe Buck Yourself
Sean has had a rough couple of years since he won his sole championship in 2015. Some would chalk it up to bad injury luck. Others, bad drafting and inactivity on the waiver wire. Me? I have two theories.
Explore with me
From 2012-2014, Sean would have a different team name every season. Some years, like “What Would Jones Drew” in 2013, he named them after players on his roster like so many of us. Other years, like the “Sacramento Shenanigans” in 2012, the team name reflected where Sean was at in life. In 2015, however, Sean made the connection that Joe Buck had a funny name.
Joe Buck had recently started his show, “Undeniable with Joe Buck,” around this time and Sean realized that the oft-memed commentator (and one of the best in recent American history) had a name that rhymed with one of Sean’s favorite vulgar phrases. Hence, “Joe Buck Yourself” was born.
Since adopting the name, Sean has gone 41-37 and only made playoffs twice. Most years have resulted in a paltry 7-6 or 6-7, making his rosters more akin to Jeff Fischer than Joe Buck. This year, based solely off of this roster and it’s initial preseason ranking, Sean is destined for another near-.500 season that ends just short of a playoff berth.
I dare say that if Sean used that creativity of his and tried a new name, he might be able to turn this ship around. I mean it’s either that or he starts trying again.
8.) Big Mistake
There was music carrying through the Summer nights. In the blue gardens of Chicago, men and girls came and went like moths among the bass and the molly and the stars. From 9 in the morning to well past midnight, faceless artists with varied, forgettable names played endless expanses of nonsense to the large, oblivious crowd. Among them, in his best Summer linens, was Corey M. Hewett.
Back from the dead.
The bar is in full swing, with cocktails and concoctions circling the festival grounds until the air is alive with chatter and laughter, and casual innuendo and introductions forgotten on the spot, and enthusiastic meetings between women who never knew each other’s names.
The lights grow brighter as the earth lurches away from the sun, and now the DJ is playing a remix of Yellow by Coldplay with the voices pitched higher than the crowd. Laughter is easier minute by minute, spilled with prodigality, tipped out at a cheerful word or an exchange of a bracelet or totem. The groups change more swiftly, swell with new arrivals, dissolve and form in the same breath…
But in the midst of the breaths, heaving to- and fro- as
individuals became a collective, Corey stood like a droplet of water among the
sand. Corey arrived well after the party had started and would surely be
leaving before its end. He had always enjoyed them, arriving just long enough
to put on a performance of his own, peacocking and what not before returning to
privacy.
Today was different, though.
Corey stared at his phone, analyzing every letter of the
pre-draft email. The screen twitched with every throb of bass permeating
through the air. All week he had looked forward to letting loose and enjoying
the music, but now that he was here? He couldn’t let his mind stop wandering
back towards the hope of redemption.
Corey isn’t new to the Captain’s League. In fact, he’s a founding member entering his 8th season. He’s seen the majority of history unfold firsthand and yet Corey has been in the bottom third of the league every year that he’s managed a team. With a win percentage of 37% and a league-low -629.5 +/-, he had to take some time off to rediscover his love of the game. Even after finding it, however, he was stuck in Chicago while his fate was determined.
Suddenly, the lights went out and the world grew still.
Corey knew that he was surrounded by thousands of people, but none of them made a sound. The stage was vacant and dark. In this mass gathering, he was simply alone, comforted only by the dim light of his iphone screen. Suddenly, and without warning, whispers began to slither like waves among the dronelike bodies surrounding him: Simple syllables, cryptically repeated like a damning secret, seeking the soul responsible for a crime.
“Autodraft,” a voice said, certain and cold. More soon joined in. Thousands, if not millions, cried out. “Autodraft. Autodraft. Autodraft.” The voices were sporadic and ceasless, never in unison and always spoken in disappointment. The speakers came alive only to spill distorted synths and bass hits before crumbling under their own weight, engulfed by the horde of soulless bodies continuing to gather together.
The barrage continued until the phone lit up with a notification, bringing immediate silence to the hive. It was a single text from the commissioner. Corey tapped the screen just as the crowd, seemingly infinite in quantity but one in spirit, spoke all at once.
“We are your wide receivers,” they said, laughing.
Corey’s team is, without a doubt, the most hilarious and deeply disappointing result of an autodraft that I’ve seen. Does he have good players? Absolutely, but he hit the league limit of Wide receivers all in a row. Corey has 8 good players at the deepest position in fantasy to pair with 2 good running backs, an unproven QB, and possibly the worst Tight End in the Captain’s League.
I don’t know if he’s rediscovered his love of competition or if he found a way to get an edge and make his way into the playoffs for the 2nd time in 9 years, but this is probably the worst way to come back.
9.) Bear Force One
At 12:07pm on Labor Day, I called Bobby B to apologize for my behavior during the draft. Over the past few months I’ve been dealing with some things that, in a failed effort to reduce a breakdown, resulted in him taking the brunt of my attacks. Seemingly every pick, even the good ones, were called into question. Granted, I was not the only one chirping at the reigning champion, but my point still stood: I had crossed a line.
He felt differently. We discussed the draft, the Notre Dame/Florida State game, and Labor Day plans for around 12 minutes before we hung up. It was a nice moment shared between father and son. Then I went online and entered the draft results.
Imagine my surprise when Bobby B, the reigning champ and one of two 2x Champions in league history, ranked below a team that autodrafted 8 straight Wide Receivers and was stuck with Jalen Hurts at QB. I don’t put a lot of stock into preseason rankings but this team must be BAD.
In reality, it’s average at every position with zero strength aside from RB1. Clyde Edwards-Helaire is unproven and Mike Evans very well might be the 3rd target in Tampa. Noah Fant has upside and Javonte Williams might become the starter in Denver, but once again Bobby B overdrafted AFC West rivals over proven commodities. Clyde over Calvin Ridley? Javonte over Kareem Hunt? Fant over Chase Claypool? Even Brandon McManus over Leonard Fournette?
These decisions aren’t just eye-opening, they almost force you to stare like you’ve been rudely plunged into a Clockwork Orange-esque dystopia where chaos overtook reason. As of this writing, Henry Ruggs III is ESPN’s WR48, ranking in at 101 of 300 players. This would often place him in the 10th round (in theory, as I had not seen him taken in any of my mock drafts). Bobby B took him with pick 83. If he had chosen, say Brandin Cooks or Antonio Brown instead, Ruggs would statistically still fall to him at his next pick, #108.
Finally, as if I haven’t beaten this to death, there is no need to draft a defense or a kicker before the last 2 rounds. Zero. Zilch. Statistically, it’s better to find kickers on hobbled offenses which we can only find from watching games. Is it nice to have Justin Tucker in all year just so we don’t sweat it? Sure, but if he’s not there then you don’t have to reach for ESPN’s 5th ranked kicker (as though they did any research on 3-32). Similarly, Tampa Bay’s defense, while effective in the playoffs, was only above average for fantasy. You could have left them alone in the 11th round and taken budding star Curtis Samuel or last year’s sweetheart Devin Singletary and taken last season’s 8th ranked defense (Miami) in the last 2 rounds.
Behold the strength of Bear Force One
They say you can’t win your league at the draft, but you can lose it. And the most surefire way to let that happen is to overdraft a defense and a kicker while potential starters and bona-fide plug-ins are still on the board.
Oh, and before you tell me that defense wins championships, just remember that you had the 12th best defense in a 10-team league last year.
10.) Kittles N Bits
As of this writing, the cost of a round trip between San Francisco and Las Vegas on short notice is about $240. To some of you that may not be a lot of money, but according to this random thread from 2015 that I found on the internet, here are some things you can buy for $240:
A musical instrument
A dog
Bills
Books and art supplies
A little greenhouse
Carving Knives
Brewing equipment
4 new video games
Kanye West’s Balenciaga mask
LOTS of candy
Like a LOT of candy
Instead, Tim spent his money on a trip to Las Vegas to visit his aggressive sister and her snotty sons. He slept in a hot basement, drank some Blue Moons, and stood before his fantasy football league to proclaim his 2021 first-round pick…George Kittle.
TIM-BERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Tim is entering his 5th year in the league and has a .500 record all-time (26 wins, 26 losses). Somehow, he has made the Playoffs every single year since his induction, but it appears as though he is willing to give up that streak.
He is known for his avid 49er fandom, but this is a bridge too far. Aside from the preposterous George Kittle selection, Tim followed it up by taking Raheem Mostert, ESPN’s RB29, in the 2nd round with players like Tyreek Hill, Antonio Gibson, and Deandre Hopkins still available. What was he thinking? Why would someone so successful throw it away for a fleeting moment of joy? Is Fantasy Football all just a simple game and the real objective is to garner relationships with the 9 other people in this family league?
Nonsense. This is a war crime and I will not stand for it. It is a slap in the face of the hundreds of hours of work that we have put in building this great thing we have. I waste away reading articles and writing blogs for this thing called Fantasy Football. You use it as a punchline.
I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleep under the blanket of the very draft that I provide and then brings into question the manner in which I provide it. I'd rather you just say “Nick Chubb” and go on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up some RBs and pray for a lottery ticket. Either way, this spot is getting sold for sponsored content.
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