1.) (LW #1) Joe Buck Yourself, 7-1 (119.75 PPG, .254 NPRP)
Sean is absolutely running away
with this league. Since losing to this year’s Cinderella by 43, Sean has posted
2 consecutive 150+ weeks, which also happen to be the 2 highest outings of any
team this season.
Sean vs Everyone
With a 128
point lead in points scored, this team will safely find itself in the Playoffs
unless they lose their starting QB, Starting RB, and post 5 consecutive sub-40
point outings.
The highest
scoring team of all time was the legendary Super Flash Bros. of 2014, who put
up 1439 points in the regular season. Sean is a mere 481 points away from
breaking that record with 5 weeks left to go in the year. If he maintains this
pace (and if Ezekiel Elliott continues to disrupt the legal process of the
United States) then we may find ourselves staring at an All-Time team on its
way to Sean’s 2nd Championship (also a new record).
And if
you’re like me and were concerned about who is left on Sean’s schedule that
could challenge the behemoth: Don’t you worry your pretty little head, because
this dude only plays one team with a winning record and it is the luckiest team
possibly in league history. All that Sean has left is, in order: Bobby B, Matt,
Corey, Tim, and Gabe. Their total record lies at 18-22.
Enjoy
Playoffs.
2.) (LW #4) Need For Snead, 5-3 (103.75 PPG, .191 NPRP)
Throughout the history of competition, there have always
been 2 kinds of competitors: The Powerhouses (Sean, Will, Conor McGregor, etc.)
and the losers (Matt, Corey, Universities in Nevada, etc.), but in 1998 a new
form of competitor had emerged: The Cinderella Team.
A little history lesson for you from Gus Johnson
Cinderella
teams are marked by a few key attributes: They’re often overmatched, they’re
gritty, and they find ways to win. In 2017, Cinderella has been reborn, and her
name is Need For Snead.
In Week 6,
after being called an 8-point underdog against the undefeated and unmatched Joe
Buck Yourself (a unanimous #1), the fairy godmother gifted Cinderella with a
magic pair of Yeezy cleats, allowing Leonard “MotherF’in” Fournette to dance
his way to 130 yards and a touch. It seemed as though the team that was
seemingly picked through divine intervention had crushed the ruler of mere
mortals by a score of 119 to 77.
That week I
received texts, phone calls, flowers, and the occasional singing telegram
praising my reign and swearing loyalty under my new kingdom…but the fantasy
gods had other plans…Just one week after handing out the biggest L in league
history, I received a package.
I remember
giving a speech at 2 of my dearest friends’ wedding, absolutely slaying the
room when a US postal worker approached me and asked for a signature.
“It must be
another bottle of Santana champagne,” I thought to myself as I carelessly
signed away. Upon receiving the strange package, I opened it only to find
horrors within.
Inside the
box was a giant, bold-faced, Capital L. I dropped to my knees, feeling the
blood seep out of the wounds in my back when I checked to see who it was from:
“With all
the love that I possess,” it read, “The Son.”
I wept. I could hear demons around me laugh at my blindness
and my pain. I was so focused on the undefeated that I had taken my eyes off of
the true enemy: The Sewer Dwellers.
They say a
son must suffer the sins of their father, but sometimes the son continues to
commit the same sins…in this case, both have occurred in our league.
Just as his
father before him, Matt Smith handed me a loss while I was focused on those who
mattered. But, unlike when Dave beat me in the Championship all those years
ago, I’ve regrouped with hell behind me.
Leonard
Fournette is back, Stefon Diggs has been brought in, and this team is leading a
conference of champions and challengers alike. The season is far from over, but
time will tell how badly this team has the need. The Need for Snead.
3.) (LW #3) Dak City, 6-2 (86.6 PPG, .172 NPRP)
In all my years I have never seen
a more pitiful excuse for a Top-3 team. Matt, like his father before him, has
BLINDLY found his way to a 6-2 record while having the fewest points against by
a HUGE margin.
Matt cruising through his season
Throughout 8 weeks, only 570
points have been scored against Matt, with #1 Sean scoring 103 of those. That
is the fewest points against in the league. The second-place finisher? Cheryl
and Dave with 610. After that? Sean with 659. That means that the Smiths have
138 fewer points against them than any other team in the league. It’s absurd.
Although, it should come as no surprise
since Matt is the league’s all-time worst team in points per game. That’s
right, after 5 and a half years, Matt puts up fewer points each week than
anyone to ever play in this league.
That's All-Time weak, Zo
As for points scored this season,
Matt should find his way into playoffs, coming in at #5 overall, but with a
sneaky good team, Gabe might take over Matt’s #2 spot in the conference and
Corey has a shot to outscore him even with a 2-6 record.
How fitting would it be to have
Matt miss playoffs to a 2-6 team? I dare say that the punishment justifies the
crime.
Good luck this week against the
rookie. It would be a shame if one of his players put up 26 on a Thursday…
4.) (LW #5) O.J.'s On Parole, 4-4 (96.75 PPG, .164 NPRP)
This cannot and will not be forgiven.
In Gabe’s
time away, the league grew and changed in many exciting ways. Rookie players
became superstars, people who have seemingly never watched football won
championships, and I came to love a player known as Josh “Flash” Gordon.
<3
It all
started innocently enough: I was trying to make a playoff run and offered
Curtis Rueben Randle straight up during a bye week. That’s the beginning of a
long and tumultuous relationship.
There were
team names, there were logos, there were gifs…Super Flash Bros, 12 Weeks A
Slave, #FreeJoshGordon…with every misstep he took I still believed in the
return.
I played
Grand Theft Auto with him once and asked when he’d be back. His response?
“Soon.”
After his
70 stint in rehab I set reminders on my phone of when he would meet with the
league office, hoping that said meeting would end in his reinstatement. I put
in a waiver claim: Symbolically dropping Willie Snead for Josh Gordon, ready to
take my place at #2 as “Super Flash Bros. Melee.” But instead, something much
more treacherous happened…
I awoke to
discover that I had picked up Kenyon Drake instead. Was it a mistake? Had
someone really not picked up the starting running back for the Miami Dolphins?
No matter. Josh was not slated to meet with the commissioner until after noon
and he was still available in free agency. I sent him a snapchat of the
Lombardi trophy with a caption that read “Good luck today. The grind starts
now.” He responded with a fist emoji, signifying his support of the message.
Knowing that I would hear of his reinstatement first, I closed my phone and
returned to my job.
At 3:22 PM,
I got it. I got the message that the heir to my WR1 spot had been reinstated
after over 2 years. I rushed as quickly as I could to the app…but where was
Josh? I searched high and low on the player pool but he wasn’t there! Where in
the world was Flash Gordon???
Just 1 hour
and 12 minutes prior, Gabe decided to pick him up. Without any guarantee that
he would be reinstated, Gabe picked up Josh Gordon on a whim to see how things
went.
Me. Wednesday. 3:22 PM.
I was
crushed. After dropping David Johnson for him in 2 leagues, I texted Gabe to
voice my displeasure. Of all the wrongdoings that I have suffered in this
lifetime, none can amount to this.
Gabe has
put up over 100 points in each of the last 3 weeks, and is gearing up for a run
at the Playoffs. After starting 1-2 and not scoring more than 82 points to
start the season, this team has evolved into a higher form. Gabe has been
meticulous in his pickups and educated in his start/sit decisions. And, luckily
for him, he has 4 of the easiest teams over the next 4 weeks before closing out
his season with a rematch against Sean.
I like
Gabe’s team a lot to do well this year. But as of this moment I’m not a fan of
Gabe. :(
5.) (LW #2) Bad Juju, 5-3 (89.125 PPG, .164 NPRP)
It was late. The sun had fallen
beyond the horizon hours ago. He had no clocks in sight, but Will knew it had
to be around 1 in the morning based on the moon’s position in the sky. When it
fixed itself on the otherside of the trees, he would act.
Will was still, crouched amidst
the brush outside of a house in Reno wondering how his life had come to this.
The neighborhood was silent and still, almost as if everything was frozen in
place by some divine puppeteer. There was no wind, no sound, and seemingly no
air in this vacuum of a town, but Will would persevere through this torturous
stillness until the time was right.
Inside lay Ryan Hewett, asleep in
his bed. Possibly drunk, but the intel Will received had been wrong before.
Never trust a watch salesman in downtown Reno, Nevada.
“It’s funny,” Will thought to
himself, quietly enough to not pierce the silence. “Thiefs are glorified for
their tactics and lambasted for their crimes, but never praised for their
patience.” He smiled. “Well, they might this time.”
The moon broke behind the trees,
casting a shadow over the house. The time to act was now. Will coasted into
position at the front door. He spent months learning to pick locks and figured
it would be much more silent than entering via a broken window.
He knelt in front of the door,
extracting his tools from a black bag as he gently placed one had on the knob.
But, before he could so much as penetrate the lock, he felt a slight wiggle in
the door. Was it unlocked?
Sure enough, with a gentle turn
of the wrist the door gave him complete and total access to the chamber within.
“Lucky break,” he thought.
Will knew the layout of the house
like he lived there himself. 3 online course in architecture from Stanford
Online and 1 meth addict of a Reno contractor got him everything he needed to
see and understand the blueprints. Maybe he had invested too much for this, but
the payoff would be worth it.
He silently slid his way to
Ryan’s doorway, left wide open to reveal the sleeping victim in all his snoring
glory. Will smiled at the sight. This would be easier than the time Nick took
Josh Gordon from Curtis.
Will crept over to the safe
located behind the Blink 182 poster on Ryan’s wall. He again reached in his bag
for the stethoscope before freezing…
“What are the odds he-“ Will
turned his wrist gently and the safe opened. It too was unlocked.
There Will stood, staring down
his prize: Ryan’s laptop. All he had to do was hack in to get everything he had
worked so had for. A tear began to form in his eye. The plan was coming
together.
Will opened that laptop and,
lo-and-behold, Ryan didn’t even have a lock screen. The moon peeked out on the
otherside of the trees. It was time to leave. Will raced to ESPN’s website and
took what he wanted: Terrelle Pryor Sr.
But before he could take him,
Will had to throw off the sent of the league. So he did what only he could do:
He threw in a Denver Bronco and a tight end who was on IR. The Robbery was
complete.
He never saw it coming
Will has had almost the exact
opposite season as Gabe. He started 4-0, posting a season high 146 points in
Week 3 against a familial and divisional rival that shall not be named. But
since, he has gone 1-3 while posting a season low 36 points in Week 5 against a
guy who leaves everything he owns unlocked.
So what has happened? How has
Will slipped this much? Well, a few reasons: Todd Gurley has played 2 of the NFL’s
top defenses and had his BYE in these last 4 weeks, while Will’s namesake Juju
Smith-Schuster (Fantasy Darling and blooming superstar) has been riding Will’s
bench. In short, it’s a bit of a gauntlet and a few bad decisions that is
keeping him away from 6-2 or possibly 7-1.
And, while I’d love to sit and
roast Will for this streak of his, I must instead commend him on his
achievement. Congratulations, Will, on this absolute robbery you’ve committed.
6.) (LW #6) Fantasy Fatale, 4-4 (80.5 PPG, .137 NPRP)
Melinda has had a tough season,
to say the least. She cannot seem to string together more than 2 win in a row,
she has only scored over 100 points once in 8 weeks, and she’s only averaging a
measly 80 points per game.
It’s been
rough. She has suffered through injuries, a ragtag team of WR2’s, and Jay
Ajayi. And yet, this woman declined every trade that came her way. She is
stubborn to a fault, but sometimes that stubbornness breeds champions.
Just not
this week.
This week
Lindy has a matchup against Need For Snead (or, The team almost known as Super
Flash Bros. Melee), who is averaging 23 points more per game than she is. This
one could get rough.
7.) (LW #7) Team Smith, 4-4 (76.875 PPG, .131 NPRP)
Cheryl, like Melinda before her, has only posted triple
digits once this season. However, unlike Melinda, she started off hotter than
she ever had before.
The Smiths
flew out of the gates this season with a 4-1 record. With Dave and Cheryl’s
combined powers of luck and skill, they had a better record through week 5 than
either of the former champs had ever posted individually.
I didn’t like
Cheryl’s team in Week 6. I was ready to dismantle it and use as much hyperbole
and negativity as I could to curse this team into the depths of the rankings. But,
unfortunately, I was overwhelmed with work and weddings and never got to post
that prophetic blog.
But now,
Cheryl has dropped 3 straight and has fallen to 7th, sitting at 4th
in her own division. She has the 2nd fewest points against her this
season (as I noted in Matt’s portion of this blog), and the 2nd
fewest points scored. With 77 points per game, I don’t think Cheryl stands a
chance of making playoffs as a wildcard, which means that she’ll have to climb
to the number 2 spot of a contentious division with only 5 weeks left to go.
Cheryl trying to look at her team each week
It sounds
difficult, but not impossible…and also not at all her fault. Her top 2 drafted
running backs, Spence Ware and David Johnson, are done for the year with
injuries. She has done as best as she can to pick up every player that I’ve cut
for whatever reason, but if you take out her lone triple digit outing, Cheryl’s
only scored 500 points over 7 games…which amounts to 71 PPG.
The only
thing I will include from the now-archived Week 6 blog where I predicted
Cheryl’s downfall is this: Only one other team in the history of the league has
started off 4-1 and not made playoffs: The highest scoring team of all time,
Super Flash Bros.
8.) (LW #8) The Sir Winstons, 3-5 (80.625 PPG, .126 NPRP)
Ryan’s strange season continues. He’s averaging more points
per game than 5 other teams, and yet he sits in the bottom 5 with a losing
record.
Ryan has
had a tough year outside of fantasy too, so I don’t want to be too hard on him
here. It seems as though everything he owns is slowly being stolen from him:
Jewelry, cash, cars, clothes, etc. And what’s weirder: They’ve all been
replaced with Broncos players and the occasional tight end on IR.
All that remains of Ryan's stuff
I hope
things get better for you, man. Let me know if you need anything: Locks, for
example.
9.) (LW #9) The Rookie, 3-5 (79.625 PPG, .124 NPRP)
I need to issue an urgent message to Tim: Certain members of
the league (not me), want to see the beast within.
Every time
I send out an e-mail, or a blog, Tim will respond to me with a happy little
message. “Thanks Nick!” it’ll read, “I can’t wait!” Occasionally he will joke
about his record, or his team, etc.
Uncle Tim trying to be malicious
But now
that Tim is through half a season of this debauchery called Fantasy Football,
it’s time to let the animal emerge. It’s time to talk some smack.
Tim’s team
isn’t bad. Where some owners (Dave) would have quit after debuting with a 51
point outing, Tim has stuck with it and constructed a roster with 6 top-15
players. Even though he lost last week, Tim put up more than 95 points for the
3rd time, which 4 teams have yet to do. This squad is formidable and
has gotten significantly better as the year has progressed.
He’s won 2
of his last 4 (and would have beaten 9 other teams last week when he lost) and
has gotten a firm grasp on how the game is played. So now, Tim, it’s time to
spit some venom.
This week
would be the perfect time to do it: You’re playing an opponent who is severely
overrated and a victory over him would significantly damage his chances at
playoffs. What’s even better is that you already have a sizable lead against
him!
Please Tim,
don’t let Sean write your portion of the rankings next week, or whenever I get
around to it again.
10.) (LW #11) Strictly Bangers, 3-5 (79.5 PPG, .124 NPRP)
The Kübler-Ross model states that there are 5 stages of
grief. Bobby B is in stage 5.
You know someone is at their low
point when they say “Look at me climbing the rankings” after 2 sub-90 point
outings. Even with 2 consecutive wins, the man only has 3 on the year and has YET TO SCORE 100 POINTS.
How did this happen? How did we
get here? It’s too early to officially rule him out of playoffs, but he’s
fringing on it. He is 3 games out of second place in the conference with 5
games remaining. He’s only scored my that 90 points twice. He is in a world of
trouble and, according to official and rotary-approved league documents, he
apparently won a championship last year?
So how has he fallen so hard?
Well, the first stage is:
DENIAL
After an 0-2 start, including a loss to Corey and a 12th
place ranking, Bobby B read the rankings. He said “That was funny, but it’s
still early…”
ANGER
After beating Tim, Robert lost to Gabe 130 to 78. “That is
such crap!” he cried, “how do I always play the highest scoring team?”
BARGAINING
Between Weeks 4 and 5, Bobby B and I were working out a
trade to send Odell Beckham Jr. to me for Leonard Fournette. Accroding to pops,
he was “sick of him not performing.” Unfortunately for him, the trade was not
made in time for Week 5…
DEPRESSION
Odell Beckham was injured in Week 5 and Robert suffered to
consecutive losses to the clown kings: Ryan and Matt. While he is too strong to
cry over something as trivial as fantasy football, I heard him utter the words
“I’m done. Why do we play this stupid game?”
ACCEPTANCE
And now, here we are. After 2 consecutive wins, Robert has
accepted that what fate has in store for him will come regardless. He will not
fight fantasy death, but rather, he will greet it like an old friend. He will
continue to set a lineup and spoil the hopes of all he faces, but he has
abandoned all hopes of his own.
This, truly, makes Strictly
Bangers, reigning champions, the most dangerous team in the league.
11.) (LW #10) The Cheesecake Argument, 2-6 (82.875 PPG, .117 NPRP)
The jet touched down as the sun
was just beginning to peak just over the frozen mountains. Corey Hewett sat in
business class aboard Southwest flight 642, but this business was personal. It
was 6:52 in the morning and he had one more flight to catch back home at 9:15.
Corey packed light for this trip,
just one black duffel bag in case he needed it. He walked briskly through the
airport, fast enough to get where he needed to go but slow enough to not draw
attention to himself in an airport that seemed to be on high alert. Something
was off.
He reached the parking garage where
a black Volkswagen Jetta was waiting for him. Something conspicuous, something
vaguely familiar. He pulled out of the garage and flashed a fake badge that had
been planted for him. Everything was going according to plan.
He parked downtown, a few miles
away from his destination. Far enough to not draw eyes but close enough that he
could run to his car if something went wrong. He looked around the brisk fall
morning. Everything was right where he remembered it. The casinos, the bars,
the shops…
Corey laughed as his eyes met one
shop in particular. “Never trust a watch salesman in downtown Reno, Nevada,” he
laughed to himself.
A car pulled up in front of him.
It was a young Asian woman in a black Lexus. She seemed almost familiar to
Corey, but not enough to garner any additional conversation.
“Where are you headed?” She
asked.
“I’m headed to see my brother.”
Corey arrived at the house at
around 7:23. He was right on time. He paid the driver a sizable tip before
grabbing his duffel and crossing the street over to the house.
Ryan was never up before 8am
unless he had to be, and Corey had it on good authority that he didn’t have to
be. Corey pulled up to the door and opened it without any issues. Ryan never
locks anything, not even his own front door.
He stood in the doorway and gazed
over the tattered family room. The walls were peeling and faded, the carpet was
moldy and stained, and the entire room was littered with Denver Broncos and the
ghost of one tight end who was done for the season.
Corey smiled and shook his head.
Nothing had changed, which meant that this would be an easy process. He entered
Ryan’s room, gazing in pity over his sleeping brother. Even the storm that was
coming couldn’t awaken him.
Corey began to walk towards the
Blink-182 poster when he noticed it…something was off. The bottom corner of the
poster had been peeled off. Someone was here first. Moving uch more cautiously,
Corey removed the poster and opened the unlocked safe to retrieve Ryan’s
unlocked laptop. He opened it up and noticed that someone had been here before.
A professional. But, as luck would have it, a professional who missed out on
the real prize.
He took out Ryan’s most valuable
possession: Jordan Howard. Ryan snored almost as if he could sense it in his
sleep. “No matter,” Corey thought, “he doesn’t know what he has in you.”
Finally, with Howard in his possession, Corey reached into his duffel bag and
pulled out the only things that lay within: A Denver Bronco and the ghost of
Matt Forte.
The Robbery Part 2
I’ve been so excited to write this
portion of the rankings. I saved it for last so that I had something to work
for.
You may have gone into this
thinking how I was going to dismantle Corey for his tie and eventual loss to 12th
place Fast Eddie, the lowest scoring team in the league. You may have expected
me to go on and on about how he is nestled safely at 11th, in the
bottom 3rd of the rankings for the 6th consecutive year.
You may have gone in thinking that I’d rip him a new one for his 2-6 start, his
worst through 8 weeks since “Nick’s Team” in 2015.
But, instead, I’m going to talk
about how much damn fun this team is.
ITS SO MUCH FUN
Corey has scored 663 points so
far this season, good for 6th in the league. That may sound average
to many of you, but 6 teams make playoffs…and 2 of them are going solely on
points scored.
Corey has slowly and meticulously
garnered a stable of solid, consistent players who score points. They haven’t
all been able to play at the same time in these bye weeks, but they are there
and they are festering.
What I’m saying is…Corey might
make playoffs, and that really fires me up. I’m not saying that I want him to
win these last 5 games, though. Quite the opposite. I want Corey to lose these
next 5 games, but score about 90 points in each one so that he enters playoffs
as the 2-11 6 seed, putting a huge exclamation point on his first playoff
berth.
Corey??? In the PLAYOFFS!?!?!
Earlier in this blog I brought up
Cinderella teams facetiously. Corey Hewett and The Cheesecake Argument are the
biggest Cinderella candidate that his league has ever seen. They are the darlings
of the league. Every team writes them off as Corey racks up loss after loss all
while he silently scores over 80 points in 5 of his 8 games.
Only 4 other teams have done
that, and those 4 teams are currently ranked 1, 2, 4, and 8. Sean, Myself, Gabe,
and Ryan. Like I said, I would love for Corey to lose these next 5 weeks, but
only if he goes where he has never gone before: Playoffs.
12.) (LW #12) Fast Eddie, 2-6 (76.375 PPG, .108 PPG)
What is 80 points worth? 80
points is generally the average in Fantasy. You’re not happy with it, but it
can be enough to get you a win. Some might call it the floor, but we all know
that the floor is much, much lower.
Eddie has
only put up 80+ points 3 times in 8 weeks. I won’t chock that up to skill or
luck. It’s a bad beat in a worse season. Luckily, like the Black Mamba before
him, Eddie has refused to give up on his season, and presses on. He still stays
active on waivers and by setting lineups (unlike others who have fallen to
similar circumstances in years past CURTIS).
Eddie has
the lowest scoring team in the league. Eddie has the 2nd highest
points against. Eddie’s had it rough. No team that has started 0-5 like Eddie
did has ever made playoffs. In fact, Eddie is the first team since Corey’s
VERSACE VERSACE in 2013 to start 0-5, and he finished in the bottom 2 with a
5-8 record.
He
may be on an upswing by going 2-1 in Weeks 6-8, but so did VERSACE VERSACE.
Only Eddie has the power to change his stars, and beating 11th
ranked Corey last week was a great way to start. Don’t give up Eddie. Don’t
ever give up.
No comments:
Post a Comment