1.) (LW #1) Joe Buck Yourself, 4-0 [109.5 PPG, .252 NPRP]
The man is untouchable. What can you say at this point? He’s
putting up almost 110 points per game, which equates to 13% of the league’s
total points scored. His bench last week outscored 6 teams. And, on top of all
that, he’s the first man in league history to beat both his father AND his
godfather.
Because he's good, Marlon. Unlike your sorry ass.
I spoke with Sean last night and told him my thoughts: That
Ezekiel Elliott better get suspended just to maintain fairness to the league.
With Zeke getting a restraining order, Sean has THREE 1st
Round-caliber running backs in Zeke, Hunt, and Shady.
And WORST of all, Sean plays in the cupcake East, where 7
wins might make playoffs. He basically needs to go .500 in the last 9 weeks of
the season to get a #1 seed in the Playoffs. Talk about Shenanigans.
2.) (LW #2) Bad Juju, 4-0 [92.25 PPG, .219 NPRP]
This week’s piece on
Bad Juju has been written by guest writer Corey Hewett, best known for being at
the bottom of these rankings and his illustrious work on the now-defunct ”Corey’s Corner.”
Editor’s Note: This
piece was written for Week 3, and it was my mistake for not having it out in
time. The post has been left as-is.
So here is the deal folks and I will make this quick.
Immmmmmmmm backkkkkkkkkk
Yes, C-Hew aka I went to a carnival and popped a ballon from
3 feet away (Matt didn't) aka I'm Mr. Meeseeks, look at me aka No Cream/Sugar
in the coffee (can you say the same?) (pause) (hmmmm)
Hey all, I have decided to come back for a guest write up of
William's power ranking.
I thought since Nick is so disrespectful and has no regard
for things called deadlines that I would show William the respect he deserves.
I mean this dude Nick doesn't write a blog last week because
he is producing a show for an "Emmy".
I don't even know what to say so I will just quote an artist
by the name of future:
"I'm like "Why you so excited?" you know what
I'm sayin'
What happened?
Did he win the Grammy(he meant Emmy)? Go(sh) damn
He acting like he f-ing won a trophy?"
I don't care if you are producing a show Nick. Write the
freaking power rankings and show people respect.
So without further ado here the respect William deserves:
Location:
Calabasas, CA
Time: 3:15 PM
Point of Interest:
Starbucks Coffee Shop
It's a cool breezy Thursday afternoon and William Brown
(2012 Champion) decides he in the mood for a short size caramel macchiato.
He jumps in his car and heads on over to a nice little
Starbucks. When he finally approaches the counter the barista asks "what
can I get you today?". William responds "a short caramel macchiato
please". The barista calmly responds and asks "hot or cold".
William without wasting a second says "hot".
The barista rings up his order and before finally completing
the transaction asks William one more question "would you like a single
shot of espresso or do you want to make it......"
Before the barista can even finish her question William
responds "Let's make it a DOUBLE".
Location: Las
Vegas, NV
Time: 9:16 PM
Point of Interest:
Red Rock Casino and Resort
It's a cool breezy Thursday afternoon and William decides he
is in the mood to play a little blackjack.
William heads down to a local casino and sits down at a
quiet $5 minimum BJ table. He plays a few hands and is up a few bucks. The next
hand William decides to up his bet. He is feeling lucky and is ready to make a
run. He is dealt the 8 of hearts and the 3 of spades. The dealer meanwhile has
a 6 of diamonds up card. The dealer takes a deep breath and says to William
"Nice hand, the book says to....."
Before the dealer can even finish her sentence William says
"I am going to DOUBLE down"
If you don't understand this write up yet I will break it
down for you.
Ya boi, William, was just a few short points away from
DOUBLING up his bro in fantasy points.
It wasn't one of those easy doubles people get against me
(80-40).
This double was a whoopin kids.
I mean William had no regard for any human life last week
and just destroyed his brother.
William straight looked at his big bro's fantasy score and
finally decided to himself "yeah I don't need cream and sugar in my coffee
anymore, I am a man now".
This man is a starter and isn't no bench player talking
about "ohhh you should have picked up T. Cohen". Oh how did Cohen do
against Green Bay (6 carries for 24 yards), yeah I sure should have picked him
up. This guy is a champion of this league and deserves respect.
I hope everyone raises a glass tonight to this legend:
William Brown
2012 Captains League Fantasy Football Champion
2016 Marian Lyman Water Volleyball Classic MVP
2018 LMU Valedictorian (Degree in:..........)
Wait, William the legend is getting a degree in marketing.
(Note: Robert Brown is shaking his head in disappointment
right now that his son has chosen this marketing path)
Please disregard everything noted above.
3.) (LW #3) Dak City, 3-1 [89.25 PPG, .179 NPRP]
Another typical team with 3 good receivers. And not your
conventional 3 good receivers, but the beneficiaries and victims of injury. TY
Hilton and AJ Green play without quarterbacks while Chris Hogan maintains
relevancy due to the loss of Julian Edelman.
RIP
I’m still waiting for
Matt to realize that Dak is slightly above average and that every team will
force him to throw because he can’t, but I wouldn’t want to interrupt his pipe
dream. Then we get to his running back situation where he…
Oh…Oh God…is he starting a Giants running back?
Nevermind. Respect the dead while he still stands.
4.) (LW #5) Team Smiths, 3-1 [88 PPG, .177 NPRP]
Dave may be gone from the league, but his spirit lives on.
This team, as with most of Dave’s teams, is a heaping pile of garbage.
Without Tom Brady, this team consists of: the backup running
back on the Browns, the 3rd string running back on the Cardinals, 3
B+ receivers, and a tight end for the Bears.
Where’s the threat? Where’s the stud? How on God’s green
Earth has this roster puked it’s way to a 3-1 record?
Every time there is an injury, this team somehow manages to
pick up the wrong backup and THEY STILL WIN GAMES.
Honestly, I want this team to go 12-1. I want this to be the
best team in the history of the league. I want a series of injuries and
misfortunes to cripple every opponent they face on their way to a Championship
just so we can officially burn this league to the ground as I enter “Duke
Johnson Jr. – RB1” into the Hall of Records.
5.) (LW #6) Need For Snead, 2-2 [92.75 PPG, .160 NPRP]
This week’s piece on
Need For Snead has been written by guest writer William Brown, best known for
“Will Wednesdays.” Will now resides on Nantucket Island with his girlfriend Sophie
and his pet iguana Carlos. He enjoys some eggies in the morning to go with a
nice roast.
Editor’s Note: This
piece was written for Week 3, and it was my mistake for not having it out in
time. The post has posted in it’s original form in order to preserve history,
except where otherwise noted.
Wow… Where to begin? Nicky B
sitting pretty in the middle of the pack, at rank 6 [Editor’s Note: Nick is now up to 5], where I was last time Nick
actually decided to write the rankings. Speaking of last time Nick wrote the
rankings, I would like to quote his section last time I allowed him to utter
the name “Bad Juju” a name he is not worthy to speak on this week. Nick said
“Look at this [3-0 owner who spanked my ass by 70 points]’s team! Name one
running back who’d make you say ‘I’m starting him and I feel great about
it.’” Well well well, you got me there Nicholas I can’t argue wi-… wait a
second… did my two running backs score a combined 44 points? Well that’s a lot
but how many did his sc… oh…just 23 points? From THREE running backs? Ouch.
Look, I could go on all day about
our matchup (final score: 77-146), but I think you guys get it. I just wanna
talk about one player on this man’s team: Willie Snead. Does anyone else
remember the draft? This guy walked up to the draft board, placed his pick, and
strolled back to his seat all while delivering a long form monologue on why he
did it. I didn’t know Aaron Sorkin was a Saints fan! I wasn’t sure if he wanted
to rub in his pickup or justify it to everyone at the table who was thinking
“why?” I was one of those people. I still am one of those people and the “Need
for Snead” is finally off his suspension but now he’s INJURED??? The guys been
on the sideline in a suit for 4 weeks how is he hurt? Did he see how crowded
the offense was and fall out of the barber chair last time he got his hair
dyed? Did he make the mistake of accepting his new team mate Ted Ginn Jr’s
family BBQ invitation, only to have a freshly cooked rib be fumbled off Ginn’s
plate and onto his hamstring? That’s a third degree burn (1. Nick, 2. Snead,
and 3. Teddy Ginn).
Nick, I respect you as a fantasy
owner and a founding member of this great league but if I don’t see this man
have the post suspension, post injury, post terrible haircut comeback of a
lifetime then the roasts will continue.
6.) (LW #10) OJ’s On Parole, 2-2 [89.75 PPG, .155 NPRP]
Gabe has not-so-secretly been one of the most active owners
this season, turning around a team that, until last week, was averaging a mere
76 points per game.
I see you boo
The man not only knows his strengths, but he acknowledges
his weaknesses and there have been whispers of him trying to shop around some
talent in order to better his roster. This, ladies and gentlemen, is how you
manage a team. You don’t drop players on a Tuesday to telegraph your waiver
claims, overpricing your measly talent so that no one will deal with you…you
gauge interest and seek to better both rosters.
I like Gabe’s team, and once Matt is done living in this
fantasy world of his, Gabe is going to catch him come playoffs. Mark my words.
7.) (LW #4) Fantasy Fatale, 2-2 [77.75 PPG, .134 NPRP]
Melinda has officially stormed back from her close Week One
loss to the future champ. Standing at 2-2, she’s in a prime position to begin
her midseason run at playoffs.
Whereas most teams are ticking time bombs that will implode
due to a glaring disparity at management, Melinda has a roster filled with
little gems that will certainly be slept on. Every player on this roster will
get the touches they need to give this team success.
Lindy's team
My only issue with it, however, is the health. Most players
on this roster have been known to be injury-prone (Reed, Ajayi, Montgomery,
etc.). While this team could certainly sneak it’s way to a championship game,
it needs to survive the marathon first.
8.) (LW #7) The Sir Winstons, 1-3 [87.25 PPG, .125 NPRP]
Ryan’s team is a healthy mix of unlucky and unorganized.
After Doug Martin’s triumphant return on Thursday night, Ryan still managed to
start Quiz Rodgers, a move that prompted Will Brown to text me this little gem:
And yet, even with some questionable decisions, this man has
been putting up close to 90 points per game. He’s loaded with rare running back
talent (even though he carries 7 running back on a 16 man roster). His wide
receivers are a little bent out of shape, but he has a few nice lottery tickets
(and by that I mean he has Golden Tate).
Last year Ryan flew out the gates and posted a record-tying
11-2 regular season, so we know the talent is there…I just he turns it around
before he falls into the territory of the other Hewett.
9.) (LW #8) Strictly Bangers, 1-3 [80.75 PPG, .116 NPRP]
Mr. Former Champ should be ecstatic this week. Not because
his team won a game to avoid the dreaded 0-4 record, but because I was too darn
busy to unleash some heat on his 12th place ranking.
But now he’s won a game and bumped himself up to #8 with a
nice 81.67 PPG…but I’m still going to give him what was coming.
They say you’ll never know how to react until it happens to
you.
Gregor the Grizzly was seating upright in the driver’s seat
of his Jeep Rubicon. The morning sun was swallowed by the shroud of jet black
paint around the exterior, leaving only a sliver of daylight to rest inside the
cabin, met by the gaze of a 6’4” bear in a grey suit.
Catholic radio played through the crisp Bose speakers,
allowing Gregor to hear every crack in the outraged host’s voice. The topic of
the day was the gays, or home schooling, or something else that makes a host on
Catholic radio mad. Maybe it was even about Colin Kaepernick.
But despite the vitriol being spewed through the speakers, Gregor
the Grizzly was beaming. His pearly whites reflected the “Change Oil” light
that had been illuminated since early July. Despite the hatred in the world
around him, he was a happy bear.
This was because Gregor was king of the woods.
He had a wonderful job, which involved cooperating with the
federal government as a board member under the National Park Service Organic
Act. He also had a wonderful family at home: 4 strong cubs and a beautiful wife
with a pension for consuming wild berries around the forest.
But life wasn’t always grand.
You see, I sent Gregor’s family a link to the blog.
Gregor returned home one day to see his children around the
family computer, rolling with laughter.
“THIS is the guy?” said Babar.
“What guy?” responded Gregor.
“The ‘terrifying’ human who chased you?” replied Vlad.
Gregor’s eyes widened. He used to warn his children about
the dangers of humans. When he was just a cub, a massive human entered his
territory and chased him in a horrifying game of life and death. They nicknamed
him “The Bruin” for his size, speed, and absence of fear. The Bruin haunted
Gregor to this very day.
“There’s no way you let this human scare you, right Gregor?”
asked his wife.
Gregor peered at the screen to see the aging encapsulation
of his fear staring back at him.
“That’s him, alright.”
“You said he was 6’4” and could lift a truck!” said Babar.
“And you said he could run 40 yards in 4 seconds!” noted
Vlad.
“He could!” responded Gregor, defensively. “He chased me
around the camp while his friends laughed.”
“And they took pictures, right?”
“Well, no, you see…it wasn’t that big a deal back then…what,
with devolution and all…”
“But dad, you could have just mauled him if he was giving
chase? What was he going to do?”
“Well he was just so fast that…”
“You realize that no one broke 4.3 before 2006? That means
he was .1 second of world record pace almost 30 years in advance?”
“Did he run a 4.6? There’s no shame in that…that’s the ideal
40-time for linebackers in today’s NFL…and hitting that time as a high schooler
is really admirable.”
“No…NO!” shouted Gregor, feling the weight of his lies
crushing him. “He was everything I said he was and more!”
“But…” the room was silent as Vlad chimed in… “But did he
pick up Tarik Cohen off waivers?”
10.) (LW #9) The Rookie, 1-3 [79.75 PPG, .115 NPRP]
Tim got his first win!!!
It took the rook a week, but he found his range with a nice
109-point outing. And, while we’re still discussing good news: Tim already has
a better understanding of the waiver wire than Eddie does!
Sure, 79 points per game isn’t exactly ideal, but it’s early
and I trust that Tim will make the necessary moves to avoid the League’s pit of
despair.
I actually have Tim in our Game of the Week, where he
squares off with #11 Corey Hewett in what should be a contested game. Whereas
Corey’s Murray-O Brothers will trounce Tim’s RBs, Corey also starts the week
with a goose egg at the tight end position.
I’d like to wish the Rookie the best of luck this weekend.
This would be a fun little win to add to his collection.
11.) (LW #10) The Cheesecake Argument, 1-3 [71.75 PPG, .103 NPRP]
Here we find Corey in his natural habitat. I’d like to thank
Corey for writing that magnificent piece on Will above. As of this writing, I
have not received it yet, but Corey did alert me that he was going to take a
few shots at me.
Strange, since it’s Will’s team that he’s ranking, but it’s par
for the course.
Since Corey is doing me a favor by writing a portion of the
blog for me, I’ll keep his roast short. Real short.
In fact, I’ll leave you with one simple statistic:
Corey Hewett has NEVER had a higher ranking than me during
the regular season over the ENTIRE course of this league’s history. That is 64
straight weeks.
12.) (LW #12) Fast Eddie, 0-4 [69.5, .080 NPRP]
Eddie has officially been ranked dead last for the second
week in a row, averaging under 70 points per game. In fact, Eddie has been
scoring fewer and fewer points as the year goes on.
And, while I would love to talk all this smack about how he
doesn’t know who to start, and how he overvalues his players in trades, and how
I’m going to make him eat his words this weekend…we really need to make some
sort of revenue here.
Sorry, Eddie, but this team isn’t worth a roast this week.
Enjoy the ad revenue:
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