What’s your favorite movie? Favorite book? Memory?
What’s the song you put on when you've had a long day? The one that helps you to escape for a a few minutes?
I've been reflecting a lot about the role this league and this activity plays in my life. In our lives.It's a silly, unimportant thing. A ritual almost designed to torment us week after week by giving us something we have zero control over but (for some reason) so much emotional stake in. When we lose, it hurts. That's real. It stinks knowing that you've wasted time or made a bad decision as if we have insider information that we're playing with.
But when we win?
It's cathartic, isn't it? You walk a little taller. You get to talk your shit. You get to go into the week with your head held high.
But it's just a temporary escape.
There’s a lot going on right now. We all have our personal toils. We have loved ones going through things. We work for increasingly soul-sucking corporations bending knees to the worst people you can imagine that you’re forced to see because we live in the age of the 24-hour news cycle. It’s a lot.
We started this thing in 2012, which was a bit of a turning point for the family without us really realizing. We were all set to leave our proverbial nests. Eight of us were able to gather in the same room for 3+ hours (I did not take the draft clock seriously back then) and draft. Things were simpler but the entire idea was to give us a collective escape as we navigated through changes.Those changes don't stop. The world doesn't stop.
Since 2012 we've expanded across state lines, we've settled new roots, we've started new families. But the escape is still the same. It brings us back to one room, gathered around 2 TVs, a laptop or two open to streaming sites, and iPads pulled up to the League scoreboard.
I'm thankful for these memories. I'm thankful for the place this League holds in my heart. I'm thankful for the new members and the ones who have left and returned and the ones who have been around since the first season.
But mostly? I'm thankful that I have an outlet to talk shit to you numbskulls.
Welcome to the Power Rankings. This was written over a series of long nights over however many weeks. You may be asking how these scores are calculated.
Don't worry about it. I've pulled from various sources and boiled that date down into the Sproles Predictive Aggregate Ranking Kappa, or SPARK. I’ve also included Football Guys’ little blurb about each teams’ odds of making playoffs so you can feel good or bad about a completely made up percentage.
There are far, far fewer gifs this year. I just ran out of time. I still hope you enjoy it.
Zero AI was used for this write up because it's inherently evil and it's ruining the Earth.
1.) Weston's Wonderful Team (98 SPARK, 69% chance of Playoffs)
As I mentioned in our Rules Summit survey, Weston has had one Fantasy Football team. Last year was his first time participating in any league where he dubbed his team “The Wizards” and made a strong push into the Playoffs.
Life was good.
But what I failed to mention (because I failed to grasp the extent of it) was that Weston is a seasoned veteran of fantasy. The man has racked up more campaigns in Dungeons and Dragons than Patton in Europe (and Africa, the bastard). He has built deck after deck in Magic The Gathering. He is all-too familiar with a cursed sunrise peeking through blinds as you stare at a computer monitor on hour 12 of a video game session.
Fox News wants you to believe that these games drive you to devil worship and that’s not true. They lead you to a different kind of dark energy.
Weston knows fantasy and, in that, I fear that he has learned the dark arts. He has learned to bewitch his peers and it’s evident that he did so on draft night.
The #1 overall pick (as chosen by MY daughter)? Brock Bowers in the 3rd? In a league chock-full of alleged Raider fans? And, the biggest tell in my opinion, a warlock at QB?
The signs are all there. Fortunately, the signs are also there that he’s not unstoppable. For instance, he has yet to learn that you don’t need 2 QBs and 2 TEs (even if the recent Brock Bowers news proved the latter to be a smart move).
Speaking of which, the AJ Brown news has also proven the tradeoff to Weston’s black magic: He can manipulate us and get good players whenever he wants but they will seemingly be hurt at every turn.
Will the tradeoff work out for him? I guess we’ll have to wait and see…
2.) Strictly Bangers Football Club (97.8 SPARK, 61% chance of Playoffs)
“Readers are leaders.”
If I were to boil down the Brown family upbringing to one maxim, that’s it. “Readers are leaders.” It’s been said on birthdays, on odd weekdays, on Christmases… Sometimes it’s encouraging like a pat on the back when you finish your first book as a child or ace an English test. Sometimes it’s a little backhanded like when you mistake “loose” with “lose.” Sometimes it’s more broad as if to say “learning is important and sometimes you’ll be wrong about something but that’s OK because there are learning opportunities in being wrong.”
This is a relatable feeling.
Bob Brown has a lot of good in his life. He’s a blessed man. He’s got a great job with (seemingly) flexible hours. He has a home he loves filled with books he loves and all the canvases he can paint. He has a college degree in Rhetoric from one of the finest universities in the world. He has 4 strong (Editor’s note: Not the adjective I’d use) children, a beautiful grandchild, a dumb dog, and a beautiful wife.
His life is clearly filled with love and, as an extent of that, there is passion all around him. His sons are passionate about bad sports teams. His daughter is passionate about screentime. His granddaughter is passionate about bananas. And his wife? Well, she’s passionate about Spelling Bees of all things.
Bob and Lindy have been married for almost 40 years. He’s heard a LOT about spelling bees. He’s gotten out of attending them, but at any given time you can find 3 dictionaries in his home. In his paradise.
And yet…He’s never opened one to look at the Scottish pronunciation of Shough. As in TYLER Shough.
Readers are leaders, Bob.
But hey, at least he put that Rhetoric degree to good use with the age old “You’re wrong and I have nothing to prove it” defense.
Readers are leaders. So let’s read this roster as simply as possible:
If everything goes right? This team has the highest ceiling. It could be blowout after blowout for Mr. Brown as he marches towards a Championship. Puka is a magnet who can have the best year of his career. Kenneth Walker, with the right scheme and more touches, could be the top fantasy running back at the end of the season. Malik Nabers is an ascending superstar looking for that next step.
But things go wrong sometimes and there are learning opportunities in that.
Puka might get suspended for biting a woman. Kenneth Walker might get hurt (as he has before). Malik Nabers doesn’t know if he’s playing on Sunday after a horrific knee injury that resulted in multiple surgeries and cleanup procedures. And from there? You’re looking at 3 guys splitting backfields and 2 backup receivers on bad passing offenses.
I can see why Bob is ranked so high. This is preseason and anything is possible.
But sometimes you have to read a little deeper and see where mistakes were made before telling everyone that they weren’t.
3.) Bijan Wick (95.5 SPARK, 55% Chance of Playoffs)
Before the draft even starts I have a little something typed up for the champ. In September of 2019, just a week before my wedding, Sean stopped me to give me a piece of life advice:
“Draft running backs early and often.”
I still have yet to take this advice but you have to commend the man for living by his own truth. Bijan? Simple. Easy. The right pick that fell to him. Omarion Hampton? Good value. High upside. A classic Sean pick (insofar as taking a guy on a team he allegedly hates). Javonte Williams? A little overkill. A bit dragon-esque insofar as hoarding a commodity. Dare I say annoying?
Sean’s running backs look like the Ferrari paddock at an F1 event. Looks and reputation-wise it’s in a class all its own.
But his wide receiver room? It looks like the tunnels underneath the Strip where thousands of unhoused individuals go to escape the heat.
Davante Adams? Pretty good. Always been a fan and not the worst guy to be your 1 all things considered. Terry McLaurin? A worse version of the same thing. Who knows how that offense will fare but love the confidence in an aging vertical threat when the QB has less than a second to throw. Alec Pierce? White bread. A torn up little piece of white bread. White bread that was born with knees and eviscerated those knees to a degree where medical professionals say “I don’t know, man. This isn’t supposed to look like this.”
But don’t worry! He has Kyle Pitts.
In closing, I applaud Sean for two things: Standing up for his principles and changing his team name without anyone saying a word.
4.) My Kids in Dagestan (95 SPARK, 51% Chance of Playoffs)
It’s 2034. Corey Hewett wakes up to find a glass of green juice on his bedside table as the automatic blinds open on a mountain view just before the sun rises.
Before he can slip on his Gucci slides, Volcano by Drake begins to play. It won’t come out for another few weeks but with his connections Corey was able to get a copy before it releases to middling reviews as bots drive up its numbers on the charts.
He finishes the juice and sits at his weight rack for his morning ritual.
“Computer, recap the movement on the Asian markets, please,” he says before pulling 30 easy, clean reps at 250 pounds. “Certainly, sir,” the computer responds, rattling off percentages and prices, diving into analytics that most people would need printed to even process. Not Corey, though. He continues his workout with steady breaths and a complete, unrivaled understanding of the data dump presented to him.
When he finishes, he checks his pulse. Not a beat above what he projected. Flipping his wrist over, he sees that he is exactly on pace to get to work on time. Perfect. Absolutely flawless execution.
After getting dressed, Corey walks down the hallway towards the elevator. All across the right wall are signed pictures, news articles, letters from a whose who of fans and admirers. After Corey started his own firm all of the hard work had proven to be worth it. The long hours and the trips and the faceless clients had built a skillset that allowed him to compete and when he competes, he wins.
Most of the time, that is.
The left wall was bare. Not a single frame or post or light save for one, lofted above a tall glass cabinet.
Corey didn’t look at the cabinet. It was there to test him. It was there to mock him.
The cabinet, to an outside observer, looked like an expensive placeholder. A mahogany and glass warchest filled with dust and stale air. Each shelf therein had a custom silver badge detailing what it was for: “First Clippers Championship,” “Apology letter from Kawhi Leonard,” etc. But at the top, directly under that lone light, was the largest badge on the highest shelf:
“Captain’s League Trophy”
Corey walked past it. He’d never admit it but the cabinet gave him chills every time he had to pass it. He needed that to perform.
And he’d need it today, especially. Today was the day that he met with Steve Ballmer. But he couldn’t think about it yet. One decision at a time.
Corey took the elevator down to his garage: A modest 8-car roundhouse with a private exit that could have him on the 405 in less than 60 seconds.
“Computer, show me the Lamborghinis,” he said, buttoning his cuff as 3 super cars cruised into his view: One electric blue Diabo with the license plate “AMON-RA,” one silver Countach with the license plate “CEEDEEZ,” and one Mercialago in Kelly green sporting a “TILTING” plate.
“Let’s but ol’ Steve on tilt,” he said, hopping into the 3rd option as the others wheel back into their bays. Before he could say “Versace,” he was off. Hitting 80, 90, 110 on the freeway as the sun rose off out his driver side window.
“You’re going to be early,” a vaguely robotic but definitely female voice said through the car’s speakers. “I’m always early, Courtney,” Corey replied.
“You know I hate when you call me ‘Computer,’” Courtney says, getting a dry smile out of Corey. “Do you want to stop and grab some food? You have about 20 minutes to kill before security will even be there to open the doors.
“Sure. Where can I get a smoothie around here?”
“Take this next right and turn left on Rosita. Should be a place on your right in a half-mile.”
Corey seamlessly rips the car off the interstate and follows Courtney’s directions.
“Shit,” he says, the smile he had built disappearing.
“What’s the matter?” Courtney replies, “no good?”
“It’s just- No, it’s fine. Just haven’t been to one of these in awhile,” Corey answers as he pulls into the parking lot…
“Good morning! Welcome to Tropical Smoothie,” the high schooler behind the counter says, “would you like to try one of our fully loaded nachos?”
“No,” Corey answers swiftly, almost cutting off the energy at its source. “I’ll just take a…Avocolada.”
“Like Tom Brady,” the employee says to no response. “We’ll have that right out for you.”
Corey sits at the bar and checks his watch, an old Rolex given to him by Blake Griffin for his loyalty. This one always made him smile. Even on the wors-
Then he felt it.
Out of nowhere, his stomach began to strain and ache. It tied itself into knots and brought forth an unrelenting, unceasing, unimaginable pain. Corey gripped his hands and immediately felt the sweat on his palms.
“It has to be the green juice,” he thought. “Those avocados are from Venezuela. There’s no way they were check for quality.”
Corey raced to the bathroom, yanking on the door handle just to find it locked.
“Oh, the code is 12473,” the employee shouts between blasts of the blender. “But I haven’t had a chance to-“
Corey blasts open the door, racing to a stall in the dark as fast as he can and dry heaving until he can finally rid himself of the poisonous rot festering deep in his gut. When he finally finished, he stumbled back to the door, searching for the light switch so he could wash his hands.
The walls were…slimy. Mucky. In fact, the room had an air about it that felt like a prison. Maybe it was in his mind, a mixture of the substance in his belly and the nerves and the dark but he could swear that this was what Hell was like. The gunk on the walls stuck to his hands. The slop on the floor stuck to his shoes. The toxic fumes in the air stung his lungs. It wasn’t solid but it existed in a physical way. What could it be? If only he could find the-
He flipped on the lights and looked at his hands.
TRASH. This roster is VILE GARBAGE. Bucky Irving? Are you serious? Was Jordan Howard not available? Jacquizz Rodgers busy?
Oh Corey I’m so sorry. As if you’re not dealing with enough in the basketball space you have to sit down on Sundays and say “Gee I hope Rico Dowdle plays well today!”
They say there are 7 deadly sins but there are 4 guys you don’t draft and they are all your running backs: Guys who can’t catch, guys who can’t block, guys who can’t see, and guys who are named RICO.
I’m heartbroken. Like yes, clearly I’m ranked below this but I’m excited to see if Bill can put it together this year. Can you say the same?
I hope the Rams win it all this year for you. Week 1 in Australia was a fluke and I think they’ll bounce back but unless a nice waiver option emerges or you work out a trade I fear this might be a rough year for you.
5.) Bandz Emeka Dance (94.5 SPARK, 51% Chance of Playoffs)
What can you even say about Gabe’s team?
Well, the tight ends are old as shit.
6.) Fast Eddie (94.33 SPARK, 56% Chance of Playoffs)
I have a confession to make. But let’s step back for a minute.
Life looks pretty different for me nowadays with a one-year old. I wake up earlier. I’m occupied and focused every waking moment until she goes down for bed around 7:30 or 8pm. This is all to say that I don’t have the time I used to to do mock drafts.
So the night before our draft I hopped into one. It was a last-minute decision but I thought it would be a nice way to shake the cobwebs out and put my mind at ease before the real thing the next morning.
I get put into the draft, grab my notes, and I crack open a beer. When I finally get back to my laptop I go to change my team name when I see it…
Eddie’s Easy Picks
Could…Could I be in the same mock draft as Eddie?
I check my notes: Eddie is 10th on the board.
I check my laptop: Eddie’s Easy Picks is 10th on the board.
OK but what if it’s just a coincidence? What if it’s some other guy named Eddie? Heck, what if it’s a fake name?
I decide to shake it off and focus on my draft but the thought lingers in my mind. I mean, how couldn’t it? This could be a Belicheckian level of espionage laid directly into my lap.
Eddie’s Easy Picks gets his turn. He sits on it for a second. Whoever he is, he’s not autodrafting. As a few more seconds pass, it becomes apparent that this person is consulting notes just like I am. Then, they make their pick.
James Cook III.
I look at my own notes. Sharps are huge on Cook. His new Head Coach was the same OC that led to his highest usage and a rushing TD title. He’s not a “sexy” name but it’s a smart pick. It’s an Eddie pick. Curious.
I take Kenneth Walker III and Ceedee Lamb at the turn and stare as the pick rolls back to 10. When it does, I’m met with the same pause. The same artificial signs of thought. Then: Derrick Henry.
As the league’s premiere Derrick Henry owner, I can tell you that he always goes off against Eddie. It’s like clockwork. That kind of exposure leads to bias which would clearly lead to Eddie taking him.
Do I sound crazy? I felt crazy. I sat back on my coach, sipping my beer and peeling off the label little by little trying to place these pieces together. The elements were all there but they needed something…sticky. Something that would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was Fast Eddie.
Then, with his 3rd pick, Eddie’s Easy Picks took Josh Allen.
“Oh my God it’s Eddie,” I said aloud, causing Christa to look at me how she often looks at me: Like a shell of myself who lost touch with reality 6 years ago. “It’s him,” I continued despite a complete lack of encouragement, “but what do I even do with this?”
I flipped back to my notes, adding a tab named “EDDIE PICKS” and jotting down his first 3 picks.
My mind began to race. I completely phoned in my own mock trying to formulate my play. I couldn’t completely tank the mock and risk losing valuable intel, but I needed to do something. Something that could throw him off in the real draft.
I kept flipping through my own notes looking for answers until I found it. Right before the EDDIE PICKS tab was my favorite section of my notes: My sleepers.
I scrolled through the names, knowing that if my plan were to work that I’d need the right name.
Blake Corum? Too boring.
Jordyn Tyson? Too hurt.
Then, I saw him. The last name added to the list. The one with a note that said “Round 10 at the earliest. Eddie/Bob will want.”
So, with my 8th pick I laid my trap. I took De’Zhaun Stribling.
I stared as Eddie’s 9th pick rolled around. He lingered longer than usual. He had been blindsided. I smiled and took the top player available the rest of the way, making note of Eddie’s late favorites (Big fan of Lane but he doesn’t work with my own Zay Flowers pick).
Then, on draft day, I had to hold back my grin after Eddie ended his reach for Stribling with “He went in the 8th in my mock draft last night.”
It was the perfect crime. Eddie went through his first 3 rounds exactly as he had imagined it and then threw away the receiver position because he thought he was getting a league winner 2-3 rounds before he was actually supposed to go. His receivers are a 29 year old DJ Moore 3 years removed from his only top-12 season, Rome “???” Odunze who is already hurt, Parker “One Good Season” Washington, De’Zhaun “The Trap” Stribling, Wandale “PPR Merchant in a .5 PPR League” Robinson, the aforementioned Ja’Kobi Lane, and Adonai “I play for the Jets” Mitchell.
Is it over for Eddie? No. Not even close. He can pick up wide receivers or even make his first trade if he wants. But this may be my least favorite draft of his.
You’re welcome.
7.) Ball Quaeda (94 SPARK, 52% Chance of Playoffs)
I find it funny that Will is the only person to draft in the first 4 picks who didn’t wind up with a top ranking. It’s almost like these rankings are based off of made up predictions and have no value other than the little bit of joy you gain from reading them.
Oh well.
Will made some interesting choices in his draft. Through 5 rounds he had one of the top teams on the board. Two top receivers on passing offenses. A tight end coming off a career year. Two of his favorite running backs…and then it happened.
Jimmy Twining sniped Jameson Williams.
I’ve seen Will shook before. Usually it’s on his popular stream on Twitch.tv but occasionally he gets shook when having to attend a standard family function. This, though, was the most shook he’s ever been. He was rattled to the core. And I think he fell apart from there.
Courtland Sutton? I had Courtland Sutton last season and I would have done anything to avoid him this year. Bo Nix? If I needed a slice of white bread I’d ask Sean. A kicker in the 12th?
I guess bro.
Will is never out of it when it comes to Fantasy Football and, if anything, he’s most dangerous starting from the back of the rankings. But in order to do what he does best, he’s going to have to snap out of thi- Oh no.
It’s over. Pack it up.
8.) Action Jaxon (92 SPARK, 42% Chance of Playoffs)
Jimmy was very kind to bring the trophy with him to meet us at the beach. He was so kind by drafting a roster that could result in us having to ship the trophy back up North.
We all know that Jimmy is going to overdraft is Seahawks. It’s inevitable. If there is a Seahawk on the board expected to go within 15 picks of Jimmy’s spot he will take them. It’s almost bullying the way we can manipulate the market to make sure he reaches on a guy that we all know he likes.
And yet, this league is too soft to punish him for it.
If you knew that the person drafting after you was going to take a running back, wouldn’t you want to hurt the value of RBs before it got to him? If you knew that he’d want a defense way earlier than they should go, wouldn’t you let him waste a pick by taking someone with actual substance?
That’s Jimmy. We know Zach Charbonnet is going to either him or Eddie. We know the Seahawks defense will be taken 20+ picks too early because he’s going to do anything to get his guy. We know this and we still let him do it.
Granted, Jimmy had the perfect spot to take his beloved Emerald City Route Artist in the first round. It was ordained. But from Rounds 4 through 8 Jimmy took and took and took with no repercussions. He was able to pair a criminal RB2 with a criminal case of CTE in Cam Skattebo (for free) because Lindy mistakenly thought that the whitest running back of the 21st Century was named “Quinshon Judkins.”
Jimmy was able to get Sam Laporta for free because some of you thought Dallas Goedert and Kyle Pitts were worth higher picks.
He was able to pair Justin Herbert with Ladd McConkey because you people valued Jaxson Dart and Caleb Williams higher.
He’s getting free points round after round (before absolutely tanking rounds 9-16).
Personally? I hope the bottom falls out on this team and Jimmy misses the Playoffs so I don’t have to engineer a contraction to keep the trophy safe on it’s way back to Spokane. But Jimmy has the track record and the luck that says this team will compete no matter where he’s ranked by FantasyGuys.com
9.) Wait and Pray (91 SPARK, 41% Chance of Playoffs)
I went into this thinking I was going to tear into Tim’s team. I kind of saved it so I’d be warmed up and have some fresh, scathing reviews filled with jokes about the Draft Day audio issues but…Tim did pretty well by my calculation.
In our first 12-team draft in years, Tim walked away with his favorite RB, a young superstar as an RB2, two of my absolute favorite undervalued WRs, and a TE who can legitimately push into TE1 territory this year. On top of that, he snagged Trevor Lawrence to end a MASSIVE QB run where I feel Trevor has the highest ceiling.
Did he go late into the draft just grabbing recognizable names not realizing that Rashaad White and Isiah Pacheco are in way worse spots? Sure. Did he draft the wrong 49ers backup and a wide receiver who has yet to be cleared for play? Undoubtedly. His bench looks like a WW2 hospital but that’s going to happen in a deeper league.
Tim’s team should be viewed much closer to Weston’s. Both took arguably the right guy at each draft slot (I would have taken Kenneth Walker over Love but Catholics overvalue the Irish). His ceiling is almost as high as Bobby B’s while the floor is about the same.
If I were a betting man, I’d argue that Tim makes playoffs. Let’s just hope that he can hear the cheers if and when he does.
10.) Maye Flowers (90.25 SPARK, 41% Chance of Playoffs)
Oh no. OH no. What have you done you buffoon? Are you happy? You look forward to this and then roast everyone and THIS is how your own team turned out are you kidding me?
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Why did you take a tight end AND an quarterback early? What was your thought process there?
Are you happy with yourself? You have a child to care for and you spent how many hours reading and studying for THIS result? You didn’t study this month for your AP tests and they turned out just as well.
YOUR SECOND RUNNING BACK IS 3-way tie between guys who can’t win the lead roles in bad backfields. What were you thinking?
And Drake Maye? Did you see him on Wednesday? I know the Seahawks defense is good but be real. They call him The Schedule for a reason and he just lost his top target for at LEAST 4 weeks.
It’s not my best work. I know it. You know it. I got home from the draft just absolutely defeated and I didn’t know if that was because of the burden of familial gatherings or if it was drafting at the 12 spot but it was definitely drafting at the 12 spot.
But fear not. Lily chose me to have that spot for a reason and, win or lose, I will find that reason.
11.) THE REPLACEMENTS (89.67 SPARK, 41% Chance of Playoffs)
I could roast Lindy but I don’t feel good about if after she left draft day thinking that she had lost her 1st round pick for the year. So I’m going to do things differently this year. I’m going to be nice.
Lindy, I love your wide receivers. I think it’s really cool that you took two guys who have Subway employees at quarterback. You got great value and I hope that an injured Cooper Rush and 2025 Interception leader Geno Smith feed those guys. They’ll be losing a LOT so I wouldn’t be surprised if both guys get 150+ targets (but who knows how many will be catchable). Both are immense talents that I want to succeed despite their baggage.
I see that you paired them with 2 running backs on God-forsaken teams. Neat! I know you meant to take Cam Skattebo when you grabbed Quinshon Judkins but that’s OK! You get to pair him with the Browns’ top tight end in Harold Fannin and the Browns’ top receiver in KC Concepcion. You should be getting a letter in the mail shortly from Cleveland (the clinic, not the city) asking if you’re OK owning that many members of the Browns and if you need help but you can ignore that.
Marshawn Lloyd should be a pretty serendipitous prize for you, too! (I think. He has 7 total touches in his 2-year NFL career). But it’s nice to have him as a flex.
I know you haven’t opened the app since the draft but please do because Jonah Coleman was named RB3 on his own offense (I thought he’d be higher when I offered to trade for him) and I don’t know that Bigsby will get meaningful work unless Saquon is hurt but who know anything? Live your truth and go get some wins.
12.) Touchdown Draft Ballers (88 SPARK, 28% Chance of Playoffs)
It’s a little poetic that this year’s Preseason Power Rankings are bookended by the two newest teams.
And, if we’re being honest? I think that’s my own fault.
I mentioned at the top that Weston has one year of experience playing Fantasy Football. He made playoffs that year. What I left out, though, was that I gave him my personal draft rankings for that first season.
While I didn’t do that ahead of the Captain’s League draft, it gave Weston some insight into what rankings looked like and where to source them from and gave him some experience physically drafting.
Ben had none of that.
Ben didn’t have my rankings or the ESPN Top 300 rankings we hear too much about on Draft Day. We’ve taken so many of these things for granted because we’re used to them by now but this is Ben’s first draft. To this day I don’t know what information he had or didn’t have and who knows what is even audible over Zoom.
What I’m saying is: Give him some grace for this last-place ranking.
It’s bleak, don’t get me wrong. Ben was slotted as a distant 12 across all of my sources, with the most lenient one giving him a 44% chance at Playoffs if he aces every waiver pickup between now and Thanksgiving. I can only remember one team with odds this bad…
It’s August of 2013. I was a recent college graduate without a full-time job living back in my parents’ house. Do you remember 2013?
Life was different back then. Social media was fun and not quite as weaponized. We still talked to neighbors. We were all more naïve and less cynical. This league was entering it’s second year and we hadn’t yet realized that it was the thing that brought us all together.
Remember how I mentioned that I didn’t have a full-time job back then? Well we had 65 entries into the blog that season. I did my Power Rankings weekly, Sean made picks every week, Will (Wizard) Wedneday, Corey’s Corner, and Lindy’s Latte were the first columns that got me to read columns…
It plays out like a movie in my head. But, like any great story or memory, it needed an inciting action.
It needed Darren Sproles.
Dave Smith took Darren Sproles in the 1st Round of the 2013 Captain’s League Draft.
There were groans. There was laughter. If you go on Pro Football Reference and search the 2013 New Orleans Saints, it lists Pierre Thomas as the starter at running back for the Saints. The Saints also had former Alabama standout Mark Ingram backing Thomas up with Darren Sproles filling in for passing down duties (Editor’s Note: This was all known heading into the season. No mysteries here).
It was like taking a kicker early. It was like Jack Strand as your QB. It was like if Bobby B stubbornly sat by his selection of Chris Brooks instead of Jonathan Brooks…except that there was no one else with the same last name and it was in the FIRST ROUND.
It was preposterous. It was hilarious. It resulted in Dave naming his team “Rank This” just for me to Rank Him dead fucking last.
But Fantasy is way, way, way funnier than reality. Because Dave Smith won it all that year.
Darren Sproles didn’t do anything but guys popped that weren’t supposed to pop. Players who were expected to do well had career seasons. Drew Brees had 5100 yards and damn near 40 TDs through the air.
No one knows what will happen. If they did, this wouldn’t be fun.
This could be the first winless team (I doubt it) but it can also go undefeated. Dallas Goedert could have 20 TDs. Jaxson Dart might run for 800 yards and sling it like Y.A. Tittle. We don’t know. And I’m just excited to find out.
