Nick's Note: Sean wrote these following Week 4 as I was going back to work. They've sat in drafts for 2 weeks and are too good not to post. Ranking order is based off where everyone was following Week 4, but I've updated records/points forced to where they currently stand. Everything you read from this point on was written by Sean or Will. Please enjoy.
Well, well, well Y’all didn't think I'd take two fucking years off in a row did you?
I get it. I phoned it in last year. I auto-drafted and never set a lineup
(until someone complained, but more on that later). I shit the bed last year.
My bad. So who am I to put out a power rankings when I’m the only
undefeated team? No one really. I don’t want to do this. But as our
commish is pretending he’s busy with a new baby (really dude she’s at that
eat/sleep/repeat stage) and our interim commish is busy playing video
games (would it kill ya to spend an hour a week doing this?) SOMEONE
has to put out rankings. Now this is going to be a bit different from what
Nick does. See, he has these fancy formulas and records of The Captain’s
League to fall back on. I’m going off this year’s ESPN stats only. This post
will also contain more R rated language than normal (Mom, time to stop
reading now).
Any italicized comments from now on were added by one of the commissioners.
Also, any GIFs were not my doing. The last thing I want to say is this is
meant in good fun and I can take any trash talk coming back my way. Slainte!
#7 (Tied) Trips onya B 2-4 589.16 PF
Well going WR with the first five picks was a new one in The Captain’s League.
How’s that working out Chip? Maybe time to go back to the “Started” team
name? ‘Cause you are at the bottom.
Editors Note: After week 1 I thought Corey was a genius for drafting 5 WRs
in a row and ending up with RB1 Javonte Williams and a serviceable Aaron
Jones as his RB room. Unfortunately Burrow is Hurt, Jones is dead, Herbert
forgot that Ladd Mckonkey is on his team. It might be over… Time will tell…
#7 (Tied) Wait and Pray 3-3 625.16 PF
Oh man, I hate to bash my own Godfather. But seriously Timmy, from
the bottom of my heart, STOP DRAFTING 49ERS! Yeah CMC was a no-brainer
and I’m guilty of fan-boy status also (Good bye Jack Bech) but as a life long
Raiders fan, I know a dumpster fire when I see one. But seriously, how did you
give Eddie his first W of the year? Step up and show me something Don Coreone (sic).
#7 (Tied) Fast Eddie 2-4 629.98 PF
Bullshit. Absolute bullshit. I change my team name the first couple years
and then stick with the one that got me my first championship. This guy hasn’t
changed his team name since joining. But is he getting pressure to change his
name? Where are the outcrys (sic) over Fast Eddie? Not from me because I
wanted to keep my team name. Anyway, congrats on your first W. Don’t quit
on us or someone might complain to the commish to have your roster set for
you but only at a time it's convenient for them.
Editors Note: Eddie I like your team but PLEASE start Etienne man hes been
a top 10 rb and the jaguars look like a whole new beast. PLEASE.
#7 (Tied) Strictly Bangers 1-5 673 PF
Spousal abuse. My Dad got beat down by my Mom. IDK maybe he
likes that sort of thing. There didn’t seem to be any hard feelings in the
Brown house on Sunday. But since I’m playing Bobby B this week, and
fantasy karma is real, I can’t lay it on too heavy. Fuck it, I’m crossing that
line. 34-0? To San Diego State? Didn’t Dave go to SDSU? Maybe you
should have drafted Sproles with the first pick. And ANOTHER team that
doesn’t get shit for not changing their name! If I hadn’t taken a sponsorship
I’d go back to Joe Buck Yourself today.
Editors Note: In other news Jaydon Blue won the “Most Improved” superlative
on the Cowboys Practice Squad after a TOUGH 4 yard run between the
5th string tackles.
#4 (Tied) Mama’s Homemade Salsa 2-3 586.84 PF
This fucking guy. Let me be clear. He didn’t have a baby. Christa had a
baby. He’s milking every last bit of paternity leave he can get. OK, maybe a
little unfair cause I’ve never been there/done that. But if there were moms in
this league I’m sure I’d get the feminist vote. Also, my two favorite pictures
are the first time I held Lily and when I knew she was a Brown when she flipped
the bird to the camera. So yeah. Nick’s a Dad. And probably not going to win
this year. Sorry Pops
Editors Note: Nick has lost Ceedee Lamb while both Chase Brown and King
Henry have lost their QBs and somehow his team doesnt look terrible quite
yet. He has demercado and Jordan Mason who are both getting starts?
This might go down as the best draft in league history.
#4 (Tied) Are you kittling me AKA Puke Nukem 3-3 639.6
I don’t even know where to go with Gabe’s team. Except on a personal
note. Fuck Dave Montgomery, Stop stealing touches from Gibbs. Ok, I got that
out. Oh you little shit! You changed your team name as I was writing this.
Some of us stand by our names! Some with less allegiance change their
names mid-season. And some take a buy out… oops. Fuck off cuz. I'll see ya
next week.
Editors Note: Gabe has the Best 2-2 team by a long shot and he is on pace to
win the Will Brown “Most Active Owner” award this season.
#4 (Tied) CAN’T TOUCH THIS 3-3 666 PF
So like a teenage girl using ALL CAPS. You’d think the spelling bee
master would know something about grammar. At least it’s spelling and not
math. Jesuchristo hermano (that’s German mom, and definitely not swearing)
I’m still not sure she’s got the new scoring figured out. “Josh Allen never scored
under 20 points last year! I know I had him last year!” That’s all I heard week 1.
I have a gun, someone come shoot me.
#2 (Tied) Always Sunny In Philadelphia 3-3 643.88 PF
Jimmy, what can I say? Not a lot actually. We’ve only met a couple times.
And as my sister in laws brother in law I don’t really have any dirt or shade to
throw your way. But you’re still family so fuck you and have a nice day. Also you
strike me as a cat or hamster person. Get a real pet. Sorry (not really) I had to take
the sole undefeated spot from you.
Editors Note: This guy is really 3-1 by just starting the Eagles Big 3. What
Happened to the game I love?
#2 (Tied) Ball Quaeda 5-1 709.86 PF
Ah.. my benefactor. Luckily there are no hard right wing MAGA’s in this
league. I mean… anything with a resemblance to al quaeda would be met
with pitchforks, red hats, burning crosses and ‘Merica's fav AR. Maybe 9/11
was an inside job. Maybe Will and I rigged the draft. Maybe aliens did
land in Roswell. And maybe Will has a real team.
Editors Note: Ball Quaeda has no affiliation with any terrorist organizations.
Any similarities in name or team logo are strictly coincidental and do not reflect the
views or actions of Ball Quaeda past present or future.
#1 Sponsored By Will 6-0 769.06 PF
“This guy took everyone that the predraft articles said not to take!” Nick
Brown. The day after my birthday. Eat it bro. I’ll let Nick and Will
talk shit about me…..
Editors Note: I’ve been there Sean. Riding high sitting pretty at 4-0 feeling like
you got a world beater clearing out a shelf making room for the trophy. Hell,
I once went 8-0 before everything fell apart and I became just another first
round exit.
Sure, the team looks unstoppable now, 3 RB1s, a bunch of WRs that are
punching above their weight class, and the best TE in football? What could
go wrong? Can the luck run out? Poor Management? INJURIES? Who knows.
Just dont get too cozy Sean, just last week you were rostering 3 tight ends and
we have a LOT of football left to play.
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