AND, since it's playoffs season and things are getting CRAZY, get ready for a list of playoff scenarios, which will be narrowed down next week. How crazy, you ask?
LET'S GET IT STARTED...
1) Cobra Commanders, 8-3 (106.27 PPG, .184 NPRP)
Melinda has maintained her 1st
place spot through weeks and weeks of games she was supposed to lose (That is,
according to Melinda). As this season has progressed, we have witnessed Melinda
transform from “whimsically naïve mother with a basic knowledge of football” to
“paranoid mastermind using the reverse jinx almost lethally.”
Lindy has been so on fire this year that
she decided to write a novel about fantasy football, devoting almost as much
research into the subject as I do. That devotion has paid off, as she holds 2
of the top defenses to accent her cornerstone quarterback. While the Commanders
don’t have the most points scored, consistent production against a subpar
schedule has kept her in the top spot for the majority of the season.
Melinda's standard response to the haters.
In fact, Melinda has officially moved into
first place all-time in the power rankings, as she has held the spot longer
(cumulatively) than anyone. However, just like Peyton Manning, many are
beginning to question whether or not she can still win the important games as
the air starts to get colder despite her overwhelming success.
Plus, she's so sick of being bullied like Peyton.
Julius Thomas is hurt just in time for her
to be able to clinch, and Marshawn is questionable once again. Much like the
2011 Miami Heat, we must ask ourselves who she has outside of the Big Three
(Manning, Lynch, Thomas)?
Her defenses have been struggling, she
doesn’t have a reliable RB2 or consistent receivers. If Steve Smith continues
his little slump, can she make that final push for the Kunya?
How does she make playoffs? With a win. One win clinches, two wins clinch the #1 seed. Sounds easy enough, right?
Movie comparison: Some movie with Julia Roberts in it. You know the one: It's got the 90's "woman empowerment" pop soundtrack, with the wardrobe sponsored by Nordstrom's. The movie starts out as a C-level romantic comedy that critics LOVE because it's Julia Roberts, America's Sweetheart. She whimsically works her way up the corporate ladder and now she's at the climax of the film. Things are starting to go wrong and Sarah McLaughlin is playing in a bar where she is taking shots of champagne.
Are we looking at a woman about to fall over the edge and lose everything she's worked so hard for? Doubtfully, but it would kind of blow you away if that was the case. No, no, what's most likely to happen is that boy she flirted with in scene 2 will somehow be like, "Oh yeah! That thing that's bothering you at work? I pull all the strings for that situation. Let me make it disappear!" BAM. Credits roll as they ride horses n Bermuda while Heart plays into the credits.
HA!
2) Strictly Bangers, 7-4 (110.55 PPG, .181 NPRP)
Bobby B once again pulled in a big win this
week, after a blowout win over yours truly. Amazingly, he has a 122.9 PPG
average in games in which he has won, the highest in the league. That’s not
all, though…Strictly Bangers has officially become the highest scoring team in
the league this past weekend, sliding just ahead of myself.
That doesn’t mean that all is well and good
in the Land of Choo Choo, though. Bobby B has been streaky all season long.
After 5 straight wins, he suffered through 2 straight losses, and is now
beginning another winning streak. While this sounds like a positive, one loss
this week could de-rail him just in time for playoffs.
See, our beloved Roberto has also averaged
81.5 PPG in each of his losses, making him the highest-variant team in league
history. It’s not luck, it’s just good, old-fashioned hit-or-miss.
Wouldn’t that describe our beloved
grey-haired fox though? He misses with draft picks but hits on these random
waiver wire pickups. I mean, Denard Robinson? Mike Evans? Dropping J-Stew for
the Crow the same day that Ben Tate lost his job? Some are smart, some are
downright laughable, but all have paid off for this squad.
Fear the choo choo, for it thirsts.
Bobby B has a tough game against surging Sean
Brown that will alter the West’s playoff picture. So what does Bobby B need to
clinch the first spot in the West???
How does he make playoffs? A win. That’s it. With two games remaining,
he needs one win. Whether that be against Sean or Curtis. One win puts Bobby B
at 8 wins, a total that no other team in his division can reach at this point.
However, as we will soon see, the possibilities are endless for that #2 spot…
Movie Comparison: It's like Bridge over the River Kwai. I've never seen it, but this is what I've taken from the name. It's 'nam, and the boys are in the shit. Just like Bobby B has been ever since losing that Championship game. He's seen his fair share of losses, maybe he even lost that little part of sanity that has been giving him the edge over all these years. But now?
Now there's nothing. Nothing but that damn train that needs to get to Hanoi. The only thing Bobby B needs to do is build a bridge of toothpicks and keep the other guys away from it so that the Choo Choo can make it's move. He's so close, but in 'nam, nothing is ever as close as it seems.
3) Super Flash Bros., 7-4 (110.27 PPG, .181 NPRP)
Through 12 weeks, Nicky B has held somewhat
strong in the top half of the league. Through 12 weeks, he’s been one of the
highest scoring teams, and maintaining a winning record DESPITE having the most
points scored against him.
And now, with 12 weeks done, this team can
reveal it’s secret weapon: Josh Gordon.
FLASH
AAAHHH OOHHHHH
MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE
Coming off a 12-week suspension, Gordon
and the Flash Bros are ready to go Power Moves only and kick it up a notch in
the last few games of the year.
With just one win over Cheryl being enough
to clinch a playoff spot, Nick has to push through this week without #1 wide
receiver Antonio Brown if he plans on making another championship appearance.
Averaging just over 110 PPG (11% of the
league total), the Flash Bros. haven’t been as hit-or-miss as Strictly bangers,
but a consistent output has kept the squad in contention.
Granted, the Smash Bros need one big win to
make it in, but those never come easy for Nick this time of year. He is 3-3 in
the last 2 years after Week 10, making these games a total toss up.
How does he make playoffs? A win over Cheryl would clinch it, or a loss to Cheryl and a win over Corey in Week 13, provided he is leading the division in PPG. As long as he doesn't go 0-2 while Cheryl passes him at 2-0.
Movie Comparison: It's like Django Unchained...
Wait, no...it's more like Gordons of the Galaxy...
NO. No. It's like Armagordon...
This year has been like The Dark Night Rises. Sure, things have gone pretty well despite Josh being away. My first round pick, like many of yours, got hurt, but I still won some games. Then, Melinda showed up to the party and started causing chaos again, forcing the league to beg for my return. And now, coming back stronger than ever from the darkness, I will do my best to stop the evil no matter the cost.
4) Rank This, 6-5 (105 PPG, .163 NPRP)
For those of you not paying attention, Dave
has flipped the proverbial “giving a shit” switch and has worked his way back
from a 9th place ranking in Week 2. Now, with just two games to play
against bitter rivals Will and Sean, Dave is poised for another playoff run.
We made him mad.
Fortunately for Dave, the only way to
guarantee he won’t make playoffs is if he goes 0-2 in these next few weeks,
getting blown out in each bout. That would mean that Dave would go 0-4 in his
final 4 weeks, something Dave has never done over a 4-week span.
Dave’s 105 PPG is noticeably higher that
his 101 PPG during his championship run, which bids well for his future.
However, with the division being as close as it is, anything can happen,
especially with Dave allowing the 3rd most points in the league.
Keep in mind though, that if Dave hadn’t score 187 points against Will, he
would have 96 PPG, making this playoff race that much more interesting.
That's something I'd drink to.
As is normally the case, Rank This is
proving that it is difficult to repeat a championship run, especially in The
Captain’s League, where such a thing has yet to occur.
His team, in typical Dave fashion, is
strange. Everyone is somehow top 10 despite logic. The Dolphins D? Caleb
Sturgis? Drew Brees isn’t even a top 5 quarterback this year. Sure, Lacy
bounced back and Gronk is healthy, but why is Dave still playing Marques
Colston?
Us looking at Dave's team
It’s a good team this year, without the
added element of luck that was prevalent with Dave during his 2013 run. But
just because it isn’t the same doesn’t mean that he cannot produce the same
result. Will we get another cocky, smack-talking David Smith this Thanksgiving?
Or will we witness fear as it devours the turducken?
How does he make playoffs? We'll get more into it later, but going 2-0 would clinch it.
Movie Comparison: Transformers 4: Age of Extinction. I mean, the movie franchise is just garbage but they're successful for some reason. Oh, you thought this movie comparison thing was strictly plot based? Well, I'm sorry. Did YOU see Transformer's 4? Well then get off my back about it, Sharon. It was an awful movie despite having American hero Mark Wahlberg at the helm...No! I won't let it go! Why do they keep making them? And why does Dave keep winning games?
5) Needs Me Some Luck, 6-5 (102.73 PPG, .159 NPRP)
Cheryl almost pulled off the divebomb of
the century. In a move that made trade critic Matt Smith say, “I don't think she knows what she's doing,” the lovely leading lady tried to trade her big-time WR Julio
Jones for…the Bills D?
Not only does it sound laughable on first
sight, but Cheryl already has a top defense in the Packers (who wound up
scoring her 26 points after the trade was vetoed unanimously).
Cheryl also has my wide receiver scraps in
Lafell and ODB. Don’t get me wrong, they’re good players who put up numbers,
but trusting them instead of Julio?
Many believe that this type of move was
Cheryl’s white flag, her embarrassing surrender before the playoffs were set.
Was she trying to hand off one of her studs to Dave in order to better his
chances at making playoffs? It certainly seems so.
Cheryl's response to that question
But no, Cheryl is still very much within
reach of a playoff appearance. Of course, that final stretch must begin with a
W over Super Smash Bros, but following the course of history, Andrew Luck will
decide to mercilessly run up the score on the Jaguars with an 8th TD
in the 4th quarter while Julio Jones has himself a field day.
I have to say, Cheryl’s team scares me, a
lot moreso than Dave’s. Her 103 PPG has been completely unpredictable: going
from 122 points to 79 like that.
She may very well need a 122 point showing
this week, but either way it is poised to be a VERY interesting matchup.
Just don’t quit.
How does she make playoffs? She won't with that attitude. Cheryl needs not only a win this week against the Super Flash Bros., but she needs an 2nd in week 13 while Flash loses to Corey. That, or she somehow surpasses 0-2 Melinda in points.
Movie Comparison: It's like Remember the Titans, except that they try to face adversity and quit.
6) Kessel Runners, 5-6 (100.36 PPG, .146 NPRP)
Sean is a man on a mission. 4 weeks into
the season, Sean was 1-3 and wept beneath the stars every night. One evening,
he called me and told me that he didn’t think he could go on any more, and that
this was it for him…he needed to win out in order to make playoffs.
Well, Sean lost two straight after that,
and was reminiscent of the infamous VERSACE VERSACE trainwreck of 2013. But, at
1-5, Sean refused to give up as many have before him. Since then, he has won 4
of the last 5 and is still in playoff contention with 2 of his biggest games
remaining.
After mounting a sizeable comeback the back
half of the season,, the Kessel Runners have their orders: Kill any team that
stands in the way of a playoff appearance.
Sean hasn’t seen the playoffs since 2012,
and every once in a blue moon he catches a whiff of the fantasy that now eludes
him, like a gambler who has been banned from Fantasyland just after reaching
it.
The magnificent thing about Sean though, is
that it’s ultimately his year. He’s the Cinderella story. He’s the little guy
that is daring to take on the powers at be by trying to slip past the defending
superpower in these last two weeks.
The entire league wants him to make
playoffs…so how does he get there?
How does he make playoffs? Well, going 2-0 against Bobby B (divisional
leader) and Dave definitely help. That would guarantee playoffs IF Dave loses
both of his games.
If Dave goes 1-1, however, then Sean will
need to outscore Dave by enough points to surpass his PPG average. It’s that
simple. Win or go home. #SeanForPlayoffs2014
Movie Comparison: Well, depending on what happens these next two weeks, Sean's story is either The Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi. Obviously, Dave is Darth Vader where Sean is Luke Skywalker. I mean, I've been making these comparisons all season. It's not hard. Will Sean finish the year with a broken spirit? Or will he finish the season a survivor of the rebellion? Either way, he will be tested.
7) ~ Randy Savages, 5-6 (93.45 PPG, .136 NPRP)
Will has been scarily sneaky the past few
weeks. Not many pegged him for a threat after a 2-5 start, only gaining wins
over Corey and Curtis. But Will has been filled with new life over the past few
weeks, going 3-1 headed into the final few weeks.
Will's opponents, as portrayed by John Malkovich
There’s no way to sugarcoat his situation
though. While Will’s team has turned around thanks to dominant play from Tom Brady
in the absence of Nick Foles, Will needs plenty of things to happen if he wants
to find himself looking at a second Championship trophy come January.
DJ Chip Buckerman is always in the mix, and
he will need to be as he faces off against Dave this week in what is by far the
biggest game of the season up to this point. If Dave wins, Will is out of the
playoff race. If Will wins, then it all comes down to week 13.
The headache that is Dave Smith.
How does he make playoffs? Here are all the possible scenarios:
If Sean and Will win, then they will be
tied with Dave at 6-6.
If Sean and Dave win, Will is out of
playoffs and Sean will need to beat Dave handily in their Week 13 matchup,
ultimately passing him in PPG and sliding into playoffs.
If Bobby B and Dave win, they clinch
playoffs.
If Bobby B and Will win, then Sean is out
of playoffs and either: a.) Sean beats Dave and Will beats Cheryl in Week 13
for Will to clinch, b.) Sean beats Dave and Cheryl beats Will, with the higher
PPG average of the two clinching, c.) Dave beats Sean and Will beats Cheryl,
with the higher PPG average clinching, or d.) Dave beats Sean and Cheryl beats
Will, with Dave clinching.
In layman’s terms, Will must go 2-0 while
Sean goes 1-1 and Dave goes 0-2.
The tension
Will is averaging 93 PPG thanks to four 70
point outings in his first six weeks of the season (with Sean at 100 PPG and
Dave at 105 PPG). The hardest way for him to make it is to just blow up in
weeks 12 and 13, raising that average above Dave and Sean and hoping that they
are all tied at season’s end.
Basically Will, go 2-0 in theses last 2
weeks and pray that Dave loses to Sean.
Movie Comparison: Will is Good Will Hunting, because there's Robin Williams and Will and he's hunting playoffs. Not all of these can be home runs.
8) Hakka Flocka Flame, 5-6 (91.91 PPG, .134 NPRP)
Oh boy, you thought that list of stuff for
Will was crazy? Get your big boy pants on, kids, because Matt’s path to the
playoffs is about as likely (and entertaining) as Kim Kardashian winning the
National Spelling Bee.
First off, what happened? After all the
hype. All the pomp and circumstance and smack talk in the condo. Matt was
ranked #2 for 3 weeks and went 2-1 while ranked there without ever rising to
the top. And ever since, he has been less than mediocre.
Matt has had more jobs than wins this
fantasy season, averaging a painful 93.4 PPG (also, congrats on the job), Matt
needs a little more than a miracle on 34th street to make his first
ever playoff run.
Matt’s #1 pick, Giovani Bernard, is
returning to join his newest player, Jonas Gray. At quarterback, Matt’s
starting a potato, with TY Hilton and Sammy Watkins hamming it up at WR. How
this team was ever #2, I’ll never know.
How does he make playoffs? So how does this dismal bunch make it to
the show? I’ll tell you:
a) Sean must beat Bobby B, Will must beat
Dave, Matt must beat Corey in Week 12.
b) Curtis must beat Bobby B (making him
7-6), Cheryl must beat Will (making him 6-7), Dave must beat Sean (making Dave
7-6 and Sean 6-7), Matt must beat Melinda (making him 7-6) in Week 13.
c) Matt has to absolutely WRECK his two
opponents, scoring about 367 points in order to pass Dave in PPG (provided that
Dave maintains his average while still going 1-1).
That is the only way Matt’s miracle
happens. Is it possible? Yes! Is it likely? About as likely as Kanye being
Santa in a charity concert at the Magical Forest.
Movie Comparison: Matt's season is Happy Gilmore. In the beginning, he was on top when he really wasn't (Shooter is the best, but he doesn't have a jacket). As the season goes on, he starts to lose it, both mentally and in the competitive sense. The entire way, his smack talk is empty and hilarious and his antics are worth smiling over. And, in the end, he loses to the hero and goes down in history and a hilarious villain.
9) U Guessed It, 4-7 (85.73 PPG, .117 NPRP)
For the third-straight year, Chippy B is
facing a finish in the bottom 3rd of the league, being officially locked out of
playoffs. Ouch.
Corey after another fantasy season
Even with a “Come and test us” attitude and
a 2-game winning streak, Corey’s team has “produced” an 85 PPG average, the
worst in the league by 6 PPG. In order for Corey to move up to 2nd
worst in the league in that category, he must score a resounding 127 points in
EACH of his next two games.
However, we must congratulate Corey for his
lack of shenanigans this year around the trade deadline. He didn’t give up like
some people in the league, and now he’s looking to knock to teams out of the
playoffs consecutively.
Who you gonna knock off, Chip?
First up is Matt. As you have all seen,
Matt is in desperate need of a win if he wants to keep his 1% chance at making
playoffs alive. Corey could be the reality check Matt needs, though.
With one win, Corey shuts the door on a
team and completely alters the playoff picture in the West, which is something
Corey loves more than anything: screwing somebody out of something.
Does he have the power to, though? Corey is
9-17 the past two years (13-26 all time dating back to the Elite 8). His team this
week consists of a quarterback best-known for the “Butt fumble,” two rookie running
backs who have yet to “break out,” a tight end past his prime, and the Chargers
rotting defense.
Corey needs a few breakout weeks. Is this
team of rag-tag “athletes” the ones to do it?
Sorry, bud.
10) Staff Infection, 2-9 (91.27 PPG, .108 NPRP)
You think that rip on Corey was bad? Oh
boy.
Curtis in 3...2...1...
Curtis was 13-13 all time heading into this
year. While a part of the Elite 8, Curtis notoriously didn’t care, going 5-8
with numerous counts of not setting a lineup. Last year, as we all recall,
Curtis was put on Probation, being so lazy that he didn’t even change his team
name from PROBATION PROBATION.
Curtis, of course, set his lineup last year
but had almost ALL of his players get hurt. Aaron Rodgers, Julio Jones, etc.
The players he picked up, though, continued to go off, leading Curtis to an 8-5
season in which he only missed playoffs because he was stuck in the same
division as the two best teams in the league: Rank This and Cobra Commanders.
This year, though, Curtis might as well
have autodrafted. His team is awful and he only sets his lineup if someone
tells him to. Usually, this means setting it against a “Brown family” opponent
(according the Melinda Brown’s Captain’s League Conspiracy, 2014).
I ripped Curtis before the season started
because his team was so bad, placing him at 10th in the preseason
power rankings. And, after getting one win in Week One, Curtis officially
jinxed himself by self-righteously texting me, “hey nick rank this.”
Unfortunately, other than that minor bump
in the road, Curtis has been nothing but a gentleman this year, taking his
losses in stride. But sometimes we must pay for the sins of our fathers, no?
And Curtis’ payment this year was having a
garbage team. Stafford has been underperforming as a fantasy QB and it’s so
hard to tell when Roethlisberger is going to put up 50. Other than DeMarco
Murray, his running backs look like the cast of Oliver Twist. And don’t get me
started on receivers. His #1 is Golden Tate, who has produced via a lack of
Megatron. Just a tough go all-around.
Basically, Curtis, fight to not be in dead
last. You can still knock a team or two out of playoffs. Maybe try to do that
or something?
How does he make playoffs?
Movie Comparison: Curtis is Disaster Movie, the plot is about a disaster and it IS a disaster. According to Rotten Tomatoes, it is the worst disaster. That movie is so bad that it overshot the "so bad it's good" charm and went straight back to bad. As in, bone-chillingly, cringeworthy garbage.
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