The Thanksgiving Roast Power Rankings

Hello, everyone!

With Thanksgiving Week upon us, it is time for the roast of all roasts: The Week 11 Power Rankings. I would like to take this opportunity to say a few things:

First, I apologize that I have been so absent from the past few weeks with these rankings. I'm trying to find an easier system so that we can get a weekly segment up and running. I wrote this week's blog on the planes to and from Seattle, so I didn't get a chance to use the internet to grap gifs, but they will be back in the near future. Second, I am so thankful for this league and how close it has made us all. I know I talk a lot of smack on here, but I'm thankful that we are close enough that these things can be said without anyone taking offense. This is truly a family league.

Finally, your fun fact of the week: 5 teams have yet to hit the 1000 point mark on the season. Which 5 you ask? The top 5 teams according to the preseason rankings. I told you not to take them seriously.

Good luck on your playoff runs! Below are the rankings and each team's chances of making playoffs.

**1.) (LW #1) CC's Gurley Girl, 9-2 [110.73 PPG, 1.818 NPRP]

The narrative has slightly changed.

One of my favorite things about running the league and the blog is that you start to notice patterns with things. Everyone has a narrative: Melinda’s passive aggressive, Sean’s unlucky, The Hewetts (and myself) are cocky, Dave and Cheryl are “lucky,” Matt and Curt are bad and/or don’t pay attention. It’s pretty easy to mail in a blog when you know you can just hammer away at one of these things for each team without going into specifics.

But now, after all this time, we need to change the narrative on Melinda. After moving into first place 3 weeks ago following her victory over Ryan, she began to ask for a blog acknowledging her prowess for the 3^rd straight year. So here it is:

Melinda Brown needs to lose, and she needs to lose badly.

You may be thinking, “I don’t know, the league is a little boring this year. Do I even want to come back?” If you are, don’t worry, you’re not alone. There’s a few reasons for this:

1. Moving up to 12 people is a struggle. There are definitely growing pains and the who’s-not that is the Waiver Wire is enough to make anyone question themselves.
2. There hasn’t been a strong Smith family presence this year. I know the league hashtag started as #NoSmithPlayoff, but at this point I just want to see one of them upset somebody. Score 100 points for more than 1 week at a time. Please.
3. The blog. I know, I’ve been awful. I apologize.
4. Melinda has shifted into her final form: The unbeatable juggernaut who will not shut up about how beatable she is as she snickers into her Bloody Marys on Sunday mornings.

Let’s look at her stats: Lindy has only scored fewer than 100 points 3 times this year. In a league where scoring has been down, her lowest outing was 88 points, which is HIGHER OR EQUAL TO HALF THE LEAGUE’S POINTS PER GAME.

Melinda is 230 points away from the all-time single season scoring record. She averages 110 points per game, which is absurd. She lost her games at just the right time to ensure easy waiver wire pickups and now she has a top 25 player at every position.

On top of that, she still won’t just admit that she has put together what could be the best team in league history. So if it feels like everyone is kind of mailing it in at this point, it’s because we are. Lindy can have the recognition she so desperately wanted by having a 1 next to her name in a power ranking, but I pray that she does not ever ignore the mark on her back.

So congratulations, Melinda, you beat the guy whose entire team got hurt to take the top spot in a league where everyone’s stud got hurt except for yours. You get 12 points per game more than everyone else and I’m really getting tired of coming on here every few weeks to just let you know what you already know. Yes, Mom, you put together a good team. Yes, you can start writing your victory speech, but if you slip up between now and the Championship then this league will never let it go. Can you continue what is probably the easiest path to a championship that anyone has ever had? Or will you choke it all away in the most epic collapse we have ever seen?

PLAYOFF CHANCES:

Melinda has clinched a the #1 seed in the playoffs in her division.

2.) (LW #2) Team Flood Gates, 7-4 [97.09 PPG, 1.636 NPRP]

In the depths of some cold, dark place, where the warmth of life has not touched in some centuries, there lies a scroll.

Many a man has tried to understand all that is written, or decipher the nuances of the ancient diction, but only one thing is certain: There was a prophecy.

The prophecy spoke of one, filled with wisdom and guided by the hand of a greater plane, who would change the league forever. It describes such a hero as having knowledge of what is to come, and having the charisma and the courage to weather the storm of the long season.

This great hero has been sought for centuries, for they will stand the test of time and finish the season with the greatest record we have ever seen. There will be no talk of luck, nor will there be question of their legitimacy, but rather we will tell our children’s children of how we competed against the immortal.

But such a scroll also tells of the dark ones. For as one will come by light and pass through the fire of the season, many will be born of flame and be sharp of tongue in proclaiming themselves the hero of old.

They will make bold promises: Promises of an undefeated team, or a 12-1 team, or even go so far as to guarantee a championship.

But we must stay strong, my friends, for the truth will be brought to light and the liars will go down in the flames from whence they came. They will tire and lose game after game as broken promises turn into the revelation of the utter garbage that they are.

Ladies and Gentlemen: We have such trash here among us.

Ryan Hewett, the comeback kid, has proven to us that this league is not to be trifled with. At one point he seemed unbeatable. His defense outscored more than half of the players in the league, a wide receiver without an arm to throw him the ball was leading the NFL in catches, yards, and touchdowns. At one point Kendall freakin Wright was putting up points.

I don’t think many of you understand how absurd that is. When I was a Senior in college I tried to get back into community service by donating my time to a Children’s hospital in Spokane. Spending time there was such an eye-opening experience in that you have the chance to meet all these kids from different upbringings who have come together by some cruel twist of fate.

There were children with one lung who wanted to be firefighters, blind kids who wanted to be presidents, and one quadriplegic boy who wanted to be a wizard. Not just any wizard, mind you, but a quidditch superstar to boot.  This boy was blind, but the nurses had read the Harry Potter books to him countless times. I even was given the opportunity to read a portion of The Goblet of Fire to him, specifically the quidditch world cup chapters. He would openly weep and cheer on the players. He had no hands to clap, no legs to run in celebration; all the little boy had was a dream.

You can imagine my surprise years later when I saw that boy on television playing for the downtrodden Tennessee Titans. There he was, catching a pass for maybe 4 yards and believing that he had just won the Quidditch World Cup. That boy was Kendall Wright.

Ryan Hewett drafted and started Kendall Wright on his fantasy football team in a league where he guaranteed that he would not lose another game following a loss in Week 2.

We all know what it’s like to ride a hot streak like that (OK, maybe not Corey, Matt, or Curtis, but most of us). We all know how the hype builds and you say things you regret. It happens.

In my travels across the great state of Washington, I met a man who told me about such a thing. I met him in a cabin after a long day of trudging through the thick Northern snow. He went by many names given to him by the many tribes and group that he had worked for over his journey on Earth, but to me this vagabond was simply Tim.

Tim worked different jobs for every season, and just enough to have enough food and shelter to continue his travels the following year. Tim told me of his work with Indian tribes in the Montana summers, his construction work with mounties in Canada, of his time spent with bears in the Alaskan wasteland, and the many Autumns he spent as a lumberjack in the deep, isolated North.

He had heard of a man while he was there who proclaimed himself the greatest lumberjack North of the San Rafaels. They called him the Big Noise for his tall tales. No lumberjack had ever worked in a partnership with the Big Noise. In fact, no one had ever seen him work. All they had to go on were the tales he would spin around the great fire in their hidden Lumberjack village.

So one day, after a particularly lengthy story, Tim told the Big Noise that he would join him in an old chop session. The very next morning, Tim and Big arose and gathered there gear before heading out into the maze of the forest. Once they chose the spot, Tim selected a particularly large tree to work on. Not to be outdone of course, Big Noise chose the largest tree in the forest, playing right into Tim’s hand.

As Tim chopped away at the old maple before him, he could hear Big Noise grunting just a stone’s throw away, trying his best to live up to the hype. Before long, he heard a laugh.

“I got it!” Big Noise cried. “Just like I told you, just like I told ALL of you!”

The last thing Big Noise ever said before the tree crushed him will haunt Tim to the grave. With one final chuckle, Big Noise put his hands on the wrong side of the try and shouted as loud as he could:

“TIMBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Come on, Ryan! You can’t step into this league and make guarantees like that! Especially when you drop a top 10 quarterback to keep the shell of Peyton Manning! ESPECIALLY before you drop two losses back-to-back! AND ESPECIALLY when you go 4 weeks without scoring 100 points!

This isn’t the minor leagues that you’re used to. This is the Captain’s League, kid, welcome to the big table. Step right up, grab a plate! I didn’t get to make a turkey this year, but you know I’ve been preparing the roast all week.

Was the pressure too much, Ryan? Were you beginning to feel the crippling weight of fear pouring onto you off of every stranger you crossed paths with? Was the smell of defeat creeping into every crevice of your life like a gas leak in a prison cell?

You’ll have to enlighten us, was it facing Will the second time around that made you think, “Can I even beat him?” Did you look at his championship ring like Shooter McGavin looked at the Gold Jacket? By saying “Surely my time is coming, I don’t need to put in any work or effort?” Would you fall asleep on cold nights clutching tightly to the shattered remains of Peyton Manning’s career telling yourself that it would lead you to a better place? Did your nightlight begin to fade when the Broncos were put on the chopping block by the broken Colts?

I hope you learn how to win again real quick, kid, because you’ve been caught. Will is just a hair behind you and I know you can feel Bobby B’s sights on you like the shiver you get down your spine on those particularly freezing nights. One more slip and your dream of an undefeated season crashes further into the abyss like a Ted Ginn Jr. drop.

PLAYOFF CHANCES:

Ryan needs to win one game in order to clinch a playoff spot. He has no chance of being the #1 seed.

3.) (LW #3) Team Richard Berman's Team, 7-4 [95.82 PPG, 1.636 NPRP]

One more win and Will reaches playoffs for the first time since he won it all back in 2012. Just think about that for a moment. That was when the first iPhone was introduced. Back in 2012 it only cost a nickel to see a movie. Our President was Barack Obama, for goodness sakes.

But this win will remain Will’s toughest yet. He doesn’t have an easy remainder of schedule and he just lost his starting RB and WR. That’s like fighting all the way through the Pacific campaign of World War 2 only to lose every single plane you’ve ever had. I mean, it’s too late to magically replace them.

Not only that, but Will just suffered Tom Brady’s worst game of the season in a game that determined the #1 seed. While that game had “comeback” written all over it against Melinda, it all got choked away.

Will he actually be able to stand firm through the pressure? While many of you are thinking “Obviously. Will’s a big contender in this league. Always has been,” let’s remind you of the story heading into the 2012 playoffs.

Like we all remember the Deflategate or the Tuck Rule benefitting wrongdoers and leading to Championships, Will and Corey’s collusion in 2012 led to Will’s playoff entry despite a sub-.500 record. Corey took a dive and gave up his players on the waiver wire so that Will would win it all with the simple clause that Terrell Owens be on his championship team.

It was such that Will, a 6-7 team, dominated the playoffs the likes of which had never been seen.

With the League’s non-collusion rules in place, we have avoided recent catastrophes. But without any healthy first round-caliber players on the waiver wire, will William be able to continue his recent string of dominance?

I mean, without Edelman and Forsett, this kid is left with Tom Brady and the writer’s of The Fantastic 4 (2015). Can you name a single one of those people? Just one? No? That’s Will’s team: It started with a good cast and a dream of bigger and better things before these monsters came in and put their grubby little hands on it.

You know what, Will? I’d give Glen Lerner a call, because you’re gonna want a good lawyer when you get wrecked.

PLAYOFF CHANCES:

Will needs one win to clinch a playoff spot. He has no chance of clinching the #1 seed in his division.

*4.) (LW #6) Laced Jam, 8-3 [88.82 PPG, 1.727 NPRP]

I’ve heard you. All those things you whisper about me in the “safety” of yours homes, in the dark corners of your condos, in the alleys of your beloved cities…I’m always listening.

“Who’s the lucky one?!” I hear you as your words bite and tear at my legacy. “This kid can’t even score 100 points and he already has a better record than last year.”

“You’d think with his blog and his obsession that he’d be better at this.” Well, Robert, let’s not forget who has found their way within a win of a playoff bye. Lets not forget who took down Eddie by paying off the referees in Foxborough. Let’s never forget the hours I slaved away pulling footage of 40 year old men wrestling so that I could finally have my revenge on Fast Eddie on Monday Night Football.

Yes, I’m a lucky man. I have been blessed with a house and a condo in Las Vegas. I have been blessed to listen to “Hello” by Adele at least 40 times. I am so blessed that I sit here roasting you all in the spirit of Thanksgiving while devouring a 2 lb bag of Chocolate-covered Coconut Almonds.

It’s been 4 weeks since I scored 100 points. It has been 2 weeks since I last lost, and you know what? With 2 weeks remaining in the regular season, my final 2 games are tales of possible revenge. After suffering one loss apiece to Eddie, Dave, and Sean so far, I now have a chance to even the score. I have a chance to stake my claim as king of the division. I even have a chance to defeat every single Smith in the same season (the Mormon pilgrimage, as it were).

With just a few short weeks left, there are so many ways that this has and may continue to be a beautiful season, but I’ll save all that for a possible playoff run. Just remember: I’m always listening.

PLAYOFF CHANCES:

Nick has clinched a playoff spot, and is one win away from clinching the #1 seed in his division.

5.) (LW #5) Joe Buck Yourself, 6-5 [98.18 PPG, 1.545 NPRP]

Two weeks ago, Sean bested me and my team.

“So?” You say, “Why does that matter?”

Well, it’s been odd. Ever since that day, Sean has not failed to bring it up. It’s most confusing. Without even a simple “good game,” Sean will just bring up the “shellacking” he laid on me.

I didn’t mind the loss, but I was wondering where I had crossed him? Surely I must have forgotten a birthday somewhere? Sure enough, I was at his birthday dinner. OK, well did I fail to read his blog? No, he stopped writing one. What was it?

It was then that I called up the bureau of statistics and facts and asked them if there were any irregularities with Sean. It was then that I was informed of the real issue:

Sean had never beaten me in the 4 years that we have played together. In the four times we had previously played, in fact, I outscored Sean 493 to 380. So yeah, good game old sport.

Sean had come into his recent loss against Cheryl on a hot streak that featured 4 straight 100+ point performances. The way he has fluctuated between being a Western Conference powerhouse and a flop is nothing short of extraordinary. Just when his corps of running backs come together, injury strikes and he stumbles back into mediocrity. Is it admirable? Of course. But is it time for him to hang up the tablet?

Sean still has a chance to take the top spot in the West if he wins out and maintains his narrow 10 PPG lead over Nick in scoring. Luckily for him, Sean should have a cakewalk this week against the 11^th best team in the lea-What’s that? Vegas has Sean losing by 10?

But…But his opponent only has 3 wins and some question whether or not he actually plays anymore. How could he possibly lose?

Huh? What do you mean his 2 starting RBs might not even play? And what’s this about him playing the 18^th best kicker for some reason when there are only 12 people in the league? That doesn’t make any sense! Someone who has been playing for this long with this much of a shot at a championship should know these things.

Oh well, it’s not like it took him 4 years to beat somebody.

PLAYOFF CHANCES:

Sean needs 2 wins to make playoffs (and outscore Eddie to clinch the #1 seed, provided Eddie wins his next 2). He could also win 1 of his next 2 if both Dave and Cheryl lose 1 their next 2. He could also lose both of his next 2 as long as Dave and Cheryl also lose their last 2 games.

6.) (LW #4) Fast Eddie, 6-5 [97.82 PPG, 1.545 NPRP]

Oh Eddie, you silly goose. Not only have we told you how to properly pick up players multiple times, but we warned you that this would come.

For 8 weeks I had written the words “Beat Eddie” on my bulletin board at the condo, and seeing his epic “We all saw it coming” collapse was sweeter than I ever imagined. But rather than go on about Eddie’s unfortunate loss, let’s focus on the future of this team:

Eddie’s quarterbacks are a question mark when the rest of the league is dealing with exclamations. Derek Carr is an incredible human being. He is skilled and he is fun to watch, and yet Eddie only plays him so often, only to have Carr put up a dismal performance. Am I blaming Eddie for cursing the Oakland Raiders? Only slightly.

Then we get to his running backs. Eddie has this amazing skill where he can somehow wind up with starting running backs who don’t perform how they should. However, there’s a reason why Melvin Gordon is probably going to break the record for most touches without a touchdown. Similarly, there’s a reason why the Patriots have cut Blount in the past.

Wide Receiver time! Eddie has 4 receivers on 2 teams and occasionally plays them both at the same time. It doesn’t make sense, but neither does asking for a top 10 back in exchange for his tight end. Oh well.

Eddie is scoring 75 PPG over the past 4 weeks, and is 2-2 in that span. He currently sits at 3^rd place in the division and would see his playoff hopes slip away with 2 more losses to close out the year. Fast Eddie, it seems, did not pace himself for the long run. Like the tortoise and the hare, Eddie started off too quickly with a 0-2 start only to fizzle away his chances.

PLAYOFF CHANCES:

Eddie needs 2 wins to clinch playoffs (and outscore Sean to clinch the #1 seed, provided Sean wins his next 2). He could also win 1 of his next 2 if both Dave and Cheryl lose 1 their next 2. He could also lose both of his next 2 as long as Dave and Cheryl also lose their last 2 games.

7.) (LW #7) Mr Rodgers Neighborhood, 5-6 [92.55 PPG, 1.455 NPRP]

Robert Brown has benefitted from the non-profit approach: He was so down in the dumps with his horrid team that he had to resort to rebuilding from the charitable donations given to him on the waiver wire.

He wound up picking up free starting running backs, free top 5 defenses, and for some reason not a single receiver. But he has come on strong in the past few weeks, winning 3 straight and putting life into his playoff hopes. With a big game this week against former stud Ryan Hewett, another victory would bring him within a win of reaching playoffs.

But with questions being raised about the Packers’ passing game, will Aaron Rodgers be able to march this team as far as Mr. Brown hopes?

Historically, no. Bobby B is in an “off” year and, as much as we’d love to see him win, he probably wont. Not only would he have to go undefeated while Will or Ryan lose the next two, but he’d have to outscore them.

The odds are against him, but I think we all hope for the sake of the League that the man passes Ryan.

PLAYOFF CHANCES:

Bobby B must win his next 2 games AND have either Ryan or Will lose both of their games. Bobby B must also overtake a 7-6 Ryan/Will in scoring.

8.) (LW #8) Rank This, 5-6 [88.36 PPG, 1.455 NPRP]

Dave’s recent blog posts have been excessively boring to write. Yes, he’s one win from being tied for a playoff spot, do we really believe Dave has a shot at this?

I mean, come on, this isn’t the old Dave Smith. The new Dave has a boring team that performs just how we would expect them to. They’re mediocre and occasionally they win games when Dave’s opponent doesn’t perform. It’s a boring story that really makes us almost wish for the days when Mr. Smith’s rag tag group of scrubs would pull out crazy wins.

I mean, do we care about Rank This anymore? Are we afraid of them? Are they a laughing stock? Not really, but the name doesn’t pull as much weight anymore. I doubt anyone is even paying attention to this portion of the blog. Here’s a random gif:

Now Dave, if you’re reading, it’s time we have this talk: You really need to market yourself more. Be the bad guy, Dave. Embrace your role. Be the smack-talking, enraging opponent you started as. The more you put yourself out there, the more fun you have and the more fun it is to beat you. Be that guy.

This weekend, for instance: I have never won in Week 12 since the league began. I don’t know what it is. Maybe I rest my players, maybe I get lackadaisical. But you have the chance to make this the 4^th straight year that this is the case and I really feel like this doesn’t mean anything to you. I can’t even find myself getting excited. I mean, come on man. Have a little respect for yourself and for the league.

PLAYOFF CHANCES:

Dave must win his next 2 games to clinch a playoff spot, provided that either Sean or Eddie lose one of their next 2 AND Dave (somehow) overtakes them in scoring. Realistically, Dave would have to win his next 2 while either Sean or Eddie lose their next 2.

9.) (LW #11) This 1 Is 4 Sandy, 3-8 [97.91 PPG, 1.273 NPRP]

Corey Michael Hewett has almost worked himself out of the bottom quarter of the league. Just a few short weeks ago he was in last place and we had all given up hope. He went into rivalry week and he blew it like we all expected, but then something even crazier happened: Corey got really good.

Over the past 3 weeks, Corey has put up 360 points, the second highest over that span. He’s only lost one of those games, to the luckiest man on the planet: Robert Brown. But that doesn’t matter to Corey: He’s systematically eliminated from playoffs and now all he has left to play for is pride. Historically speaking, that’s when he is the most dangerous.

I know I promised to bring the roast, but I can’t find it in myself to roast a guy who has doubled his season win total over the span of 3 weeks. The man has turned away from his old self, who would have laid over and thrown away the season. Could it be the possibility of getting his money back in the consolation bracket? Possibly. But I choose to believe that it’s Corey’s maturity that has caused him to turn a new leaf.

I mean, the man is about to become a father. Yes, you read that correctly. Corey Michael Hewett is about to become the legal guardian of Titus, the English bulldog. If Corey is to become the loving dog owner we know he needs to be, it all starts will causing some upsets in these final few weeks to close out strong.

So real quick shoutout to Corey Hewett, the comeback kid.

PLAYOFF CHANCES:

Corey is systematically eliminated from playoffs.

10.) (LW #9) Wiggity Wiggity Wack, 5-6 [85 PPG, 1.455 NPRP]

Cheryl is the complete opposite of Dave surprisingly.

While they both have the same record, and there are only 6 points separating one another, they are in very different parts of the rankings. Cheryl has fallen behind and now sits on the very edge of the rankings, needing 2 wins to maintain a chance at playoffs.

And yet, Cheryl feels much more like a playoff contender than her husband. Cheryl has upset potential, as you can see in her big wins over Eddie, Bobby B, and Sean. Her players are definitely hit-or-miss, as Cheryl has put up as many triple digit games as she has sub-60 pointers.

But the most important thing about Cheryl is that she’s exciting. You don’t know what to expect out of her squad on a week-to-week basis, and that’s one of the best things at this point in the season.

Now, Cheryl. Let’s talk about what would happen if you made playoffs. Coming off of last season when you snuck into the Playoffs off of Andrew Luck’s back and won it all, I could totally understand why you’d think that there’s a similar chance this season. However, if you made it in, you’d (probably) face either Sean, Eddie, or your husband in the first round, all of whom are scoring more than you every single game.

Do you really think that you have a shot at winning it all back-to-back years? I mean, if I were you, I’d take a dive. I’d lose these games, get an easy consolation matchup against a weak team, and set yourself up for another quick payday before the end of the season.

Be real with yourself, Cheryl. This isn’t your year. Make the smart move for yourself and for your wallet. This team is wiggity wiggity wack.

PLAYOFF CHANCES:

Cheryl must win her next 2 games to clinch a playoff spot, provided that either Sean or Eddie lose one of their next 2, Dave loses one of his next 2, AND Cheryl (somehow) overtakes them all in scoring. Realistically, Cheryl would have to win her next 2 while either Sean or Eddie lose their next 2 while Dave loses once.

11.) (LW #10) Talkin Bout Mock Drafts?, 3-8 [87.82 PPG, 1.273 NPRP]

OK Matt, let’s have a little chat.

What happened? You started the season on top of the world. We’ve talked about how well you did at the beginning of the season with the draft and all.

You were like a child! You were so happy that you were getting some positive vibes and that the roast wasn’t coming your way! But then you wound up falling from first place to eleventh. Now, Matt…

What do you even do with this team? You have the top fantasy receiver. Seriously, with Big Ben’s numerous injuries, Julio is borderline untouchable. But who even are you playing at QB? Do you even have another stud on that team? Everyone knows you need at least 2.

And what in the world were you thinking by dropping the Panthers D? They should have been on the ESPN undroppable list and you dropped them for a BYE week as if there were people on your bench that you needed to keep.

You realize that that defense was like your 3^rd highest scoring asset, right? That’s like if Melinda dropped Todd Gurley. What were you thinking, Matt?

Go up and look at the number next to your team name. That’s not because of your jersey number, Matthew, that’s because you’ve dropped 10 spots in 10 weeks. That has never happened. If you drop one more spot then you become the first team to be ranked first and last in the same season.

Don’t let this happen to you Matt. You need to believe in yourself and get a win or two. Oh, and never wear a Tech Nine shirt to a big dinner. Have some damn respect.

PLAYOFF CHANCES:

Matt is systematically eliminated from playoffs.

12.) (LW #12) Staff Infection, 2-9 [87.55 PPG, 1.182 NPRP]

Curtis just mailed in the back half of the season, so I’m going to mail in this post.

You have so many good players, Curt. Maybe if you played every week you’d be doing better.

PLAYOFF CHANCES:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Nick's Power Rankings - RIVALRY WEEK

“A wise man learns from his enemies than a fool from his friends.”

It’s finally rivalry week, ladies and gents, which means that not only are we halfway through the season, but we are about to have the most exciting week thus far. Every game this week is big. Every win is important. And every point brings you closer to the $60 Rivalry Week prize.

That’s right, the highest scoring team this week brings home our very first cash prize. This isn’t DraftKings, this is your teams shot to earn bragging rights and some greenbacks. Below is our super power rankings, detailing each rivalry and the significance of each game. Good luck, and beat those rivals.

1.) (LW #1) Team Flood Gates, 6-1 [105.29 PPG, .208 NPRP]

Ryan entered this league thinking it would be a cakewalk. Sure, he had played fantasy before, but this is a real league. Yes, we always make fun of the dumb decisions that are made, but take a look at the waiver wire: This league is active and this league wants to win.

Ryan’s bid for an undefeated season died early, but since then he has been on an absolute tear. He scored 486 points in the span of 4 games. Such a feat is up there with the 506 scored by Rank This is 2014, and the 483 scored by Super Flash Bros. in 2014, and the countless others that started off hot. The numbers are great, the team is talented, but others have done it. And who is the player on track to do it next?

Fellow newcomer Eddie Boyadjian, Ryan’s rival.

Eddie and Ryan were matched up because they had no prior history in this league. They were fresh, they were sparkly-eyed. These boys had never seen the terrors of war.

And now, not only are they more hardened, but both of them have been performing valiantly. Now they will step into the same arena for this first time ever in what is my rivalry game of the week.

What makes this game so great is the high scoring by both teams despite an apparent knowledge of football. Ryan is 3^rd in scoring at 105 PPG while Eddie comes in 1^st with an astounding 110 PPG, numbers we haven’t seen since the legend of the Super Flash Bros. (RIP).

But Ryan’s light has been dying quickly, he just hasn’t wanted to admit it. He can no longer rest his laurels on being the highest scoring, or the team with the highest points against. In fact, Ryan went into last week and only eat the worst team in the league by one point. Granted it was without his star player: The Broncos’ entire 53-man roster. But even though Ryan won the game, he lost his cocky persona for just long enough that the league saw blood.

A 75 point game isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you. Some up us have scored 60-pointers, even a 50-pointer here and there (and in 3 cases, a 40-bomb). But Ryan did not come out of this bragging about dominance. Instead, he stayed quiet like Richard Sherman after the Super Bowl loss. “Maybe if I don’t say anything,” he thought, “they’ll leave me alone in the blog.”

YOU WERE WRONG BOY. I hope you had a nice little taste of crap, because I cannot wait to see you drop Peyton like the sack of suck that he is this year. I’ll leave the rest of the roast for your next loss, but we’re chomping at the bit here at Power Ranking HQ.

Looking a little deeper into this matchup, we should really appreciate the fact that one of these teams gets to lose. Ryan is currently one game in first place the East while Eddie is one game behind in the West. We also get to see what happens when the Broncos play a real powerhouse. Will Manning prove he’s still elite? Or will Ryan’s team logo become Manning face for the remainder of the season?

2.) (LW #2) CC's Gurley Girl, 5-2 [108.86 PPG, .199 NPRP]

The rivalry we look forward to every year seems like it will only let us down this year. The game that makes us question what we know about love, the Cold War of the Captain’s League, the Iron Bowl of the Brown residence: Robert vs Melinda.

Just one week removed from their wedding anniversary, the two lovers must do battle once again for the prize of who gets to give Sarah her dessert. But this year, the storied bloodbath seems to have lost it’s edge. Melinda, in her third consecutive season of floating around 2^nd place, faces off against her injured husband.

Melinda averages a Power Ranking of 2.143, the highest all-time. She boasts an all-time record of 22-11, the highest all-time (of teams with at least one year played). Most importantly, however, Lindy leads her husband 5-1 in their rivalry together, stemming all the way back to when they were in Oakland before the great relocation that started the Captain’s League.

Melinda is definitely the Queen Bitch of this rivalry, leading Mr. Brown 645 points to 518, and yet Melinda has never made it to the Championship game like her beloved husband has. Through thick and thin, Robert will always be able to hold that over her like a bottle of Don P that she cannot reach. Will this be her year?

The ladies all hope so

Melinda comes into this rivalry week boasting an impressive 5-2 record and (once again) ranking 2^nd in points scored. Yet, still she remains one game behind. One game is all she needs to move into first place. One game is all she needs to once again prove to the misogynists that a woman can run the league.

Even as a 22-point favorite, Melinda needs to treat this one game like it is her championship, because if she slips then that trophy may be just out of her 5’9” reach once again.

3.) (LW #4) Fast Eddie, 4-3 [110.86 PPG, .185 NPRP]

Like I pointed out above, Eddie’s rivalry week matchup is my favorite this year. Eddie came into this season not knowing a lick about fantasy football. I mean, he still doesn’t know that he doesn’t have to outright drop players.

And yet, we are faced with the reality that Eddie is in 2^nd place in his division and is on pace to score the 2^nd most points in League history. Even with James Jones, 2 Colts wide receivers, a running back corps that would make the Titans cringe, and a general lack of understanding, Eddie is doing the impossible.

After being down by  at least 60 last week going into the first half of the morning games, Eddie mounted a comeback so absurd that it made LL Cool J blush. Then Eddie added the icing to the cake.

Eddie showed up to the Brown residence at 1:45pm, fashionably late for the Raider afternoon game against the Chargers. I didn’t want to look at Eddie out of fear that he would take away some of my luck to add to his own, but I could have sworn he was in Gucci flip flops.

Alas, Eddie arrived to the house of glory like a peacock in mating season. His colorful feathers were up, and it was time to sing the song of his people and assert his dominance.

“Luck went crazy, huh? Haha!” Eddie had thus begun a roast that I could not even begin to outdo.

Eddie took a peek at the fantasy scoreboard (with full knowledge that he was winning in his game against the master of the house, Robert) and said directly to Sean, “WOW! Lindy’s killing it, huh?” Sean was down by 50 points with Lindy’s QB still left to play. Two men had been shot in front of me. They lay bleeding and sucking onto their last breaths as Eddie sat back down and reloaded his brandished pistol before relieving Robert of his misery.

“I really think you won this one.”

And with that, I sat in horror as I watched my own father murdered in his own house. Yes, he stands and breathes, but I witnessed something truly evil when part of his soul was taken from him by the bandito himself: Fast Eddie.

All across the west we hear maidens weep his name like a curse word in their parched throats: Fast Eddie.

The Devil is real, and his name is Fast Eddie.

Corey Hewett, a historian of league shade, pointed out that at one point before the season, Eddie was quoted as saying “I don’t think I have a rival.” Now it is abundantly clear that Eddie has been sharpening his blade for years in the hopes of eliminating the entire Brown family.

But before Eddie can continue his systematic destruction of the Browns, his rival stands in his path. It may be one of the most poetic midseason games we have ever had.

Eddie has no records. He has no past. All Eddie has is the future he continues to build with this one game. Will he go down as the slayer of targets? A hitman destined to eliminate all those who doubt his speed? Or will he go down a has-been whose potential was squandered on games that didn’t matter? The only one to answer that question will be Eddie himself.

4.) (LW #3) Judge Richard Berman's Team, 5-2 [96.14 PPG, .175 NPRP]

William Brown is a former champion, college student, and professional shit talker. Despite those accolades, he has the 2^nd lowest average power ranking in League history, along with a disappointing career record of 21-25.

In fact, Will’s only real success came in 2012 when he went on a 5-game win streak to win the title after a few questionable trades with Corey. Will has always questioned power, and that is no fault of his, but I think it’s time we question the power he claims to hold on this league.

This is Will’s best start to date. We often place everyone in order of skill in our heads as a way to remind ourselves on who the predators in this league are as opposed to the prey. Historically, the powerhouses are Melinda, myself, Dave, Cheryl, and Will (with Robert during even years). But does Will deserve to be in that company?

If what I have just said is true, then that leaves the prey to be Corey, Matt, and Curtis (Sean is a push as he isn’t prey but has yet to take that final step into greatness. Sean is Derrick Rose). And yet, Will is 2-4 all-time against his rival, Natty Ice himself (no spelling error, there), Matt Smith.

The funny thing is, even though Matt leads the series 4-2, Will leads in points a resounding 639 to 555. That’s right. Will is a quagmire. He brings it against better teams, but he leaves himself open for upsets from the weak. Will used to open every season with a Week 1 loss to Matt, and this year he looks to avenge his 3 opening losses.

Not only that, but Will is looking to reach playoffs for the 1^st time since he won his Elite 8 championship in 2012. He currently sits at 3^rd place in the divison, but maintains a 3 game lead over the the 4^th place Curtis Smith. The only way someone in this division loses their spot in the playoffs is if they choke it all away.

Will may find himself beginning that downward slide with a 5^th loss to his rival. He may lose a game that we all know he shouldn’t and question his own place in the elite of this league. That might bring about the end of his comeback.

Or, Will can se this opportunity to do it to Matt so good that Matt prints out another draft sheet and starts preparing for next season. He could hit Matt so hard that it sends the league a simple message: “I’m coming.”

5.) (LW #6) Laced Jam, 5-2 [94.86 PPG, .173 NPRP]

The greatest American president once taught us to “forgive our enemies, but never forget their names.”

We have all seen our fair share of rivalry games over the years. We all watched the Michigan-Michigan State finish. We all remember the field goal return by Auburn to win the Iron Bowl. We’ve seen the way the sun does battle with the moon for control of our Nevada skies.

And yet, no other date on the calendar is more circles worldwide that that of the Nick Brown-Corey Hewett rivalry.

When we arrive in Heaven, St. Peter will look us in the eyes and ask, “Brown or Hewett?”

The day has come, and what a day it will be.

Nick currently has the most points scored all-time in this league. He has the greatest season ever recorded (11-2 in 2012), and he has the second-highest power ranking average of all-time. To counter, Corey has the worst record all-time for a team that has played more than one season. He has averaged a spot in the bottom 2 spots in the league power ranking since the league’s inception in 2012.

Corey once scored 45 points in a game, the second fewest all-time. In this bitter rivalry alone, he is being outscored by almost 100 points: 698 to 603. And yet, despite having all the stats stacked against him, Corey had one game.

For those of you who don’t remember, Corey put up 160 points against Nick in Week 13 of last season, defeating him by 26 and preventing him from reaching the playoffs, the only time he has ever missed.

That win was Corey’s first in 4 years of playing Nick, giving him control of the crown for the first time ever.

I have awaited this rematch for what feels like much longer than a year. And, while I lost my beloved Arian Foster for the season, I am gearing up for a war. I don’t care what the final score is; I only care about getting that crown back.

6.) (LW #6) Joe Buck Yourself, 3-4 [96.43 PPG, .147 NPRP]

Sean rounds out the pack of teams projected to make playoffs by coming in at 6^th despite a loss to the Queen Bitch, Melinda.

Sean was one of the few to vote against Rivalry Week at this season’s Rules Summit. Once it was voted in and Sean was asked who he wanted to play, he responded that he “didn’t care.”

His lack of caring led to me doing research on Sean’s potential rival. What I discovered was a little interesting. Sean has reached playoffs just once back in 2012. He lost in the first round to his own father and has not made it back since. However, Sean has the 4^th best record all-time in the history of the league (27-19). So what is keeping him out of the upper echelon? What is preventing Sean from taking that final step into the ranks of the elite? What is the callous being that has rejected Sean from receiving the respect he deserves?

One man: Curtis Smith.

Curtis, surprisingly, is 4-2 against Sean all-time. Curtis has outscored Sean 587-551, the smallest margin amongst rivals. Whether he likes it or not, this is the closest rivalry in League History.

But history runs deep in this game as well. As I’m sure we all remember, in 2004 Sean got a migraine. Sean was laying in his room trying to nap when there was a knock at the door. When he opened it, a young Will and Curtis ran as fast as they could laughing their little hearts out. Sean then slammed his door and tried to nap a second time. Again, there were little knocks on the door followed by the pitter-patter of little feet as Will and Curtis ran away.

Sean stood in the doorway, red in the face. “If you knock one more time I’m going to shoot you!” he shouted, but it fell on deaf ears. Sean loaded his airsoft gun and knelt in wait of Curtis’ return.

Down the hall, Curtis was living the dream. Not once, but twice had he escaped Sean’s wrath. Twice he had knock-and-ditched, and now he wanted to add to the thrill. Not only was he going to knock, but he was going to scream “Broncos rule!” just to egg Sean on further.

“No, I don’t think we should,” said a 9 year old Will, wise beyond his years. “He said he’s going to shoot us.”

“No he won’t,” replied a 10 year old Curtis, seeking a pain he did not understand.

Curtis ran back to Sean’s door, giggling with every step. As he knocked again, Sean pulled the door open…

“BRONCOS RU-“ POP!

Sean shot once, with the shot hitting Curtis square in the chest. Curtis turned and ran, making it to the bottom of the stairs before taking another BB to the back. The impact (and balance of a 10 year old) caused Curtis to roll at the bottom of the stairs before running out the front door to safety.

Neither Sean nor Curtis will ever forget that tragic day, but now it is Sean’s turn to unleash his fantasy team, to unleash Emmanuel Sanders on his bitter and storied rival before quietly whispering…”Broncos suck.”

I asked Sean if he had any messages for Curtis, and in Sean Brown fashion, he left me with something simple:

“Tell him to set a lineup, and that I’m coming after him with every airsoft gun I have…When I kick his ass this weekend, I want to make sure he has a full lineup.”

7.) (LW #8) Rank This, 4-3 [87.29 PPG, .146 NPRP]

Many people (myself included) have called this an off-year for Dave. His numbers aren’t great and he’s struggled recently to get any wins. But Dave is not a simple opponent to describe.

Sometimes we forget that Dave has a championship ring. We forget that he has survived the trials of the playoffs. We especially forget that he struggled to score points that year.

Dave is 20-13 all-time in this league. That means that, despite never being a high-scoring team, Dave wins about 60% of his games. And, while he has remained in the bottom half of the league this year, the return of his Big weapon means a possible return to the playoffs.

The first game that Dave will have with Big Ben back, and the first game to mark his comeback to playoff contention, will so aptly be against his rival, defending champion Cheryl Smith.

This league has seen husbands and wives face off before. We’ve seen Dave and Cheryl play once already this season, but we’ve never seen a rematch of last year’s championship during rivalry week.

For those who somehow forgot, Dave was the defending champion to make it back to the title game only to fall to his wife (and rival). That loss in the championship evened up these two all-time at 2-2. Cheryl leads in scoring, though, 436-383.

Not only is Dave looking to take the lead in this rivalry, not only is he looking to get his season back on track and make the run for an unheard of 3^rd straight title game, but Dave is also trying to avenge his hardest loss in this league.

While I don’t expect a high-scoring bonanza in this rivalry match, the stakes are enough that we’ll have to keep an eye on it to see which Smith reigns supreme.

8.) (LW #9) Staff Infection, 2-5 [91.43 PPG, .125 NPRP]

As I detailed above, Curtis is not to be trifled with this week. While Curtis started off the season on a terrible note, he’s done his best to come back and make a playoff run.

After 7 weeks, Curtis sits 3 games back of a playoff spot. And with half a season left to go, he cannot afford to lose. His rival, perennial dark horse Sean Brown, lays only 1 game back of a spot of his own. Both teams are desperate for a big game.

Curtis, despite being 16-30 all-time, is 4-2 against Sean. Curtis has the 2^nd worst record in league history amongst active teams and the 3^rd worst all-time power ranking of all active teams.  But the one thing we know about him is that, while we may question his effort, we don’t question his courage. Curtis has faced airsoft guns, blowouts, and close games over the years and yet he keeps coming back.

Curtis x2

For those of you with poor memories, Curtis was #1 in the preseason power rankings. Despite a week 1 win, Curtis fell to 6^th and has continued to fall since. With only 2 wins on the season and only 91 PPG, Curtis has still topped over 100 points for three straight weeks. As you would expect, he’s hoping to continue that streak this week.

After all the history and disrespect between Curtis and Sean, I asked Curtis if he had any words for his rival.

His response? “Nah, he’s below my pay grade.”

9.) (LW #7) Wiggity Wiggity Wack, 3-4 [81.14 PPG, .123 NPRP]

When Rivalry Week was first approved, Cheryl was the first to jump at the idea. She was excited. She wanted to play on a big stage. And who was the person she was most excited to play?

Me, but Dave was second on the list I’m sure.

Awkward

Cheryl has had an intriguing history in the Captain’s League. She is the defending champion. She snuck into the playoffs last year after coming back over the second half of the season, something she must do once again.

Amazingly, Cheryl is 16-17 all-time, and was 13-13 coming into the season. You wouldn’t expect her to struggle like this, but I think she likes the pressure of knowing that the season rides on every game she plays. Now she must face-off against her beloved husband in a Championship rematch. We all had this game circled on our calendars to start the season, and even though the context is different than we expected, the stakes remain the same.

Who is better between her and Dave? The numbers argue they’re even. Dave has a better overall record and has made playoffs twice. Cheryl has scored more points and beat him in the Championship straight up. It’s fun to debate, and it’s more fun to watch them play.

The loser of this game will likely fall out of their spot in the playoff hunt and, while it’s entirely possible for both to still make playoffs, it will exponentially increase the degree of difficulty for them to make it. If Cheryl wants to repeat her success of last season, then this is a must-win game for her.

10.) (LW #10) Talkin Bout Mockdrafts?, 2-5 [85.57 PPG, .117 NPRP]

Matt struggles historically. His overall record over the last 4 years lies at 20-26, half a season under .500. Matt averages a spot in the bottom half of the league. Matt has 3 of the 6 lowest scoring outings in league history. It has been a long 4 years for the kid.

The man gets stomped on

And yet, he’s never lost in Week One. For three straight seasons, Matt has taken care of business to kick off the season against his rival: Will.

He comes in with a 4-2 record against Will, and with that winning record comes a heap of disrespect.

When asked if he had any words for Will, Matt had nothing specific. All he wanted anyone to know is that “that’s not my gig. I just win games.”

20-26 Matthew Smith just wins games.

Matt looks to win his 3^rd game of the season in Week 8 against an opponent that he historically gets lucky against. Will has only once hit 100 points against Matt (and won). But Matt isn’t focused on getting 100 points, Matt’s only focused on scoring 89 points, something he hasn’t done since Week 3.

Will Matt continue his season of tribulations? Or will he finally get back on track and continue his triumphs against a hated opponent on this particularly spooky weekend?

11.) (LW #12) Mr Rodgers Neighborhood, 2-5 [84.29 PPG, .115 NPRP]

What is there to say about Robert Brown? He’s 2-5, he sits at 4^th place in his division (3 games back), and he suffered the biggest heartbreak of his career last weekend against Eddie.

The guy is a veteran, but sometimes even a seasoned vet will face things they haven’t seen before. Is he deflated? Has he given up on the season?

As I pointed out earlier, Robert Brown is the San Francisco Giants of Fantasy Football: He’s always good, but every odd year he has a tough season. On even years? You might as well scratch the man a spot in the playoffs from the get-go.

Unfortunately, this is 2015 and Mr. Rodgers’ Neighborhood is succumbing to the rigors of a losing season. Luckily, a matchup against his wife is just what the doctor ordered.

Watch out for his feet, Lindy

The return of Big Ben not only helps out Dave, it helps out Antonio and Robert Brown as well, once again proving that Big Ben has no respect for the women. The return of Antonio Brown’s studliness means a points boost for this squad and such a boost could be exactly what Bob needs to knock out a win on his wife.

If he does get the win, they we can’t consider this team out of it. Antonio Brown is back and we can be sure that we haven’t heard the last of him.

12.) (LW #11) Roger Goodell's Team, 1-6 [90.29 PPG, .110 NPRP]

I can still smell the air.

I was sitting on a beach under the cloudy night sky. The sands were cold and damp where I traced my fingers in circles only to lose the halos to the eternity of that high tide. My hood was up to keep myself warm as I braced against the cold westward winds.

In the distance you could hear voices, joyous and full of youth. You could still hear the crackle of the bonfire just down the beach where all signs of life seemed to take shelter once the sun had set. But it was dark now, and the purity of such life was lost with the sunken sun.

But I wasn’t alone. As I sat, thoughtlessly tracing my fingers and taking in the night, so another sat motionless just out of reach. They too sat with their blue hood up, shaking just slightly more than I.

“I’m sorry,” was all he seemed to muster up, and I’ll never know if he meant it.

Someone once said to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I’ve thought about that saying a lot over the past 6 years or so, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a little too simple to describe Corey.

A traitor isn’t necessarily your enemy. Sometimes people you care about will place themselves first and do things that hurt you. It’s human nature. Throughout the course of life you will meet people that will lie, or steal, or harm you in some way without considering the repercussions or the harm inflicted upon you.

Corey didn’t know it that night, but he asked for some serious repercussions when he betrayed me.

This is the reason why we play for Catherine’s Crown. This is why the rivalry was born. This is why we shed blood, sweat, and tears for this game every season.

But as we enter Rivalry Week, the stakes for this game are much higher. Where we used to play twice a year, this will be our only meeting in 2015. This is the only opportunity to win the crown, and for me, it is my only chance at revenge.

Corey and I have played against one another 8 times over the years. I have won 7 of those meetings. The only loss I ever suffered at his filthy hands was in the final week of last season, where Corey scored a career high 160 points to best me by 26. Not only did he steal my crown, but he eliminated me from playoffs, forcing me to sit as my team outscored every other team that had made it in my place.

Over the years we have become close. The past is the past and we have moved forward, but as we’ve bonded over the years there’s just one thing that Corey hasn’t really grasped about me:

I am one vengeful, ruthless enemy to make.

This is not some normal matchup for me. This isn’t a game anymore. As I head into Week 8 against a man who seems driven on taking from me, I will eliminate mercy from my vocabulary almost as swiftly as I eliminate his team.

I can still see his eyes: fearful. I can still hear the trembling in the apology. He thought back then that he had crossed a line and would pay for it dearly…and in a round about way, he was right. But my wrath will not be nearly as soft or as swift as he feared that night. This will be a brutal and a meticulous decimation of all of Corey’s hopes and dreams before I finally finish his team off.

Corey, I hope you open your eyes to the brutal sunlight that signified the ending of that fateful night some years ago. I hope you open your eyes and you’re filled with hope: Hope that you will never so much as think about harming another person all the days of your life. Hope that perhaps mankind is good, and that hatred and selfishness are what brought evil into our lives. Hope that perhaps you will arise a new man with the revelation of God’s love after I thoroughly cleanse you with this ass whooping on Sunday.

Strap up, boy, because you brought piss to a shit fight.  

 Prepare to get blended