“A wise man learns from his enemies than a
fool from his friends.”
It’s finally rivalry week, ladies and
gents, which means that not only are we halfway through the season, but we are
about to have the most exciting week thus far. Every game this week is big.
Every win is important. And every point brings you closer to the $60 Rivalry
Week prize.
That’s right, the highest scoring team this
week brings home our very first cash prize. This isn’t DraftKings, this is your
teams shot to earn bragging rights and some greenbacks. Below is our super
power rankings, detailing each rivalry and the significance of each game. Good
luck, and beat those rivals.
1.) (LW #1) Team Flood Gates, 6-1 [105.29 PPG, .208 NPRP]
Ryan entered this league thinking it would
be a cakewalk. Sure, he had played fantasy before, but this is a real league.
Yes, we always make fun of the dumb decisions that are made, but take a look at
the waiver wire: This league is active and this league wants to win.
Ryan’s bid for an undefeated season died
early, but since then he has been on an absolute tear. He scored 486 points in
the span of 4 games. Such a feat is up there with the 506 scored by Rank This
is 2014, and the 483 scored by Super Flash Bros. in 2014, and the countless
others that started off hot. The numbers are great, the team is talented, but
others have done it. And who is the player on track to do it next?
Fellow newcomer Eddie Boyadjian, Ryan’s
rival.
Eddie and Ryan were matched up because they
had no prior history in this league. They were fresh, they were sparkly-eyed.
These boys had never seen the terrors of war.
And now, not only are they more hardened,
but both of them have been performing valiantly. Now they will step into the
same arena for this first time ever in what is my rivalry game of the week.
What makes this game so great is the high
scoring by both teams despite an apparent knowledge of football. Ryan is 3rd
in scoring at 105 PPG while Eddie comes in 1st with an astounding
110 PPG, numbers we haven’t seen since the legend of the Super Flash Bros.
(RIP).
But Ryan’s light has been dying quickly, he
just hasn’t wanted to admit it. He can no longer rest his laurels on being the
highest scoring, or the team with the highest points against. In fact, Ryan
went into last week and only eat the worst team in the league by one point.
Granted it was without his star player: The Broncos’ entire 53-man roster. But
even though Ryan won the game, he lost his cocky persona for just long enough
that the league saw blood.
A 75 point game isn’t the worst thing that
could happen to you. Some up us have scored 60-pointers, even a 50-pointer here
and there (and in 3 cases, a 40-bomb). But Ryan did not come out of this
bragging about dominance. Instead, he stayed quiet like Richard Sherman after
the Super Bowl loss. “Maybe if I don’t say anything,” he thought, “they’ll
leave me alone in the blog.”
YOU WERE WRONG BOY. I hope you had a nice
little taste of crap, because I cannot wait to see you drop Peyton like the
sack of suck that he is this year. I’ll leave the rest of the roast for your
next loss, but we’re chomping at the bit here at Power Ranking HQ.
Looking a little deeper into this matchup,
we should really appreciate the fact that one of these teams gets to lose. Ryan
is currently one game in first place the East while Eddie is one game behind in
the West. We also get to see what happens when the Broncos play a real
powerhouse. Will Manning prove he’s still elite? Or will Ryan’s team logo
become Manning face for the remainder of the season?
2.) (LW #2) CC's Gurley Girl, 5-2 [108.86 PPG, .199 NPRP]
The rivalry we look forward to every year
seems like it will only let us down this year. The game that makes us question
what we know about love, the Cold War of the Captain’s League, the Iron Bowl of
the Brown residence: Robert vs Melinda.
Just one week removed from their wedding
anniversary, the two lovers must do battle once again for the prize of who gets
to give Sarah her dessert. But this year, the storied bloodbath seems to have
lost it’s edge. Melinda, in her third consecutive season of floating around 2nd
place, faces off against her injured husband.
Melinda averages a Power Ranking of 2.143,
the highest all-time. She boasts an all-time record of 22-11, the highest
all-time (of teams with at least one year played). Most importantly, however,
Lindy leads her husband 5-1 in their rivalry together, stemming all the way
back to when they were in Oakland before the great relocation that started the
Captain’s League.
Melinda is definitely the Queen Bitch of
this rivalry, leading Mr. Brown 645 points to 518, and yet Melinda has never
made it to the Championship game like her beloved husband has. Through thick
and thin, Robert will always be able to hold that over her like a bottle of Don
P that she cannot reach. Will this be her year?
The ladies all hope so
Melinda comes into this rivalry week
boasting an impressive 5-2 record and (once again) ranking 2nd in
points scored. Yet, still she remains one game behind. One game is all she
needs to move into first place. One game is all she needs to once again prove
to the misogynists that a woman can run the league.
Even as a 22-point favorite, Melinda needs
to treat this one game like it is her championship, because if she slips then
that trophy may be just out of her 5’9” reach once again.
3.) (LW #4) Fast Eddie, 4-3 [110.86 PPG, .185 NPRP]
Like I pointed out above, Eddie’s rivalry
week matchup is my favorite this year. Eddie came into this season not knowing
a lick about fantasy football. I mean, he still doesn’t know that he doesn’t
have to outright drop players.
And yet, we are faced with the reality that
Eddie is in 2nd place in his division and is on pace to score the 2nd
most points in League history. Even with James Jones, 2 Colts wide receivers, a
running back corps that would make the Titans cringe, and a general lack of
understanding, Eddie is doing the impossible.
After being down by at least 60 last week going into the first
half of the morning games, Eddie mounted a comeback so absurd that it made LL
Cool J blush. Then Eddie added the icing to the cake.
Eddie showed up to the Brown residence at
1:45pm, fashionably late for the Raider afternoon game against the Chargers. I
didn’t want to look at Eddie out of fear that he would take away some of my
luck to add to his own, but I could have sworn he was in Gucci flip flops.
Alas, Eddie arrived to the house of glory
like a peacock in mating season. His colorful feathers were up, and it was time
to sing the song of his people and assert his dominance.
“Luck went crazy, huh? Haha!” Eddie had thus
begun a roast that I could not even begin to outdo.
Eddie took a peek at the fantasy scoreboard
(with full knowledge that he was winning in his game against the master of the
house, Robert) and said directly to Sean, “WOW! Lindy’s killing it, huh?” Sean
was down by 50 points with Lindy’s QB still left to play. Two men had been shot
in front of me. They lay bleeding and sucking onto their last breaths as Eddie
sat back down and reloaded his brandished pistol before relieving Robert of his
misery.
“I really think you won this one.”
And with that, I sat in horror as I watched
my own father murdered in his own house. Yes, he stands and breathes, but I
witnessed something truly evil when part of his soul was taken from him by the
bandito himself: Fast Eddie.
All across the west we hear maidens weep
his name like a curse word in their parched throats: Fast Eddie.
The Devil is real, and his name is Fast
Eddie.
Corey Hewett, a historian of league shade,
pointed out that at one point before the season, Eddie was quoted as saying “I
don’t think I have a rival.” Now it is abundantly clear that Eddie has been
sharpening his blade for years in the hopes of eliminating the entire Brown
family.
But before Eddie can continue his
systematic destruction of the Browns, his rival stands in his path. It may be
one of the most poetic midseason games we have ever had.
Eddie has no records. He has no past. All
Eddie has is the future he continues to build with this one game. Will he go
down as the slayer of targets? A hitman destined to eliminate all those who
doubt his speed? Or will he go down a has-been whose potential was squandered
on games that didn’t matter? The only one to answer that question will be Eddie
himself.
4.) (LW #3) Judge Richard Berman's Team, 5-2 [96.14 PPG, .175 NPRP]
William Brown is a former champion, college
student, and professional shit talker. Despite those accolades, he has the 2nd
lowest average power ranking in League history, along with a disappointing
career record of 21-25.
In fact, Will’s only real success came in
2012 when he went on a 5-game win streak to win the title after a few
questionable trades with Corey. Will has always questioned power, and that is
no fault of his, but I think it’s time we question the power he claims to hold
on this league.
This is Will’s best start to date. We often
place everyone in order of skill in our heads as a way to remind ourselves on
who the predators in this league are as opposed to the prey. Historically, the
powerhouses are Melinda, myself, Dave, Cheryl, and Will (with Robert during
even years). But does Will deserve to be in that company?
If what I have just said is true, then that
leaves the prey to be Corey, Matt, and Curtis (Sean is a push as he isn’t prey
but has yet to take that final step into greatness. Sean is Derrick Rose). And
yet, Will is 2-4 all-time against his rival, Natty Ice himself (no spelling
error, there), Matt Smith.
The funny thing is, even though Matt leads
the series 4-2, Will leads in points a resounding 639 to 555. That’s right.
Will is a quagmire. He brings it against better teams, but he leaves himself
open for upsets from the weak. Will used to open every season with a Week 1
loss to Matt, and this year he looks to avenge his 3 opening losses.
Not only that, but Will is looking to reach
playoffs for the 1st time since he won his Elite 8 championship in
2012. He currently sits at 3rd place in the divison, but maintains a
3 game lead over the the 4th place Curtis Smith. The only way
someone in this division loses their spot in the playoffs is if they choke it
all away.
Will may find himself beginning that
downward slide with a 5th loss to his rival. He may lose a game that
we all know he shouldn’t and question his own place in the elite of this
league. That might bring about the end of his comeback.
Or, Will can se this opportunity to do it
to Matt so good that Matt prints out another draft sheet and starts preparing
for next season. He could hit Matt so hard that it sends the league a simple
message: “I’m coming.”
5.) (LW #6) Laced Jam, 5-2 [94.86 PPG, .173 NPRP]
The greatest American president once taught
us to “forgive our enemies, but never forget their names.”
We have all seen our fair share of rivalry
games over the years. We all watched the Michigan-Michigan State finish. We all
remember the field goal return by Auburn to win the Iron Bowl. We’ve seen the
way the sun does battle with the moon for control of our Nevada skies.
And yet, no other date on the calendar is
more circles worldwide that that of the Nick Brown-Corey Hewett rivalry.
When we arrive in Heaven, St. Peter will
look us in the eyes and ask, “Brown or Hewett?”
The day has come, and what a day it will
be.
Nick currently has the most points scored
all-time in this league. He has the greatest season ever recorded (11-2 in
2012), and he has the second-highest power ranking average of all-time. To
counter, Corey has the worst record all-time for a team that has played more
than one season. He has averaged a spot in the bottom 2 spots in the league
power ranking since the league’s inception in 2012.
Corey once scored 45 points in a game, the
second fewest all-time. In this bitter rivalry alone, he is being outscored by
almost 100 points: 698 to 603. And yet, despite having all the stats stacked
against him, Corey had one game.
For those of you who don’t remember, Corey
put up 160 points against Nick in Week 13 of last season, defeating him by 26
and preventing him from reaching the playoffs, the only time he has ever
missed.
That win was Corey’s first in 4 years of
playing Nick, giving him control of the crown for the first time ever.
I have awaited this rematch for what feels
like much longer than a year. And, while I lost my beloved Arian Foster for the
season, I am gearing up for a war. I don’t care what the final score is; I only
care about getting that crown back.
6.) (LW #6) Joe Buck Yourself, 3-4 [96.43 PPG, .147 NPRP]
Sean rounds out the pack of teams projected
to make playoffs by coming in at 6th despite a loss to the Queen
Bitch, Melinda.
Sean was one of the few to vote against
Rivalry Week at this season’s Rules Summit. Once it was voted in and Sean was
asked who he wanted to play, he responded that he “didn’t care.”
His lack of caring led to me doing research
on Sean’s potential rival. What I discovered was a little interesting. Sean has
reached playoffs just once back in 2012. He lost in the first round to his own
father and has not made it back since. However, Sean has the 4th
best record all-time in the history of the league (27-19). So what is keeping
him out of the upper echelon? What is preventing Sean from taking that final
step into the ranks of the elite? What is the callous being that has rejected
Sean from receiving the respect he deserves?
One man: Curtis Smith.
Curtis, surprisingly, is 4-2 against Sean
all-time. Curtis has outscored Sean 587-551, the smallest margin amongst
rivals. Whether he likes it or not, this is the closest rivalry in League
History.
But history runs deep in this game as well.
As I’m sure we all remember, in 2004 Sean got a migraine. Sean was laying in
his room trying to nap when there was a knock at the door. When he opened it, a
young Will and Curtis ran as fast as they could laughing their little hearts
out. Sean then slammed his door and tried to nap a second time. Again, there
were little knocks on the door followed by the pitter-patter of little feet as
Will and Curtis ran away.
Sean stood in the doorway, red in the face.
“If you knock one more time I’m going to shoot you!” he shouted, but it fell on
deaf ears. Sean loaded his airsoft gun and knelt in wait of Curtis’ return.
Down the hall, Curtis was living the dream.
Not once, but twice had he escaped Sean’s wrath. Twice he had
knock-and-ditched, and now he wanted to add to the thrill. Not only was he
going to knock, but he was going to scream “Broncos rule!” just to egg Sean on
further.
“No, I don’t think we should,” said a 9
year old Will, wise beyond his years. “He said he’s going to shoot us.”
“No he won’t,” replied a 10 year old
Curtis, seeking a pain he did not understand.
Curtis ran back to Sean’s door, giggling
with every step. As he knocked again, Sean pulled the door open…
“BRONCOS RU-“ POP!
Sean shot once, with the shot hitting
Curtis square in the chest. Curtis turned and ran, making it to the bottom of
the stairs before taking another BB to the back. The impact (and balance of a
10 year old) caused Curtis to roll at the bottom of the stairs before running
out the front door to safety.
Neither Sean nor Curtis will ever forget
that tragic day, but now it is Sean’s turn to unleash his fantasy team, to unleash
Emmanuel Sanders on his bitter and storied rival before quietly
whispering…”Broncos suck.”
I asked Sean if he had any messages for
Curtis, and in Sean Brown fashion, he left me with something simple:
“Tell him to set a lineup, and that I’m
coming after him with every airsoft gun I have…When I kick his ass this
weekend, I want to make sure he has a full lineup.”
7.) (LW #8) Rank This, 4-3 [87.29 PPG, .146 NPRP]
Many people (myself included) have called
this an off-year for Dave. His numbers aren’t great and he’s struggled recently
to get any wins. But Dave is not a simple opponent to describe.
Sometimes we forget that Dave has a
championship ring. We forget that he has survived the trials of the playoffs.
We especially forget that he struggled to score points that year.
Dave is 20-13 all-time in this league. That
means that, despite never being a high-scoring team, Dave wins about 60% of his
games. And, while he has remained in the bottom half of the league this year,
the return of his Big weapon means a possible return to the playoffs.
The first game that Dave will have with Big
Ben back, and the first game to mark his comeback to playoff contention, will
so aptly be against his rival, defending champion Cheryl Smith.
This league has seen husbands and wives
face off before. We’ve seen Dave and Cheryl play once already this season, but
we’ve never seen a rematch of last year’s championship during rivalry week.
For those who somehow forgot, Dave was the
defending champion to make it back to the title game only to fall to his wife
(and rival). That loss in the championship evened up these two all-time at 2-2.
Cheryl leads in scoring, though, 436-383.
Not only is Dave looking to take the lead
in this rivalry, not only is he looking to get his season back on track and
make the run for an unheard of 3rd straight title game, but Dave is
also trying to avenge his hardest loss in this league.
While I don’t expect a high-scoring bonanza
in this rivalry match, the stakes are enough that we’ll have to keep an eye on
it to see which Smith reigns supreme.
8.) (LW #9) Staff Infection, 2-5 [91.43 PPG, .125 NPRP]
As I detailed above, Curtis is not to be
trifled with this week. While Curtis started off the season on a terrible note,
he’s done his best to come back and make a playoff run.
After 7 weeks, Curtis sits 3 games back of
a playoff spot. And with half a season left to go, he cannot afford to lose.
His rival, perennial dark horse Sean Brown, lays only 1 game back of a spot of
his own. Both teams are desperate for a big game.
Curtis, despite being 16-30 all-time, is
4-2 against Sean. Curtis has the 2nd worst record in league history
amongst active teams and the 3rd worst all-time power ranking of all
active teams. But the one thing we know
about him is that, while we may question his effort, we don’t question his
courage. Curtis has faced airsoft guns, blowouts, and close games over the
years and yet he keeps coming back.
Curtis x2
For those of you with poor memories, Curtis
was #1 in the preseason power rankings. Despite a week 1 win, Curtis fell to 6th
and has continued to fall since. With only 2 wins on the season and only 91
PPG, Curtis has still topped over 100 points for three straight weeks. As you
would expect, he’s hoping to continue that streak this week.
After all the history and disrespect
between Curtis and Sean, I asked Curtis if he had any words for his rival.
His response? “Nah, he’s below my pay
grade.”
9.) (LW #7) Wiggity Wiggity Wack, 3-4 [81.14 PPG, .123 NPRP]
When Rivalry Week was first approved,
Cheryl was the first to jump at the idea. She was excited. She wanted to play
on a big stage. And who was the person she was most excited to play?
Me, but Dave was second on the list I’m
sure.
Awkward
Cheryl has had an intriguing history in the
Captain’s League. She is the defending champion. She snuck into the playoffs
last year after coming back over the second half of the season, something she
must do once again.
Amazingly, Cheryl is 16-17 all-time, and
was 13-13 coming into the season. You wouldn’t expect her to struggle like
this, but I think she likes the pressure of knowing that the season rides on
every game she plays. Now she must face-off against her beloved husband in a
Championship rematch. We all had this game circled on our calendars to start
the season, and even though the context is different than we expected, the
stakes remain the same.
Who is better between her and Dave? The
numbers argue they’re even. Dave has a better overall record and has made
playoffs twice. Cheryl has scored more points and beat him in the Championship
straight up. It’s fun to debate, and it’s more fun to watch them play.
The loser of this game will likely fall out
of their spot in the playoff hunt and, while it’s entirely possible for both to
still make playoffs, it will exponentially increase the degree of difficulty
for them to make it. If Cheryl wants to repeat her success of last season, then
this is a must-win game for her.
10.) (LW #10) Talkin Bout Mockdrafts?, 2-5 [85.57 PPG, .117 NPRP]
Matt struggles historically. His overall
record over the last 4 years lies at 20-26, half a season under .500. Matt
averages a spot in the bottom half of the league. Matt has 3 of the 6 lowest
scoring outings in league history. It has been a long 4 years for the kid.
The man gets stomped on
And yet, he’s never lost in Week One. For three
straight seasons, Matt has taken care of business to kick off the season
against his rival: Will.
He comes in with a 4-2 record against Will,
and with that winning record comes a heap of disrespect.
When asked if he had any words for Will,
Matt had nothing specific. All he wanted anyone to know is that “that’s not my
gig. I just win games.”
20-26 Matthew Smith just wins games.
Matt looks to win his 3rd game
of the season in Week 8 against an opponent that he historically gets lucky
against. Will has only once hit 100 points against Matt (and won). But Matt
isn’t focused on getting 100 points, Matt’s only focused on scoring 89 points,
something he hasn’t done since Week 3.
Will Matt continue his season of
tribulations? Or will he finally get back on track and continue his triumphs
against a hated opponent on this particularly spooky weekend?
11.) (LW #12) Mr Rodgers Neighborhood, 2-5 [84.29 PPG, .115 NPRP]
What is there to say about Robert Brown?
He’s 2-5, he sits at 4th place in his division (3 games back), and
he suffered the biggest heartbreak of his career last weekend against Eddie.
The guy is a veteran, but sometimes even a
seasoned vet will face things they haven’t seen before. Is he deflated? Has he
given up on the season?
As I pointed out earlier, Robert Brown is
the San Francisco Giants of Fantasy Football: He’s always good, but every odd
year he has a tough season. On even years? You might as well scratch the man a
spot in the playoffs from the get-go.
Unfortunately, this is 2015 and Mr.
Rodgers’ Neighborhood is succumbing to the rigors of a losing season. Luckily,
a matchup against his wife is just what the doctor ordered.
Watch out for his feet, Lindy
The return of Big Ben not only helps out
Dave, it helps out Antonio and Robert Brown as well, once again proving that
Big Ben has no respect for the women. The return of Antonio Brown’s studliness
means a points boost for this squad and such a boost could be exactly what Bob
needs to knock out a win on his wife.
If he does get the win, they we can’t
consider this team out of it. Antonio Brown is back and we can be sure that we
haven’t heard the last of him.
12.) (LW #11) Roger Goodell's Team, 1-6 [90.29 PPG, .110 NPRP]
I can still smell the air.
I was sitting on a beach under the cloudy
night sky. The sands were cold and damp where I traced my fingers in circles
only to lose the halos to the eternity of that high tide. My hood was up to
keep myself warm as I braced against the cold westward winds.
In the distance you could hear voices,
joyous and full of youth. You could still hear the crackle of the bonfire just
down the beach where all signs of life seemed to take shelter once the sun had
set. But it was dark now, and the purity of such life was lost with the sunken
sun.
But I wasn’t alone. As I sat, thoughtlessly
tracing my fingers and taking in the night, so another sat motionless just out
of reach. They too sat with their blue hood up, shaking just slightly more than
I.
“I’m sorry,” was all he seemed to muster
up, and I’ll never know if he meant it.
Someone once said to keep your friends close
and your enemies closer. I’ve thought about that saying a lot over the past 6
years or so, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a little too simple to
describe Corey.
A traitor isn’t necessarily your enemy.
Sometimes people you care about will place themselves first and do things that
hurt you. It’s human nature. Throughout the course of life you will meet people
that will lie, or steal, or harm you in some way without considering the
repercussions or the harm inflicted upon you.
Corey didn’t know it that night, but he asked
for some serious repercussions when he betrayed me.
This is the reason why we play for
Catherine’s Crown. This is why the rivalry was born. This is why we shed blood,
sweat, and tears for this game every season.
But as we enter Rivalry Week, the stakes
for this game are much higher. Where we used to play twice a year, this will be
our only meeting in 2015. This is the only opportunity to win the crown, and
for me, it is my only chance at revenge.
Corey and I have played against one another
8 times over the years. I have won 7 of those meetings. The only loss I ever
suffered at his filthy hands was in the final week of last season, where Corey
scored a career high 160 points to best me by 26. Not only did he steal my
crown, but he eliminated me from playoffs, forcing me to sit as my team
outscored every other team that had made it in my place.
Over the years we have become close. The
past is the past and we have moved forward, but as we’ve bonded over the years
there’s just one thing that Corey hasn’t really grasped about me:
I am one vengeful, ruthless enemy to make.
This is not some normal matchup for me.
This isn’t a game anymore. As I head into Week 8 against a man who seems driven
on taking from me, I will eliminate mercy from my vocabulary almost as swiftly
as I eliminate his team.
I can still see his eyes: fearful. I can
still hear the trembling in the apology. He thought back then that he had
crossed a line and would pay for it dearly…and in a round about way, he was right.
But my wrath will not be nearly as soft or as swift as he feared that night.
This will be a brutal and a meticulous decimation of all of Corey’s hopes and
dreams before I finally finish his team off.
Corey, I hope you open your eyes to the
brutal sunlight that signified the ending of that fateful night some years ago.
I hope you open your eyes and you’re filled with hope: Hope that you will never
so much as think about harming another person all the days of your life. Hope
that perhaps mankind is good, and that hatred and selfishness are what brought
evil into our lives. Hope that perhaps you will arise a new man with the
revelation of God’s love after I thoroughly cleanse you with this ass whooping
on Sunday.
Strap up, boy, because you brought piss to
a shit fight.
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