You can’t make this stuff up.
In 2012, Yahoo’s CEO resigned after some
things he made up came to light. Yahoo, one of the larger multimedia
corporations in the United States, hired Scott Thompson as their CEO due to
what they presumed to be an impressive background. However, after looking into
Thompson’s history, they determined that he had lied about obtaining a Master’s
Degree in Computer Science from Stanford, as well as a number of other things
on his resume. Thompson made it all up.
But this? This you can’t make up. For the
first time in League history, the Brown family has a clean sweep of the power
rankings.
That’s right: After a week of movers and
shakers, things settled into place with each Brown family member in places 1-5.
Unbelievable.
You’re going to see some familiar faces in
places where you’d expect them, but you might also see some surprises. Let’s
get into this Week’s Power Rankings.
1.) (LW #5) Judge Richard Berman’s Team, 2-0
[105 PPG, .239 NPRP]
Give it to 'em one time.
The revenge tour continues.
Not only is Will trying to be the first
person to get another ring, not only is he looking to avenge all the disrespect
over the years, but he has to also reclaim his title as the biggest
smack-talker in the league.
Now even though Will dropped his blog last
season after a 6 straight weeks of calling shots (and going 2-4 in the
process), those unfamiliar with Will should know that he has taken the league
by storm in the past as our Randy Moss, saying what’s on his mind whenever he
damn well pleases.
This week, he went a little light, texting
Sean Brown on Sunday about the fact that this blog had he and Sean as the 11th
and 12th place squads in the preseason, and how they scored the most
points this past weekend.
That’s true, Will. You did. However, Sean
had the unfortunate circumstance of his WR1, a second round pick, getting hurt
just mere minutes before the draft. That sucks and there’s not much he could
have done about it. That landed him in last place because he was missing a
significant piece due to, in legal terms, an Act of God.
You, however, spent your 3rd
pick on a WR2 who had been hurt for a little over a week at the time. Did ESPN
lie to you? You bet they did, but you already had the pieces in place to make
up for it.
Don’t get me wrong, taking Edelman one
round later was a prophetic selection, but some of us were really questioning
whether or not you actually paid attention to football. Some might even say it
was the call of the year.
Funnily enough, despite the championship,
Will had never been ranked higher than 3rd in the regular season Rankings
(way back when the league was only 8 people). Is Will good? Yes. But he’s
better when he’s angry.
Next week Will’s gang of Patriots takes on
Melinda and…Gronk. Has Lindy figured out the recipe to take down the top dog
with his own weapon?
2.) (LW #4) Laced Jam, 2-0 [87.5 PPG, .199
NPRP]
Another sub-90 point week, another win.
Call it luck, call it consistent, call it whatever you like.
Despite a goose egg from 1st
round pick Eddie Lacy, Nicky B gets another win heading into week 3 against the
high scoring Eddie Boyadjian.
I know what you’re saying: Look who’s
getting lucky this year! It’s the guy who called out Dave when his garbage team
won the championship. It’s the guy who bemoaned Corey’s win at the end of last
year to eliminate him from playoff contention (a playoff he would have
dominated). And you know what?
You’re right. I’ve gotten TOTALLY lucky
this year. It’s magical, isn’t it? Last year I only scored fewer than 90 points
twice, and I’ve already matched that this year!!! And I’m undefeated!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What a time to be alive.
A toast to the undefeated
Still, this isn’t a bad team. 4
starting-caliber running backs, a nice QB, a serviceable Tight End…and then
there’s AJ Green, who hasn’t even begun to blossom. I’m excited!
I think it’s also funny that I scored 1
point more in Week 2 than I did in Week 1. If I keep this up then I’ll be
putting up 100 PPG by playoffs. Not bad at all.
This week it’s Eddie’s turn to test fate.
Personally, I think Eddie has a good team, but something tells me that my team
might finally decide to score some points…
3.) (LW #9) Joe Buck Yourself, 1-1 [104.5 PPG,
.178 NPRP]
Sean was supposed to be at the bottom. Sean
wasn’t supposed to be able to score points. Sean wasn’t supposed to win games.
And now, here he is.
The second highest scoring team in the
league is the oldest of the Brown brothers, and boy has he been kicking ass.
For those of you that don’t know, Sean has
had probably the hardest road out of anyone in the league. Being the only Brown
child to grow up on a farm, live in Roswell, and partake in child labor before
Congress banned it, Sean has endured.
Most importantly, though, Sean has endured
3 straight winning seasons with only 1 playoff appearance. He’s the Cincinnati
Bengals: He’s close, but he can’t quite get there.
But now here he is: Coming into Week 3 in
the best spot he’s been in at this point in the year. Things are starting to
possibly look up for him.
And it hasn’t been luck, either, Sean’s had
to put in hard work and long hours to be here. After unfortunately drafting
Jordy Nelson in the second round, it’s amazing that he’d be doing this well
this early.
However, while he’s been making a lot of
smart moves on the market, he made one this morning that wasn’t so smart…
This morning Sean traded his kicker for
Austin Seferian-Jenkins, TE for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. It sounds good.
Kickers are replaceable and Sean really wanted this guy, but then the news came
in…
Austin Seferian-Jenkins is out for 4-6
weeks with a shoulder sprain. Yikes.
Can this guy avoid injuries for a week!? We
spend all this time pitying Corey and his team when we should be focusing on
Sean and the cruelty that always seems to cripple his squad. What did he do to
deserve this?!?
This is what it's like rooting for Sean
No matter what fate throws at him, though,
we know that Sean will persevere. Without the passive aggressiveness of his
mother and brother, he will take hits and keep swinging.
This week’s victim? Cheryl Smith, the
reigning champion. Word on the street is that Sean has some unfinished business
with the woman who has helped keep him out of the playoffs in years past. Sean
also looks to continue his unbeaten streak all-time against Cheryl.
4.) (LW #8) Lindy’s Lynch Mob, 1-1 [92.5 PPG,
.158 NPRP]
The racists survive and advance.
Coming into Monday Night, Lindy was tied
with the floundering and unparticipatory Curtis Smith, the Man with no past and
no kicker. However, with her bench out scoring Curtis’, she would have easily
won the tiebreaker.
With just the Jets defense to go (against
the Colts), she decided to let it ride. It was a move that had veterans around
the league questioning her decision making. Like Pete Carroll in the Super
Bowl, Melinda laid it all on the line for nothing more than poetic victory on
top of actual victory.
Even with Marshawn Lynch, Melinda thought this was a good idea
Luckily for her, one of the most electric
offenses in the league decided to have a crappy day (again) in primetime and
she was able to come away with both.
These guys would be proud
It’s truly been a riveting 2 weeks for
Lindy: Despite the 1-1 start and the perpetual “I’m just going to be the worst
team this year” prediction, she’s one of the highest scoring teams in the
league with a chance to knock off #1 this weekend.
Still though, you have to feel for the girl
with a top running back, the best tight end in the league, the most coveted
free agent QB last week, and a wide receiver who got his worst game out of the
way while she dismantled her opponent despite the lack of need to. It’s hard
being good at fantasy football.
Could she use a little depth? Absolutely,
can’t we all? But more importantly, she needs to learn to take her wins and
show a little confidence in a league where she has the best record all-time.
5.) (LW #10) Mr Rodgers Neighborhood, 1-1 [92
PPG, .157 NPRP]
My team from 2014 beat Nick’s rival, Nick’s
Team in impressive fashion this week.
Yeah, wrap your head around that sentence.
Mr Rodgers Neighborhood, AKA Super Flash
Bros without any flash at all, has once again responded appropriately to the
whooping I laid on him last week in this blog.
See, a lot of people get angry when I roast
them, which is absolutely granted. I know I can be harsh, like when I say that
you lost so badly that your living a lie. But some people take this assault and
use it against me. They don’t care about anything else except for beating the
messenger.
Robert M. Brown, on the other hand, refuses
to give me the pleasure of roasting him week in and week out because he goes
out and he wins games. Does he win every week? No. Does he stop me from talking
smack to him completely? No. But he goes out and he proves me wrong in such a
resounding way that I come back here to my little desk with my coffee and say…
Congratulations on beating the worst team
in the league.
Seriously.
Honestly.
Congratulations.
Next week, though, you have a test before
you. Dave Smith, former TCL champion, is coming off a loss that he looks to
avenge. You’re 2-2 all time against Dave, so this game really determines who
the better player is historically. You want the smack talk to be silenced for
another week? Beat Dave for the 3rd time (in a row) and win one for
your family.
6.) (LW #12) Wiggity Wiggity Wack, 1-1 [91.5
PPG, .156 NPRP]
Well would you look at this.
Cheryl put in the worst performance in the
league week one and decided to take it out on her husband in the first rivalry
game of the season. Isn’t it beautiful?
Not only did she lay it on him like a flock
of pigeons on a new convertible, but she did so in such a way that she moved up
to the top spot (of all Smiths). Can you say that you didn’t see this coming,
though?
Cheryl’s never started a season better than
1-1. This is par for the course for her, and her players know it. They knew it
was do-or-die for them, and they wouldn’t dare allow Cheryl to become the first
reigning champ to start off 0-2.
Still though, Cheryl did start off 0-2 last
year before she won it all…
No no no, what am I saying! She had to set
a statement to the tune of 27 points from ODB and 109 overall. She had to show
the league that, even with Dez Bryant probably out until playoffs, this squad
is a force to be reckoned with. Everyone needed to know that if they don’t just
accept the loss now, it will be taken from them…
Like Dave did. Dave just gave up a free
game, but we’ll get to that later I’m sure.
Cheryl, I didn’t rip you last week, and
you’ve left me hard-pressed to do so this week with such a great performance,
but maybe I’ll give it a shot with something I’ve been saying all along.
What is going on with these running backs.
Do you need one? Because I have plenty of them. Big ones, small ones, ones that
will net you more than 6 points like your RB1. We should talk. Word on the
street is that you have a big name wide receiver from New York and I might be
on the market for one of those…
We also should address your injuries, Cher
Bear. Your quarterback looked like Mel Gibson at the end of Braveheart (the
scene where he’s executed, not the battle). Seriously, he took so many hits
that I’m expecting Drake to feature him on his next mixtape.
And Jordan Cameron? Ouch. He was doing
really well for you. I was super impressed with that pickup. I just wish the
guy wasn’t made of rubber cement and PVC pipe.
Hopefully you get these things fixed up,
because this team can and will develop nicely. You just need to make it happen
sooner rather than later since you take on #3 Sean Brown next week, and he’s
out for blood on his quest for a playoff run.
Is this my game of the week? Sure is
starting to smell like it.
7.) (LW #1) Talkin’ Bout Mockdrafts?, 1-1 [90
PPG, .154 NPRP]
“Sir, we’ll be landing in an hour. Is there
anything else you need?”
Arnold Schwarzenegger looked out the window
of his private jet, just beyond the view of his mountainous triceps. The desert
seemed to stretch on for eternity. If he needed to fight his way out, he’d need
to be ready.
“Ahll hahve anotha pwotein shake,” he
ordered behind his military grade sunglasses.
“Just one more,” he thought…
He landed in the executive terminal at
McCarran International Airport, and stepped off the plane in a muscle shirt to
the sun beating down on his leathery skin. It was a mild 90 degree Fall
afternoon in Las Vegas. It was never this hot where he came from…
Arnold could feel the sweat seeping through
his skin, a gentle reminder of the pump that was to come.
A Hummer limousine picked him up from the
tarmac, and as his personal assistant listed off his agenda for the day, he
only had one thing on his mind: the pump.
The pump was all he knew, all he had ever
known. Through his move to the United States, to show business, to his time
spent as the Governor of California, the pump had always been there for him. He
dug into his jar of peanut butter with the back of his knife for some reason
and then decided to leave it in the sink for someone else to clean as he turned
to his assistant.
“Moove tha wurkout to naow,” he cried.
“But Mr. Schwarzenegger, you have a
scheduled appearance at Mr. Olympia Expo in 20 minu-“
“JUST DOO EET. DO EET NAOW!” He screamed,
shaking the Hummer.
The driver had to make a play, so he pulled
into the last place anyone would expect a superstar to be: The gym at the
University of Nevada Las Vegas.
Arnold went inside and took a look around.
It wasn’t his guest gym, but it would work.
As he loaded every 45 pound plate in that
gym on his bar, he saw someone walk out of the locker room behind him. Here was
a boy, taller than himself, who was lathered head to toe in baby oil. He walked
over to the dumbbells and grabbed the most reasonable weight he could find.
Over the next two hours that Arnold was on
that bench press, the boy curled those dumbbells while giving himself the most
intense look he possibly could in the mirror. Arnold smiled as the boy
glistened in the fluorescent light. It was a sight to behold.
When the man laid down the dumbbells, he
returned them to the rack and began to turn. It was then that Arnold hurt the
impending doom of footsteps approaching the man. The end was coming, but the
man’s headphones and mediocre music prevented him from saving himself. Arnold
had to save him.
“GIT DOOOOOOOWWWWNNNN!!!”
Matt turned as the lights went out. The
last thing he saw was AJ Green jumping in front of him with a basketball in his
hands. AJ was in a basketball jersey with two words that Matt would never
forget, “Laced Jam.”
Like this
He awoke the next day in UNLV’s nursing
school to a quiet room. There were tears in his eyes and his cheeks were as
swollen as his arms, but the thing that hurt the most was his ego.
Matt reached for his phone to see if any of
his girls had asked about him when he felt a presence. He turned to the corner
of the room next to him, where a hulking mass lay in wait.
“I’m glad you’re OK,” said Arnold
Schwarzenegger, the serious tone allowing him to speak proper english.
“I saw what happened, and I really hope
it’s not too late for me to tell you this…I always say don't be afraid of
failure, because how far can you really fall? You found that out today - to the
ground. It's right there.” He pointed at the cement floors of UNLV’s cold
hallways. “Now you know it isn't anything that should scare you.”
“You should be proud that you weren't
afraid to face him - not embarrassed that you failed. You could have made
excuses not to walk into that matchup, but you didn't. You knew it would be
hard, and it would be uncomfortable, and it might be awkward - but you did it
anyway. That's courage.”
Then he spoke the words Matt had always
wanted Arnold to tell him…
“I'm proud of you.”
Matt shed a tear.
“The last guy I rooted in for won a
championship. You have more in common with him than you think.”
“First, he started out with a crappy team,
too (when you look at him now, he may have drafted blind). Second, imagine his
courage. He walked up to that matchup in front of a big audience and television
cameras, knowing that not only had he never played for high stakes before - NO
ONE on earth had - and it was highly likely he would completely fail. You may
not think about it this way, but you showed that courage, on a smaller level.”
“Finally, I'm rooting for you, too. You
took the first step and you fell, but at least you fell in the right direction,
so get back up and take the next step. Keep moving forward.”
We believe in you, Matt.
8.) (LW #2) The Northern Champ, 1-1 [87.5 PPG,
.149 NPRP]
You bring the guy into the league, and now
the shit talk has started.
After an illustrious week one where he put
up a huge week and had this writer saying “Can he be beaten?” Ryan Hewett just
got absolutely torched in Week 2.
More impressive than the loss, however, was
Ryan’s confidence afterward.
“You got lucky will,” Ryan said,
disrespecting his opponent by not even capitalizing his name, “I love it when
Keenan Allen and Jeremy Hill put up a whopping combined total of -2.”
Will, who is currently undefeated and
sitting atop the rankings, responded:
“114 points and counting (he finished with
125)…lucky???”
“Before [Sunday] I was at 42 [points],”
said Ryan, “now after the rest of my went in at 61. That won’t happen again…my
players are going to get a stern talking to and we will be back. Enjoy your
win, this will be my only loss of the season.”
WHOOOOAAAAAAAAA!
Hold on there, Michael Bay. Leave the
explosions to the professionals when you blow up my phone like that. Only loss
of the season? You’re here to tell me that you will go undefeated from here on
out and wind up with the best record in league history?
“I will destroy the rest of the season. Put
that in your pipe and smoke it. I will not be down for long.”
Just when I pulled out my notepad to
prepare for the spanking that I had to lay down on Ryan, Will did so for us
all:
“As long as Jeremy hill plays the raiders
every week, deandre Hopkins gets a quarterback, Heath miller keeps stealing
Antonio Brown’s touchdowns, and you look in the mirror and say ‘Kendall Wright
is a viable flex option,’ then this will be your only loss.”
HE HAS A FAMILY WILL. DON’T DO THIS TO HIM.
So much disrespect in one text message. The
lack of capitalization, the harsh truth, and the image that Ryan wakes up on
cold mornings in Reno trying to convince himself that drafting a Titans
receiver was a decent decision. This is the mark of a man who double you in
points this week and cast you into the depths of the league standings.
Ryan, I’m going to leave this for now even
though the iron is hot, but when the day comes that you lose again I hope you
have some Aloe ready because the fire is coming.
9.) (LW #3) Rank This, 1-1 [86.5 PPG, .148
NPRP]
Dave! You can’t do me like this.
What am I supposed to write about you, huh?
I say good things and you lose. I say bad things and you ride this wave of
anomalies to the top of the league! There’s no middle ground, is there?
…Let’s try the roast again.
Let’s start with the fact that you started
a player who was ruled out Saturday Night. I know you don’t like to prep
things, but 12 hours notice is more than enough time to bench Alshon Jeffery.
Thank God that LeVeon is coming back next
week, because only He knows what is going on with this running back situation.
I mean, I know you played your wife, but you should never be satisfied with
putting up a projected total of 81 points. I think Curtis’ team had a higher
projection and he’s missing players.
I am amazed at how you were projected to score so few and didn't do anything about it.
No, but with LeVeon’s return and your
beloved Dolphins not playing the Jaguars’ powerhouse offense, you should be
looking to move to 2-1 against Bobby B this week.
10.) (LW #6) Staff Infection, 1-1 [77.5 PPG,
.132 NPRP]
OK, it’s time to get real for a minute.
I go on this blog every single week and
make jokes. I roast people, I glorify myself, and more importantly, I give
everyone something to talk about until the following weekend. But right now,
I’m going to drop all that to issue a warning:
Curtis,
We met at the Rules Summit this summer and
you were in the midst of making your decision about whether or not you would
return to the Captain’s League for your 4th year.
I was convincing you to stay, and you said
you’d make the decision on your own. At the end of the meeting, you stated that
you were committed, and that this year you would make sure to stay on top of
your lineup.
It’s a simple promise, really. You don’t
have to create a twitter account exclusively for Fantasy news. You don’t have
to find beat reporters for each time, or listen to local radio shows from
Foxborough, or even so much as listen to an ESPN Fantasy podcast. All you have
to do each week is say “Oh, this player isn’t an NFL player. I should drop him
for someone who is.” And “This player is supposed to get a lot of points. I
should start him.”
Not only have you not held up your end of
the promise thus far, you’ve done so far worse than in years past, including
the year I put you on Probation.
I really need you to step it up. Everyone
in this league wants you to be here because you’re family. I want to be getting
texts saying how I’ll “pay for what I said in the blog,” or that you’re “gonna
kick [my] ass this week.”
I want you in this league, Curt, but if you
keep up this streak of being MIA, then I’ll have to call for a vote to see if
you should stay.
Please Curtis, just set a lineup.
OK, back to the jokes.
11.) (LW #7) Fast Eddie, 0-2 [97 PPG, .110 NPRP]
What a rough way to start your first
season.
First of all Eddie, we need to explain the
Waiver Wire. Every Tuesday, you can put in a “claim” on a free agent. Then, at
around midnight, ESPN will go through the Waiver Order and sign players that
have been claimed in order of the worst team to the best team.
So, if you wanted Carson Palmer last week,
you would have put in a claim for him. ESPN then went through the Waiver order.
Cheryl added Dion Lewis, Corey added the Ravens’ Defense, Bobby B added ASJ,
Sean took Darren Fells, then Melinda took Carson Palmer. Even though you put in
a claim for him, Lindy and her dastardly lattes snatched him up first because
she was ahead in the waiver order. When it came around to you, it would say”
Eddie wants Carson Palmer, but he’s already gone! Does he want anyone else?”
ESPN would then move on to your next claim, and if that player was available,
you would get him.
Make sense? I can explain it to you in
person when you get back, but I really want you to understand it because I’m
gunning for you this week.
My team has put in 2 mediocre weeks thus
far, and luck has guided me to 2 wins. You, on the other hand, have had 2
strong weeks and 2 straight losses.
Now, I like to consider myself a good and
charitable person, but I refuse to give you your first win. I have a reputation
to uphold, and that reputation is that of the villain. You need to want to beat
me.
Me vs. you
If I just give out wins all willy-nilly,
then what kind of team am I running?
Look at Matt, for instance. That guy was on
top of the world. He was in a place he had always wanted to be, Eddie! He
realized that everything he ever wanted in life was possible through dedication
and hard work until I came along and woke him from that dream like a lion wakes
a sleeping antelope.
I am the destroyer of worlds, Ed. And while
I may be your favorite Brown this week, you will soon feel my wrath consume
you. You won’t be able to sleep, you wont be able to eat; all you’ll experience
is a sense of dread for the next week.
Andrew Luck? Carlos Hyde? James Jones?
You’ll need more than that to bring me down. Enjoy life for the next few days,
Eddie, because on Sunday I’m coming.
12.) (LW #11) Nick’s Team, 0-2 [76 PPG, .087
NPRP]
Is that-? Is that another last place ranking for Corey?
This is the first time Nick’s team has ever
been in last place in these Power Rankings.
This is also the 16th time Corey
Hewett’s team has been in last place, a league record.
In 1974, the Detroit Wheels of the World
Football League could only sign 4 of the 36 players they drafted out of
college. The WFL was a league of “NFL rejects” and so missing out on 32 of your
draft picks puts you in a bad spot. When they couldn’t field a full roster,
they placed an ad in a local newspaper for “professional athletes” around the
Detroit area. Even when they filled the team, however, they often canceled
practice due to a lack of jerseys.
14 games into their inaugural season, they
folded. Their record was 1-13.
I love the man like a brother, but Corey
Hewett is turning out to be the Detroit Wheels of this league.
We all watch these games and say, “How can
Corey’s team not score points? He drafts good players and then nothing comes of
it!”
Watching Corey lose games
I know, I know. I agree. It’s really not
his fault. There’s a little black cloud that follows Corey’s team every season
and there’s nothing he can do about it.
But, the more we reflect on it, isn’t it
entirely his fault?
Corey sat Amari Cooper so that he could
play Bobby B’s former (scrub) player against him in Bishop Sankey. Corey played
the Ravens’ defense against Bobby B because they were playing the Raiders. He
didn’t play fantasy football, he played his ego.
Every year we meet back here at the bottom
of the blog and say that things have to turn around. Is this the year or isn’t
it? Just keep your head up and focus on getting one win against the kid who doesn’t
even check his own lineup, because I’m already on the line with a partner
looking to buy ad space if you go 0-5…
You know I'm already writing that 0-13 post...
