Nick's Power Rankings - RIVALRY WEEK

“A wise man learns from his enemies than a fool from his friends.”

It’s finally rivalry week, ladies and gents, which means that not only are we halfway through the season, but we are about to have the most exciting week thus far. Every game this week is big. Every win is important. And every point brings you closer to the $60 Rivalry Week prize.

That’s right, the highest scoring team this week brings home our very first cash prize. This isn’t DraftKings, this is your teams shot to earn bragging rights and some greenbacks. Below is our super power rankings, detailing each rivalry and the significance of each game. Good luck, and beat those rivals.

1.) (LW #1) Team Flood Gates, 6-1 [105.29 PPG, .208 NPRP]

Ryan entered this league thinking it would be a cakewalk. Sure, he had played fantasy before, but this is a real league. Yes, we always make fun of the dumb decisions that are made, but take a look at the waiver wire: This league is active and this league wants to win.

Ryan’s bid for an undefeated season died early, but since then he has been on an absolute tear. He scored 486 points in the span of 4 games. Such a feat is up there with the 506 scored by Rank This is 2014, and the 483 scored by Super Flash Bros. in 2014, and the countless others that started off hot. The numbers are great, the team is talented, but others have done it. And who is the player on track to do it next?

Fellow newcomer Eddie Boyadjian, Ryan’s rival.

Eddie and Ryan were matched up because they had no prior history in this league. They were fresh, they were sparkly-eyed. These boys had never seen the terrors of war.

And now, not only are they more hardened, but both of them have been performing valiantly. Now they will step into the same arena for this first time ever in what is my rivalry game of the week.

What makes this game so great is the high scoring by both teams despite an apparent knowledge of football. Ryan is 3^rd in scoring at 105 PPG while Eddie comes in 1^st with an astounding 110 PPG, numbers we haven’t seen since the legend of the Super Flash Bros. (RIP).

But Ryan’s light has been dying quickly, he just hasn’t wanted to admit it. He can no longer rest his laurels on being the highest scoring, or the team with the highest points against. In fact, Ryan went into last week and only eat the worst team in the league by one point. Granted it was without his star player: The Broncos’ entire 53-man roster. But even though Ryan won the game, he lost his cocky persona for just long enough that the league saw blood.

A 75 point game isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you. Some up us have scored 60-pointers, even a 50-pointer here and there (and in 3 cases, a 40-bomb). But Ryan did not come out of this bragging about dominance. Instead, he stayed quiet like Richard Sherman after the Super Bowl loss. “Maybe if I don’t say anything,” he thought, “they’ll leave me alone in the blog.”

YOU WERE WRONG BOY. I hope you had a nice little taste of crap, because I cannot wait to see you drop Peyton like the sack of suck that he is this year. I’ll leave the rest of the roast for your next loss, but we’re chomping at the bit here at Power Ranking HQ.

Looking a little deeper into this matchup, we should really appreciate the fact that one of these teams gets to lose. Ryan is currently one game in first place the East while Eddie is one game behind in the West. We also get to see what happens when the Broncos play a real powerhouse. Will Manning prove he’s still elite? Or will Ryan’s team logo become Manning face for the remainder of the season?

2.) (LW #2) CC's Gurley Girl, 5-2 [108.86 PPG, .199 NPRP]

The rivalry we look forward to every year seems like it will only let us down this year. The game that makes us question what we know about love, the Cold War of the Captain’s League, the Iron Bowl of the Brown residence: Robert vs Melinda.

Just one week removed from their wedding anniversary, the two lovers must do battle once again for the prize of who gets to give Sarah her dessert. But this year, the storied bloodbath seems to have lost it’s edge. Melinda, in her third consecutive season of floating around 2^nd place, faces off against her injured husband.

Melinda averages a Power Ranking of 2.143, the highest all-time. She boasts an all-time record of 22-11, the highest all-time (of teams with at least one year played). Most importantly, however, Lindy leads her husband 5-1 in their rivalry together, stemming all the way back to when they were in Oakland before the great relocation that started the Captain’s League.

Melinda is definitely the Queen Bitch of this rivalry, leading Mr. Brown 645 points to 518, and yet Melinda has never made it to the Championship game like her beloved husband has. Through thick and thin, Robert will always be able to hold that over her like a bottle of Don P that she cannot reach. Will this be her year?

The ladies all hope so

Melinda comes into this rivalry week boasting an impressive 5-2 record and (once again) ranking 2^nd in points scored. Yet, still she remains one game behind. One game is all she needs to move into first place. One game is all she needs to once again prove to the misogynists that a woman can run the league.

Even as a 22-point favorite, Melinda needs to treat this one game like it is her championship, because if she slips then that trophy may be just out of her 5’9” reach once again.

3.) (LW #4) Fast Eddie, 4-3 [110.86 PPG, .185 NPRP]

Like I pointed out above, Eddie’s rivalry week matchup is my favorite this year. Eddie came into this season not knowing a lick about fantasy football. I mean, he still doesn’t know that he doesn’t have to outright drop players.

And yet, we are faced with the reality that Eddie is in 2^nd place in his division and is on pace to score the 2^nd most points in League history. Even with James Jones, 2 Colts wide receivers, a running back corps that would make the Titans cringe, and a general lack of understanding, Eddie is doing the impossible.

After being down by  at least 60 last week going into the first half of the morning games, Eddie mounted a comeback so absurd that it made LL Cool J blush. Then Eddie added the icing to the cake.

Eddie showed up to the Brown residence at 1:45pm, fashionably late for the Raider afternoon game against the Chargers. I didn’t want to look at Eddie out of fear that he would take away some of my luck to add to his own, but I could have sworn he was in Gucci flip flops.

Alas, Eddie arrived to the house of glory like a peacock in mating season. His colorful feathers were up, and it was time to sing the song of his people and assert his dominance.

“Luck went crazy, huh? Haha!” Eddie had thus begun a roast that I could not even begin to outdo.

Eddie took a peek at the fantasy scoreboard (with full knowledge that he was winning in his game against the master of the house, Robert) and said directly to Sean, “WOW! Lindy’s killing it, huh?” Sean was down by 50 points with Lindy’s QB still left to play. Two men had been shot in front of me. They lay bleeding and sucking onto their last breaths as Eddie sat back down and reloaded his brandished pistol before relieving Robert of his misery.

“I really think you won this one.”

And with that, I sat in horror as I watched my own father murdered in his own house. Yes, he stands and breathes, but I witnessed something truly evil when part of his soul was taken from him by the bandito himself: Fast Eddie.

All across the west we hear maidens weep his name like a curse word in their parched throats: Fast Eddie.

The Devil is real, and his name is Fast Eddie.

Corey Hewett, a historian of league shade, pointed out that at one point before the season, Eddie was quoted as saying “I don’t think I have a rival.” Now it is abundantly clear that Eddie has been sharpening his blade for years in the hopes of eliminating the entire Brown family.

But before Eddie can continue his systematic destruction of the Browns, his rival stands in his path. It may be one of the most poetic midseason games we have ever had.

Eddie has no records. He has no past. All Eddie has is the future he continues to build with this one game. Will he go down as the slayer of targets? A hitman destined to eliminate all those who doubt his speed? Or will he go down a has-been whose potential was squandered on games that didn’t matter? The only one to answer that question will be Eddie himself.

4.) (LW #3) Judge Richard Berman's Team, 5-2 [96.14 PPG, .175 NPRP]

William Brown is a former champion, college student, and professional shit talker. Despite those accolades, he has the 2^nd lowest average power ranking in League history, along with a disappointing career record of 21-25.

In fact, Will’s only real success came in 2012 when he went on a 5-game win streak to win the title after a few questionable trades with Corey. Will has always questioned power, and that is no fault of his, but I think it’s time we question the power he claims to hold on this league.

This is Will’s best start to date. We often place everyone in order of skill in our heads as a way to remind ourselves on who the predators in this league are as opposed to the prey. Historically, the powerhouses are Melinda, myself, Dave, Cheryl, and Will (with Robert during even years). But does Will deserve to be in that company?

If what I have just said is true, then that leaves the prey to be Corey, Matt, and Curtis (Sean is a push as he isn’t prey but has yet to take that final step into greatness. Sean is Derrick Rose). And yet, Will is 2-4 all-time against his rival, Natty Ice himself (no spelling error, there), Matt Smith.

The funny thing is, even though Matt leads the series 4-2, Will leads in points a resounding 639 to 555. That’s right. Will is a quagmire. He brings it against better teams, but he leaves himself open for upsets from the weak. Will used to open every season with a Week 1 loss to Matt, and this year he looks to avenge his 3 opening losses.

Not only that, but Will is looking to reach playoffs for the 1^st time since he won his Elite 8 championship in 2012. He currently sits at 3^rd place in the divison, but maintains a 3 game lead over the the 4^th place Curtis Smith. The only way someone in this division loses their spot in the playoffs is if they choke it all away.

Will may find himself beginning that downward slide with a 5^th loss to his rival. He may lose a game that we all know he shouldn’t and question his own place in the elite of this league. That might bring about the end of his comeback.

Or, Will can se this opportunity to do it to Matt so good that Matt prints out another draft sheet and starts preparing for next season. He could hit Matt so hard that it sends the league a simple message: “I’m coming.”

5.) (LW #6) Laced Jam, 5-2 [94.86 PPG, .173 NPRP]

The greatest American president once taught us to “forgive our enemies, but never forget their names.”

We have all seen our fair share of rivalry games over the years. We all watched the Michigan-Michigan State finish. We all remember the field goal return by Auburn to win the Iron Bowl. We’ve seen the way the sun does battle with the moon for control of our Nevada skies.

And yet, no other date on the calendar is more circles worldwide that that of the Nick Brown-Corey Hewett rivalry.

When we arrive in Heaven, St. Peter will look us in the eyes and ask, “Brown or Hewett?”

The day has come, and what a day it will be.

Nick currently has the most points scored all-time in this league. He has the greatest season ever recorded (11-2 in 2012), and he has the second-highest power ranking average of all-time. To counter, Corey has the worst record all-time for a team that has played more than one season. He has averaged a spot in the bottom 2 spots in the league power ranking since the league’s inception in 2012.

Corey once scored 45 points in a game, the second fewest all-time. In this bitter rivalry alone, he is being outscored by almost 100 points: 698 to 603. And yet, despite having all the stats stacked against him, Corey had one game.

For those of you who don’t remember, Corey put up 160 points against Nick in Week 13 of last season, defeating him by 26 and preventing him from reaching the playoffs, the only time he has ever missed.

That win was Corey’s first in 4 years of playing Nick, giving him control of the crown for the first time ever.

I have awaited this rematch for what feels like much longer than a year. And, while I lost my beloved Arian Foster for the season, I am gearing up for a war. I don’t care what the final score is; I only care about getting that crown back.

6.) (LW #6) Joe Buck Yourself, 3-4 [96.43 PPG, .147 NPRP]

Sean rounds out the pack of teams projected to make playoffs by coming in at 6^th despite a loss to the Queen Bitch, Melinda.

Sean was one of the few to vote against Rivalry Week at this season’s Rules Summit. Once it was voted in and Sean was asked who he wanted to play, he responded that he “didn’t care.”

His lack of caring led to me doing research on Sean’s potential rival. What I discovered was a little interesting. Sean has reached playoffs just once back in 2012. He lost in the first round to his own father and has not made it back since. However, Sean has the 4^th best record all-time in the history of the league (27-19). So what is keeping him out of the upper echelon? What is preventing Sean from taking that final step into the ranks of the elite? What is the callous being that has rejected Sean from receiving the respect he deserves?

One man: Curtis Smith.

Curtis, surprisingly, is 4-2 against Sean all-time. Curtis has outscored Sean 587-551, the smallest margin amongst rivals. Whether he likes it or not, this is the closest rivalry in League History.

But history runs deep in this game as well. As I’m sure we all remember, in 2004 Sean got a migraine. Sean was laying in his room trying to nap when there was a knock at the door. When he opened it, a young Will and Curtis ran as fast as they could laughing their little hearts out. Sean then slammed his door and tried to nap a second time. Again, there were little knocks on the door followed by the pitter-patter of little feet as Will and Curtis ran away.

Sean stood in the doorway, red in the face. “If you knock one more time I’m going to shoot you!” he shouted, but it fell on deaf ears. Sean loaded his airsoft gun and knelt in wait of Curtis’ return.

Down the hall, Curtis was living the dream. Not once, but twice had he escaped Sean’s wrath. Twice he had knock-and-ditched, and now he wanted to add to the thrill. Not only was he going to knock, but he was going to scream “Broncos rule!” just to egg Sean on further.

“No, I don’t think we should,” said a 9 year old Will, wise beyond his years. “He said he’s going to shoot us.”

“No he won’t,” replied a 10 year old Curtis, seeking a pain he did not understand.

Curtis ran back to Sean’s door, giggling with every step. As he knocked again, Sean pulled the door open…

“BRONCOS RU-“ POP!

Sean shot once, with the shot hitting Curtis square in the chest. Curtis turned and ran, making it to the bottom of the stairs before taking another BB to the back. The impact (and balance of a 10 year old) caused Curtis to roll at the bottom of the stairs before running out the front door to safety.

Neither Sean nor Curtis will ever forget that tragic day, but now it is Sean’s turn to unleash his fantasy team, to unleash Emmanuel Sanders on his bitter and storied rival before quietly whispering…”Broncos suck.”

I asked Sean if he had any messages for Curtis, and in Sean Brown fashion, he left me with something simple:

“Tell him to set a lineup, and that I’m coming after him with every airsoft gun I have…When I kick his ass this weekend, I want to make sure he has a full lineup.”

7.) (LW #8) Rank This, 4-3 [87.29 PPG, .146 NPRP]

Many people (myself included) have called this an off-year for Dave. His numbers aren’t great and he’s struggled recently to get any wins. But Dave is not a simple opponent to describe.

Sometimes we forget that Dave has a championship ring. We forget that he has survived the trials of the playoffs. We especially forget that he struggled to score points that year.

Dave is 20-13 all-time in this league. That means that, despite never being a high-scoring team, Dave wins about 60% of his games. And, while he has remained in the bottom half of the league this year, the return of his Big weapon means a possible return to the playoffs.

The first game that Dave will have with Big Ben back, and the first game to mark his comeback to playoff contention, will so aptly be against his rival, defending champion Cheryl Smith.

This league has seen husbands and wives face off before. We’ve seen Dave and Cheryl play once already this season, but we’ve never seen a rematch of last year’s championship during rivalry week.

For those who somehow forgot, Dave was the defending champion to make it back to the title game only to fall to his wife (and rival). That loss in the championship evened up these two all-time at 2-2. Cheryl leads in scoring, though, 436-383.

Not only is Dave looking to take the lead in this rivalry, not only is he looking to get his season back on track and make the run for an unheard of 3^rd straight title game, but Dave is also trying to avenge his hardest loss in this league.

While I don’t expect a high-scoring bonanza in this rivalry match, the stakes are enough that we’ll have to keep an eye on it to see which Smith reigns supreme.

8.) (LW #9) Staff Infection, 2-5 [91.43 PPG, .125 NPRP]

As I detailed above, Curtis is not to be trifled with this week. While Curtis started off the season on a terrible note, he’s done his best to come back and make a playoff run.

After 7 weeks, Curtis sits 3 games back of a playoff spot. And with half a season left to go, he cannot afford to lose. His rival, perennial dark horse Sean Brown, lays only 1 game back of a spot of his own. Both teams are desperate for a big game.

Curtis, despite being 16-30 all-time, is 4-2 against Sean. Curtis has the 2^nd worst record in league history amongst active teams and the 3^rd worst all-time power ranking of all active teams.  But the one thing we know about him is that, while we may question his effort, we don’t question his courage. Curtis has faced airsoft guns, blowouts, and close games over the years and yet he keeps coming back.

Curtis x2

For those of you with poor memories, Curtis was #1 in the preseason power rankings. Despite a week 1 win, Curtis fell to 6^th and has continued to fall since. With only 2 wins on the season and only 91 PPG, Curtis has still topped over 100 points for three straight weeks. As you would expect, he’s hoping to continue that streak this week.

After all the history and disrespect between Curtis and Sean, I asked Curtis if he had any words for his rival.

His response? “Nah, he’s below my pay grade.”

9.) (LW #7) Wiggity Wiggity Wack, 3-4 [81.14 PPG, .123 NPRP]

When Rivalry Week was first approved, Cheryl was the first to jump at the idea. She was excited. She wanted to play on a big stage. And who was the person she was most excited to play?

Me, but Dave was second on the list I’m sure.

Awkward

Cheryl has had an intriguing history in the Captain’s League. She is the defending champion. She snuck into the playoffs last year after coming back over the second half of the season, something she must do once again.

Amazingly, Cheryl is 16-17 all-time, and was 13-13 coming into the season. You wouldn’t expect her to struggle like this, but I think she likes the pressure of knowing that the season rides on every game she plays. Now she must face-off against her beloved husband in a Championship rematch. We all had this game circled on our calendars to start the season, and even though the context is different than we expected, the stakes remain the same.

Who is better between her and Dave? The numbers argue they’re even. Dave has a better overall record and has made playoffs twice. Cheryl has scored more points and beat him in the Championship straight up. It’s fun to debate, and it’s more fun to watch them play.

The loser of this game will likely fall out of their spot in the playoff hunt and, while it’s entirely possible for both to still make playoffs, it will exponentially increase the degree of difficulty for them to make it. If Cheryl wants to repeat her success of last season, then this is a must-win game for her.

10.) (LW #10) Talkin Bout Mockdrafts?, 2-5 [85.57 PPG, .117 NPRP]

Matt struggles historically. His overall record over the last 4 years lies at 20-26, half a season under .500. Matt averages a spot in the bottom half of the league. Matt has 3 of the 6 lowest scoring outings in league history. It has been a long 4 years for the kid.

The man gets stomped on

And yet, he’s never lost in Week One. For three straight seasons, Matt has taken care of business to kick off the season against his rival: Will.

He comes in with a 4-2 record against Will, and with that winning record comes a heap of disrespect.

When asked if he had any words for Will, Matt had nothing specific. All he wanted anyone to know is that “that’s not my gig. I just win games.”

20-26 Matthew Smith just wins games.

Matt looks to win his 3^rd game of the season in Week 8 against an opponent that he historically gets lucky against. Will has only once hit 100 points against Matt (and won). But Matt isn’t focused on getting 100 points, Matt’s only focused on scoring 89 points, something he hasn’t done since Week 3.

Will Matt continue his season of tribulations? Or will he finally get back on track and continue his triumphs against a hated opponent on this particularly spooky weekend?

11.) (LW #12) Mr Rodgers Neighborhood, 2-5 [84.29 PPG, .115 NPRP]

What is there to say about Robert Brown? He’s 2-5, he sits at 4^th place in his division (3 games back), and he suffered the biggest heartbreak of his career last weekend against Eddie.

The guy is a veteran, but sometimes even a seasoned vet will face things they haven’t seen before. Is he deflated? Has he given up on the season?

As I pointed out earlier, Robert Brown is the San Francisco Giants of Fantasy Football: He’s always good, but every odd year he has a tough season. On even years? You might as well scratch the man a spot in the playoffs from the get-go.

Unfortunately, this is 2015 and Mr. Rodgers’ Neighborhood is succumbing to the rigors of a losing season. Luckily, a matchup against his wife is just what the doctor ordered.

Watch out for his feet, Lindy

The return of Big Ben not only helps out Dave, it helps out Antonio and Robert Brown as well, once again proving that Big Ben has no respect for the women. The return of Antonio Brown’s studliness means a points boost for this squad and such a boost could be exactly what Bob needs to knock out a win on his wife.

If he does get the win, they we can’t consider this team out of it. Antonio Brown is back and we can be sure that we haven’t heard the last of him.

12.) (LW #11) Roger Goodell's Team, 1-6 [90.29 PPG, .110 NPRP]

I can still smell the air.

I was sitting on a beach under the cloudy night sky. The sands were cold and damp where I traced my fingers in circles only to lose the halos to the eternity of that high tide. My hood was up to keep myself warm as I braced against the cold westward winds.

In the distance you could hear voices, joyous and full of youth. You could still hear the crackle of the bonfire just down the beach where all signs of life seemed to take shelter once the sun had set. But it was dark now, and the purity of such life was lost with the sunken sun.

But I wasn’t alone. As I sat, thoughtlessly tracing my fingers and taking in the night, so another sat motionless just out of reach. They too sat with their blue hood up, shaking just slightly more than I.

“I’m sorry,” was all he seemed to muster up, and I’ll never know if he meant it.

Someone once said to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I’ve thought about that saying a lot over the past 6 years or so, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a little too simple to describe Corey.

A traitor isn’t necessarily your enemy. Sometimes people you care about will place themselves first and do things that hurt you. It’s human nature. Throughout the course of life you will meet people that will lie, or steal, or harm you in some way without considering the repercussions or the harm inflicted upon you.

Corey didn’t know it that night, but he asked for some serious repercussions when he betrayed me.

This is the reason why we play for Catherine’s Crown. This is why the rivalry was born. This is why we shed blood, sweat, and tears for this game every season.

But as we enter Rivalry Week, the stakes for this game are much higher. Where we used to play twice a year, this will be our only meeting in 2015. This is the only opportunity to win the crown, and for me, it is my only chance at revenge.

Corey and I have played against one another 8 times over the years. I have won 7 of those meetings. The only loss I ever suffered at his filthy hands was in the final week of last season, where Corey scored a career high 160 points to best me by 26. Not only did he steal my crown, but he eliminated me from playoffs, forcing me to sit as my team outscored every other team that had made it in my place.

Over the years we have become close. The past is the past and we have moved forward, but as we’ve bonded over the years there’s just one thing that Corey hasn’t really grasped about me:

I am one vengeful, ruthless enemy to make.

This is not some normal matchup for me. This isn’t a game anymore. As I head into Week 8 against a man who seems driven on taking from me, I will eliminate mercy from my vocabulary almost as swiftly as I eliminate his team.

I can still see his eyes: fearful. I can still hear the trembling in the apology. He thought back then that he had crossed a line and would pay for it dearly…and in a round about way, he was right. But my wrath will not be nearly as soft or as swift as he feared that night. This will be a brutal and a meticulous decimation of all of Corey’s hopes and dreams before I finally finish his team off.

Corey, I hope you open your eyes to the brutal sunlight that signified the ending of that fateful night some years ago. I hope you open your eyes and you’re filled with hope: Hope that you will never so much as think about harming another person all the days of your life. Hope that perhaps mankind is good, and that hatred and selfishness are what brought evil into our lives. Hope that perhaps you will arise a new man with the revelation of God’s love after I thoroughly cleanse you with this ass whooping on Sunday.

Strap up, boy, because you brought piss to a shit fight.  

 Prepare to get blended

Nick's Power Rankings - Week Seven

Hello everyone,

I wanted to apologize briefly for not keeping up the blog like I meant to over the past few weeks. With Christa in town last month I decided to take a short vacation from it so as not to be rude to her. My plans for guest bloggers fell through since Bill Simmons was busy and Stephen King cursed me out in his e-mail, but I should have planned further ahead.

You should all know that I have stayed on top of the calculations, though. All the numbers are up to date, as well as everyone’s rankings from prior weeks. If, for whatever reason, you would like to know what your ranking was for weeks 4, 5, or 6, let me know and I’ll grab it.

I also need everyone to know that I had to make a quick schedule change. It has been brought to my attention that the computer-generated schedules shorted some members out of 1 or 2 divisional games. For instance, Matt and Dave were only set to play once, as were Ryan and Corey. This would make it harder later on to determine divisional winners since everyone would have a different number of games played.

As such, Ryan is now playing Corey instead of Dave, while Matt is now playing his father instead of in-condo rival Corey. I’m sorry for the confusion. To go off of that, there were some things that cannot be fixed. My own father only plays Curtis one time, while Curtis plays Corey 3 times. This, too, was a mistake, and it is unfortunately one that cannot be fixed by a simple mixing of opponents. So, to correct it, Corey’s and Curtis’ third matchup will not count as a divisional game.

And with that, the following is the (rather disjointed) Week 7 power rankings! See you next week for rivalry week.

1.) (LW #1) Team Flood Gates, 5-1 [110.33 PPG, .219 NPRP]

Ryan has finally grasped the top spot in the league: a position that he has so endlessly pushed for, but I will still refrain from giving this team respect. Will said it best: it’s a team of questionable pieces that has put up points in the flukiest start of an NFL season that we have ever seen.

Ryan’s team puts up points. It fluctuates between “How can we beat them?” to “Oh right he starts Kendall Wright and thinks it’s a good decision” in the blink of an eye. Ryan came into this league saying that the trophy was his. He has disrespected us and has recently called for an undefeated season from hereon out.

No one calls me out like that in my own league

Ryan hardly beat one of the worst team in the league two weeks ago solely because Philip Rivers insisted on getting the ball to his overrated tight end to prove that he can still score touchdowns without steroids. When they play a defense that didn’t wake up on Monday morning with a text message telling them that their names might actually be in the program this week, Gates won’t put up 2 TDs.

Ryan’s quarterback and starting running backs have put up fewer points than his defense. No defense in NFL history has started out hotter than the Broncos’, but look at who they’ve played: The Ravens, the Chiefs, the Raiders, the Lions, and the Vikings.

These 5 teams have combined for 6 wins. They’ve played 3 of the worst teams in the NFL and have barely pulled off these wins. This won’t continue.

And yet this guy prances around saying how we’ll be worshipping him for his skills. Skills that include a love affair with a bandwagon team and drafting their defense unreasonably early in what is, admittedly, the call of the year. But calling that he will go undefeated from here on out?

This will not happen.

As an owner and a writer, I am calling for a bounty on Ryan, just to make things fun. The person to knock Ryan from the top spot, to leave him in a cannon-less Reno with another loss in the books, will get to write my team’s portion of the blog for the week. You will be able to finally get the poetic justice that you have all sought for so long.

God speed.

2.) (LW #3) Lindy's Lynch Mob, 4-2 [100.17 PPG, .180 NPRP]

There’s not really a good metaphor to aptly describe what Melinda Brown has been to fantasy football and to this league. She is always there. She is omnipresent. She is, to quote one of my favorite novels, the little scratch on the roof of your mouth.

Whether we like it or not, this woman is obsessed, and she has become her own brand of monster in a world that was once a sandstorm to her. She didn’t understand, but she wanted to, and that desire has led to maniacal pursuit.

Mom has been affected by the trophy.

On the flip side though, are the mind games. Melinda maintains that fantasy football is “different” to her than to the rest of us. Whereas some of us want to beat our opponents into submission, Melinda will feel sorry for you. Is this better for her victims? Not in the slightest.

Melinda’s constant barrage of the subject “my team” combined with the adverb “probably” and any variation of the verb “lose” has become the proverbial mustard gas of the league. Whereas it started as a conversational piece with a weekly opponent, we have all fallen victim to the sickness caused by that statement. And not even because it is repeated on end each week, but because we all know that Melinda, historically, does not lose very often.

Did Napoleon ride into battle amongst the sound of trumpets that cried “We’re a little overmatched today?” Do the Notre Dame Fighting Irish traditionally enter their home stadium by patting a sign that reads “Play like you’re probably going to lose?” Did JK Rowling preface each Harry Potter book with “To Thomas, this one’s my worst yet?”

No. Champions set their attitude to win. If things aren’t going your way, then find a new way. You taught us that.

Please, mom. Just have fun with us. Enjoy it. Smile while you're winning and drink when you're not. Just #EndTheBarrage

3.) (LW #2) Judge Richard Berman's Team, 4-2 [97.33 PPG, .176 NPRP]

Will graced us with his presence a couple weeks back. And, while it was short-lived, it sent a strong message: Even without his stars, Will can win.

Then Will came into a game where Vegas favored him by something like 15 points and Will held on to a tight one. His stars were back, he was playing for the title of “Chip,” and he made a very, very smart trade.

See, the point of a trade is not to “win.” The point of a trade is to benefit both teams involved. Will did not need a backup QB of Philip Rivers’ caliber, he needed a running back. I had one too many starting running backs and was in need of an upgrade. Exo-facto, we looked out for one another.

Will came into this game and did it to Corey. His studs put up numbers, his flashy new starter put up numbers, and Will maintained his position as a force in this league.

But does he actually belong there?

Van Der Beek tells it like it is

Will’s entire season has consisted of 3 games of 85-89 points and two big games. Is he good? No doubt, no doubt. But is he the 3rd best team? Well, I think that will be revealed in the weeks to come.

I disagree with Corey Hewett’s jab that “That is unbelievable how lucky that kid is.”

I throw around luck as an excuse when I lose. I throw it around here on the blog, but when we break it down, Will did not get lucky in his matchup against Corey. He certainly did not get lucky in our most recent matchup.

There are players that are studs and there are players that somehow put up points despite a lack of noticeable talent and/or because of a fluke. Do we get angry when LeVeon Bell or Julio Jones put up 20 points on us? Sure, but we know that they are capable of that because they are some of the best players at their position. It’s lucky when Marquis Colston or James Jones or Rex Grossman puts up a huge point total on you. Colston is average, Jones is 5 years past his prime and is benefitting from blown coverage, and Grossman is just Jay Cutler with a fake mustache.

Tom Brady hitting Julian Edelman for a long touchdown? You can expect something like that to happen. Those are Will’s 2 best players. That’s not luck.

But then again, Will is limited to those 2 players. Sure, the Patriots might turn out to be the best team in the history of the NFL, but Will only has 2 players on a 9-man starting lineup. That's the Fantasy equivalent of the Houston Rockets.

The only way Will is lucky is how he got put up in a nice apartment in sunny LA while people around the world slum it when they’re in college. The kid isn’t in touch with the struggles of the world. In fact, I’d say that his high life has made him out of touch with his fellow man, and with fantasy football.

Now that Will lives like the Monopoly guy what with his blackout shades and his view of the veranda, he seems to think that Tom Brady was right to cheat. He thinks that cheating gets him rings, and I think that’s made him unpredictable. Watch out for him like he watches out for spare $100 bills falling out of his deep pockets, because Will’s holding nothing back this season.

Just remember, Will. We was in the hood while you were shopping at Whole Foods.

4.) (LW #4) Fast Eddie, 3-3 [107 PPG, .174 NPRP]

I don’t think Eddie reads the blog, so I’ll make this quick.

I see a lot of myself in Eddie: The desire to win, a love of the game matching that of a young child experiencing Fantasy Land for the first time, and so much spare time to invest into Fantasy Football that experts may call him depressed.

The problem is, I see a lot of everyone else, too.

Dad: He doesn’t know the names of his players all the time and usually puts in waiver claims for the 5 players who scored the most points the week before. I’m convinced Eddie’s bench is bottomless because every time someone tries to snag a player he somehow picks them up.

Mom: He really downplays his team. While playing Sean this past week, Eddie was up 25 points and actually told Sean that “Hey, you still have your kicker left, maybe you pull out the win!” Such comments are reserved for children before they receive their participation trophies. When you have the win simply shake your opponents hand and say good game. If you really want to, write a blog about it later where you can rip them to shreds.

Mom: Eddie asks who has every player. It’s adorable. “Who has Tom Brady?” “Who has Andre Ellington?” They’re starters on great teams, Eddie, someone has them.

Will: The dude has no good running backs. OK, he has Carlos Hyde, but everyone else is a backup or a backup’s backup. It’s disgusting. At least Will can negotiate a reasonable trade.

Ryan: WAY too many players on one team. Are you kidding me, Eddie? You’re a Raiders fan. Why do you have so many Colts on your team? This is unbelievable.

Sean: The guy puts up 110 points per game and still happens to half of them. It’s painful to watch. Totally unlucky.

Dave: Way too lucky. The guy picked up James Jones and starts him. James Jones was at the Gettysberg Address and Eddie put him on his fantasy team. He also starts David Johnson, the 3^rd string running back for the Cardinals who somehow scores a TD every time Eddie puts him in the lineup. He should not be putting up these points.

Cheryl: He won’t openly say it, but I know that deep down Eduard Boyadjian hates me.

They hate us cuz they ain't us.

Corey: Actually, he’s the opposite of Corey. He has fun and he doesn’t let his ego get in the way. Maybe that’s why he wins.

Matt: He really just overvalues his players. I offered to trade for Donte Moncrief, the backup to TY Hilton (who is also on Eddie’s team). You’ll never play them both at one time, and yet Eddie wanted AJ GREEN for his backup WR. Eddie thought that his benchwarmer was worth a Top 10 player at the same position. OK, Eddie.

Curtis: He’ll surprise you. Right when you’re really low on him and come in thinking you have a free win, he’ll set his ragtag lineup in a way that nets him 159 points. Don’t sleep on him.

Anyways, Eddie is good for the league because he truly is a melting pot of our styles.

5.) (LW #6) Laced Jam, 4-2 [90 PPG, .162 NPRP]

Is he back?

After yet another 2-0 season against Matt (Look it up, Matt’s only beat me once) and another top-3 takedown, Nicky B is back in the winner’s circle.

Not only that, but he’s topped 100 points despite two players under 3 points, TWICE. From the perspective of this writer, he’s only going to keep climbing.

Sure, there was that REALLY weird week where he only put up 59 points, but let’s look at how he responded. I might be so inclined to say that he’s a sleepy pick to be the best team in the league.

This past week on ESPN, Scott Van Pelt was quoted as saying that “Laced Jam might be the most stacked fantasy team I’ve ever seen.” And that “the only problem I see this team having is which stud players to start and which to bench.”

Too good for my own good

Say what you want, but you can’t argue with the experts. They get paid to do this.

Do you disagree? Maybe you should beat Ryan and then you can write this part.

6.) (LW #7) Joe Buck Yourself, 3-3 [93.3 PPG, .152 NPRP]

Brutal. Just brutal.

Sean’s sitting at #6 after two really uncharacteristic losses. Granted, he got a win against the lowly Bobby B this past week in what was seen as a bye week, but let’s focus on those losses.

Week after week we have labeled Sean as a victim of circumstance in this league. His team will look dominant before injuries set in or before someone randomly gets benched and throws off his team’s chemistry.

Sean, one year removed from the fabled stable of the Kessel Runners, is now relying on a couple horses bound for the glue factory. Khiry Robinson, Tevin Coleman, and the West-Knile virus don’t run deep or far for this offense, so it’s a little understandable that they’d be struggling.

However, even with Sean slipping down after his #1 ranking in week 3, he’s still a top 6 team. Nothing to run himself down over.

7.) (LW #5) Wiggity Wiggity Wack, 3-3 [85.33 PPG, .139 NPRP]

Cheryl is so odd to me.

Cheryl starts off slowly every single year. It’s inevitable. She’s going to look like a team that you can walk through.

But at some point she turns it around and just rolls through some teams. She’s already in Act 2 of her season and she’s focused on staying there for as long as she can.

Her team is just as strange this year. She’s off to a hot start on the back of free agent pickup Andy Dalton. Her running backs are nothing to make you smile, and yet they’re somehow serviceable. She lost her top receiver, and yet her backup has been a depressing fill-in to accent OBJ.

My reaction when looking at Cheryl's roster

It’s not an exciting roster, but Cheryl has never been about having a little flash in her team, she’s about consistency. She has put up 109 twice so far and once Dez comes back she will continue to put up these high scoring games.

Cheryl has also taken the whole “The Smiths are the bottom 4 teams” to heart, almost single-handedly climbing while the Smith boys fail to get higher than (spoilers) 8^th.

No jokes here, just a woman looking to go back-to-back.

8.) (LW #9) Rank This, 3-3 [81.167 PPG, .132 NPRP]

Putting our history aside, it’s been an off-year for Dave. Normally he comes in and we talk a lot of trash and he uses it as fuel to win games and make it into the playoffs.

Yes, Dave beat me in week 4 and Lindy in week 5, but other than that he has really struggled. He lost his best game of the year and won his second-worst. He has 2 games under 65 points and only one over his average coming into this season.

On top of that, Dave has been a lot more friendly to us over the course of his brutal season. He gave us beer when we helped him with his truck, he assisted Sean with his Mustang, and he invited us to book club on Tuesdays (you bet we’ll be there).

So keep your chin up, Dave. It’s way too early to count yourself out.

9.) (LW #12) Staff Infection, 2-4 [90 PPG, .130 NPRP]

Curtis, for all intents and purposes, is about to have his comeback.

Yes, we had the whole conversation about kicking him out of the league. Yes, he started a player on BYE last week, but Curtis’ team is finally showing why he was the preseason #1 sooner rather than later.

What I expect Curt's team to do in the coming weeks

Curtis has been the second highest scoring team the past two weeks, and we have no reason to believe that he won’t continue that this week against yours truly.

Curtis not only has all the right players (the surprisingly dominant Devonta Freeman, the consistent Matt Ryan, and the resurgent Calvin Johnson), but they are all facing teams against whom they can score big.

Yes, even down here at #9, Curtis’s incorrectly named squad has all the right ingredients to make the mid-season push for playoffs.

Not to be my mother, but this week Curtis’ studs go against an average of 12.8 points. An astounding point total could be coming his way. 

10.) (LW #8) Talkin Bout Mockdrafts?, 2-4 [89 PPG, .128 NPRP]

Matt came into this season with a plan. That plan included research, preparation, and a lot of rehearsal. He came into the draft with a shiny new sheet of players to target and, to be fair, he drafted VERY well.

You see, Matt was sick and tired of being at the bottom of the totem pole that is our league rankings. He left the room a new man, and I could hear his smile from the better of the 2 condos when he saw that he was ranked #2 overall in the preseason.

But Matt was smart. He’s an educated man from the better of the 2 Nevada universities. Matt didn’t smack talk. Instead, he decided to wait for his team to start winning like he expected them to.

Then Matt walloped Eddie. We’re talking almost as bad as I’m gonna wallop Corey later on in this blog.

Get ready, Chip

But then disaster struck Matt. It is a nameless disease, but it crippled him enough to go 1-4 since that #1 ranking.

What is it, Matt? Why must you continue to suffer? Was it the Arnold Schwarzenegger story? (And do you need the poster of him back?) Please, Matt. Talk to us. How can you be healed?

11.) (LW #10) Roger Goodell's Team, 1-5 [93 PPG, .118 NPRP]

Last week I arrived home at around 4:30 in the morning after another 10 hour shift. I was tired, I was hungry, and boy, had I had a day. As I jiggled my key in the busted lock, I thought I heard a noise coming from the dark parking lot behind me.

I looked around, my hands clenched in fists, and felt a certain uneasiness in the night. When I felt safe, I turned back around and spent another 2 minutes trying to turn the key before my door finally opened. Just as I walked in and began to close the door, I heard the sound again and I quickly locked myself in the confines of my condo.

I looked around and took in my surroundings. I hadn’t really kept it clean since Christa left. So, being the adult that I am, I cleaned up and did the peanut butter and salsa-free dishes. When all was said and done, I grabbed the trash bag and walked to my front door.

As I opened it, the sun was on the verge of breaking over the mountains to the east of me. The sky was a gorgeous blend of black and gold as I once again heard the loud crash in the darkness.

I silently crept my way downstairs and tip-toed to the dumpster just a stone’s throw from my front door. As I got closer, I noticed that the noise that had so haunted me came from within the dumpster.

I dropped my trash bag inside and the noise suddenly stopped. Curious, I took a peek to get a glimpse of what had been making such a noise from the depths of a trash heap.

Deep inside, underneath all my trash, laid Corey’s team.

I don’t know how it always happens, or why we always try to speculate, but Corey has once again found his way to the bottom 2. And with a big matchup against his brother this week, we may see him fall to the bottom spot once again.

Timberrrrr

12.) (LW #11) Mr Rodgers' Neighborhood, 2-4 [77.33 PPG, .112 NPRP]

With all due respect to my father on the week of his wedding anniversary:

Shave this team like you did that mustache.

Seriously, Bobby B, your hoarding of players is second to only Eddie. You tried to build your team like mine last year, and now what has it gotten you? You’re all the way down here about as far away from your beloved wife as you could possibly be.

Which trashy running back will I start today?

I don’t want to say this team is dreadful, because it isn’t. You have a lot of promise here. But you’re holding on to 2 Washington running backs. Think about that for a moment. That’s the equivalent of grabbing 2 propane tanks during a house fire.

No, that’s a bad analogy. Let me try again. That’s like having two shares in ENRON in 2015. Closer, but I’m still not getting it. Hold on a second.

Dad, that’s the equivalent of carrying 2 trash bags with you at all times “in case of emergency.”

Honestly, move on from one of them. It’s not working out. Treat it like the sitcom staple where a guy asks two girls to the dance. Sure, they’re both cute, but only one of them can carry a storyline.

As for your rotating cycle of tight ends? I don’t know what to tell you. Same with your search for a WR2. Ty Montgomery is Desmond Howard if Desmond Howard was born with stubs for hands and then proceeded to burn both stubs off in a grease fire.

I pray that you build a new team.