Nick's Power Rankings - Week Three

As September comes to an end and the weather begins to cool down, we have a lot to appreciate. This weekend we have our first ever league potluck, we have the Life Is Beautiful art and music festival in Las Vegas, and we have each other.

Two years ago, Will, Corey, and I were fortunate enough to attend Life is Beautiful all 3 days. We were able to see musical acts like Lionel Richie, Outkast, and Kanye West.

As Kanye performed onstage, there was a pause in the music. He stood centerstage with the microphone in his hand and began to thank everyone for being there. Where most artists would have stopped though, Kanye continued. For 20 minutes.

I don't remember much of what was said, but one thing stood out to me: "This is a glorious occasion."

It was his wife's birthday, which he celebrated, but it was also a moment of someone truly appreciating the fruits of their labor. Here we were, standing in a crowd of people we didn't know, enjoying such a glorious occasion.

Every Sunday, in some small way, we are all able to partake in a similar celebration. The whole point of this league isn't to talk shit or to establish dominance over one another, it's to partake in something as a whole. As we all grow older and in different directions, we can rely on a few Sundays in the Fall where we celebrate what was, what is, and what will always be.

This weekend, and every weekend to come, is a glorious occasion. Enjoy it.

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This weekend's blog is obviously late, but I powered through and wrote a shorter one than usual. Enjoy:

1.) (LW #4) For Whom Le Bell Tolls, 2-0 [113.5 PPG, .230 NPRP]

THE KING OF THE LEAGUE BABY.

Not only did Nick take over the top spot in the rankings with a dominant performance over the previous #1, but he also took over the top all-time win/loss percentage over Melinda. The view is good from the top.

Did I mention that I don’t even have LeVeon yet? Silly me.

What can you say? I mean, Russell Wilson is hurt and has hardly scored at all, the Crow is in midseason form (CUH CAW!) and spirits are high as we head into another top-3 matchup against Eddie.

It’s going to be a tough week. I’m not going to lie. But for now I’m going to just play loose and see what happens.

2.) (LW #3) Fast Eddie, 2-0 [112 PPG, .226 NPRP]

Last season Eddie started out 0-2, barely missing the triple digit mark in both games. Week Three he faced off against a second-ranked 2-0 Nick Brown team where he would put up a career high 159 points.

Eddie would rub it in with phrases like “I can’t believe I won that easy!” “I mean, my team is so bad!” and “Did you see [insert garbage player]’s 80+ yard touchdown? haHAA!”

Nick would hold these moments closely, for he knew a time would come when they would face off again, where he would seek revenge. That revenge would come in Week 11, where Nick squeaked by 62-52.

This will be their 3^rd matchup. The slate is clean and Eddie is looking to take back the advantage. Fantasy experts all week have pointed out that the top 2 fantasy players to own this week are DeAngelo Williams and David Johnson. They both have easy matchups, they both play for high-scoring offenses, and Eddie owns them both.

Realistically, there is no reason Eddie should not win this game to become the king of the league…but I’m not worried.

Eddie does not have the better team. Even if he wins this week, he loses DeAngelo Williams to my LeVeon Bell. Come week 13, Eddie’s team won’t be the high-scoring monster it is right now. And even in it’s current state, he’s hardly won both games.

Win or lose, we all know Eddie isn’t a contender yet. It’s up to him to prove it.

3.) (LW #5) The Real McCoys, 2-0 [105 PPG, .212 NPRP]

When I first saw Ryan’s team name, I was really impressed that he pulled such a deep cut for a name. I mean, I thought I was the only one who loved the Kim Basinger/Val Kilmer 1993 heist movie.

The plot is incredible. Kim Basinger is an ex-con who is released from prison with a plan to go straight, but none other than her parole officer reels her back in with one last heist. Amazing.

You were the world, Kim...

Anyways, you can imagine my disappointment when I discovered that the Real McCoy means “the real deal.” But, I have to say: The name fits.

Ryan has really put a quiet stamp on the league since he came in. Last season he made playoffs after an incredible 6-game winning streak. After a 3-year Hewett drought, Ryan was over .500 in his first year. Now he’s already 2-0 and averaging a steady 105 PPG even without Gronk heading into a matchup into the already-dwindling Matt Smith.

Ryan will blow him out of the water and move up at least one spot come next weekend, mark my words.

4.) (LW #2) Joe Buck Yourself, 2-0 [97.5 PPG, .197 NPRP]

The Birthday boy got an early present from the league’s bottom dweller as he pulled off a scary 72-54 win. But no matter the score, the defending champ will take any wins he can get after only scoring 4 total points from his top 2 picks through 2 weeks.

Sean may be 4^th in the rankings (ESPN even has him 2^nd), but he’s 6^th in scoring. He is, however, the league leader in fewest points against. I’d hate to say this on his birthday right after his top pick was placed on IR…but is Sean about to have a lucky season? In both weeks 1 and 2 he has played a bottom-4 scoring team (Dave and Corey).

Looking at Sean's strength of schedule like...

In fact, not a single one of Sean’s opponents thus far has registered a win. The first team he’ll face that does? Gabe, this week, with the 3^rd lowest-scoring team in the league.

After this week he’ll have back-to-back games against Ryan and Eddie, who are both currently undefeated. But Sean, for now, stands as the lone undefeated team in his division. I don’t see a way this dude doesn’t make playoffs, with or without AP.

5.) (LW #1) Chicken Sammy, 1-1 [119 PPG, .180 NPRP]

The sun was beginning to dip just over the horizon as Matt got in his beamer. He flexed as he turned the keys, adjusting his rear view mirror as the LED lit up with a teal “W” on the compass.

“Huh. I never knew the sun set in the West. That’s cool.”

He smiled. You learn something new every day, I suppose. He checked his phone as it vibrated to the sound of 5 text messages:

“Great workout today Brojo Jojo” said some dude named Kyle that Matt ditched the UFC Christmas party to eat tacos with.

“Hey boo. Jamaica or Bora Bora this weekend?” said Margareth.

“Matt. I need help. I’m lost. Our train back to Sweden got robbed and now I’m stu-“ Matt marked Curtis’ text as read as he started to think about where he and Margie would go that weekend.

“I have always wanted to go listen to the Dirty Heads,” he thought as he was leaning towards Jamaica. Matt backed his car out of the 2 spots he was parked in and hopped on the road.

“Bora Bora does have some nice beaches though”…he thought as his little tummy started to rumble.

“Better go get the usual.”

Matt banked right to pull into the Subway parking lot by his house. As he got out he could smell the delicious deli meats wafting in the air. This would be the post-workout meal of kings.

The bell jingled as he enter the sandwich shop, immediately followed by the friendly greeting of the patron Sandwich smith, Julio.

“Hello Mr. Matt!” said Julio, beaming in the glow of the external dusk. “What’ll it be today?”

“Chicken Sammy, Number 9!” Matt exclaimed much to Julio’s delight.

“Excellent choice, Mr. Matt!” Julio responded as he applied his gloves.

Julio reached into the bread box and pulled out a 10-inch footlong for Matt, slicing it along the seam like a skilled receiver against a bad defense. But as Julio reached for the chicken breast, he gasped.

“Oh No, Mr. Matt! The chicken is all gone!”

“What do you mean it’s all gone?”

“I mean we have no chicken breast, Mr. Matt! We’re all out!”

“Then get me the rotisserie chicken.”

“All gone!”

“Buffalo?”

“All gone!”

“Barbecue?”

“Mr. Matt it’s all gone!”

Matt started to sweat profusely. What was he going to do without his chicken Sammy? The room began to spin as he entered a no-gainz-induced vertigo. In an effort to stabilize himself, he looked up at the lone TV in the corner of the shop. For some reason they were airing the daily wrap up on CNBC.

“And in shocking news, Chicken sales have plummeted after a massive recall following the mass injury of chickens everywhere. Just last week thousands of farms were reporting that their chickens all suffered leg injuries that could halt chicken Sammy production for the rest of the quarter.”

Matt began to weep. No chicken Sammy? But I was the king! The king always has his chicken sammies!

“Mr. Matt…” Julio whispered as Matt turned his teary gaze towards the register.

“That one was for Will.”

The King of the .500 teams was downed last weekend as Matty Ice got beat by 127-92. That, folks, is what we call a barn burner.

Matt’s team is projected to lose by almost 10 points this week, but I feel as though he’ll continue his downfall against an undefeated Ryan.

6.) (LW #11) Roger Rodger, 1-1 [97 PPG, .147 NPRP]

Cheryl blew the doors off this week as she took her husband’s team out to the trash heap. Scoring 44 more points than her week 1 loss, it certainly feels like Cheryl is putting it all together.

With huge games from Forte, Tucker, and the Broncos D/ST (and little to no help from her WRs) this is roster that is dynamic enough to be a powerhouse as things come together. While she can’t expect 30 points from Forte every week, A Rob and co will be scoring more to balance things out.

Cheryl has also found her name in the top-6 again this season, meaning that she’s be in the playoffs if the season ended right now. Knowing Cheryl’s capabilities and seeing her roster perform like this, I’d say a playoff appearance is no stretch of the imagination. After all, she is the only woman to hoist the trophy.

Cheryl coming on the scene like Jen after Brad's divorce

Cheryl doesn’t necessarily get a cupcake matchp this week, but I’d say it’s at least a brownie game: She’s a 5 point favorite against the Conservative Condor Bob Brown. Knowing Cheryl (and the fact that she hasn’t lost to Bobby B since 2013), I’m giving her the edge here in her quest for a second ring.

7.) (LW #7) Strictly Bangers, 1-1 [96 PPG, .146 NPRP]

The Reaganator almost did it again. With one player left come Monday night, Bobby needed just a mere 3 points from Fat Eddy to tie with Gabe. As I watched, all I wanted in this world was for Bobby B to tie the game only to lose via a tiebreaker…unfortunately that didn’t happen.

I spoke to Robert about the possibility of another tie, and if he would be voting for decimal scoring come next season. He laughed at first and said “I’d probably wind up tying and losing only to find out that I would have won without it.”

The whole point of decimal scoring is so ties wont happen...

Pessimistic thoughts from the man who preaches optimism…

Robert faces off this week against a resurgent Cheryl Smith, whom he had some fighting words for had Cheryl agreed to attend the league potluck. Unfortunately we will all have to resort to Bobby B complaining about getting double-digits from his running backs while TY Hilton gets shut down and he loses by…let’s say…28?

8.) (LW #5) 1.21 Jiggawatts, 1-1 [82.5 PPG, .125 NPRP]

Gabe came into this season ready to set the league on fire as a way to redeem himself after his 2012 season. After week one we saw his hard work pay off as he cruised to a win…but as week two came to a close we saw a wildly different team in a 71-68 loss. The scariest thing about Gabe’s team isn’t his roster, however, it’s who he reminds me of.  

Through 2 weeks, Gabe has added 18 different people to his roster, more than double the additions of second-place Eddie (8). Gabe’s research come draft time played dividends, but it worries me that Gabe is questioning his moves more than he is enjoying the fruits of his labor.

Gabe managing his players

Eddie, Robert, Melinda…these are the owners most commonly associated with the “Flavor of the Week” approach (picking up whatever player did well the last weekend). Fortunately Gabe does not succumb to this, as he instead adds sleeper fill-ins for injured players, but the path may be just as turbulent as the more conventional school of waivers wire pickups.

No matter how Gabe plays this weekend against undefeated Sean, we all know that he’ll be on top of Waivers come Tuesday night. And this might be for the good of him and the league.

9.) (LW #9) Rank This, 0-2 [99 PPG, .100 NPRP]

Dave is 3^rd all-time in Power Rankings. He is 5^th all-time in win percentage. And yet, over the last 20 games (spanning back to 2014) Dave has only won 8 games. That’s only 40%. To put that into perspective, Corey “The Stepping Stone” Hewett has won 7 games during that same span, making Dave second-worst in the league.

How's that for a ranking, Dave?

If you were to ask Dave, he’d point out how he’s been playing longer than ISIS has been in existence, and that he has 1 championship even though he’s half-blind from a lacrosse accident so he doesn’t even watch football so much as he experiences it and blah blah blah. But in reality, I think the numbers are reflecting what we’ve known all along: This guy can’t compete.

If you were asked, gun to your head, who the top 3 owners in this league are, Is Dave one of them? Is he top 5?

I know it’s early in the season, but let’s look at his team thus far: Dave has 3 top-10 players. One is his kicker, which is negligible. And the other two, as Dave’s classic ownership would have it, play for the same team. THREE of his starters are in the 40-range, which is miserable. He’s even set to start an injured player right now.

I know I begged and pleaded for him to stay last week, but I have to ask: Is Dave already checked out?

10.) (LW #8) Schweddy Rawls, 0-2 [96.5 PPG, .098 NPRP]

As I have the past 2 weeks, I planned on coming in here and blasting Lindy on her first 0-2 start. I wanted to lambast her by pointing out that her passive aggressive reverse jinxes have slowly become prophecies of her own demise, but let’s look at the bigger picture here: This team is impressive.

Lindy is currently in possession of a top-10 QB (despite drafting a QB last), a top-10 kicker, and 2 top-10 WRs. Her tight end is as consistent as the day is long, and so is this team. In her two losses, Lindy put up 97 points in a tiebreaking loss, and 96 points to a red-hot Fast Eddie.

Over the past 4 years, no champion has ever finished 1^st or 2^nd in total PPG. In fact, the champion is usually 4^th in scoring (an average rank of 4.25, to be precise). Mom is currently 8^th but, using standard deviation and understanding that over the course of 13 weeks no team will average 120 PPG, she should finish in the 4-6 range.

Tracking that as well as her current record, Melinda is technically on pace for a deep playoff run if history repeats itself (and she manages this roster correctly).

Laugh at her downfall as much as you like, I sure am. But don’t be surprised if December brings the chill of Lindy’s lattes and a playoff run.

With a few weeks like this sprinkled in

11.) (LW #12) Woody’s Roundup, 0-2 [78 PPG, .079 NPRP]

The tragedy that is Woody’s Roundup can best be encapsulated by this weekend’s events. First, the namesake of Will’s roster went down with a season-ending injury while his first overall pick played in such a manner that the LA Rams’ head coach had to publicly say, “Trust us, he’s good.”

Jeff Fischer processing anything

This isn’t even bringing up the fact that Will’s RB2 AND WR1, Jonathan Stewart and Brandon Marshall, were also injured on Sunday. During a brutal 2 weeks on the injury front, Will has taken the brunt of it.

Still, with 3 injured players Will has still avoided staying in last place for a third straight week, and that’s as silver of a lining as I could find.

As we approach Week 3, Will faces off with Melinda in Vegas’ sleeper game of the week, the loser of which will fall to 0-3 for the first time in their careers. Will William’s championship DNA pull out the victory? Or will Lindy lay the whoopin on her baby boy?

12.) (LW #10) Langford Things, 0-2 [67 PPG, .068 NPRP]

We had a chance, people. With just the Monday night game remaining, Corey led Sean 48-28, which would seemingly lead to the lowest scoring finish in league history.

Unfortunately, Sean’s flock of Eagles had to go off and give him enough points to comfortably defeat Corey, pushing him to 0-2 for the 2^nd straight year (and 4^th time in 5 years). How can one team be so cursed?

I mean, what did Corey ever do to curse himself so badly that he has found himself dead last for the 5^th consecutive year? What otherworldly power has cast Chip to the depths of the league, scoring an abysmal 67 points per game? Whose fault is it that this happens year after year?

I think we all know the obvious answer: It’s his own fault. Corey has yet to accept the blame for these transgressions against the league, a step that might be the first on his road to fantasy recovery.

Is it his fault that ODB and Dez haven’t scored points? Not at all. Is it his fault that his starting RBs play for two of the worst teams in the league? Yes. I thought it was a bit of an overstep to question his draft (one that I highly approved of), but maybe this team was a bit of a mistake.

Nick's Power Rankings - Week Two

After 2.5 years of working in the fight business, you learn to appreciate things that the average person wouldn't notice. MMA isn't a team sport, and even though you have coaches and trainers, when the door to the cage closes you're on your own.

Some people see MMA as a human cockfight. Some see it as an obscene stance on masculinity. But some people see it as a way of life: That the only way to live is to push yourself beyond the plateaus to hit as high a peak as you can in this world.

I'll never forget watching an interview with an older Brazilian fighter who never made it into the UFC. He was in his late 30's and only had one shot left of making it to the big stage. Many fighters make bold claims about how they'll knock their opponent out, or how they'll destroy them for 15 to 25 minutes. A few go so far as to predict the exact minute that they will win the fight...but not this guy.

The interviewer was trying their best to get a good soundbite: "What are you going to do to him?" "What will happen when the door closes?" "How will you finish him?"

The old Brazilian took to that last question. He knew he was being baited, so he responded.

"I do not promise a finish," he said, lackluster but still determined.

"I promise a war and the end."

 You can never predict how these things turn out. Sure, we all go in saying that we're going to win the Championship (unless we're Lindy and we tell everyone how bad we are in a transparent attempt to reverse jinx yourself into wins), but only one of us will come December. We can't promise a finish.

What we can promise, though, is a war and the end. We can go at this thing week after week with all the love and rage and passion involved and make this season better than any other season. We can talk smack and meet up at the Brown potluck once a month and laugh off bad losses while beaming in big wins until the end comes for us. We can laugh and seeth and walk off into the offseason because that's all we know will happen: This season will eventually end.

I bring this up because, even after the season has started we don't know how this thing turns out. Last year, Sean lost to Dave in week 1. While Dave wound up placing 9th, Sean took home a shiny trophy and a couple hundred bucks. No matter how much you beat your opponent by or how badly you lost, it is still WAY too early to react.

This is the best time of the year. Sit back, relax, and let the football happen. We can figure all the other stuff out later. Don't fret that your championship dreams are ruined in September. Just come back the next week with a war, and prepare for the end.

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For those of you who don't remember (or Gabe), these rankings are based off of analytics I've created that takes into account your record, your points per game, and what percentage of total points scored you own. All you need to worry about is your NPRP (or Nick's Power Ranking Percentage). The higher your NPRP, the better your ranking each week.

Welcome back. It's an honor and a privilege to present: The Week Two Power Rankings. Enjoy!

1.) (LW #2) Chicken Sammy, 1-0 (146 PPG, .284 NPRP)

“I look in your eyes so bright, I've seen this look before,

I watch your gestures as you walk out the door,

To hear you speak, as if it's an echo I've heard,

You are just like your father without saying a word.”

The immortal Linda Bankston of scrapbook.com said it better than I ever could. I wanted nothing more than to come in here and cry “Luck!” while torching every small decision Matt has made throughout the course of his life, but I’ve done that before. In the preseason I picked his team apart piece by piece before he even tied for 2^nd in a League poll of “Who would finish dead last?”

The league is against Matt and his team. Of the 3 people who submitted picks for last week’s matchups, ZERO picked Matt. This game has to be an outlier, right? Surely he caught fire and will spend of the season crashing and burning…

This is all sounding too familiar...

Or have we seen this in a Smith before? I distinctly remember the 2013 Dave Smith campaign, where Dave was the laughing stock of the draft, getting dismantled on this very blog week after week while still winning game after game. Was it luck? Yes, but we all know that most of fantasy football is luck. This is simply history repeating itself.

So instead of repeating my past transgressions, I’m going to cautiously praise Matt for his incredible management.

Hey Matt! Great work this week! You wound up scoring your 2^nd highest point total ever! Wow! I particularly love you scoring that many points while your 3 TE’s scoring a total of 2 points. I hope you find a way to play all three at once someday.

Looks like your All-WR strategy is working out, huh? I mean, AJ Green and Willie Snead putting up 56 points combined is insane. I can see them doing that every week. It’s funny because I remember your Dad using a Saints WR too…But enough about that. Let’s talk about how insane your running back depth is. I mean, I hope that my team can have a kicker that outscores all of my running backs every week.

The most hilarious team in football

This week Matt faces off against little ol’ me and boy does he have me shaking in my boots. But I need to warn you, Matt: You haven’t gone 2-0 since 2014 and you haven’t beaten good ol’ Nicky B since 2013. But hey, at least you’ve still never lost in Week One.

2.) (LW #10) Joe Buck Yourself, 1-0 (123 PPG, .240 NPRP)

So far it seems that Sean has responded as the defending champion. Whereas Matt blew out an opponent who was having an off week, Sean scorched a team that was having a solid outing. Even with a terrible outing by his QB, Sean put up the second highest point total so far this year.

Sean is 8-2 over his last 10 games, which stands as the best in the league. Even more impressively though, is that he holds that record despite the analytics being against him.

The champ has regressed every single year that he has been in The Captain’s League: Starting at 9-4, then 8-5, followed by 2 straight 7-6 seasons. Will this be the year Sean goes 6-7?

I doubt it.

Sean is currently in first place in the weakest division in possibly league history. Not one team other than Sean’s made playoffs last year, which bodes well for his chances at a repeat. Add in the fact that only one other team in his division topped 100 points last week and Sean can pretty much rest his starters for the rest of the season.

As I mentioned previously, Sean decimated the once great Rank This in a game where only 2 of 3 fellow owners saw him winning. Now, with Week 2 on the horizon, Sean has the revenge game of all revenge games as he faces Corey Hewett, who he hasn’t beaten since Week 5 of…wait for it…2012.

According to Vegas oddsmakers, Sean is favored by 2, but I’ve just received word that $4 billion worth of Ford Mustangs have been driven into the MGM Grand by none other than UFC Fighter Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone.

Get your bets in, boys.

3.) (LW #6) Fast Eddie, 1-0 (121 PPG, .236 NPRP)

What can you say about a man so fast that he has broken the sound barrier?

While Bangers brought their best beatdown, Fast Eddie was too swift to lose. In the most Eduard Boyadijian way imaginable, the man overcame a 60-deficit to strike down Bobby B as Lord Commander of the HOA.

Now where do we begin while discussing such a team?

Let’s begin by addressing these tight ends. Note that I have used the plural to indicate that, for whatever reason, Eddie has 2 completely healthy big men. But no matter how many he had or how big they were, they still combined for a big ol’ goose egg. What a shame. The best part though was that, as of this writing, Eddie has already dropped out a league high 6 players from his post-draft roster, and yet he has yet to drop either of these 2 tight ends.

Every player on Eddie's team come waivers

Next we will move on to Eddie’s fast pickups of, you guessed it, players who got hot one week. Alex Smith, a player who needed to throw the entire second half despite being on a run-first offense and Mike Wallace, a veteran so reliable that he has been dropped 3 times in 3 years before failing his conditioning test in Baltimore. Enjoy those hot pickups.

It is a wonder, however, that all 3 of our voting owners selected Eddie to beat the once-relevant Robert Brown this past week. I myself didn’t make picks, but there’s no way I would have picked the guy who scrambled to pick up the Chiefs’ 3^rd string running back.

Despite my distate for this roster though, Eddie caught fire (Particularly his 2 Steelers). I know I’m not the only one who can already hear Eddie wondering why DeAngelo Williams lost his “starting job” come week 4. And even though we saw such a sizzling performance from the Sultan of Speed, there are still so many unanswered questions:

Why is Eddie benching Latavius Murray over Donte Moncrief? Will Eddie set the record for pickups for the 2^nd straight year? Will he ever learn how to properly execute a waiver claim so as to not show his hand? What savage comment will he say after his next victory? What team is Sandie a lifelong fan of this week?

These answers and more will probably never be answered.

4.) (LW #3) For Whom Le Bell Tolls, 1-0 (100 PPG, .195 NPRP)

History is such a strange thing. Just last year, Nicky B opened the season with a win against Cheryl, which led to him dropping from 3^rd to 4^th in the Power Rankings, only to beat #1 Matt Smith in Week 2 by a HUGE margin.

The only difference between last year and this year is that the Bell is out until Week 4. In other words, this man is playing without one of his studs and he still dropped a hundy. Not bad.

Leaked footage of Nick in Seattle

I know that we were all frustrated by ESPN’s garbage service on Sunday morning, which prevented may of us from even seeing the score of our matchups. But the most pleasant thing was, when the app came back online, seeing that I was still ahead despite having only 4 players play. What a team this might be.

Still, all is not sunshine and roses, as your boy has yet to figure out his RB2 and FLEX situations. While in year’s past he normally has 3 stud WRs to play at all times, he is currently left choosing between a rookie and a regressing Wide Receiver from Jacksonville. Yuck.

But as he presses on against the top ranked team in the league, we all have to ask ourselves: Is this the year Nick breaks the curse? Is this the season where he finally takes home that trophy that he has obsessed over for 5 years?

With only one week in the books, I doubt it.

5.) (LW #1) 1.21 Jiggawatts, 1-0 (97 PPG, .189 NPRP)

Welcome back

Gabe’s last win came in Week 12 of 2012, where he edged out Nick by a score of 114 to 113. This would be Gabe’s 3^rd and final win of the season (the other two coming with victories over Corey and Matt).

Gabe finished 8^th out of 8 that season, which brought up questions when he was re-instated this past Summer. Is Gabe a stepping stone for the League Elites? Will he put in the effort or will he give up? Will he have the time while balancing a PhD and a family of 5?

Gabe after his first big win

But Gabe, like a great athlete listening to Beats by Dre’s noise-cancelling headphones, tuned out the haters and focused on one thing: Winning. And boy has it paid off so far.

In a matchup with the always questionable Corey Hewett, 2 of our owners who made picks selected Gabe to win his debut. It seemed as though his hard work and research paid off as his carefully selected team beat his newfound rival by a solid 17 points, giving Mr. Lenetsky a 2-1 record against Corey.

And, while Gabe just missed out on debuting with a triple digit score, he has to stand proud with the knowledge that he is starting off the 2016 season in the upper half of the rankings.

Now, coming into Week 2, Gabe faces off with an owner so trigger happy that he’s starting the WR3 for the Patriots. A man so fearful that he picked up Jameis Winston despite having the highest scoring quarterback in the league. That’s right, Gabe has a chance to continue his win streak against the skiddish Robert Brown.

Vegas has Gabe coming in as an 8 point favorite, but I’m not sure that 8 points is enough. If Gabe doesn’t win this game by double digits then consider it a loss.

5.) (LW #5) The Real McCoys, 0-1 (96 PPG, .094 NPRP)

My actual reaction Thursday morning

The true Comeback Kid has returned. In all my years of running this league, I do not remember a time that a stat correction tied the game and gave a different team the win. In the not-too-distant future we will all be sitting down watching a 30 for 30 about the time the Real McCoys came back. They’ll call it…”Wild West.”

Just as I was coming in thinking of things to say to roast this team like Ann Coulter, I see that the tide has turned and Ryan now stands in the upper sanctum of the League. Whether we believe it or not, Ryan is Elite as of Week 1.

Now, we can obviously sit here and discuss the fact that he won’t be come Week 10, or point out that last season he went farther into the playoffs than any other Hewett before him after getting bounced in the 1^st round. This may also be the appropriate time to question whether or not he choked after going on a 4-game losing streak leading up to playoffs, but let’s move past all of that and discuss the “elite” Ryan Hewett.

This man, like the man 1 spot above him in the rankings, won his 2016 opener without playing his first round draft pick, which is a feat in and of itself. More impressively, however, Ryan won this game with 6 of his 9 starters scoring double digits. That kind of consistency is what wins championships. He didn’t have any huge performances, but his entire roster put in about 10 points to give him a solid first win.

Even though I said I was looking forward to roasting this team, I can’t find anything bad to say about it thus far: The only players to not score 10 points simply had off weeks in my opinion. Although, if we look at his bench, there is one thing that concerned me…

Why is Ryan rostering a running back that got cut 2 weeks ago? Even after I looked at him and said “Hey, you know Hillman is going to get cut, right?” Ryan just kept him. Is this the new Terrell Owens or Randy Moss, forever being rostered as a tribute to the greatness (or in this case mediocrity) that once was?

7.) (LW #11) Strictly Bangers, 0-1 (121 PPG, .118 NPRP)

In 1971, Jefferson Airplane released “Bark,” which was described by Rolling Stone magazine as the band’s “most magnuminious opus since ‘After Bathing at Baxter's,’ and even if its woof and whissshh ain't quite as supersonic as some of their other platters, it'll getcha there on time just like an amyl nitrite TV Dinner garnished this time with a little Valium.”

The album climbed as high as 11^th on Billboard’s charts, with it’s single “Pretty As You Feel” remaining as one of the band’s final hits. Another song on the album, “Never Argue With a German When You’re Tired,” was written by Grace Slick, and while it was not as well-received, it played some significance in the fate of Jefferson Airplane.

The song was inspired by an incident with Slick where she nearly died in a car accident while illegally street racing with a Jorma Kaukonen. “Never Argue With a German When You’re Tired” was an elaborate joke of sorts, and yet 7 years after it’s release when the band played in Germany, Slick did not take her own advice.

Slick was tired (and drunk) and taunted the German crowd, nearly inciting a riot as she was kicked out of the concert hall and the band. She should have taken her own advice.

This, dear friends, is what we call “irony.” It could also, in some ways, be seen as a form of karmic justice, which is our theme of this little roast.

You stepped in the wrong blog, boy

Two years ago, at the first annual rules summit, I proposed a change in the scoring system that would create a decimal system. My system was simple: .1 points for every rushing or receiving yard (still totaling 1 full point per 10 yards), .04 points per passing yard (still totaling 1 point per 25 yards). This system would virtually eliminate ties and bring forth more accurate analysis of players and teams. In my biased opinion, it would bring our league into the 21^st Century.

Many opposed this rule, stating that it was “too complicated” and “too hard to keep track of” despite the fact that ESPN has always kept track of scores for us as we are not Neanderthals scribbling scores on bar napkins. “Whatever,” I thought, “Someone will lose via a tiebreaker and it’ll change their tune.”

Last season, in Week One, Robert “As Far Right as Texas because that’s where America starts and stops” Brown, who voted against this scoring system, lost to his youngest son via a tiebreaker. The score was 85 to 85. After doing some calculations, however, I discovered that Bobby B would have won with 89.66 points to Will’s 89.32 had fractional scoring been implemented.

I laughed and mocked Dad’s fear of change. There were political jabs and pot shots about losing to a team that drafted an injured Wide Receiver in the 2^nd round. I used this fire to try and bring forth another vote for fractional scoring at the 2016 Rules Summit, where it was shot down again.

Bobby “Can We Please Elect Reagan’s Scarlet Red Corpse and Make America Great Again” B once again voted against the system that would have awarded him not just the win, but a Playoff berth as well.

Remember Grace Slick? Well, Roberto “Roll Tide” Marrón was just tired and arguing with a German, because he once again lost a tiebreaker in Week One, 121 to 121. And guess what? Someone would have won if fractional scoring was implemented…

That’s right, even as DeAngelo Williams ran a trail of tears through the Washington Racists’ defense, Bobby B would have slept soundly as he won 125.12 to 124.4.

Fast Eddie will haunt you forever

As you got to bed tonight with this knowledge, Robert, repeat after Aaron Sorkin:

"Gratias tibi ago, domine. Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto, a deo scito? Cruciatus in crucem. Tuus in terra servus, nuntius fui. Officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem!"

Just as you pray that this loss does not prevent you from reaching playoffs, I pray that next time your hubris does not stand in the way of progress.

8.) (LW #7) Schweddy Rawls, 1-0 (97 PPG, .189 NPRP)

While everyone focused on the unfortunate demise of the older half of the Brown marriage, we must shine a quick (and possibly harsh) spotlight on the red-headed half.

After another offseason of hearing about how bad her team would be, we were all graced with a miracle this week. With just 3 minutes to go in Monday Night Football, the hapless Kirk Cousins threw a garbage time lob to Jordan Reed, who unfortunately hobbled 10 yards before getting injured on a mundane tackle, securing Lindy’s win.

Or so we thought.

As Thursday morning rolled around, we received word of ESPN’s stat corrections, which awarded an extra point to Ryan’s team, tying the game and giving him the tiebreaker win. What a wild finish.

Make sure to bust out the cheap vodka this weekend, as Lindy’s going to be throwing Bloody Marias down like the Escobar. This is going to be a hard loss to swallow as she turns her focus on the fearsome Fast Eddie.

With her “worst roster ever,” and her cries of mediocrity, one lone owner thought Lindy had a shot of pulling out a win this past week. “How,” you might ask? I honestly have no idea.

It's her roster

Melinda does not own a top-20 running back thus far, a feat that astonishes even me. Even better, she refuses to trade for depth at the position as she then “wouldn’t know who to start.”

While her Wide Receivers are above average, there are other tandems that I would prefer. Perhaps she could trade one if it finally suits her, or drop one of he 2 QB’s and/or Defenses.

When it boils down to it, Lindy is one of the best team owners in the league, and I know that I will rue the day that I doubted her abilities. But for now, this doesn’t look like a playoff contender.

9.) (LW #8) Rank This, 0-1 (91 PPG, .089 NPRP)

What can you say about Dave’s fantasy teams that hasn’t been said? The man is the Fantasy equivalent of Taylor Lautner. He was successful for something that never should have reasonably been successful and then disappeared into oblivion.

But now, after news broke that Dave was considering retirement from the league, I need to ask if it was something I did.

Is it me, Dave? Are the things I’ve written about your teams too harsh? Do you feel that the entire league (other than your loving wife and successful son) is against you? Do you really think all we want is for you to lose for a draft pick made 3 years ago?

Because we do.

Dave, never in a million years would I want to see you leave this league. I know you aren’t considering a full-on retirement, but I can’t imagine things without you anymore. You were the inspiration for this entire blog. And I know that, whether you admit it or not, you thrive on being roasted.

I mean, even your team name is a direct response to the Rankings. You love it, and we love you. I have no idea what this second league of yours is offering you that makes you want to stay with them and leave us, but we’re simply better and you hate to admit it.

C’mon Dave, give us a reason to hate your team again. Make some absurd decisions. Be the wildcard that you were always destined to be before Eddie takes that from you.

Now, back to your rank: I’ve ranked you at 9^th because your team is…uninspired. I love Lamar Miller, and I love me some Cammy, but what else is going on here? Your best receiver isn’t even the best receiver on his own team. Your second best receiver is like a 5 foot version of the first. This team is like the Lethal Weapon franchise: It has 2 good stars, a serviceable 3^rd or 4^th that come into play sometimes, and it’s better for a laugh than for getting things done.

It’s not too late for you, David. You still have a place in the league’s elite where we all sit and ask how in the world you belong there. Then you’ll laugh, pull out your Fantasy Resume and say “I, too, was a champion.”

10.) (LW # 9) Langford Things, 0-1 (80 PPG, .078 NPRP)

Corey looking at the rankings every week

I really don’t know what to say about the Comeback (to Last Place) Kid. I didn’t bother checking his score because it’s just kind of automatic that he’s not going to win most weeks.

In a game that was shaping up to become a somewhat heated rivalry after the “Big Mistake” incident, Corey’s squad sputtered out as it has in years past. It’s games like these that earned Corey 2 votes in the “Who will finish last” poll.

And, while his team is sexier than other higher ranked rosters like Lindy’s, his pickups are what always make Corey questionable. Take this week for instance: Corey’s waiver pickup was Larry Donnell at Tight End. Larry is 11^th in TE’s right now in terms of points scored, which sounds great…but he only had one catch last week for 10 yards and a TD. Do literally any research and you’ll find that Larry has never had more than 40 yards in a game. If he doesn’t score a TD then you’re probably getting a goose egg.

And once you stop looking at Chip’s starters, you realize the ugly truth: This dude is gambling on injuries. Hightower, Morris, Duke Johnson…they all play the role of backup for their respective teams, and Corey is holding on hoping for injuries to take him where he has never gone before: A Winning season.

There's a hole where you win should be

Corey’s team name this year: Langford Things, is a play on the hit Netflix series Stranger Things. The Strangest thing, though, would be him making playoffs for once.

In the year of our Lord, 2016, year of the underdog, I hope he does.

11.) (LW #4) Roger Rodger, 0-1 (75 PPG, .073 NPRP)

Yikes. That’s really all there is to say at this point: Yikes.

Cheryl put up the 2^nd lowest total from Week One, which (on the bright side) was one point more than he total in a Week One loss last season, but this time around she only had 3 players who scored double digits.

Yikes.

While we here at the office love Cheryl’s new team name, it’s the actual players that are hard to smile at. Her first 2 picks combined for 11 points, her 3 wide receivers combined for less than her QB, and from the looks of it they weren’t even necessarily bad days from any of those players:

Forte scored 14 points and has always been known as a consistent player in that range. Allen Robinson hit 7 points, which isn’t stellar but one touchdown changes that. John Brown revealed his downside as the 3^rd WR on his own team, netting zero, while Delanie Walker proved to be a regular tight end on a bad offense.

Other than maybe Devonta Freeman, there weren’t any surprises, and Cheryl set her lineup the same as anyone would. It’s really not her fault as an owner, she just has a bad team so far…but at least it’s not the worst…

12.) (LW #12) Woody’s Roundup, 0-1 (65 PPG, .063 NPRP)

You’re probably asking what the biggest blowout in league history is. Don’t worry, I looked it up…

When I asked everyone to make picks and 3 people responded, I wasn’t surprised to find that all 3 picked Will over Matt. It was an easy choice, in my opinion. The kid was robbed by these websites that placed him as the unanimous 12^th place team, just as the league was robbed to have to face Matt as a top 2 team for another week. Both instnces were a complete bastardization of these rankings.

The more I dug into it, I didn’t see Matt winning in week one. Will had all the right matchups. Sure, he benched Baldwin when I would have started him, but that’s a simple question of preference. No matter what Will had done, I was not ready for the hellfire that came upon him in Week One.

I was sitting in a basement in Seattle, surrounded by my lovely girlfriend and a gaggle of her Seahawk fan friends when I saw that the app was up.

“Nice,” I thought, “I’m still beating Cheryl. What a dandy start to the season.”

I scrolled.

“Wow! These games between Dad and Fast Eddie and Mom and Ryan are close! This is what Fantasy is all-“ That’s when I saw it.

It was one of the worst things to happen on September 11^th in the last 15 years. Matt was terrorizing my brother.

That joke wrote itself

Have you ever been sitting in a room surrounded by friends and loved ones and got the sudden urge to call a relative just to tell them that it was all going to be OK? Because that’s how I felt.

As Monday’s games came to a close and Todd Gurley was swallowed whole like Will’s pride as he erased “gg” from his messages, the final score read 146 to 65. A 78 point win for Matty “GTL without the L” Smith.

I needed to look up what the biggest blowout in The Captain’s League storied history was. And, thankfully, it wasn’t this disaster. In 2014, before the expansion from 10 people to 12, David “Glory Days” Smith committed a felony on Corey Hewett by beating him…

187 to 73

So rest easy, Will. You will be avenged and you will have your revenge. As we all need to remember…It’s only 1 week in. Welcome back you filthy animals.