Some people see MMA as a human cockfight. Some see it as an obscene stance on masculinity. But some people see it as a way of life: That the only way to live is to push yourself beyond the plateaus to hit as high a peak as you can in this world.
I'll never forget watching an interview with an older Brazilian fighter who never made it into the UFC. He was in his late 30's and only had one shot left of making it to the big stage. Many fighters make bold claims about how they'll knock their opponent out, or how they'll destroy them for 15 to 25 minutes. A few go so far as to predict the exact minute that they will win the fight...but not this guy.
The interviewer was trying their best to get a good soundbite: "What are you going to do to him?" "What will happen when the door closes?" "How will you finish him?"
The old Brazilian took to that last question. He knew he was being baited, so he responded.
"I do not promise a finish," he said, lackluster but still determined.
"I promise a war and the end."
You can never predict how these things turn out. Sure, we all go in saying that we're going to win the Championship (unless we're Lindy and we tell everyone how bad we are in a transparent attempt to reverse jinx yourself into wins), but only one of us will come December. We can't promise a finish.
What we can promise, though, is a war and the end. We can go at this thing week after week with all the love and rage and passion involved and make this season better than any other season. We can talk smack and meet up at the Brown potluck once a month and laugh off bad losses while beaming in big wins until the end comes for us. We can laugh and seeth and walk off into the offseason because that's all we know will happen: This season will eventually end.
I bring this up because, even after the season has started we don't know how this thing turns out. Last year, Sean lost to Dave in week 1. While Dave wound up placing 9th, Sean took home a shiny trophy and a couple hundred bucks. No matter how much you beat your opponent by or how badly you lost, it is still WAY too early to react.
This is the best time of the year. Sit back, relax, and let the football happen. We can figure all the other stuff out later. Don't fret that your championship dreams are ruined in September. Just come back the next week with a war, and prepare for the end.
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For those of you who don't remember (or Gabe), these rankings are based off of analytics I've created that takes into account your record, your points per game, and what percentage of total points scored you own. All you need to worry about is your NPRP (or Nick's Power Ranking Percentage). The higher your NPRP, the better your ranking each week.
Welcome back. It's an honor and a privilege to present: The Week Two Power Rankings. Enjoy!
1.) (LW #2) Chicken Sammy, 1-0 (146 PPG, .284 NPRP)
“I look in your eyes so bright, I've seen
this look before,
I watch your gestures as you walk out the
door,
To hear you speak, as if it's an echo I've
heard,
You are just like your father without
saying a word.”
The immortal Linda Bankston of
scrapbook.com said it better than I ever could. I wanted nothing more than to
come in here and cry “Luck!” while torching every small decision Matt has made
throughout the course of his life, but I’ve done that before. In the preseason
I picked his team apart piece by piece before he even tied for 2nd
in a League poll of “Who would finish dead last?”
The league is against Matt and his team. Of
the 3 people who submitted picks for last week’s matchups, ZERO picked Matt.
This game has to be an outlier, right? Surely he caught fire and will spend of
the season crashing and burning…
This is all sounding too familiar...
Or have we seen this in a Smith before? I
distinctly remember the 2013 Dave Smith campaign, where Dave was the laughing
stock of the draft, getting dismantled on this very blog week after week while
still winning game after game. Was it luck? Yes, but we all know that most of
fantasy football is luck. This is simply history repeating itself.
So instead of repeating my past
transgressions, I’m going to cautiously praise Matt for his incredible
management.
Hey Matt! Great work this week! You wound
up scoring your 2nd highest point total ever! Wow! I particularly
love you scoring that many points while your 3 TE’s scoring a total of 2
points. I hope you find a way to play all three at once someday.
Looks like your All-WR strategy is working
out, huh? I mean, AJ Green and Willie Snead putting up 56 points combined is
insane. I can see them doing that every week. It’s funny because I remember your
Dad using a Saints WR too…But enough about that. Let’s talk about how insane
your running back depth is. I mean, I hope that my team can have a kicker that
outscores all of my running backs every week.
The most hilarious team in football
This week Matt faces off against little ol’
me and boy does he have me shaking in my boots. But I need to warn you, Matt:
You haven’t gone 2-0 since 2014 and you haven’t beaten good ol’ Nicky B since
2013. But hey, at least you’ve still never lost in Week One.
2.) (LW #10) Joe Buck Yourself, 1-0 (123 PPG, .240 NPRP)
So far it seems that Sean has responded as
the defending champion. Whereas Matt blew out an opponent who was having an off
week, Sean scorched a team that was having a solid outing. Even with a terrible
outing by his QB, Sean put up the second highest point total so far this year.
Sean is 8-2 over his last 10 games, which
stands as the best in the league. Even more impressively though, is that he
holds that record despite the analytics being against him.
The champ has regressed every single year
that he has been in The Captain’s League: Starting at 9-4, then 8-5, followed
by 2 straight 7-6 seasons. Will this be the year Sean goes 6-7?
I doubt it.
Sean is currently in first place in the
weakest division in possibly league history. Not one team other than Sean’s
made playoffs last year, which bodes well for his chances at a repeat. Add in
the fact that only one other team in his division topped 100 points last week
and Sean can pretty much rest his starters for the rest of the season.
As I mentioned previously, Sean decimated
the once great Rank This in a game where only 2 of 3 fellow owners saw him
winning. Now, with Week 2 on the horizon, Sean has the revenge game of all
revenge games as he faces Corey Hewett, who he hasn’t beaten since Week 5
of…wait for it…2012.
According to Vegas oddsmakers, Sean is
favored by 2, but I’ve just received word that $4 billion worth of Ford
Mustangs have been driven into the MGM Grand by none other than UFC Fighter
Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone.
Get your bets in, boys.
3.) (LW #6) Fast Eddie, 1-0 (121 PPG, .236 NPRP)
What can you say about a man so fast that
he has broken the sound barrier?
While Bangers brought their best beatdown,
Fast Eddie was too swift to lose. In the most Eduard Boyadijian way imaginable,
the man overcame a 60-deficit to strike down Bobby B as Lord Commander of the
HOA.
Now where do we begin while discussing such
a team?
Let’s begin by addressing these tight ends.
Note that I have used the plural to indicate that, for whatever reason, Eddie
has 2 completely healthy big men. But no matter how many he had or how big they
were, they still combined for a big ol’ goose egg. What a shame. The best part
though was that, as of this writing, Eddie has already dropped out a league
high 6 players from his post-draft roster, and yet he has yet to drop either of
these 2 tight ends.
Every player on Eddie's team come waivers
Next we will move on to Eddie’s fast
pickups of, you guessed it, players who got hot one week. Alex Smith, a player
who needed to throw the entire second half despite being on a run-first offense
and Mike Wallace, a veteran so reliable that he has been dropped 3 times in 3
years before failing his conditioning test in Baltimore. Enjoy those hot
pickups.
It is a wonder, however, that all 3 of our
voting owners selected Eddie to beat the once-relevant Robert Brown this past
week. I myself didn’t make picks, but there’s no way I would have picked the
guy who scrambled to pick up the Chiefs’ 3rd string running back.
Despite my distate for this roster though,
Eddie caught fire (Particularly his 2 Steelers). I know I’m not the only one
who can already hear Eddie wondering why DeAngelo Williams lost his “starting
job” come week 4. And even though we saw such a sizzling performance from the
Sultan of Speed, there are still so many unanswered questions:
Why is Eddie benching Latavius Murray over
Donte Moncrief? Will Eddie set the record for pickups for the 2nd
straight year? Will he ever learn how to properly execute a waiver claim so as
to not show his hand? What savage comment will he say after his next victory?
What team is Sandie a lifelong fan of this week?
These answers and more will probably never
be answered.
4.) (LW #3) For Whom Le Bell Tolls, 1-0 (100 PPG, .195 NPRP)
History is such a strange thing. Just last
year, Nicky B opened the season with a win against Cheryl, which led to him
dropping from 3rd to 4th in the Power Rankings, only to
beat #1 Matt Smith in Week 2 by a HUGE margin.
The only difference between last year and
this year is that the Bell is out until Week 4. In other words, this man is
playing without one of his studs and he still dropped a hundy. Not bad.
Leaked footage of Nick in Seattle
I know that we were all frustrated by
ESPN’s garbage service on Sunday morning, which prevented may of us from even
seeing the score of our matchups. But the most pleasant thing was, when the app
came back online, seeing that I was still ahead despite having only 4 players
play. What a team this might be.
Still, all is not sunshine and roses, as
your boy has yet to figure out his RB2 and FLEX situations. While in year’s
past he normally has 3 stud WRs to play at all times, he is currently left
choosing between a rookie and a regressing Wide Receiver from Jacksonville.
Yuck.
But as he presses on against the top ranked
team in the league, we all have to ask ourselves: Is this the year Nick breaks
the curse? Is this the season where he finally takes home that trophy that he
has obsessed over for 5 years?
With only one week in the books, I doubt
it.
5.) (LW #1) 1.21 Jiggawatts, 1-0 (97 PPG, .189 NPRP)
Welcome back
Gabe’s last win came in Week 12 of 2012,
where he edged out Nick by a score of 114 to 113. This would be Gabe’s 3rd
and final win of the season (the other two coming with victories over Corey and
Matt).
Gabe finished 8th out of 8 that
season, which brought up questions when he was re-instated this past Summer. Is
Gabe a stepping stone for the League Elites? Will he put in the effort or will
he give up? Will he have the time while balancing a PhD and a family of 5?
Gabe after his first big win
But Gabe, like a great athlete listening to
Beats by Dre’s noise-cancelling headphones, tuned out the haters and focused on
one thing: Winning. And boy has it paid off so far.
In a matchup with the always questionable
Corey Hewett, 2 of our owners who made picks selected Gabe to win his debut. It
seemed as though his hard work and research paid off as his carefully selected
team beat his newfound rival by a solid 17 points, giving Mr. Lenetsky a 2-1
record against Corey.
And, while Gabe just missed out on debuting
with a triple digit score, he has to stand proud with the knowledge that he is
starting off the 2016 season in the upper half of the rankings.
Now, coming into Week 2, Gabe faces off
with an owner so trigger happy that he’s starting the WR3 for the Patriots. A
man so fearful that he picked up Jameis Winston despite having the highest
scoring quarterback in the league. That’s right, Gabe has a chance to continue
his win streak against the skiddish Robert Brown.
Vegas has Gabe coming in as an 8 point
favorite, but I’m not sure that 8 points is enough. If Gabe doesn’t win this
game by double digits then consider it a loss.
5.) (LW #5) The Real McCoys, 0-1 (96 PPG, .094 NPRP)
My actual reaction Thursday morning
The true Comeback Kid has returned. In all
my years of running this league, I do not remember a time that a stat
correction tied the game and gave a different team the win. In the
not-too-distant future we will all be sitting down watching a 30 for 30 about
the time the Real McCoys came back. They’ll call it…”Wild West.”
Just as I was coming in thinking of things
to say to roast this team like Ann Coulter, I see that the tide has turned and
Ryan now stands in the upper sanctum of the League. Whether we believe it or
not, Ryan is Elite as of Week 1.
Now, we can obviously sit here and discuss
the fact that he won’t be come Week 10, or point out that last season he went
farther into the playoffs than any other Hewett before him after getting
bounced in the 1st round. This may also be the appropriate time to
question whether or not he choked after going on a 4-game losing streak leading
up to playoffs, but let’s move past all of that and discuss the “elite” Ryan
Hewett.
This man, like the man 1 spot above him in
the rankings, won his 2016 opener without playing his first round draft pick,
which is a feat in and of itself. More impressively, however, Ryan won this
game with 6 of his 9 starters scoring double digits. That kind of consistency
is what wins championships. He didn’t have any huge performances, but his
entire roster put in about 10 points to give him a solid first win.
Even though I said I was looking forward to
roasting this team, I can’t find anything bad to say about it thus far: The
only players to not score 10 points simply had off weeks in my opinion.
Although, if we look at his bench, there is one thing that concerned me…
Why is Ryan rostering a running back that
got cut 2 weeks ago? Even after I looked at him and said “Hey, you know Hillman
is going to get cut, right?” Ryan just kept him. Is this the new Terrell Owens
or Randy Moss, forever being rostered as a tribute to the greatness (or in this
case mediocrity) that once was?
7.) (LW #11) Strictly Bangers, 0-1 (121 PPG, .118 NPRP)
In 1971, Jefferson Airplane released “Bark,”
which was described by Rolling Stone magazine as the band’s “most magnuminious
opus since ‘After Bathing at Baxter's,’ and even if its woof and whissshh ain't
quite as supersonic as some of their other platters, it'll getcha there on time
just like an amyl nitrite TV Dinner garnished this time with a little Valium.”
The album climbed as high as 11th
on Billboard’s charts, with it’s single “Pretty As You Feel” remaining as one
of the band’s final hits. Another song on the album, “Never Argue With a German
When You’re Tired,” was written by Grace Slick, and while it was not as
well-received, it played some significance in the fate of Jefferson Airplane.
The song was inspired by an incident with
Slick where she nearly died in a car accident while illegally street racing
with a Jorma Kaukonen. “Never Argue With a German When You’re Tired” was an
elaborate joke of sorts, and yet 7 years after it’s release when the band
played in Germany, Slick did not take her own advice.
Slick was tired (and drunk) and taunted the
German crowd, nearly inciting a riot as she was kicked out of the concert hall
and the band. She should have taken her own advice.
This, dear friends, is what we call
“irony.” It could also, in some ways, be seen as a form of karmic justice,
which is our theme of this little roast.
You stepped in the wrong blog, boy
Two years ago, at the first annual rules
summit, I proposed a change in the scoring system that would create a decimal
system. My system was simple: .1 points for every rushing or receiving yard
(still totaling 1 full point per 10 yards), .04 points per passing yard (still
totaling 1 point per 25 yards). This system would virtually eliminate ties and
bring forth more accurate analysis of players and teams. In my biased opinion,
it would bring our league into the 21st Century.
Many opposed this rule, stating that it was
“too complicated” and “too hard to keep track of” despite the fact that ESPN
has always kept track of scores for us as we are not Neanderthals scribbling
scores on bar napkins. “Whatever,” I thought, “Someone will lose via a
tiebreaker and it’ll change their tune.”
Last season, in Week One, Robert “As Far
Right as Texas because that’s where America starts and stops” Brown, who voted
against this scoring system, lost to his youngest son via a tiebreaker. The
score was 85 to 85. After doing some calculations, however, I discovered that
Bobby B would have won with 89.66 points to Will’s 89.32 had fractional scoring been implemented.
I laughed and mocked Dad’s fear of change. There were political jabs and
pot shots about losing to a team that drafted an injured Wide Receiver in the 2nd
round. I used this fire to try and bring forth another vote for fractional
scoring at the 2016 Rules Summit, where it was shot down again.
Bobby “Can We Please Elect Reagan’s Scarlet Red Corpse and Make America
Great Again” B once again voted against the system that would have awarded him
not just the win, but a Playoff berth as well.
Remember Grace Slick? Well, Roberto “Roll Tide” Marrón was just tired
and arguing with a German, because he once again lost a tiebreaker in Week One,
121 to 121. And guess what? Someone would have won if fractional scoring was
implemented…
That’s right, even as DeAngelo Williams ran a trail of tears through the
Washington Racists’ defense, Bobby B would have slept soundly as he won 125.12
to 124.4.
Fast Eddie will haunt you forever
As you got to
bed tonight with this knowledge, Robert, repeat after Aaron Sorkin:
"Gratias
tibi ago, domine. Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto, a deo scito? Cruciatus in
crucem. Tuus in terra servus, nuntius fui. Officium perfeci. Cruciatus in
crucem. Eas in crucem!"
Just as you
pray that this loss does not prevent you from reaching playoffs, I pray that
next time your hubris does not stand in the way of progress.
8.) (LW #7) Schweddy Rawls, 1-0 (97 PPG, .189 NPRP)
While everyone focused on the unfortunate
demise of the older half of the Brown marriage, we must shine a quick (and
possibly harsh) spotlight on the red-headed half.
After another offseason of hearing about
how bad her team would be, we were all graced with a miracle this week. With
just 3 minutes to go in Monday Night Football, the hapless Kirk Cousins threw a
garbage time lob to Jordan Reed, who unfortunately hobbled 10 yards before
getting injured on a mundane tackle, securing Lindy’s win.
Or so we thought.
As Thursday morning rolled around, we
received word of ESPN’s stat corrections, which awarded an extra point to
Ryan’s team, tying the game and giving him the tiebreaker win. What a wild
finish.
Make sure to bust out the cheap vodka this
weekend, as Lindy’s going to be throwing Bloody Marias down like the Escobar.
This is going to be a hard loss to swallow as she turns her focus on the
fearsome Fast Eddie.
With her “worst roster ever,” and her cries
of mediocrity, one lone owner thought Lindy had a shot of pulling out a win
this past week. “How,” you might ask? I honestly have no idea.
It's her roster
Melinda does not own a top-20 running back
thus far, a feat that astonishes even me. Even better, she refuses to trade for
depth at the position as she then “wouldn’t know who to start.”
While her Wide Receivers are above average,
there are other tandems that I would prefer. Perhaps she could trade one if it
finally suits her, or drop one of he 2 QB’s and/or Defenses.
When it boils down to it, Lindy is one of
the best team owners in the league, and I know that I will rue the day that I
doubted her abilities. But for now, this doesn’t look like a playoff contender.
9.) (LW #8) Rank This, 0-1 (91 PPG, .089 NPRP)
What can you say about Dave’s fantasy teams
that hasn’t been said? The man is the Fantasy equivalent of Taylor Lautner. He
was successful for something that never should have reasonably been successful
and then disappeared into oblivion.
But now, after news broke that Dave was
considering retirement from the league, I need to ask if it was something I
did.
Is it me, Dave? Are the things I’ve written
about your teams too harsh? Do you feel that the entire league (other than your
loving wife and successful son) is against you? Do you really think all we want
is for you to lose for a draft pick made 3 years ago?
Because we do.
Dave, never in a million years would I want
to see you leave this league. I know you aren’t considering a full-on
retirement, but I can’t imagine things without you anymore. You were the
inspiration for this entire blog. And I know that, whether you admit it or not,
you thrive on being roasted.
I mean, even your team name is a direct
response to the Rankings. You love it, and we love you. I have no idea what
this second league of yours is offering you that makes you want to stay with
them and leave us, but we’re simply better and you hate to admit it.
C’mon Dave, give us a reason to hate your
team again. Make some absurd decisions. Be the wildcard that you were always
destined to be before Eddie takes that from you.
Now, back to your rank: I’ve ranked you at
9th because your team is…uninspired. I love Lamar Miller, and I love
me some Cammy, but what else is going on here? Your best receiver isn’t even
the best receiver on his own team. Your second best receiver is like a 5 foot
version of the first. This team is like the Lethal Weapon franchise: It has 2
good stars, a serviceable 3rd or 4th that come into play
sometimes, and it’s better for a laugh than for getting things done.
It’s not too late for you, David. You still
have a place in the league’s elite where we all sit and ask how in the world
you belong there. Then you’ll laugh, pull out your Fantasy Resume and say “I,
too, was a champion.”
10.) (LW # 9) Langford Things, 0-1 (80 PPG, .078 NPRP)
Corey looking at the rankings every week
I really don’t know what to say about the
Comeback (to Last Place) Kid. I didn’t bother checking his score because it’s
just kind of automatic that he’s not going to win most weeks.
In a game that was shaping up to become a
somewhat heated rivalry after the “Big Mistake” incident, Corey’s squad
sputtered out as it has in years past. It’s games like these that earned Corey
2 votes in the “Who will finish last” poll.
And, while his team is sexier than other
higher ranked rosters like Lindy’s, his pickups are what always make Corey
questionable. Take this week for instance: Corey’s waiver pickup was Larry
Donnell at Tight End. Larry is 11th in TE’s right now in terms of
points scored, which sounds great…but he only had one catch last week for 10
yards and a TD. Do literally any research and you’ll find that Larry has never
had more than 40 yards in a game. If he doesn’t score a TD then you’re probably
getting a goose egg.
And once you stop looking at Chip’s
starters, you realize the ugly truth: This dude is gambling on injuries.
Hightower, Morris, Duke Johnson…they all play the role of backup for their
respective teams, and Corey is holding on hoping for injuries to take him where
he has never gone before: A Winning season.
There's a hole where you win should be
Corey’s team name this year: Langford
Things, is a play on the hit Netflix series Stranger Things. The Strangest
thing, though, would be him making playoffs for once.
In the year of our Lord, 2016, year of the
underdog, I hope he does.
11.) (LW #4) Roger Rodger, 0-1 (75 PPG, .073 NPRP)
Yikes. That’s really all there is to say at
this point: Yikes.
Cheryl put up the 2nd lowest
total from Week One, which (on the bright side) was one point more than he
total in a Week One loss last season, but this time around she only had 3
players who scored double digits.
Yikes.
While we here at the office love Cheryl’s
new team name, it’s the actual players that are hard to smile at. Her first 2
picks combined for 11 points, her 3 wide receivers combined for less than her
QB, and from the looks of it they weren’t even necessarily bad days from any of
those players:
Forte scored 14 points and has always been
known as a consistent player in that range. Allen Robinson hit 7 points, which
isn’t stellar but one touchdown changes that. John Brown revealed his downside
as the 3rd WR on his own team, netting zero, while Delanie Walker
proved to be a regular tight end on a bad offense.
Other than maybe Devonta Freeman, there
weren’t any surprises, and Cheryl set her lineup the same as anyone would. It’s
really not her fault as an owner, she just has a bad team so far…but at least
it’s not the worst…
12.) (LW #12) Woody’s Roundup, 0-1 (65 PPG, .063 NPRP)
You’re probably asking what the biggest
blowout in league history is. Don’t worry, I looked it up…
When I asked everyone to make picks and 3
people responded, I wasn’t surprised to find that all 3 picked Will over Matt.
It was an easy choice, in my opinion. The kid was robbed by these websites that
placed him as the unanimous 12th place team, just as the league was
robbed to have to face Matt as a top 2 team for another week. Both instnces
were a complete bastardization of these rankings.
The more I dug into it, I didn’t see Matt
winning in week one. Will had all the right matchups. Sure, he benched Baldwin
when I would have started him, but that’s a simple question of preference. No
matter what Will had done, I was not ready for the hellfire that came upon him
in Week One.
I was sitting in a basement in Seattle,
surrounded by my lovely girlfriend and a gaggle of her Seahawk fan friends when
I saw that the app was up.
“Nice,” I thought, “I’m still beating
Cheryl. What a dandy start to the season.”
I scrolled.
“Wow! These games between Dad and Fast
Eddie and Mom and Ryan are close! This is what Fantasy is all-“ That’s when I
saw it.
It was one of the worst things to happen on
September 11th in the last 15 years. Matt was terrorizing my brother.
That joke wrote itself
Have you ever been sitting in a room
surrounded by friends and loved ones and got the sudden urge to call a relative
just to tell them that it was all going to be OK? Because that’s how I felt.
As Monday’s games came to a close and Todd
Gurley was swallowed whole like Will’s pride as he erased “gg” from his
messages, the final score read 146 to 65. A 78 point win for Matty “GTL without
the L” Smith.
I needed to look up what the biggest
blowout in The Captain’s League storied history was. And, thankfully, it wasn’t
this disaster. In 2014, before the expansion from 10 people to 12, David “Glory
Days” Smith committed a felony on Corey Hewett by beating him…
187 to 73
So rest easy, Will. You will be avenged and
you will have your revenge. As we all need to remember…It’s only 1 week in.
Welcome back you filthy animals.
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