Nick's Power Rankings - Week Two

After an exciting Week One (from a fantasy standpoint), it’s nice to be getting back in the swing of things.

Welcome back to the Power Rankings…the first TRUE Power Rankings of the season. Whereas last week was all about speculation and will have 0 impact on how team’s actually finish, this week’s rankings are based on cold, hard, numbers.

For those of you unfamiliar with how regular season rankings are done (Tim), I’ve created a simple algorithm that takes each team’s win/loss record and points scored and spits out a percentage: Nick’s Power Ranking Percentage, or NPRP.

The higher your NPRP, the higher your ranking. As the season grinds on, dominant teams will separate themselves and contenders will be neck-and-neck. Teams will establish themselves as staples at the top, while Corey will wallow in his misery at dead last.

You may be wondering what a good NPRP score is, or where the Champion usually finishes. I, too, wondered this, so I went through our Hall of Records and found something fascinating: Only once ever has the Champion been the best team at the end of the Regular Season.

Keep in mind that the numbers won’t stabilize until Week 6-ish, so everyone’s NPRP will be a lot more extreme in the early season. Basically, you’re not historically good or bad yet.

I found that the NPRP scores have dipped as the league has expanded, which makes sense based on the increased competition and variance. I also found that, since the expansion to 12-teams, the #1 team has never made the Championship game, while the opposite was the case for the first 3 years of the league.

Finally, to answer your question, I learned that the Champion usually finishes Week 13 with a score of .174, while the Runner Up actually finishes with a .192.

In other words, the Playoffs are a complete crapshoot and whoever get lucky will win it all.

I will do my best to keep these up this year, even if it means having to shorten some of the praise (while maintaining the same amounts of criticism). Enjoy Week 2 and Good Luck!

1.) (LW #3) Joe Buck Yourself, 1-0 [133 PPG, .319 NPRP]

Sean watching Kareem Hunt's debut

Sean has found his way back on top as defending champion of the league. After an insane 133 point outing (with plenty more left on the bench and only 4 points from his QB), we now have a new target to smash.

Sean put noticeably less preparation into his draft efforts this year, but it paid off by taking whoever fell to him, even if those same players share similar criminal records. But ethics to not matter to Sean on his path to a 2^nd Championship, only wins do.

This week, the Champ takes on the lowly, yet 1-0, Dak City in Matt Smith. I won’t even begin to call Sean lucky after witnessing his dedication to the game firsthand, but being placed in the Easiest division with such a cakewalk of a schedule must be nice.

We should get used to seeing this now

Not that there’s anyone he would have lost to Week One…

2.) (LW #4) The Sir Winstons, 1-0 [109 PPG, .262 NPRP]

Somehow, some way, Ryan triumphed this weekend despite having Sam Bradford as his quarterback.

In the case of Hewett v. Republic Services, Ryan stood victorious. Of course, having the Jags defense last week certainly didn’t hurt…

You can’t say it was great management, as he benched Golden Tate in favor of Allen Robinson, but you also can’t say it was luck, with TWO of Ryan’s players going down with season-ending injuries.

So unfortunate

However, you can say that if Ryan’s defense didn’t blow up with one of the best performances I’ve ever seen (even against a Hot Topic cardboard cutout for a quarterback), he’d be a middle-of-the-road team. His roster is, believe it or not, in serious trouble.

If the Jags had put up the numbers of an average defense (around 8 points), Ryan would be out of 24 points, finishing with 85 in a losing effort. And even though Jameis is coming back to start for this team, you can’t expect 27 points every week from that position.

Ryan is only projected to put up 85 points this week against a wily Melinda Brown, who is looking to avenge a close loss. Where #1 Sean Brown faces a Ryan’s team name of a schedule, Ryan has a murder’s row…until he faces Team Smith in Week 3.

If Ryan doesn’t start accumulating better wide receivers, he could be facing a classic “Timber” post next week.

Don't slip now.

3.) (LW #9) Need For Snead, 1-0 [98 PPG, .235 NPRP]

Doubt me now.

They keep saying “he’s all about the talk.” “He’s too biased towards his own team.” “He spends too much time hiding behind the blog.”

What they don’t talk about is the skill, because they know it’s there. They fail to sleep soundly every fall because they know I’m coming. They know what season it is and who it belongs to…

I thought Leonard Fournette was overrated? You could have fooled those 19 points he put up in his debut against a monstrous Houston defense…

Surprise, Surprise...

I thought Deandre Hopkins was washed up? He put up 11 on one of the best corners in the NFL. This team is just warming up.

I even made mistakes. I should have taken a chance with Gillislee, giving me 22 points on the bench. Maybe I played a bit to timid to show my mother mercy…

But I’ll take this victory humbly. Melinda was sensational in her season debut, even without her top 2 draft picks. She has one hell of a roster and is really going to be scary once that team comes together.

With that being said, I have Cheryl this week, and things are going to get ugly.

4.) (LW #2) O.J.’s on Parole, 1-0 [79 PPG, .190 NPRP]

Gabe absolutely dismantled Corey this past week, doubling up on him despite only scoring 79 points. And yet, when you look at Gabe’s roster, he should expect plenty more points as the season continues to unfold.

Russell Wilson looked miserable behind a horrendous O-Line, LeVeon Bell didn’t get that many looks against a downright bad opponent, Amari Cooper dropped 3 touchdown passes…

So many things fell the wrong way. Gabe should have gotten blown out based on how unlucky he is. He should have nosedived in the rankings.

But he didn’t.

Instead, he persevered against a team hell-bent on losing. Instead, he beat the Baron of Bad, the Lord of Losing, the Twerp of Twelvth. Instead, he came out on top and started his season off unlucky, but with a goose egg in the loss column…and it’s hard to mad about that.

Someone asked me who I thought was going to make playoffs this season. After looking at the rosters, I think it’s obvious: Sean and Gabe from the Weak division, Myself and Eddie from the strong division, and Melinda and Will join as the Wildcards.

Even with a 79-point outing, Gabe’s still firmly in that list of the top 6. With a more…impressive performance this week against The Rookie, he’ll continue to separate himself from the trash in his division.

5.) (LW #11) Dak City, 1-0 [64 PPG, .154 NPRP]

This past week, Matt reached out to me through a mutual friend to ask if I had heard of the song “Rack City,” the basis of his team name. I’d like to take a moment to respond to this.

Hi Matt! I hope all is well. Yes, I have indeed heard of Tyga’s 2012 smash hit “Rack City.” I got that. Thank you for your concern about my awareness of the zeitgeist.

Question: Have you seen Wesley Snipe’s “New Jack City?” It’s a 1991 New York crime classic that has found it’s 2^nd life in 2017, referenced by both rap stars and athletes (including Marshawn Lynch). I feel that “New Dak City” would be a much cooler team name.

You see, “New Dak City” at least draws direct attention to the pun, whereas “Dak City” sounds about as common and boring as “Dak Train,” “D-Money,” or even “Datty Ice.” Also, no one has listened to Tyga since 2015.

If you would like me to answer any other questions, my number has been the same since 2004. No need to go through mutual acquaintances.

Anyways, Matt got a win this week against the new guy. He made some questionable start/sit decisions, which I hope he learns from, but other than that I see no scenario where he beats Sean this week. Sean’s team is superior in every way. Game. Set. Match.

That’s that New Jack City, boy.

6.) (LW #6) Bad Juju, 1-0 [56 PPG, .134 NPRP]

Will sent me a text weekend admitting that he had made some…questionable lineup choices.

And, while I agree with Will 1000%, he still got a win with only 56 points on the board. If Will isn’t in mass on Sunday mornings at 6am, then I have no idea how he pulled that off.

Look at this boy’s team! Name one running back that who’d make you say “I’m starting him and I feel great about it.”

In fact, other than his wide receivers, I don’t know that I’d feel good starting any of these guys. He wants to mouth off about my running back when he’s stuck deciding between a dinosaur and a potato.

I can't envision a scenario where you ever like your RB's again 

And it’s not like Will plays in the cupcake division, either. He has to compete with Ryan, Eddie, Lindy, and myself. It’s going to be a loooooong season trying to claw his way into Playoffs.

This week he takes one of those killers in Fast Eddie Boyadijian, who will be seeking to take out his frustrations after getting robbed by Mr. Autodraft last Sunday.

7.) (LW #7) Fast Eddie, 0-1 [100 PPG, .120 NPRP]

Eddie was the beneficiary of a gift this week. No, he has not yet received his financial compensation from one Nigerian Prince; but rather, Eddie was gifted his pick of the waiver litter.

Leaked footage of Eddie Wednesday morning

With Corey obviously tanking, Cheryl losing her #1 overall pick, and Bobby B having 0 startable running backs, you’d think that the most picked-up player in fantasy football (Tarik Cohen) wouldn’t possibly fall to the 6^th man in line.

But nooooo, I severely overestimated this league. Corey tanked for a backup running back who benefitted from a blowout. Cheryl picked up a fragile grandfather who was alrEADY CUT FROM THE TEAM THAT JUST SIGNED HIM.

But no, Eddie was gifted the Flavor of the week, and I have to give him all credit for it. God knows that Eddie needs a running back with Christian McCaffery and Beast Mode.

There’s no two ways about it: Eddie has a strong team that got a bad draw. Unfortunately for him, the schedule doesn’t really let up for awhile: He’s playing in the dominant conference (which I know he was opposed to from the very beginning).

If this were a team like Cheryl’s, or Corey’s, or Matt’s, I’d say that they’re probably going 0-13 based on schedule alone. But Eddie has a strong roster and we all know how drop-happy he is, ditching half his roster if it means gaining just a 1-point edge on his opponents.

He’s erratic, silly, sometimes foolish…but Eddie has a strong track record and the mindset it takes to win it all. As hard as I went on him last week for humor’s sake, I’ll eat my crow and say that this is a team to beat. He won’t be facing a 30+ point defense every week…Hopefully.

8.) (LW #5) Fantasy Fatale, 0-1 [96 PPG, .115 NPRP]

I was incredibly impressed by Lindy’s performance this weekend.

On Thursday night, I told Sean how bad I felt that she had to deal with her Top 2 picks missing Week One due to a hurricane. On Sunday night, I was left wondering if I was destined to lose to a team missing their Top 2 picks.

Somehow, I survived while she was left to weep in pure misery in the wasteland that is Portugal. And for that, I am eternally sorry.

I don't know what show this is, but it is a recreation of Melinda talking to her demons

Despite high praise for a few of the teams above, Melinda’s impressed me the most this week. None of her players seemed to “blow up,” and yet she was the 5^th highest scoring team. This was no fluke of a game like…say, Ryan. This was an average performance without her (theoretical) top scorers.

This team will be a force, and I’m so happy that I got to face it in a weakened state.

9.) (LW #10) Strictly Bangers, 0-1 [56 PPG, .067 NPRP]

Did you enjoy that nice little piece about Lindy’s team? Because the opposite is true about Bobby B’s…discombobulation.

Save me from this roster

2^nd, 10^th, 1^st, 6^th, Championship. This is the order of Bobby B’s regular season finishes; The pattern being that he’s only a true contender every other season. With last year being his magnum opus, we should expect this season to be hs catastrophe.

He has real nice receivers, a QB and TE that led him to the promised land last seasons, and just the ugliest mess of a backfield in the history of our league. And when he finally got a chance to use his waiver position to improve his RBs, who did he pick up?

The backup running back for the worst team in the NFL. Great.

I WANT OFF MR. PERKINS' WILD RIDE

I honestly find it hilarious that he’s so close to Melinda in the rankings, because they are such opposites. She got unlucky, but has promise and potential. He, on the other hand, had about as good of a week as you’re going to have starting Paul Perkins.

The challenge for Bobby B is going to be finding a source of luck, because he’s already one game back and 77 points out of Playoffs with just one week down.

10.) (LW #1) Team Smith, 0-1 [55 PPG, .066 NPRP]

Retirement was nice. Quiet, but nice.

Dave Smith sat in his garage, sipping on a Busch Light and wiping sweat from his brow while the AM radio droned on the corner. He admired the Datsun that stood suspended, ominously watching over his domain from its perch.

Dave took a sip of his lukewarm beer. He had no idea what time it was. He had no idea what DAY it was. Work was steady, but was it really work when he enjoyed it? A smile came to his face. Dave was content.

The radio was set to a soccer match, or was it basketball? He turned his focus to it for just a moment.

“This kid David Johnson is something special. There’s a reason our very own Matthew Berry is so high on him.”

Dave’s ears lit up. Matthew Berry? Was this a football game? He’d have to make sure this Dave Johnson was on his team if Matthew Berry was high on him.

“Hey hun,” Dave shouted into the depths of his house. “When’s the draft?”

Cheryl turned the corner into the garage, keys in hand. “It’s today, dear. I’m about to leave for it. You sure you don’t want to come?”

“No, I’m too good for them.” Dave winked as Cheryl rolled her eyes.

“What did you want, ‘Mr. Co-Owner’?” Cheryl asked sarcastically.

“This Dave Jones guy, you should grab him. I was doing research this morning and I think he’d win you the league.”

“Sure Dave, whatever you say,” said Cheryl as she left.

Dave smiled as the door closed. He helped his wife win the league. It was easy work, he thought, he was so much better than all of them and he didn’t even watch hockey.

He took the last sip of his beer before laboring up to get another. Dave ventured through the garage, stepping over tool boxes, dodging car parts, dipping under ladders…until he reached his grand prize: An ice cold can of German-brewed America.

He cracked open the can as the ladder fell. It fell hard right on an old rear view mirror, shattering it.

Frustrated, he lumbered over to clean up the mess when he accidentally bumped into the car jack nestled under the Datsun. Dave looked on in terror as his baby came crashing down to the Earth.

TIMBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

CHERYL NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

From #1 to #10, the Smiths are spiraling. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, Cheryl picked up CJ0K with her high waiver claim, a man whom the Cardinals cut 2 weeks ago. She’ll never start him.

It will not be a fun season for the Smiths, but maybe that’s what Dave needs to come out of retirement.

11.) (LW #8) The Rookie, 0-1 [51 PPG, .061 NPRP]

A rough week to be sure for The Rookie.

This team reminds me of Dennis Quaid in “Wyatt Earp,” where he starred as Doc Holliday.

Actually, it doesn’t, I just wanted to point out that Dennis Quaid is best epitomized as the guy who co-stars in the Poor Man’s version of movies you like. He’s not in Tombstone, he’s in Wyatt Earp. He’s not in CSI, he was in Vegas. He’s not in W., he plays George W. Bush in American Crime Story (apparently).

This isn't Dennis Quaid but it showed up when I googled him as W.

This team worries me because I don’t want it to be a playoff contender in some minor league, I want it to be a contender in this league.

Tim has numerous moves to make, and it’s going to be hard to make them when he doesn’t put in any waiver claims. I almost blame myself for not informing him about waivers, but that may be something he needs to discover for himself.

Luckily, games like this come with the territory. There is a bit of a learning curb for rookies in this league, and Tim will pick it up in due time. He's a high upside player who just needs to find his stride despite this pretty massive misstep. 

Tim’s 51 points in Week One is the lowest rookie debut of all time. It’s also the second lowest Season debut of all time, only to be beaten by…

12.) (LW #12) The Cheesecake Argument, 0-1 [40 PPG, .048 NPRP]

90, 91, 90, 100, 94. What do these numbers have in common?

No, it’s not from Lost. It’s not the combination to any safe, or the powerball winner…that’s Corey’s points per game each season he’s been in the league. They don’t look bad at all, but how about these?

7, 9, 9, 2, 7.

That’s Corey’s rank in PPG each season. 7/8, 9/10, 9/10, 2/12, 7/12. Without 2015’s 2^nd place rankings, Corey has been in the bottom half of the league Every. Single. Year.

I get after him every year, pivoting between “unlucky” and “bad,” never sure where to stick my flag…but I never considered both.

I thought Corey drafted well this year. Obviously it’s only Week One, but it looks like I was wrong. This man has the worst bench I’ve ever seen. 3 useless running backs, a snake oil salesmen of a wide receiver, a flyer rookie, and Eric Decker.

Then we get to his starting lineup, where he has somehow rostered 2 Second-tier wide receivers, a Second-tier running back, and Buck “Remember me from the last 3 years and how I wasn’t worth the hype?” Allen.

I'm not done.

If we drafted the way Corey wanted, he would have tanked starting in Week 5 (When he was already 0-4) and wound up with the #1 pick at a historic 0-13 record.

One of two things would have happened if that were the case: He would have drafted David Johnson and would be mad at how unlucky he is, or he would have drafted Le’Veon Bell and would be mad at how unlucky he is.

Corey could do anything and come out mad at how unlucky he is.

But it comes down to this: Corey Hewett TANKED for a guy that got subbed in in a blowout in an effort to keep the #1 back healthy. And before you say “He’ll take over Danny Woodhead’s role,” keep in mind that this guy was targeted ZERO times in the passing game.

“But Nick! I don’t want to gamble with some running back in a committee!” – The Gambler

Well, you just signed up for EXACTLY that.

I literally cannot comprehend that thought process. You don’t want something, so you go for the most literal definition of said thing? That’s almost like saying “I’m sick of coming in dead last, so I’m going to keep tanking.”

Oh wait.

T.O. disapproves

Nick's 2017 Preseason Power Rankings

'Twas the night before football,

All and through the league,

Not an owner was resting,

There was too much intrigue.

First rounders were nestled in starting lineups with care,

In hopes that a 40 bomb soon would be there.

The owners were nestled all safe in their beds,

While visions of the John Kunya Memorial Trophy(c) danced in their heads.

Hello Friends,

We made it. The time has come. Welcome back to the blog.

After what felt like the longest offseason in history, we've reached opening day of the NFL Season. Before the start of last year, I wrote right here on this blog about the winds of change. And, while that symbol has never been more true, I think we need to reflect on the constants in our lives:

Family, Friends, Corey dropping to last place in the rankings, etc.

In trying times such as these, the constant is what keeps us above the stormy waters. Whether we're caught up in stress at work, political turmoil, a literal hurricane, or even just the raucous Fantasy Football season, keep those constants close to your chest. I believe it was F. Scott Fitzgerald who wrote, "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

No matter how this year goes for you, press on. All it takes is one good waiver pickup and a pinch of luck in order to win it all. No matter how much I rave about or criticize a team below, Fantasy Football is almost entirely based on chance and reducing risk. My goal here is to provide entertainment and controversy by using hyperbole and...just talk shit. I talk so, SO much shit.

If what I say offends you, reach out and I will make things right. But I'm just trying to be the bad guy this league needs in order to stand out and keep you invested.

Everyone needs a villain. That's where I come in.

For those of you who need a refresher: My Preseason Rankings are based on a statistical analysis of each roster immediately after the draft. I haven't corrected for any waiver pickups you've made in the last few weeks, or whether or not your guy has become the starter after an injury. This is entirely based on your draft.

The last few years, I've provided 3 percentages: Your odds of making playoffs with GREAT management (waivers, sit/start decisions/trades, etc.), GOOD management, and AVERAGE management. This year, I've taken those 3 percentages given by 4 different "experts" and averaged them into 1 percentage: Your chances of making playoffs.

Now, without further ado, I present to you: The 2017 TCL Preseason Rankings. Enjoy and good luck on your seasons.

1.) Team Smiths (89% chance to make Playoffs)

On November 25, 1980, the WBC Welterweight Championship was up for grabs in the New Orleans. Squaring off in what would be the 2^nd of their 3 matchups was reigning Champion Roberto Duran and #1 contender Sugar Ray Leonard.

Leonard had lost their first fight (and his title) by way of decision, and spent years building up his counters to prepare for the eventual rematch.  After dedicating so much of his life preparing for revenge, Leonard was ready to reclaim what was his.

Heading into the 8^th round, Sugar Ray was up on the scorecards as he noticeably wore down his rival. With 16 seconds left on the clock, Leonard wound up with the left before throwing a snapping jab with the right, landing flush with Duran’s already bloodied nose.

Duran did not drop, but rather turned his back to his opponent, waved his hands, and cried “No mas” to the referee. Sugar Ray took back his title as his biggest rival quit midway through the fight.

And Roberto Duran, ladies and gentlemen, went down as the 2^nd biggest quitter in sports history. The first? Dave Smith, former champion of The Captain’s League.

Leaked footage of Dave Smith quitting

Dave, too, lost his title. He was then caught cheating and refused to partake in league activities from that point on. Rather, Dave had to resort to being a secondary owner of a team that his wife has taken control of. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Cheryl drafted well, sure. She overspent on a QB and benefitted from the 1^st overall pick, but the rest of her team seems to have taken a nosedive.

After Spencer Ware went down for the year, Cheryl’s RB2 is now Fat Rob. Her wide receivers are Doug “4 good weeks in 2015” Baldwin and Keenan “My ankle popped when I was walking down some stairs so I might as well be put on IR” Allen. As for depth, Cheryl clearly just drove around Philadelphia one night asking locals for sneaky picks, because she’s rostered 3 Eagles.

Hey, at least she didn’t take a certain Eagle in the 1^st like her husband would have…

2.) 1.21 Jiggawatts (86.6% chance to make Playoffs)

Let me start by saying what an absolute pleasure it was to see Gabe at the draft. One of my favorite things about this league is getting everyone together (except Ryan, apparently) for the draft. What I really love about having Gabe attend, though, is that he shows up with a gameplan.

Gabe spent a majority of the night before doing mock drafts and reading analysis of his teams. He saw who experts were taking at what round and who some good players were to take late in the draft. I appreciate his dedication because the results clearly reflect that he took a team that experts would love. There is one problem though…

He took exactly who I thought he would.

LeVeon is the clear-cut guy to take 2^nd overall. Cooper is a 2^nd round pick and Miller is there to round out your starting RBs in the 3^rd…but other than Bell, do you love any of those guys? I mean, Crabtree has outscored Cooper the last 2 years, so should we overspend on him? Miller looked blind behind the line of scrimmage last year whereas the Crow (ca CAH!) succeeded in a worse situation…

I guess my concern for this team is…was it based on too much speculation? Most of Gabe’s team consists of guys that had OK to Good years last year that some experts just assume will improve without anything to back that up. Even if the average Fantasy “expert” loves the pick, they’re still average…and that’s what I’m concerned this team will be.

I hope Gabe proves me wrong. He sure did last year as he ran to the Playoffs, but let’s hope he stays active…because he might need to.

3.) Joe Buck Yourself (76.4% chance to make Playoffs)

The reigning champ has once again set himself up for success with an excellent draft. Bolstering himself with a strong RB (backed up with Sean’s patented Atlanta RB), a WR who is sure to disappoint, and a WR2 who had a good preseason game, this looks like the quintessential Sean Brown team.

He even pulled a little chicanery and lied to everyone about where he’d be comfortable taking Ezekiel Elliott, only to take him at a spot where no one else would have.

As for team loyalty, you have to love how Sean loaded up on 3 Chiefs and 2 Chargers while taking the Raiders 3^rd string RB with his last pick.

Still, for all the things I just pointed out, there is a lot of talent on this roster. I don’t even think I have to go out on a limb to say that this is the best team I’ve ranked thus far. If I were building rankings on my own opinions, this would probably be #1.

This early in the season, Sean makes a strong case to repeat his championship. When I look at V3 of Joe buck Yourself, I see a perfect blend of high floor and high ceiling, and it’s a thing of beauty.

Hope that doesn’t jinx him, or anything.

Good luck with Zeke

4.) The Sir Winstons (67.4% chance to make Playoffs)

Throughout the course of human existence, great minds have always posed questions that, when answered, progress us as a species.

What does it mean to exist? Do we perceive our environment differently than others? What is life and does it exist outside our world? Where in the hell does Ryan get these terrible team names?

I’m going to assume that Ryan is referring to Sir Winston Churchill., who most people refer to as, Churchill. It would literally make more sense for me to name my team “Lord Nelson” after Horatio Nelson, the 1^st Duke of Bronte, an admiral in the British Navy, because “Lord Nelson” is what people called him.

Ryan could have gone back to his Game of Thrones theme with “A Feast for Crowells (ca CAH!)”, but instead went this weird…look, I don’t want to call it lazy, but there could not have been more than 3 minutes spent thinking of this team name.

Anyways, I digress: I was severely disappointed that Ryan’s work schedule would not permit him to join us in person for the draft this year. You all know how much I lo-

The Melvins. You could have just called your team The Melvins after the American rock band (a genre that we all weirdly associate you with), which also ties into the name of your RB1. This stuff is too easy. Please. PLEASE pick a better name.

Ryan’s Terribly Named Team™ was autodrafted for the first time in our leagues history, and resulted in what I can only refer to as every player people say is really good but no one is comfortable enough to take.

Seriously. This entire team has question marks: Jameis? Great athlete who makes terrible decisions. Melvin Gordon? Will he have another great year or a year where he scores literally ZERO touchdowns again. Pryor? Was he only great because he was all the Browns had or is he actually elite? Allen Robinson? Elite but has a flaming pile of Ryan’s team names for a quarterback.

Autodraft giving you a team

I don’t know. Really. I give up. That’s what this team is.

5.) Fantasy Fatale (67.17% chance to make Playoffs)

“Look! A feminine team name! That must be Lindy” – everyone in the league 20 minutes after the draft.

Mom's team name

What can you say about Lindy’s team? When I look at it, I wonder whether this is the Melinda Brown who almost won a championship or the Melinda Brown who finished with a 2-11 record last year.

Lindy went out in disguise and purchased USA Today’s Fantasy Football Preview this year. She put on a nondescript hoodie, sunglasses, and a wig, drove down to our neighborhood Albertson’s at noon on a Tuesday, and bought a Fantasy Football preview written in March.

One thing I deeply, deeply admire about my mother is how much she dedicates herself to these kinds of things, but I’m worried that she didn’t realize that that magazine was outdated as it was being published. It might as well have been written by hand by a scribe.

Lindy leaving Albertsons with her Fantasy Football magazine

I love Matt Ryan, I really do, but he went from having a prodigy as his offensive coordinator to a guy who’s most recent resume includes getting fired from USC for being an alcoholic, and blowing a national championship to the 2^nd best team in the country.

I could break down this roster like I have to so many rosters before, but instead I’ll just say this: I love you very, very much. I know I don’t say it as often as I probably should, but I love you…and I’m terribly sorry for the crimes I will commit in dismantling this team Week One.

6.) Bad Juju (57.67% chance to make Playoffs)

Will comes in first place this year for his Fantasy Team Name. If you see Ryan, give him some pointers. Will also comes in second place for the best receiver duo, getting edged out slightly by Bobby B. However, Will somehow managed to put together 2 serviceable running backs while our dear father wound up with 0. That’s why he hasn’t won a championship, I suppose.

Anyways, I hate to give this team any bad juju, but this squad will be boring as shit to watch. You have some good talent and all, but you’re banking on watching the Redskins’, Jets’, Colts’ and Rams’ offenses this year. I know when I take my selective 22-minute Sunday nap, I target when those 4 teams are on offense.

Watching Will's team play

This team will be so boring to watch that Will might drop all of them and pick up the cast of Young Sheldon on waivers (if Eddie hasn’t gotten there first).

Literally the only 3 people that I’d get enjoyment from seeing are his Wide Receivers and his kicker. As a general rule of thumb, if only 3 of your 9 starters generate excitement, you should just buy tickets to see Manchester by the Sea or something. Really. Go watch literally anything else.

7.) Fast Eddie (54.25% chance to make Playoffs)

Every year on Draft Day, I wake up 15 minutes before sunrise (5:43 AM this year), make myself a cup of Green Tea, put on “Outro” by M83 (run through a vinyl filter), and watch the sunrise while doing some breathing exercises. This year, however, something was wrong.

While waiting for the water to come to a boil in my VATTENTÄT© tea kettle, I heard a rustling outside. I peered out the window in my NJUTA© bathrobe into the dark summer dawn and saw lights across the parking lot.

“Just some hardworking blue-collar Americans racing to beat the sunrise,” I thought.

The sounds of Anthony Gonzalez’s dramatic crescendo was slightly disturbed by the load beeping of industrial trucks beyond my doors. I decided that the music was unnecessary in order to achieve zen at the exact moment that the sun fully breached the horizon, so I shut down my KRUSCHA© 5.1 Surround Sound Stereo system and took in the sounds of that August morning.

There were birds, crickets, and…shouting. I opened my eyes slightly to decipher what was being said when there was a loud CRASH.

The shouting grew louder. Fiercer. More violent.

I did what anyone would have done: I threw on my matching NJUTA© slippers, poured some green tea into 3 spring colored DUKTIG© teacups, and rushed to go diffuse the situation.

I arrived to find 2 workers (I never assume gender) outside a Republic Services truck yelling to a 3^rd, unseen person. They said that, while making their rounds, someone had hopped inside the bin. Curious, I asked if I could assist them in removing the poor soul.

They agreed, and I climbed the ladder only to peer inside and find Eduard Boyadjian going through the wastes.

Eddie on Fantasy Football

“Eddie, are you ok?” I asked, concerned for not only his health, but his lack of IKEA apparel.

“I’m fine Nick, just going through my team. Have you heard of Sammy Watkins? I can’t believe no one picked him up!”

“Eddie!” I cried, “You already have Cooper Kupp on your bench…and the Rams have to play the 30^th best schedule for receivers this year…it’s kind of a stretch to have one of those guys starting without seeing how Goff looks…”

But before I had finished my plea, Eddie had submerged below the rest of the trash, needlessly dropping players behind him instead of using waivers correctly like everyone else.

8.) The Rookie (53% chance to make Playoffs)

The Rookie is a 2002 sports drama film directed by John Lee Hancock and produced by Walt Disney Pictures. It is based on the true story of Jim Morris, who had a brief, but famous Major League Baseball career in 1999–2000. The film stars Dennis Quaid, Rachel Griffiths, Jay Hernandez, and Brian Cox.

Ultimately, it’s not an awful movie. IMDB gives it a 7/10, which is probably a point higher than I’d give it, but that’s not a hill I’d die on. The plot is like if Breaking Bad was about Walt becoming a pitcher instead of a meth dealer written by Disney’s league of faceless writers instead of Vince Gilligan.

Tim’s team is very much like Disney’s The Rookie: It’s not anything special, it’s not particularly memorable, and when you look back on it you’re not quite sure where all his picks went.

Where did Tim's picks go?

Before breaking down the roster though, I need to be absolutely clear that it’s a particularly impressive team for someone new to the game. We’ve seen plenty of rookies in this league, and so far Tim is doing a good job of avoiding the same pitfalls that so many others have failed to navigate.

Back to the roster: Tim didn’t blow any picks like some people in this league have (Dave), but it’s hard to find the strength of this team. Sure, he has Aaron Rodgers as his QB, but his top 2 RB’s are Devonta Freeman and the ghost of Adrian Peterson. His top receivers are Alshon Jeffery and Emanuel Sanders, who aren’t awful, but they give off a vibe that Tim missed out on a true stud.

It’s not an awful team. It’s a watered down version of a real contender. There’s something here to build on, but we’ll have to wait and see if that comes to fruition. In fact, this team might actually be Dennis Quaid.

Both the best and worst metaphor I've used for a team.

9.) Need For Snead (51.67% chance to make Playoffs)

Could this be the best team in the league?

I can hear all the doubt. I hear all the criticism. “He doesn’t have a running back. He’s lost a step.”

The king hears you. The king just doesn't care.

Let’s keep in mind that Leonard Fournette has had more hype behind him throughout his collegiate career than Zeke did. Let’s keep in mind that Ameer Abdullah is the analytics darling. Let’s keep in mind that Dougie Martin is a monster in odd years. Let’s keep in mind that the Patriots LOVE to run the ball with a nice big back when they get inside the 10.

Or, you know, forget it. Forget my high ceiling and focus on these names: Nelson, Nuk, Martavis, Smoke, and SNEAD. Which 3 will I be playing against you this season? Just know that when they put up 20 a piece, you personally allowed them to fall into my hands.

My team dropping 120 on your before you've finished your mimosa

My mistake last year was not dropping Russell Wilson like his offensive line did 6 times a week. This year, I decided to go for a QB whose team has invested in him with talent: Mariota.

I will dismantle my division. I will knock off former and reigning champions, and I will finally take what is rightfully mine. When you look at these teams and seek out the question marks, you made the mistake of not paying me the respect I deserve.

Last year, the Preseason 11^th ranked team won in all. In 2015? The 12^th ranked team. 2014? The 8^th ranked team.

No team higher than 8^th in these preseason rankings has ever won a championship. This year I ditched the conventional and delved into the analytical. I’ve built this team like a finely crafted machine. The crown will be mine.

10.) Dak City (43.83% chance to make Playoffs)

I literally forgot this team was in the league.

Here I am, uploading my rankings to the site, when I see Matt’s roster on another tab. How could I possibly forget?

I actually don’t hate Matt’s team this year. Few things give me more joy than opening Microsoft Word and spinning delightful little yarns or prose about how utterly dismal Matt’s roster is. It’s even become and annual tradition.

But, as I write this up at the last minute, I don’t see anything I don’t like about this team. Sure, I firmly believe that Dak has a sophomore slump, but Matt got excellent value for every one of his picks. AJ Green was great for him last season before getting hurt, TY Hilton had the most receiving yards last season, and Carlos Hyde is not as bad as people think.

I’d normally call into question his pick of CJ Anderson as a FLEX, but Matt picked up some nice depth, which physically pains me.

I already beat the “Bad team name” horse to death in Ryan’s post, which sucks because adding “City” to a Player’s name doesn’t automatically make it a good name.

Whatever. Good job, Matt. I’ll give you one.

RIP you beautiful bastard

11.) Strictly Bangers (44.17% chance to make Playoffs)

I’m not sure what happened to Bobby B last year. The Hall of Records says that he put up 1,407 points (3^rd All-Time) and finished at 8-5 on his way to win the John Kunya Memorial Trophy, but we all know that Sean won the 2017 Championship, so I think my laptop got stolen.

When Bobby B said he won it all.

Last year, Robert Brown was in the exact same spot on the Preseason Rankings, but picking up Tyreek Hill definitely helped his team. Without Hill, his WR2 would have been Taylor Gabriel (the 3^rd best receiver on his own team). He was built entirely around have Drew Brees as his QB and rostering 2 good RB’s that he could rely on.

This year’s team is very similar: Odell Beckham (injury or not) and Michael Thomas are two absolutely incredible wide receivers, much like Zeke and Demarco Murray were great running backs for him last year. But when you look at the paper champ’s running backs, you see Joe Mixon (listed at 3^rd on the Bengals Week 1 depth chart) and…Paul Perkins. Other than that, it looks like Bobby B wasn’t done trying to buy lottery tickets, as he has 5 of them on his bench.

A bench full of Strictly Losers

“But Nick,” I know you’re saying, “He has Drew Brees! Drew Brees has been on 3 championship teams!”

Look, grow up and understand that, in a passer’s league, QB’s aren’t at the premium they used to be. Jay Cutler might throw for over 4,000 yards last year and he retired without anyone realizing it. A good QB doesn’t make a team, but a bad QB breaks a team. Take that adult advice and go sound smart at your book clubs or whatever it is you people do in your spare time.

One expert went as far as to give Bobby B a 7% chance of making playoffs with AVERAGE management. That is by far the lowest I have ever seen.

Questionable stuff, Bobby B. Go drown the tears with your European food.

Same.

12.) The Cheesecake Argument (35.5% chance to make Playoffs)

This year, Corey made a number of big decisions:

He decided to move with Matt to a house instead of the condo they had been living in.

He decided to take another job at a different firm that PWC.

And he decided to give up entirely on Fantasy Football.

With the departure of our dear, sweet Dave, Corey has assumed the role of the empty chair. He showed up to the draft with 0 preparation, and took names he recognized (possibly without realizing if those players switched teams). Corey’s 2^nd running back is the Sausage King of Seattle, Eddie Lacy. Lacy has hit more buffets than he has holes over the past 2 years, and is now logjammed in the mess that is Seattle’s backfield.

Corey also picked up both of the Jets’ former receivers, Brandon Marshall and Eric Decker, after they both left New York. Both are good picks, but I’d feel much more comfortable having them as my FLEX than starting both. Corey also made the mistake of drafting Mr. Vaseline himself, Ted Ginn.

"It's like raiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin, on your wedding day"

The best part though? Corey is rostering newly retired Mar-A-Lago golf club member, Anquan Boldin.

Oh, you thought I was kidding?

The man literally could not care less and the season hasn’t even started yet.

In honor of such a perfect start to the season, I’ve decided to forgo an overlong roast and get some early ad revenue. Good luck this season, Chip.