Nick's Power Rankings - Week 6

Hey everyone, sorry about the delay. There's no excuse and I promise to start cracking down on all the non-posts on the blog. This is part of what makes our league great, and I'll keep it that way. Here are the rankings:

1.) (LW #2) Cobra Commanders, 4-1 [111.6 PPG, .208 NPRP]

After a hard-fought first five weeks, Melinda has moved into the top spot in the Power Rankings.

Now, for those who don’t know, Melinda Brown came back this past weekend with a trophy for her team’s second-place finish in a tournament. While this has been a wonderful experience for her, I need to report that Melinda is currently under investigation by the PGA for collusion and score fudgery. I have also received word that Melinda is under private investigation for Performance-Enhancing Drugs.

As commissioner, I am going to be as transparent as possible about this situation. I am fully cooperating with the PGA and with federal investigations regarding Melinda’s ways. It is with great sadness that I report Melinda’s state of probation upon hearing of these charges. I personally have hired an ex-FBI official to look into Melinda’s league scores and waiver history.

We’re going to get ahead of this thing, and we’re going to make sure that cheating does not rear its ugly head in the Captain’s League.

This week, Melinda faces former #1, Nick Brown. With Calvin Johnson out, I see Melinda blowing FJG out of the water, but more on that later.

2.) (LW #1) #FreeJoshGordon, 4-1 [110.2 PPG, .206 NPRP]

It was a rough, rough week for Free Josh Gordon as he eeked out a win over the lifeless Hakka Flocka Flame.

Despite Aaron Rodgers’ 21 point walloping of the Vikings on Thursday night, it seemed like the team was fatigued early Sunday morning, unable to match the decrepit punches of their corpse of an opponent.

Calvin Johnson’s goose egg, Kelvin Benjamin’s first big struggle, and Antonio Brown posting his lowest point total of the season?? This team was built on the strength of it’s wide receivers! How does this happen? How do they choke so hard in the morning??

But then, it happened. Red Jesus, AKA the Ellington Express conquered his matchup, which is just why I drafted him. The man who lines up at receiver when he’s not in the backfield caught an 80-yard touchdown pass to hand me the win.

Needless to say, it was a stressful weekend. And it doesn’t end there: Calvin Johnson is out for a few weeks, leaving me short at WR against perhaps my strongest opponent: Melinda Brown. Nick will need a miracle if he’s going to pull out a win against top-ranked Melinda Brown.

3.) (LW #3) 53 Fire, 4-1 [104.8 PPG, .196 NPRP]

Before getting into Bobby’s B’s nail-biter of a win this past weekend, I think we need to address his continuing support of Adrian Peterson.

It was discovered this past week that AD used funds from his charity to pay for an orgy for his underaged brother. It was also discovered that many of the donations his charity has claimed to have sent were falsified. This, of course, coming weeks after the NFL declared that he won’t play until his trial is resolved.

And yet, Bobby B still has AP on his team. He still believes he’ll make a comeback or that someone will trade for him. Adrian Peterson isn’t Josh Gordon, Dad. Let it go.

You expected Frozen, didn't you?

Anyways, Bobby B has finally stopped rising for the time being as he awaits a showdown with DJ Chip Buckerman himself. Even without a top draft pick, Robert has been flexing all season long. Will William’s “No-flex zone” mentality put an end to the winning streak?

4.) (LW #4) Luck Has It, 2-3 [106.4 PPG, .155 NPRP]

For weeks, I’ve been telling people that I never know what to say about Cheryl’s team.

I mean, she has never done me wrong in any way, so how am I supposed to rip her on the blog? She’s always been kind, generous, and filled our rumbling bellies when we ask. Dave’s a lucky man to have her, and I honestly didn’t think I could talk her down in anyway…

…Until now.

Cheryl, as you all know, beat me fair and square in our matchup earlier this season. I was furious; there was no chance of me pulling off an undefeated season if Cheryl pulled out the win. And yet, I was in no place to go and immediately rip her on the blogs for an impressive showing.

Even if I am cocky in victory, like “Notorious” Conor McGregor, I am humble in defeat. And you know what? Cheryl’s been eating a whole lot of humble pie this week.

WOO!

How about that smackdown? I’ve seen some catfights in my days working for the UFC, but I haven’t seen a girl get torn to pieces like that since Ronda Rousey at UFC 175!

That's it. That's the entire fight.

Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl. Do yourself a favor: Call your sons. They’ve been tasting defeat like that for too long. Call them and tell them you love them, and that you’re sorry for their pain. Pity them, Cheryl, because the losses are going to keep coming.

This week, our league’s favorite Indianan faces off against her husband: The rising defending Champ David Michelangelo Smith. Who will rule the Smith household for the coming seasons?

5.) (LW #6) Rank This, 3-2 [89.2 PPG, .148 NPRP]

Dave’s been a little complicated this year. He started off 1-2, without appearing to have the same spark that led him to a Championship last year. It was sad, but to be honest I think that it boosted morale around the league knowing that Dave wasn’t showing up to run things.

Then Matt got off to a hot start and I asked Dave for one simple favor: Beat Matt. Not in an Adrian Peterson-style way, just strictly in Fantasy. The kid was getting hot headed and was trying to negotiate too much from his team’s HQ: LVAC (where the ladies get in free).

We all know how Matt is with ladies.

Dave vowed to put up a strong showing, and that he did. But now he’s followed that up with another comeback win over League sweetheart Sean Brown. This begs the question: Is Dave back?

For my own sake, I hope not. Dave doesn’t appear to be “lucky” this year, but he’s earned some solid victories over good teams (notably handing Melinda her only loss).

This week will ultimately answer the question: Are we seeing Vengeful Dave or Ignore-the-Dress-Code Dave?

6.) (LW #5) Hakka Flocka Flame, 3-2 [87.2 PPG, .145 NPRP]

Now, I have to admit that I was scared and upset all day on Sunday. I was moping and accepting of my defeat until Red Jesus AKA the Ellington Express broke off that 80 yard TD pass to top off a crazy comeback by giving me the lead.

But while I was upset about losing, it was not because I was losing to a good team. No, I was losing to a team that I knew I should have beaten at every individual position. At quarterback, I’d take Rodgers over Ryan. At Running back, I’d take Gore and the Ellington Express over Ahmad Bradshaw (ignore Giovani). At Receiver, I’d take Megatron and Antonio Brown over whatever embarrassing combo Matt has. I’d take a healthy Delanie Walker over this slumping, hurt Jimmy Graham all day. And don’t get me started on FLEX. Doug Martin? I’m surprised he isn’t a sous-chef at Denny’s by now.

Matt's Team

I laughed at my matchup and openly mocked this team for weeks. Heading into Thursday, I went to bed dreaming of little gum drops and fairy dust. But then the betrayal happened.

I’m still trying to get the blood off all of my shirts after getting stabbed in the back so deeply. I’ve gone through 3 gallons of milk and a tub of bleach. That’s right: A TUB.

I checked the free agent market on Tuesday, looking at picking up the Packers defense since they had the easiest matchup in the world: A third string quarterback, a second-string running back, and one of the largest rivalries in professional sports at home on Primetime. “Nah,” I thought. “Matt doesn’t check his lineup unless he is prodded like a fantasy sheep.” Instead, I shut my phone down, rolled over, and slept like a baby.

But what’s this? Matt happened upon the Packers defense. How? Matt doesn’t know when his top players are hurt unless someone tells him…and that’s when it became clear: Corey Hewett, in all his villainous ways, colluded with Matt to try to defeat me.

Well, it didn’t even matter. Both got what they had coming to them as they fell to big rivals. That marks a 2-game losing streak for Captain Baby Oil as he heads into a matchup against his youngest brother, Probation.

7.) (LW #9) Randy Savages, 2-3 [88.8 PPG, .129 NPRP]

Will’s coming off of a big win over his biggest rival in Corey Hewett, but let’s ignore that for now as he turns his sights to his second-biggest rival in the historic Captain’s League matchup of William vs Bobby B.

For those of you who don’t know, in the early days of our league, before the expansion, we were simply known as the Elite 8. It was an 8-team league where everyone was stacked (and where the legend of Victor Cruz was born, but that’s a different story for a different day). After a long and hard-fought season, playoffs came: squaring off Robert Brown vs. Sean Brown and myself vs. Grand Master Will.

In the end, William and Robert triumphed and faced one another for the John Kunha Trophy. William took Bobby B to the woodshed, naturally, as a young man takes his delusional father out to pasture, claiming the prize for himself.

Will, after winning the Championship

As Randy Savages mounts up its troops for an uphill battle the rest of the season, he looks towards a familiar foe. And yet, that foe seems to be the strongest it has ever been this time around. Can William right the ship and knock Bobby B off course??

8.) (LW #7) Kessel Runners, 1-4 [93.2 PPG, .116 NPRP]

I hate to say it, but Sean is the New York Jets of the Captain’s League. Let me clarify:

Every year, we all expect Sean to have a good team. We know he’s looking to bounce back and that he’s putting in more work than he leads on. We suspect him of working day and night to prove himself, and come draft day those suspicions prove to be right.

Sean always drafts a strong, if not unorthodox team. We review it minutes after the draft and realize that this may be his year. Experts rave about it, projecting him to win the championship despite last year’s fluke. Things are looking good.

Sean, post-draft

Then Week One hits, and he gets upset. No big. It’s near-impossible to post a perfect season. One setback shouldn’t be an issue. Sean then proves his fantasy prowess on the waiver wire, signing some big name that will definitely correct an error.

And then, the horrors start…Sean’s team either breaks out a HUGE game and winds up losing on Monday Night to a team who produced a HUGE-r game. And if that doesn’t tie up knots in your stomach, there are the weeks when nothing seems to go his way.

Sean, Week 6

We all love Sean and know that he has some of the best fantasy knowledge in not only our league, but across all leagues. We know this as fact, and yet the fickle bitch that is fantasy football never ceases to be merciless towards him.

Despite being number 8 and only having the lone win thus far, this season is not yet over for Sean. With 8 games left, he could very well put up the season that we not only know he’s capable of, but that he damn well deserves.

This weekend, he regains focus against last place Corey Hewett. This is the time, and this is the team.

9.) (LW #8) Staff Infection, 1-4 [89.6 PPG, .112 NPRP]

Curtis, on the other hand, isn’t any football team I’ve ever heard of.

Last weekend, while facing Bobby B, he started the Raiders defense (initially). Not only do the Raiders have an ATROCIOUS defense, but they were on a bye. And, while we laughed and laughed at that decision, it would have paid off for him.

You see, Curt realized at some point on Sunday that he had made a mistake, and then had the misfortune of picking a defense that was playing the Denver Broncos. There has never been a more confusing set of choices.

Curtis’ defense wound up with -5 points, and he only lost by 3 to Robert Brown. So, if Curtis had left in his bye week defense, he would have actually won with that second goose egg.

I say “second,” because Curtis decided to play Eric Decker last week as well, despite numerous reports that he was hurt. Decker scored 0 and literally anyone on his bench that he could have subbed in would have also won him the game.

You see, its not just that Curtis doesn’t care, it’s that his lack thereof produces painful results. This team is pretty bad, but just when you sleep on them, they come knocking.

And just like the Bible story, you need to be ready when they come knocking, Curtis, because you almost slayed a dragon this week.

Curtis faces Matt this week and blah blah blah, Curtis doesn’t read this and he’ll probably start AJ Green, who’s in a boot.

10.) (LW #10) Cobra Commanders, 4-1 [111.6 PPG, .206 NPRP]

Oh boy.

After starting off this year with a 120-point extravaganza, Corey’s taken a turn for the worst.

Since that showing, Corey’s highest point total is a shameful 86, and that came in week 2.

While I won’t sit here and say what’s wrong with this team, or that Corey doesn’t know what he’s doing (he does), I will say that the kid’s heart isn’t in it anymore. You can see it in his eyes. It’s almost as if, during the preseason, Seal wrote the classic “Kiss From a Rose” about Corey’s fantasy season.

It set things on fire, he had never been more excited or more passionate about it in his life. In Week One, Seal invited Corey and his team to the studio, where he heard it performed for the first time. He wept as he became the light on the dark side of Seal, posting 120 points.

And then, come Tuesday, Seal’s album drops and “Kiss From a Rose” is actually dedicated to Heidi Klum, Seal’s wife. This breaks Corey, and he can’t come back from it.

Or, maybe a better example: Corey loves Shrek. He knows all the words and has all the toys. The other kids make fun of Corey, but they don’t understand: Shrek is love, Shrek is life.

Then one night, Shrek appears before Corey (the night he scores 120 points), but then vanishes. He then finds out at school that Shrek hung out with all the other kids, and not him. It breaks him, and he cries little onion tears.

Maybe it’s the whole “being an adult with a job” thing, but Corey needs the passion back in his life. And that begins this weekend against Shaggy. Bring your onions.