Nick's Power Rankings - Week 3

OK people. You know how it works, let's get into week 3.

1)  (LW #1) #FreeJoshGordon, 2-0 [121.5 PPG, .254 NPRP]

GIMME THAT.

This team is money, people. Money.

With Josh Gordon just waiting to be freed into my starting lineup, Nicky B’s Gangster Squad is dominating the rankings and the league. 15 points per game higher than any other team, and .077 NPRP points ahead of the second-ranked team.

Let’s ignore the fact that Calvin Johnson had an “off” week. Let’s forget that Purple Jesus only put up a nickel. Aaron Rodgers is back in action and the #FJG committee is bringing a storm.

This week, though, FJG is the underdog. Even at home, Nick is projected to lose by 13 to winless Cheryl, but we all know that ESPN is trying their hand at comedy.

2)  (LW #5) Hakka Flocka Flame, 2-0 [85 PPG, .177 NPRP]

In the most poetic way imaginable, Matt won thanks to Luck.

Not only did he win because Andrew Luck fed the ball to TY Hilton enough times, but he was also EXTREMELY lucky that the refs did not throw a flag on that Andrew Luck interception that lost Cheryl just enough points to lose the game.

I was honestly pretty speechless. Cheryl deserved a win there, and it was taken from her thanks to Matt and his damn lucky spree.

Cheryl's reaction to that INT.

Hey Matt, why don’t you go buy a lottery ticket? In fact, go buy a few. You’ll probably win with all 5 of them because reality eludes you.

You know what, though? I’ll give it to you. It’s unprecedented that the second lowest scoring team is undefeated and in 2^nd place. I actually hope that you succeed this year and build upon your substantial divisional lead to make it to playoffs and ultimately the championship game so that I CAN DESTROY YOU.

#SuckForLuck

3)  (LW #2) Cobra Commanders, 1-1 [106.5 PPG, .167 NPRP]

A rough showing by Mama B against her rival, Dave Smith, losing her 3^rd straight to him.

But, thanks to a strong performance in week 1, she only dropped one spot to 3^rd. The amazing thing about this week was that it seems to be reflective of how we all thought Melinda’s season would go: Peyton Manning puts up great numbers, accented by a solid game by Julius Thomas and one surprising FLEX play…but the rest of the team does nothing.

I’m sorry, Mom. You know that pains me to write, but that’s ultimately why you were ranked so low to start the season.

But, Mom has a chance to change my mind this week. As Peyton faces an angry Legion of Boom in Seattle for a Super Bowl rematch, the rest of her team will need to step up in order to beat her firstborn son.

Can she do it? Or will the Cobras be stuck to an iron cross?

4)  (LW #7) Kessel Runners, 1-1 [103.5 PPG, .162 NPRP]

Looks like Sean fixed that lull in the hyperdrive this week, as he systematically kicked Curtis’ ass.

A huge performance by Sean’s defense accented a 26-point trouncing of Staff Infection.

However, with Sean getting a job at Walker Furniture, will he be able to dedicate as much time and effort to this team? While he’s put up some great games so far, the NFL season is starting to show the weaknesses in Colin Kaepernick’s game. Will Sean be able to adapt as the season goes on?

And, more importantly, can he keep putting up wins? While he’s batting .500 right now, a matchup with Mama B poses a serious threat for a man hoping to find his way back into the playoffs. You know he has the talent, but will his slew of running backs pan out in his favor?

5)  (LW #3) I Do LTPA, 1-1 [102.5 PPG, .160 NPRP]

Corey has accused me recently of being too harsh to him on the blog. Apparently I’ve been ripping him harder than anyone else and that I need to apologize.

Corey reading the blog

Lest we forgot my text to Corey saying that I believe in a comeback, or my texting him about AP (leading to my own father calling me Judas, a joke that my father takes WAY more seriously than any other human being I have ever met).

Well, Mr. I Do Like To Poke Around, I’m sorry that you lost this week. It was kind of a rough week. I wouldn’t have expected Cam Newton to outscore Andy Dalton nor would I have expected Brandon Marshall to play hurt (after I told you he would on Saturday).

However, I think that Corey, more than anyone, knows how to bounce back from a seemingly cursed week. Corey analyzes the tapes. He reviews every decision so that he can right his course. And, OH BOY, is it going to be fun to see him right the course this week.

In my Game of the Week, Corey Michael Hewett faces off against the undefeated Matthew David Smith in the first EVER Battle of the Condo. Luck vs the Curse, Accounting vs Marketing, Face vs. Biceps, who will win?

There are an overwhelming number of storylines in this matchup alone, but my favorite is this: Matt, a student with class for only 2 days out of the week, will be facing off against a now-employed Corey, who is in LA training all week long. Will preparation time (or lack thereof) be a factor?

[Editor's Note: Matt just got a job, so be sure to congratulate him]

It should be a great game, and Vegas agrees: They have Corey winning by 3.

6)  (LW #4) Staff Infection, 1-1 [93.5 PPG, .146 NPRP]

Now, we all know that Curtis lost this week’s game. It happens.

It doesn’t help that AJ Green got hurt with a whopping 0 points. I know how much that hurts. But it also didn’t help that Curtis STARTED A CLEARLY HURT JORDAN CAMERON WHEN HE HAS A PERFECTLY HEALTHY TIGHT END ON HIS BENCH.

C’mon, Curtis! I know college is a tough adjustment, but you have to remember your alphabet! This week’s letter is O, and O stands for Out. It also stands for offensive, objectionable, obsolete, OVERCONFIDENT,  and it looks like 0: The number of points your injured Tight Ends scored.

As bad as the infection looked this week, there was a certain amount of bad luck involved, even if Curtis put up a respectable 90 points.

Curtis will need to gather himself and regain his focus as he does battle with his rival: the underwhelming and equally forgetful William Brown. But watch out, Curt, Will is already favored to win by 11.

7)  (LW #8) 53 Fire, 1-1 [92 PPG, .144 NPRP]

Bobby B returns!

Like a mopey phoenix rising from the ashes, Robert Brown kicked and screamed his way to a comeback win thanks to Jordy Nelson.

Bob Brown, AKA “Purple Jesus is sacreligious but I’m going to call you Judas all day” was thoroughly upset at yours truly for not IMMEDIATELY interrupting his non-profit job to alert him about the biggest sports story of the day despite the fact that he benched the starting running back for the Cleveland Browns for SHONN “The Irrelevant” GREENE.

Oh well, it was nice to sit with my father on the couch watching football for hours on end while he compared me to perhaps the biggest human villain in the history of the world, a man who (according to Dante) is now suffering in the deepest circle of Hell, just like the old days!

I went there.

Bob has a shot at revenge this week as he faces Dave Smith, who beat his wife just this past weekend. Will AP come back and be the purple Jesus that Bobby B needs? Or will Robert make another questionable start and get right back on the slippery slope?

[Spoiler alert: Vegas has Dave decimating Daddy-O by 18]

8)  (LW #9) Rank This, 1-1 [86.5 PPG, .135 NPRP]

Leave it to Dave to win his first game in a year where the blogs have not touched him and he’s STILL in the bottom 3.

I really don’t even know how this team is different from last year’s championship team for Dave, and yet he’s getting [retracted] on this year.

Dave's team after each game

Maybe it’s Drew Brees’ 0-2 start? Does Dave need Drew Brees like Gotham needs Batman (And be sure to check out Gotham! A new series on FOX starting September 22!)? 

Or is it the fact that Dave has an awful team this year and that it's just not going to pan out?

Dave reading this, I imagine.

Dave will be back though, it’s only a matter of time. Just as Batman returned when Gotham needed him most, this league may need Dave to shake things up again. Will he start his ascent this week against Robert Brown? Or will he fall back into the pit below as his family’s teams are destroyed in the most horrible fashion?

Honestly, I see Dave winning this week and fighting his way back into contention. But remember, Dave: You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain…in a fantasy football sense.

9)  (LW #6) Luck Has It, 0-2 [96.5 PPG, .101 NPRP]

Poor Cheryl, that win was in her hands until Matt betrayed her.

I remember it vividly: Matt turned to me and said “She has Andrew Luck and Matt Forte; I have TY Hilton. Do I have a chance?”

I thought about it for a moment: The odds were definitely stacked against him, but it’s fantasy football. There’s always a chance.

“Yeah,” I said. “It’s fantasy football, there’s always a chance.”

Matt smiled as he rolled back into the couch like a little boy snuggling with a teddy bear. “Cool,” he said with a smile, “Because I want her to cry.”

All of us watching Matt win.

It was at that time that I realized that Matt was a monster. He has been possessed with the demon that is luck: mistaking just an absolutely insane amount of luck for skill.

What does this have to do with Cheryl? Not a lot. But, what I can say is that she is very much in the same boat as her husband. This year has started pretty roughly, but all she needs is for Luck to get his Colts out of this slump. Sure, Luck has been playing pretty damn well, but something in him is going to click and he will become his final form and will become the Top 5 quarterback everyone knows he is.

This week would be a bad week for it, though, since you play me. Just wait another week and I won’t try to make you cry like Matt.

10)  (LW #10) Randy Savages, 0-2 [71 PPG, .074 NPRP]

Aaaaaand he’s back.

Before I discuss Will’s team: I need to bring up something as commissioner: On Sunday afternoon, Will had not originally started his Defense. He picked up the Redskins D/ST from free agency, which puts said D/ST on your bench. Now, Will forgot that fact, and assumed that the defense starts itself. Now, Will texted me asking that I put them in because he meant to start the ‘Skins. I knew he meant to, as they were his only defense and Will isn’t an idiot, so I started them for him. Now, with that being said, we should all know from now on that your D/ST will not start automatically when you pick them up. You need check your lineup yourselves and start your own D. While I helped Will in this case, I will not be adjusting anyone’s rosters for the rest of the year. I just want to make that clear. Now, back to the rankings:

You gotta feel for the kid after scoring the fewest number of points in Week Two despite being given the free 18 points for his defense.

But this is what happens when you guarantee wins on the blog. We've already told you once. Please stop doing it, for the sake of John Cena.

But maybe this is what destiny has planned for Will. What is more of a story? The kid who imitates a champion to win his second championship? Or the man who fell to the depths of the league and clawed his way back to become the winningest owner in the Captain’s League?

Will is going to need to make some adjustments to come back, though. With Jamaal Charles out and CJ2K not scoring points, this roster may need a slight overhaul if he’s going to defeat Curtis. Don’t get me wrong, he definitely has a shot at coming back this year. I mean, it’s only Week 3 and it is a LONG season. Even though it’s fun to poke fun at the guy in last place, you can’t ignore the fact that Will has consistently been a threat in this League.