And with that final passing Sunday, it is
officially fantasy football season. Welcome to your week one rankings! While
these rankings are based purely on projections, I hope that they give some
insight into how this season will unfold.
In order to determine this week’s rankings,
I have gathered data from our friends at ProFootball guys, who break down each
team’s chances at making playoffs (you should all be familiar). I have also
gathered rankings from ESPN’s fantasy projections, FantasyPro’s “MyPlaybook”
(which breaks down rosters based on a consensus rankings system), and by
collecting how many points each team scored in the preseason.
That’s right, I took everyone’s starting
lineups (minus defenses) and found out how many points everyone scored through
3 preseason games. Granted, some starters haven’t played, but hey, why not make
things interesting?
Anyways, Next to each team’s rank this week
is their preseason ranking, followed by the ranking given by each website
individually. All individual rankings were averaged out. HERE. WE. GO.
1.) #FreeJoshGordon (LW #2) (Points = 1, FantasyPros = 1, ESPN = 7, FootballGuys = 2)
YOU READ THAT RIGHT.
I'd like to thank my fans.
Finally, some respect for all my hard work.
I don’t even remember the draft. I blacked out.
I tied for first in preseason points,
because the arm of Aaron Rodgers and the soft hands of Antonio Brown, who both
put up 23 each. In total, #FGJ posted 103 big ones, and that’s not including
the #1 defense in the league.
FantasyPros, a startup I had heard about,
also broke down our league by position. They awarded me the top spot due to
being #1 at WR1, WR2, and defense, while I was #2 at QB and #3 at kicker. I
like those numbers.
And ESPN…wait, WHAT?
You had to go and mess with a good thing...
What are you smoking, ESPN? Are you high on
talking about Michael Sam and Johnny Football? Or are you getting sick because
you’ve been deprived of Lebron for a month?
Anyways, this team is (in my own biased
opinion) a force to be reckoned with, even with Josh Gordon suspended (for
now)…
Interestingly enough, the top-ranked team
coming into Week 1 has NEVER won the championship, let alone made playoffs.
Last year’s Week One top team? Sean Brown’s What Would Jones Drew? And who did
he get upset by in Week 1? Nicky B’s Mama’s Homemade Salsa.
This year the roles are reversed in Week
One’s Game of the Week. Will the rankings hold up? Or will the upsets continue?
2) Hakka Flocka Flame (LW #7) (Points = 1, FantasyPros = 3, ESPN = 3, FootballGuys = 7)
WHERE DID HE COME FROM?
A week after being systematically
dismantled by award-winning columnist Nick Brown, Matthew “The Face” Smith is
back with a vengeance.
A week of hall-of-fame performances both in
AND out of the gym (including a noticeable improvement in his parking
abilities), Matt’s made a statement by ascending half of the rankings coming
into week one.
Even though I hate the team, the stoners
over at ESPN love it. What, did they have Floyd Mayweather read the roster? Did
Roger Goodell make a ruling that this team was ranked 3rd before
giving Josh Gordon a year-long suspension for being .01 over the NFL’s allowed
THC levels despite a second (passed) drug test? Or did he do it after giving
Ray Rice 2 weeks for KNOCKING HIS WIFE UNCONSCIOUS?
Either way, Matt’s team put up 103 points
as well in the preseason (granted, they had more playing time than any other
team).
AND, the guys at Fantasy Pros love Hakka.
Matt is ranked #1 at TE, RB2, and FLEX, and landed a 3rd place
ranking DESPITE being dead last at WR and #6 at QB.
Maybe Matt will put in the hours this year.
But how can he when he sleeps for 10 hours a day and works out for 3?
Matt, however, is a MAJOR underdog this
week, facing Dave Smith 2.0 in week one (more on than later).
3) Rank This (LW #4) (Points = 9, FantasyPros = 2, ESPN = 1, FootballGuys = 4)
Oh, I’m ranking you Dave, and I’m even
ranking you higher than I did during the preseason.
Dave right now, probably.
The reigning champion came in 9th in
preseason points, which makes sense since Gronk didn’t play and Brees might as
well not have, still scoring 14 points in almost as many minutes. In fact, if
points weren’t included in this ranking, then you’d be ranked 1st.
FantasyPros also love your team: giving you
the #1 rank for kicker, and top 3 billings for QB, Defense, and TE. Other than
that though, you’re ranked in the bottom half of both WR and RB. So if things
don’t pan out with Gronk, this ranking could go South quick.
Dave faces his Curtis this week, where he
is favored by 9 in what should be a family-friendly tune-up.
4) Cobra Commanders (LW #10) (Points = 3, FantasyPros = 6, ESPN = 2, FootballGuys = 10)
I’m beginning to get the feeling that
ESPN’s rankings are just a joke. 2 of their top 3 teams are ranked between 7
and 10 on EVERY OTHER WEBSITE.
Actual footage of ESPN's fantasy projections team
Melinda Brown, fresh off an MFA in
Betrayal, has risen the ranks like an unholy phoenix seeking blood.
Mama B’s Backstabbers put up 101 points in
the preseason, unsurprisingly behind Peyton Manning’s 26 points. But we all
knew Pey Pey can score points, so this is no surprise.
What is a surprise is that Lindy is ranked
in the top 4 despite being in the bottom 4 at EVERY POSITION except for QB and
TE, where she is ranked 1st and 3rd, respectively.
Melinda has a chance to take it to her
husband again, just like last year where she UNLOADED on Bobby B in Week One.
This game will make the Ray rice situation look like Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots.
5) 53 Fire (LW #3) (Points = 10, FantasyPros = 4, ESPN = 5, FootballGuys = 3)
Bobby B may have avoided the lumberjack’s
axe for now, but in the distance he hears a faint but familiar sound…
“TIMBERRRRRRRR…”
Let’s address Bobby B’s lowest rank for a
moment: points. If preseason points were not a part of this week’s average,
then Dad would be ranked #4. However, points here are very important because of
how far back Robert was.
Specifically, 53 Fire only scored 39
preseason points. In 3 weeks…
You read that right, Dad.
AP and Arian Foster boasted an astounding 0
points, while RG3 put up bounce-back numbers, recording 3 points.
Their highest scorer? Torrey Smith with 12
points.
His team is balanced though. While not
placing #1 at any position, Roberto placed 3rd at 4 positions: RB1,
RB2, FLEX, and D/ST. He also (apparently) has the best bench in the league.
Let’s all hope Bobby B can actually come
out this year and look like he belongs against his wife, Sophomore Owner
Melinda “It’s me, Bitch” Brown.
6) I Do L.T.P.A (LW #5) (Points = 7, FantasyPros = 5, ESPN = 6, FootballGuys = 5)
I Do Listen to Paul Allen has also dropped
a little in the rankings, this time due to mediocre finishes in every facet of
the rankings.
Maybe it’s the curse: Corey’s teams have
been known to get hurt in strange ways. His stars seem to bust just when you
think they’re about to shine. His job is always just about to start until you
realize he has “a few more weeks of vacation.”
Or maybe, just maybe, Corey has low
standards.
Look at this team: 1st at RB, 3rd
at WR, and 8th or worse at EVERY OTHER POSITION. He takes these big
picks early on, and then assumes it’s “in the bag.” His standard for a good
team is based around having a good 1st round pick.
It’s heartbreaking. You know he puts in the
work, and you know that he knows what he’s doing, but he settles. He doesn’t
play to win, he plays to not lose again, and that’s no way to live.
Corey could, however, turn the trend
around. This year he faces a prototype
team in what may be Week One’s biggest rivalry. Can Chippy B start off with a
win against Chippy B?
7) ~ Randy Savages (LW #1) (Points = 8, FantasyPros = 7, ESPN = 8, FootballGuys = 1)
Kesha Rose Serbert woke up in her LA studio
apartment. It was noon, and fall was just beginning to strike the city of
Angels. She looked out at the skyline, wiping excess glitter from her eyes when
the doorbell rang.
She slipped on some pants and answered the
door to find one of her unnamed assistants standing in the doorway with her
usual breakfast: imported bagels with 2 spiked Pumpkin Spice Lattes. She smiled
as she made her way down to the limo waiting outside.
In front of her, between the bottles of
alcohol and the spilled jar of glitter, were song lyrics. She read them over.
“This works,” she thought. “The lyrics are
bad and it’s annoyingly catchy, but it’s missing something. Something that
makes it so awful that it’ll hit.”
“So what do you suggest?” Her unnamed
assistant looked at her, making Kesha realize that she was thinking out loud
again.
“We need to bring him in,” she said. “Call
him up and tell him to meet us at the studio.”
15 minutes later, the limo pulled in front
of a high end recording studio. Kesha got out, almost stumbling from what could
have been a hangover but was probably a result of her perpetual high.
She entered the booth, crumpled lyrics
written in front of her: surely the result of some intern’s 3 AM shift. And as
she put on the headphones, the beat started.
“This is it,” she said. “This is our new
hit.”
She looked through the glass in the booth
and met eyes with international superstar, Pitbull. And that’s when the music
overcame her…
“We’re going down. We’re yelling
TIMBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Got him.
William Brown has fully transcended his
identity and has become Dave Smith 2.0.
Not only did he not care about the draft.
Not only did he underdress. Not only is he holding out from writing a blog
because Dave didn’t write one, but he is now purposefully dropping in rank to
match Dave’s championship team last year.
Will was 8th in preseason
points, only putting up 61 points (eerily close to Dave’s 56), behind Dez
Bryant’s 15 and Reggie Bush’s 16.
Will’s team is also eerily similar to
Corey’s: ranking #2 at both RB and WR, and placing 7th or worse at
everything else.
So what will it be? A doppelganger of
Dave’s “I Don’t Care” Championship run? Or a clone of Corey’s “It’s in the bag”
9th place finish?
8) Kessel Runners (LW #6) (Points = 5, FantasyPros = 10, ESPN = 4, FootballGuys = 5)
After making his own “Shaggy’s Rankings”
(where he was 8th), Sean places 8th here as well.
Sean was middle-of-the-pack in preseason
points: scoring 76. This number would have been MUCH worse if not for 20 points
from Kyle Rudolph.
The Runners seem to be outmatched by the
rest of the league, ranking 6th or worse at every position except
for FLEX (2nd) and Bench (4th)…ouch.
Then again, maybe Sean will mount an
offense like the rebels did against the Empire. Despite having the 7th
ranked WR corps, he has the 2nd best WR1 in DT. Despite having the 6th
best RB group, he has the 2nd best RB2 in Alfred Morris.
So maybe Sean will rise up, greater than we
could possibly imagine.
That rise will have to begin against his
own brother: a man who upset him in Week One last season, leading to his
missing playoffs. Will Sean return the favor?
9) Luck Has It (LW #8) (Points = 4, FantasyPros = 9, ESPN = 9, FootballGuys = 8)
Even after adding in a 4th place
points ranking, Cheryl couldn’t move up the rankings.
I really don’t know what to say here.
Cheryl’s best position is Kicker, where she’s #2. That kicker put up 32 of her
team’s 80 preseason points. This is just looking rough and I don’t know how to
be as optimistic about it as I was last year.
One way I would usually look at it is that
there’s depth, and that if one player doesn’t work out, there’s always a
replacement.
But…Cheryl has the worst-ranked bench in
the league. Ouch.
I tried to find a silver lining. I really did.
Maybe one upside for Cheryl is that she’s
playing Corey this week. Corey is currently 0-2 in league history during week
1. Will that trend continue?
10) Staff Infection (LW #9) (Points = 6, FantasyPros = 8, ESPN = 10, FootballGuys = 9)
Change the name, it’s cursed.
Curtis seems to have forgotten the last
time a team was called “Staff Infection” in this league.
The last time was last year, actually, when
Corey Mayweather Hewett was dead last in the league.
The name is looking to continue it’s
last-place legacy, as Curtis is struggling both on and off the fantasy field.
On it, Curtis’s highest ranking was 6th
in preseason points, where he scored 72. Solid, but not anything to celebrate
about. Curtis is not ranked in the top 3 at any position group, nor at any
individual position.
But that’s not all. League sources are
reporting that Curtis will get to the point where he won’t be setting lineups
week-to-week. According to sources, he “had to be reminded every week last
year…He doesn’t have that now.”
We have no sympathy for someone who doesn't put up effort.
But here's Lebron playing the world's smallest violin.
Will Curtis mount up a comeback and make
playoffs? Or will he go back to his pre-probation ways and finish dead last?
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