Hey readers, sorry for the delay. For those of you who don't know, First Commissioner Gordon was in town this past weekend and I didn't want to be rude by ignoring her for the blog. But hey, we're back at it and boy was week one a doozy.
Just as a reminder for how I make these power rankings: I have created a math formula to calculate the Nick Power Ranking Percentage. The formula is:
(1+ Winning %) x (Team's PPG/League's Total Points) = NPRP
The higher your NPRP, the higher your ranking. Now let's jump in.
1) (LW #1) # FreeJoshGordon 1-0, 130 PPG [.269 NPRP]
#NODISRESPECTTOBENAFFLECK but Nicky B put
on one hell of a show this past weekend, maintaining his #1 spot handily.
'sup, bitches. I'm back.
Despite a suspect showing by Aaron Rodgers
against the Legion of Boom, this political statement was loud, putting up 130
points.
Can that point total be replicated, though?
Last year we saw a surge of points in Week 1 by Cheryl and Melinda, and neither
posted a higher total for the rest of the season. We all know that Nick’s
weakness is RB, but can his receivers continually post these high totals?
Now, those points were put up against the
elder, Sean Brown. This week Nick plays the youngest, most collegiate Brown
brother, William Brown and Randy Savages. Will the domination continue?
2) (LW #4) Cobra Commanders 1-0, 121 PPG [.250 NPRP]
In Mama B fashion, Peyton Manning led to
a complete trouncing of a weak Bobby B squad. And, in Mama B fashion, it was
done over brunch, alcohol, and decorative cupcakes.
Can this team’s season be more predictable?
Peyton Manning and the Broncos are favored to go to (and win) the Super Bowl.
While it is MUCH too early to say for sure, it’s obvious that Peyton will be
raking in the points all season, but can the rest of her team? We all remember
last year when Melinda got drunk baking cookies and vowing that Dave would lose
only to see Peyton have ONE bad game and blow her season.
Historically, Melinda lives for these week
one matchups against her husband, where she plays with a fiery anger that none
of us dare inhibit. But in week 2, she’s weak. Can she control the tides this
year and beat Dave just as easily as she decimated her own husband? Or will
Peyton fall from grace?
Manning can’t save you forever, Melinda.
Hopefully this trend continues, but I think we all know that Peyton will have a
bad game sooner of later.
3) (LW #6) I Do LTPA 1-0, 119 PPG [.246 NPRP]
His comeback continues!!! For the first
time in a long time, Chippy B has finally made it back into the Top 5 in a
regular season power ranking.
After weeks of meditation and “not
studying” and not working, Corey Michael Hewett has kick-punched his way into
Fantasy Fame. He’s like post-Argo Ben Affleck if Ben Affleck was just absolute
garbage at fantasy football.
Somehow, Corey lived up to his name as he
did Load The Points Abundantly. And, of course, the majority of his points came
from Corey’s least favorite pick: Le’Veon Bell.
Now, while I’d like to rip apart Corey’s
team, it looked pretty solid this weekend. I think this team holds strong all
year long and makes a strong push for playoffs, but, to be fair, Corey’s
fantasy teams are reminiscent of Chris Paul’s performance in Conference finals.
4) (LW #10) Staff Infection 1-0, 98 PPG [.202 NPRP]
Curtis! Have you been working out? That
Flagstaff air is doing wonders for your health. I had no idea that you could
climb that high!
Curtis vs. the Power Rankings
Granted, you played Dave, who played like
we all expected him to last year, but putting up 98 isn’t easy. Your team
played well and I completely understand why you won.
What I don’t understand is you texting me,
“Hey nick rank this.”
You’re not Dave! Your team was projected to
do the worst this season by multiple websites and even though you won, you
failed to hit 100 points! Had you led the league in scoring, I’d understand,
but given the circumstance I cannot accept that text.
I don’t even know what’s worse, Curtis: not
capitalizing my name or just sending that text at all. Just completely
disrespectful.
Now, Curtis, before you face me in the
coming weeks, you will have to face the trials of the Brown brothers. Up next
for you is an angry Kessel Runners team led by Sean “Passing Drug Tests” Brown.
You want to keep talking? Shape up and show me what you’ve got this week.
5) (LW #2) Hakka Flocka Flame 1-0, 78 PPG [.161 NPRP]
Get your popcorn ready
Matt surprised no one this week by scoring
the 3rd fewest fantasy points and still getting a win.
Despite the fact that his mother’s team
name is “Luck Has It,” Matt seems to have all the luck in the world. Last year, I came under fire for berating
both Matt and Dave’s fantasy teams while both still made playoffs. Dave won the
Championship game against yours truly.
Matt, however, somehow eeked his way in
with a 6-7 record. That’s lucky. Last year, Matt’s team averaged the 2nd
fewest points per game despite making playoffs. That’s lucky. Last year, Matt’s
team had the 4th fewest points scored against him. That’s lucky.
Based on probability alone, there should be
NO WAY that Matt gets THAT lucky 2 years in a row, and yet he’s already off to
the right start, scoring the 3rd fewest points while having the
fewest points against.
So how did this happen?? Corey broke his
alleged curse by getting a sound victory, shouldn’t the fantasy scales balance
themselves out and bring Matt back down with the fantasy plebeians?
6) (LW #9) Luck Has It 0-1, 103 PPG [.106 NPRP]
Cheryl pulled the short straw this week, losing to Corey Hewett, who was bound to bounce back at some point. And despite the loss, she is still the 4th highest scoring team.
Cheryl did show some bright spots, though.
While she was never winning her matchup, Andrew Luck proved to be a viable
fantasy option even in a rough matchup against the Broncos.
And as Luck would have it, Luck Has It
faces off against the lucky-luck Hakka Flocka Flame this week. Cheryl is
favored by 5 points as of this writing, and I know we all hope she wins by more
than that to get her season back on track.
7) (LW #8) Kessel Runners 0-1, 91 PPG [.094 NPRP]
It was a rough week for the Kessel Runners
this week, who have opened at 0-1 for the second year in a row.
However, Sean’s team looked promising as
always, minus a less-than-stellar week from DT and Emmanuel Sanders. Any team
that can put up 91 points despite 12 total points from their WRs is dangerous.
And that danger is apparent, as Shaggy is
favored by 21 points against the (disrespectful) Curtis Smith and his Staff
Infection. I can’t see a scenario where Sean doesn’t pull out a win here, let
alone a big one.
Sean just needs to go to the Degobah system
and try to center himself with the help of his mentor…
Despite a rough start last season, Sean’s
upcoming schedule looks bright. Expect a bounce-back.
8) (LW #5) 53 Fire 0-1, 82 PPG [.085 NPRP]
On October 14, 2012, Felix Baumgartner
achieved his dreams. From 127,851 ft above New Mexico, Felix jumped. At one
point achieving Mach 1.25, he not only became the first man to break the sound
barrier without the assistance of an engine, but he also successfully broke the
world record for highest altitude jump.
That was, until this weekend, when Bobby B
fell even further: to 8th.
Has Bobby B even come close to beating
Melinda? According to sources, he was heard saying “It doesn’t matter what I
do, I’m going to win,” numerous times throughout the week.
Good one, Dad
This week Pops has a tough matchup against
3rd ranked I Do LTPA. Can he achieve some redemption for all the
smack-talk over the years and put Corey back in his place? Or will the younger
generation solidify it’s place of superiority?
9) (LW #3) Rank This 0-1, 76 PPG [.079 NPRP]
I don’t know what to say, Dave. Last week’s
performance is what I expected last year.
I mean, Drew Brees had a semi-rough week.
And none of your running backs did anything. Hell, no one on your team really
did anything…
I can’t really see this becoming a regular
occurrence, though. While I don’t like Dave’s WR corps, his running backs have
to bounce back at some point. Then again, Trent Richardson is proving to be
awful and Ray Rice is gone from the NFL, so I guess things might get worse.
Let’s hope Dave bounces back soon, but it’s
hard to say he will against the high-flying Cobra Commanders (who are favored
by 28 points).
10) (LW #7) Randy Savages 0-1, 70 PPG [.072 NPRP]
He wanted it, and he got it. What's that ranking, Kobe?!?
William Brown has assumed his final form:
David Leonidas Smith.
After a downright brutal week one for the
former fantasy champion, Will has fallen to tenth after week one. Granted, this
ranking shouldn’t last long because of a pretty solid roster, it’s hard to see
the kid go from 1st to last so rapidly.
What did Will do to get here? How could he
have lost to such an awful team?
Oh no, he didn’t. Did he?
You can say A LOT of things on this blog,
but we all know that the one thing you should NEVER do is guarantee a win. You
may be confident in your team, and I wouldn’t blame you if you are, but the
blog is a fickle bitch. It’s powers are mysterious, and we should never toy
with that.
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