Shaggy’s Revised Rankings and Shenanigans

Last year saw the number ten ranked team, Mr. Dave Smith, win the Championship and the number one ranked team, yours truly, finish with a winning record but miss the playoffs.  What does this tell me about preseason rankings? Shenanigans. Total and utter horse hockey.  Yes, I found Nick’s preseason rankings amusing and a few times they really did make me laugh out loud.  But as a basis to judge the season on? Ehhhhhh whatever.  So here are my preseason rankings:

1. Kessel Runners starting lineup

2. Kessel Runners bench

3. Whatever waiver claims the Kessel Runners pick up.

Cocky enough for you Nick?

Ok, in all seriousness, Nick uses a great tool to rank the teams.  But he outsources.  I’m gonna take a completely different approach to ranking the teams.  This approach is also somewhat biased, more on that in a bit though. 

PROJECTED POINTS. What do they mean? Does any of us know? How often do you start a guy because ESPN says he has more projected points then someone else? How often do you ignore them? And where do they come from? Sometimes they can be so far off I think someone has a giant dartboard somewhere….  Someone must think that they matter because ESPN kindly includes them with every player.

To give the rankings a different spin, I looked at each team’s projected point totals and ranked them in that order.  Based on projected point totals alone, I’m going to identify some MVPs, Busts, Good Values and Bad Values.  MVPs are guys who have the highest projected point totals for a team, Busts are lowest.  Good Value players are guys who have higher projected point totals then guys going around them and Bad Value guys are opposite. 

Now for the bias.  Quarterbacks score the most amount of points.  The more Quarterbacks that you have, the higher your total projected points will be.  Quarterbacks, Kickers and Defenses will be left out of individual player discussion.

Remember these are PROJECTED point totals.  These will become more accurate as the season progresses and rosters shake down due to injuries, cuts, etc.

#1 Cobra Commanders, 2,671 Total Projected Points (TPP)

Besides Peyton I thought this was a totally uninspiring team.  And then I looked at the numbers.  Granted, ESPN thinks Brady will bounce back. Those two guys make up for 629 of the Commanders points. A high overall average, plus an extra kicker, give this team the highest projected point total of the season. Can Lynch beast mode to 229? Did Peyton sell his soul to Papa John or just his fivehead? Only time will tell.

MVP: Marshawn Lynch, 229 Total Points (TP) 

Busts: Jeremy Hill, 92 TP and Steve Smith 95 TP 

Good Value: Marshawn Lynch, 229 TP, 2^nd Round Average (excluding QB, K, D): 190

Bad Value: Darren Sproles 96 TP 10^th Round Average: 115

#2 Rank This, 2,586 TPP

How’s this for a ranking Mr. Smith? Feel better know? Thinking about changing the team name up? I understand you caught an absurd amount of flak last year. But just take a gander at the team that was ranked ahead of you.  That’s right. Darren Sproles was the Commander’s worst value pick and that was in the TENTH ROUND. Can you see what the flak was based on now? Although some of these numbers look a little too optimistic for me, you’ve built the #2 team going into this season.  Let’s take a look:

MVP: Eddie Lacy, 214 TP  

Bust: Legarrette Blount, 62 and Jake Matthews 67  

Good Value: Ray Rice, 161 TP 6^th Round Average: 141  

Bad Value: Marques Colston, 124 TP, 8^th Round Average: 137  

Not no way, not no how: Trent Richardson, 170 TP

#3 53 Fire, 2,568 TPP

Well Pops, after knocking me out of the playoffs in year 1 and finishing dead last (according to Corey) last year, you’re in a prime position to make a comeback this year. Don’t let that first Cal win get to your head though, numbers can, and often do, lie. You could have taken any player you wanted and you didn’t screw it up. Your team was the hardest to figure out because you’ve made so many waiver moves already.

MVP: Adrian Peterson, 250 TP, the most of any none QB

Bust: You dropped Tyler Eifert, so I didn’t look. The guy you replaced him with? The guy that gets more concussions then Wes Welker! Zach Miller, 45 TP. Why? Have you seen “Not Another Teen Movie?” The one where they count down how many concussions a player has left on the scoreboard… That’s Zach Miller.  One or two and he’s Patient Zero of the Zombie Apocalypse. Straight up ripping his helmet off and trying to eat people on the field.  I just hope Brady is first.

Good Value: Mike Wallace 131 TP, 11^th Round Average: 87

Bad Value: Victor Cruz 144 TP, 4^th Round Average: 160

#4 Hakka Flocka Flame. 2,671 TTP

Quarterbacks score you the most points.  So you would think that the only team with three QBs would have the most projected points, right? Not so fast there. When your first round pick has the lowest total projected points it tends to bring your score down a bit.  But Matt has taken enough heat over the Gio pick.

MVP: Doug Martin 200 TP.  (I laughed while typing that)

Bust: Teddy Bridgewater 72 TP

Good Value: Ryan Matthews 163 TP, 6^th Round Average 141

Bad Value: Roddy White 140 TP, 5^th Round Average 154

#5 Luck Has It 2,410 TTP

What a couple Cheryl and Dave make. He’s got the wife beater, she’s got the racist. For the first two rounds I thought Cheryl was going straight by the book…. And then her Luck ran out. It’s too easy to make bad puns about him. 

MVP: Matt Forte 235 TP

Bust: Ahmad Bradshaw 50 TP

Good Value: Andre Johnson 178 TP, 6^th Round Average 141

Bad Value: Lamar Miller 82, 7^th Round Average 151

#6 Staff Infection 2,396 TPP

Curt, you kept me out of the playoffs on a tiebreaker last year. Yes that means you beat me fair and square one week but that doesn’t help me. I know Nick already ranted about DeMarco, but I’m gonna have to lay into you here.  You and Matt are the only two teams whose first round picks aren’t supposed to score more than 200 points.  Even if you had reversed the order and taken AJ Green first, I still can’t believe you picked Murray that early.

MVP: AJ Green 199 TPP (First team where it’s not a running back)

Bust: Demarco…. Na it’s James White at 39 TP

Good Value: Ruben Randle 95 TP, 15^th Round Average: 72

Bad Value: DeMarco Murray: 190 TP, 1^st Round Average: 227

#7 Randy Savages 2,394 TPP

This team really doesn’t look too bad on paper, why is it so low on the…. Randy freakin Moss. Zero projected points. Will if you had drafted Matt Shaub, you’d be in front of Curt and Cheryl. But a third QB would set you up for the kind of ribbing Matt gets. So drop this bum already. He plays when he wants to play and he clearly doesn’t want to play anymore.

MVP: Jamal Charles: 244 TP

Bust: Moss 0 TP and Tavon Austin at 84 TP

Good Value: Steven Jackson 149 TP, 8^th Round Average: 132

Bad Value: Uhhh the worst I could find is DeSean Jackson 147 TP, 5^th Round Average 154

#8 #FreeJoshGordon

Get over it. He didn’t beat his wife, he didn’t wave a gun around LAX, but he broke a set of written rules. What would you do Commish? Let him slide? Then you’d be setting a precedent and would have to let every guy who smokes slide. Gordon’s big fat 0 projected points keeps you in the eighth spot.

MVP: Megatron 236 TP

Bust: Gordon and Carlos Hyde 73 TP

Good Value: Joique Bell 160 TP, 7^th Round Average: 138

Bad Value: Brandin Cooks 89 TP, 9^th Round Average 121

#9 Kessel Runners 2,306 TPP

Yikes, I guess drafting four straight running backs and six overall wasn’t the greatest idea.  Oh well, still happy with the team and there’s no possible way I’m finishing in 9^th.  I’m gonna play the cocky card all year.

MVP: Demarius Thomas 216 TP

Bust: Cristian Michael 51 TP

Best Value: Emmanuel Sanders 139 TP 9^th Round Average: 104

Bad Value: Percy Harvin 127 TP, 6^th Round Average: 145

#10 I Do L.T.P.A.

“All wrapped up.” I don’t need to see more but I will.  I’ve seen this team somewhere before. Somewhere. That’s right, it’s the same strategy I used last year. Grab all the big name handcuffs and hope one of them comes through.  It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. The problem is that if none of them come through you’re stuck with at least five guys who fail to put up 100 points. Let’s see if it pays off better for Corey this year.

MVP: Shady 242 TP

Bust: D. Freeman 54 TP

Good Value: Marcus Wheaton 90 TP 15^th Round Average: 73

Bad Value: My boy MJD 119 TP, 6^th Round Average: 146