Will's Wizard Wednesday Week 5

Well folks, it happened again. Cast back down to a shameful state of sadness and unsuccessful cockiness. I have a few things to say to my team.

Nick Foles: 3 points? An entire professional football game as a starting quarterback and you put up 3 points? Congrats on the choke of the century missing your running back on a third and long screen pass that you had to convert, also great play call. ya garbage

Jamal: ITS ABOUT TIME 28 POINTS AFTER NOT SCORING MORE THAN 3 ALL YEAR WHY THE WEEK WHERE ITS OUT OF REACH?

Reggie: Its cool man, I know you’re torn up about Kim’s baby and its really affecting your performance I understand. You could never have a cool child’s name like “North West,” unless you named your kid Harry. 

Dez: I needed at least 20 out of you this week and since you’ve had countless domestic abuse cases that haven’t been brought to light you’re already on thin ice buster. Step yo game up

Alshon Jeffery: I mean I can’t really complain about 10 points out of a receiver #2.

Greg Olsen: 3? 3 points? If you could talk to Cam about where his priorities are at during practice this week that’d be great unless you want to wake up as the running back for the Las Vegas Locomotives. You are 2 bad games away from being the Raiders new head coach

Cecil Shorts: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE YOU COULDN’T CATCH ONE DEEP BALL YOU’RE THE ONLY THREAT ON YOUR TEAM YOU FINALLY COMPETE WITH A TEAM AND YOU CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?! 

San Diego D/ST: Wow great pickup Will, nice try Cheryl

Janikowski: You’re off the team

Our next order of business is Cheryl, who I have to admit actually got in my head this week with the most psychologically troubling smack talk of all time, this is a conversation between me and Cheryl that occurred exactly one week ago.

Cheryl: “Dang. I was trying to get chargers defense too. How’s college treating you?”

Will: “pretty great, its beautiful here and I’m having a lot of fun. You’re not going to get in my head Cheryl”

Cheryl: “I’m glad your having fun! Curt seems to be enjoying himself too.”

Will: “I won’t fall for your trickery!”

I let her get in my head… Why would she text me this before our matchup, when she knows we’re enemies? Why would she not expect me to be picking up the chargers D when I get a new one every week? Why can’t she use the proper form of “you’re” at her age? 

All my questions went unanswered and I should have spent more time planning my lineup rather than pondering…

I have a tough matchup against my arch nemesis Corey Hewett which we all know is the most exciting game, the Rose Bowl if you will, of our league. I guarantee a win though.

Will Brown is a martial artist and a part time guy at college and wants everyone to know he is not in last place, by 4 points.

Will's Wednesday - Week 4

WE’RE BACK! Yes, welcome back to Will Wednesday’s and welcome Will back to fantasy football. 122 points? Yeah, we made it. She said she working at Walgreens; but not at the store, at the head office. 

You know, I read quite a bit last week but the thing that stood out the most to me was Corey’s Corner. All he talked about was this no-flex zone and deadlines…

SEAN BROWN 2015 SEAN PROMISES TO BE AS LENIENT WITH TRADES AS HE IS WITH HIS BLOG DEADLINE SEAN BROWN 2015

Now the deadline issue doesn’t concern me as I have self respect but I thought long and hard about how my actions have affected my performance so far this season, and I realized that I just need to flex even harder… I wanted to start Desean Jackson (who put up 24 points) or maybe Cecil Shorts (9 points, his first game back) but I thought “Wait a second, I already guaranteed this win so I’m gonna win no matter what, better send him in…” So I put in the GOAT one clap wonder Randy Moss. Sure, he got me 0 points but I needed to bench some people to keep them fresh for next week!

This week I’m going up against Cheryl and despite her being favored in the projections (which are always 100% right) she’s starting an Oakland Raider WR and still hasn’t picked up a defense. And her empty bench spot leads me to believe to tried to pick up the Chargers D, who I got. FOOL CHERYL, I CONTROL THE WAIVER WIRES, I AM FREE AGENCY. Clocks ticking, have fun getting the Dolphins D.

Regardless, I’ll keep it short and guarantee a win against “Luck has it” this week.

Will Brown is, despite contrary belief, not the owner a house nor a condo in Miami, and he would like to know what you would do for a grammy? Head Office.

Will's Wizard Wednesday - Week Three

Hey readers, I’d like to start out this week with two letters, the quick one-two punch that makes the modern world go round. UI. User Interface. 

Let me paint a picture for you, the Chiefs D/ST after scoring negative points against a sub par offense is playing the Denver Broncos. I wouldn’t be surprised if only 1/3 of our league sees a problem there, and that one third might contain some people who drafted more than one defense. The point is that I saw this as a problem and picked up who i thought was going to have a big week. I went to the “Add Player” tab on my trusty ESPN fantasy football app, (feel free to follow along) scrolled down, and clicked on “More D/ST’s” then clicked on “Redskins D/ST” (they will be available by the time this is posted) and proceeded to click the green “+add” button. But wait, I already have a roster full of top tier receivers and solid RBs! My bench was certainly not to be touched, and it was full, so I dropped the Chiefs defense straight from my starting lineup and when I was prompted that this was done successfully I exited the app and continued my life. 

Sunday 10:35AM, A text? From Sean Brown? My face lit up, the glorious leader has decided to grace me with his time and energy via sending a text?! [SEAN BROWN 2015] But as I read it my happiness turned to fear, my heart dropped, my stomach churned, my brow sweat, and I knew something was wrong…

“Who’s your defense?” it read. 

No… no…. thats impossible it said it went through it said “successful” my bench was full how could it just put my only defense on the bench it doesn’t make any sense theres no room in there why wouldn’t it just replace the player I told it to replace-

Yes, Nick put my Defense in for me, and yes, I didn’t deserve it but considering I still lost by 30+ points we can safely say it has no bearing on this weeks game or the rest of the season. I have picked up a new defense and went through a bunch of extra steps to actually put them on my starting lineup. We can put this to rest.

Normally I would go through my team and berate everyone who screwed me this week but essentially everyone screwed me except my boy Dez. He hasn’t failed me since Thanksgiving. Someone tell Sean I’d be willing to trade Jamal Charles for Rob Housler since thats probably a fair trade in his eyes.

So it has come to this, I’m 0-2, ranked dead last, and the laughing stock of the whole league. But at least I have integrity. I didn’t draft any wife beaters or child abusers, you people sicken me.

Some say I should overhaul my whole team, some say I need to pick up some running backs, some say I should stop guaranteeing wins, but I disagree.

I GUARANTEE A WIN AGAINST CURTIS THIS WEEK I’M SUPER CEREAL THIS TIME ITS A LOCK

Will Brown is a shell of his former self and a full time KLMU DJ, catch him in the mix Fridays 8-10pm PRIME TIME.

Will's Wednesday Week 2

How… Honestly how… 

This was supposed to be my year, I was finally gonna get a win week 1. It was in the bag, a “gimme,” some would even say it was “the lock of the century”

I was too casual, too cavalier, I merely watched the raiders lose and didn’t even consider the fact that I could be losing to [THE UN-NAMED TEAM THAT PICKED GIOVANNI BERNARD 1ST ROUND]. I finally looked at my phone only to realized I was being completely screwed, 2 points Jamal? 5 Dez? But there was still hope, i was down by 2 points and we each had one player. I had Reggie (Heisman) Bush, and he had Ryan (Glass-Clavicle) Matthews.

Imagine me monday morning, 9am class just ended and I wander into Jamba Juice, order a chunky strawberry bowl, turn around and what do I see? A man in a LeDainian Tomlinson Jersey? 

Okay, I’m in LA I’m sure its a coincidence… I’m still fine Reggie Bush is projected 14 points to Ryan Matthew’s 5 after all. Sean seems to think projections matter… Right…?

Sean also thinks your rights as a member of this league matter

He’s willing to fight for the greater good, and the trading of draft picks

End the Tyranny, End the conspiracy

-Sean Brown 2015-

(Paid for by the Sean Brown 2015 ad council)

Later on I was walking into University Hall for Philosophy class, and as I stood on the escalator (because you aren’t supposed to walk on an escalator people, that defeats the entire purpose. Just stand on it and let it take you down its not made to double your speed its a mode of transportation, seriously do you jump on an elevator?) I spy none other than an Antonio Gates jersey.

Well come on man, I’m sure that hispanic girl’s dad is just a fan of Antonio Gates, not the Chargers, no one actually supports that team still… Theres plenty of people here with Reggie Bush jerseys… Right…? Wrong.

Finally, I stumble into the lair, order a stir fry; chicken, shrimp, teriyaki, osaka noodles, nothing could go wrong. Until I saw it, right in front of my face was a man who stood no taller than 5’5 with a penny board in one hand and a plate of quesadillas in the other sporting a light blue number 24 San Diego Chargers jersey that read “Matthews” on the back. It was then I knew it was over… Destiny must have brought all these things so I didn’t watch a minute of the game and closed the fantasy app until my demise was confirmed by a simple “gg” text from none other than my opponent… Matt Smith.

Now last week I made some claims. Some certain claims that some would argue ultimately led to my defeat. Do I regret guaranteeing a win over Matt? No. Do I regret begging the almighty rankers of our league to drop me to 10? No. 

But maybe it’s time to keep my mouth shut, sit back, and see if my luck turns around? Not today, I guarantee a victory over Nicky B this week, sucka.

Will Brown is a full time sports writer who is extremely upset that he never got to call Matt Smith, say “Hey Matt, do you know Owen?” … “0-1!” and hang up.

Will's Wednesday Week 1

Gather round, gather round, we have a whole season of smack-talk, stories, and wizardry ahead of us. Welcome to Will’s Wizard Wednesday, now you may think that since I am no longer the defending champ of this league I might tone it down, but you are sadly mistaken.

Let’s begin with some backstory: yes, it’s true that I wanted to appear unprepared to the draft by not dressing appropriately. Yes, it’s true that I am ranked number one in the preseason rankings (the ones that matter that is.) And yes, it’s true that I once again have the GOAT Randy “I don’t shine shoes i don’t tape ankles i don’t cut checks” Moss on my side once again. Sean thinks he’s clever with all his fancy numbers, but he himself doesn’t believe the ranking hype.

I obviously have the best team in the league as of week 1 and I sincerely hope everyone keeps dropping me in their rankings. Put me at 10, I’m begging you. Projected points? Pre-season points!? Yeah let’s make a ranking based on who has the most left handed players on their team, or who has the longest combined hair. A wise man once said “Imperials and their damned lists…”

I can’t wait for week one. Every year I get all worked up about how I have it locked and every year I lose by some ungodly upset and am forced to apologize in my week 2 blog. But not this year, I seriously have it locked guys. I have an easy matchup against Matt “the face” Smith in a game where I am superior in literally every position. I felt good about this win even before Wes Welker went Trinidad James on everyone’s asses. 

I, Will Brown guarantee a win against Hakka Flocka Flame this week.

Will Brown has recently brought his talents to Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles, CA and wants everyone to know “the storm is coming… Sean Brown 2015”

Will's (Wizard) Wednesday Week 12 - Trade Madness

      Good day readers, as I’m sure you guys know today is the trade deadline of the 2013 season, which means after today, you are stuck with your team and waivers. This probably won’t affect most of you because well, up until Monday night there were no trades all season in this league, and I can tell you why.

      First off there’s this weird gene that is somehow carried by every member of the Smith family, it makes it near impossible to trade with them because they either ignore you or make ridiculous offers. We don’t really understand why, but our top scientists are still researching. Secondly, Bobby B simply doesn’t believe in trading and has openly said, “I veto all trades.”  In other words, Robert is a complete isolationist who basically hates Capitalism. You heard it here first.

      Monday night turned the Captain’s League into a swap meet. A swap meet where there’s like one pathetically desperate old guy selling/trading all his gold for war bonds. That old man was, of course, Corey Hewett. Corey has quit this season and traded away all his good players for 2014 draft picks, refer to Nicks Power Rankings Week 12 for trade details. For those of you that don’t read Nick’s blog, I gave up a 9^th rounder for Steven Ridley, who most likely will not be starting due to his fumbling issues.

      This brings me to an important point, vetoing. Now many of you are probably looking at these trades and saying “wow, can Corey really do that?” and the answer is yes, it is in the constitution. However I have a case to present.

The case for vetoing Corey and Matts trade

Knowshon Moreno for a 5^th rounder

           

      Look, I’m no dictator trying to stop Matt from giving up this draft pick but this is why I want you all to veto this: IF this trade were to go through, Matt would clinch a playoff spot over me pretty easily. You see, Matt plays Corey, who will be rendered a useless owner and is basically an easy win, plus Matt will have this extra firepower on his team. I ask that you veto this trade simply because it would screw my season further, and I know you all are secretly rooting for the return of the King like a Lord of the Rings sequel.

      If you want to veto my trade with Corey, then feel free. I will not stop you either way. I was the one that made the trade and I’ll take a potential backup running back, or Corey can take a 3^rd string receiver or a defense next year.

      Yes, it’s true I play Dave this week, and yes its true that if I lose I will have to hang up the towel until next season’s draft. I have been talking smack all season about this week, and I can promise all of you a great game. Good luck Dave. I say that because the fantasy karma approach seemed to work very well against Nick. Speaking of which, who picked the Raiders over the Texans? I sure did, shouts out to Shaggy.

Will Brown is not a quitter and is the owner of Mosstradamus AKA “The Comeback Kids” AKA “The Dandy Randys” AKA “Justic for Tayvon” AKA “The Rashad Jennings 80 yard run(s?)” AKA “The Marshawn Lynch Mob” AKA “Kenny Stills why”

            

Will's (Wizard) Wednesday Week 11 - Apologies

Hello readers, I would like to start this week with an apology. I am very sorry for my lateness. I came down with a crippling cold yesterday and was unable to attend school, work, archery lessons, my full-contact chess competition, or write this blog.

This week I lost to Matt... Again.. And while this very well could mean the end of my season I'm not calling it quits quite yet, I just need a little luck, a little wizard magic, and a bit of positive fantasy football karma.

In order to gain said karma I would like to apologize to Corey for letting everyone know he cleaned bathrooms once. I would like to apologize to Bobby B for writing the scores of the league in last week's Wednesday paper (classifieds page 4). And last of all I would like to apologize to my good friend Dave, and wish him good luck in our upcoming matchup.

Let it be known, fantasy football gods! I, Will Brown, have wronged my rights and seek retribution in favor of Mosstradamus, may Tayvon Austin continue to go off, may Dez not stand around for 2 hours in his next game, and may Rob Housler, the wizard himself, who I picked up this week off waivers and am being forced to start, cast down a firestorm of receptions (s/o to Carson).

Let it also be known that I did not even mention the fact that two mediocre running backs put up like 40 points on me and a TE got 20 off one catch. I did not mention the fact that I definitely benched the Falcons D who got me -5. And I certainly will not bring up (or make fun of) anyone starting Big Ben Talent-less-burger.

I apologize for the short blog but those fat cats upstairs said if I missed one more I wouldn't get my Christmas bonus.

Will Brown is the 4-6 owner of the reigning Championship team, and is wondering why Cheryl is ignoring his trade proposals. Call me ;)

Will's (Wizard) Wednesday Week 10 - Smooth

      Folks, there is nothing I love more in the morning than to Get up and Goji over to Paradise Point to enjoy the Hawaiian Breeze on the Blue Lagoon. Ahh, nothing like a Sunny Day over at the Strawberry Beach. Some call me a Lean Machine, or a Health Nut, or a Muscle Blaster, but I am more of a Beach Bum if anything. Nothing quite like it, ahhh paradise… Peanut Paradise.

      

      You all were probably expecting a very angry blog after my recent defeat, one full of hatred, disgust, and shots at various peoples self respect and past employments. But I found this great place by my house, a retreat if you will, in times of sadness and victory. Tropical Smoothie Café,

      Nothing like that first sip of a delicious ice cold smoothie, chunks of ice still in there and all. I thought the best part of this place was the smoothies but let me tell you the bathrooms are pristine.

      They take the finest ingredients the Earth has to offer, mix them together in just the right proportions and hit blend until they're as smooth as, well, as their name implies. Available in everything from Low Fat to Simply Indulgent varieties. Smoothies from Tropical Smoothie Cafe make a great snack, meal or special treat. Go ahead, you deserve it. (And even if you don't, we won't tell.) It is a place open to winners and losers alike, you wont be scolded for having to pick up Marcel Reece and starting Donald Brown.

      I am taking Mr. Hewett’s advice this week and choosing to turn a new leaf, what leaf do you ask? Kale. Available in the delicious Island Green Spinach and Kale smoothie available with or without Splenda! Its good to see my favorite chain of restaurants striving and in no danger of being burnt to ground by any successful people.

      This week's Wizard is that girl that works the drive-thru on weekends that always asks me how my week was and makes cute comments on what I ordered like, “ah where’s your smoothie? You just got a wrap to come see me?” Like damn girl, shouts out for real.

Will Brown is a part time writer and a sell out and wanted you all to know that he highly recommends the new Chipotle Chicken Club available only at Tropical Smoothie Café for a limited time!

This blog was brought to you in part by…

Will's (Wizard) Wednesday Week Nine - Communism and Corey

      This week is gonna be a little different folks. In response to Mr. Hewett’s comment on calling our dear commish who is a very just, democratic man “Karl Mark:.”

…Where to begin?

      Karl MARX was born in Frier, Germany in 1818. The man’s social theories and constructs have been argued and condemned truly like no other in history. Before we get into his ideas, context must be laid as to what led him to believe what he did. Born between two revolution, he utilized the hatred for the excess of France to fuel support for his fundamental principles. It appears the impact of these revolutionary wars brought Marx towards the justification of established order in society.

      The main reason Marx is so important is because of the political philosophy that he developed, appropriately dubbed Marxism and commonly called Communism. Marx’s goal was to spiritually release mankind by freeing him of his social chains. Marx’s interests in economics started when he wrote two famous essays on the position of Eifel peasants and Moselle vinegrowers. He was also very interested by the labor movement, which the effects of were just becoming apparent. As talk about communist ideas first began to rise, Marx was reserved about his opinions. In spite of his reservations, Marx heavily researched the contemporary French literature on socialism and Communism, and in 1843 moved to Paris, the heart of the revolutionary movement. While in Paris, one of the most important events of his stay occurred, his meeting with Friedrich Engels. 

      “This was the beginning of a lifelong friendship and collaboration of the founders of scientific socialism.” (Leonhard 5)

      Basically Marx and Engels became a think tank duo for socialism and began creating organizations for their ideas. Their goal was to create a society in which the members were free of exploitation, oppression, and class struggles. Ultimate equality of opportunity and outcome was the goal, as opposed to the American idea of equal opportunity but completely unequal outcome. This eventually led to the publishing of Karl Marx’ most famous book “The Communist Manifesto” in which he outlined all these beliefs along with his sociological constructs. Social Conflict theory is one of these constructs; it states that society is basically broken up into the haves and have-nots. The have-nots (workers) are basically oppressed by the haves (bosses) and invokes a sense of rebellion against the haves, interest aye my fellow have-nots of this league?

      Interestingly, despite all the communist governments that have risen and fallen over the years, none of which Marx was alive to see, none of them have followed Marx’s ideal theories. The notable communist leaders that rose and fell Lenin, Stalin, and Mao Zedong, all actually did not listen to him in one way or another. Marx believed that a Communist takeover could only occur in peaceful transition because a classless society would need an economically sound base. There would need to be a peaceful transition, unfortunately none of the actual Communist leaders agreed. Stalin especially had it all wrong, he believed in oppressing the S**T out of his people making sure they didn’t act against his totalitarian dictatorship. In China, Mao Zedong attempted to transfer the ideas of Marx to Chinese conditions but he could not account for the requirement of a fiscally sound and economically advanced society, and he also failed.  

BUT WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

      Well folks this was not only a history lesson for Corey, who clearly spent way too much time deciding that drafting Alfred Morris was a good idea and not enough time studying for his social science classes. But I feel that this should also be a lesson to the entire league; maybe it is time for a peaceful transition in our league? Maybe if some trades don’t go through by the end of the year?

      Maybe a non-competing commissioner, to avoid any and all trade and rule biases, should govern us?  Maybe a man who has very little football experience should be elected, as to spice things up? Maybe we should elect a man who literally couldn’t catch water if you poured it into his hands while he was wearing his Arizona Cardinals gloves?

Rob Housler for Commish 2014

Will Brown is the author of Wills Wizard Wednesday and is actually a capitalist and lost to a woman in fantasy football once.

Will's (Wizard) Wednesday Week 8 - Knock you Out

“Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years… I’m gonna knock you out, Mama’s Homemade Salsa said knock you out.” – LL Cool J     

      What a crazy week folks. Sean and I had a very back-and-forth matchup that ended in my victory and extreme happiness in my first round draft pick. Thank you Marshawn Lynch for coming through in the clutch. Many of you have asked about my boy, David Wilson, ex-wizard and ex-starter and ex-guy with a healthy neck. The loss of David Wilson was tough; it felt like I lost a son. Just kidding, if I lost a son I would only have 4 fantasy points.

“Wow Will, too soon. Why do you have to be so vulgar?”

      I’m returning this column to its roots, back when I would take shots with cutting wit; no one is safe from Will’s Wizard Wednesday.

      Well, well, well, this week I have a matchup against none other than Melinda Brown herself, the one who rubbed the living of the dream in Corey’s face. I have to respect the power play, and the G-Wagon. I also have to respect the embarrassment that Corey laid down with Vincent Jackson.

“Yards, yards, yards…” – Corey Hewett (The Team)

[EDITOR”S NOTE: At this point in the column Will began to vulgarly insult Dave and gave and in-depth 354 word bout of smack talk regarding his current rank, it was removed for the final cut due to content]

      Speaking of breaking bones, how about Matt and Bobby b with the tie, going to the bench. Fortunately Bobbie’s bench is just as good as his starting lineup so he took the win over Matt. (SHOTS FIRED)

      This is a message for Matt: If he still keeps up to date on the blogs, I hear you need running backs and the answer is yes, Joseph Randle is on the wire. 8 points in his first game last week? I say the kid is coming on strong and I spy… I just looked at Matt’s team and there is nobody that I really want except for Brandon Marshall… Which would be a ridiculous trade offer, which Will Wednesday does not support. Sorry Matt.

Will Brown is the author and founder of Will’s Wizard Wednesday and finally has a winning record. Go figure.  

Will's (Wizard) Wednesday Week Five - Squashed Beef

      Well folks, it was an eventful week for Mosstradamus. I would like to start by saying that Corey was a respectable opponent who made some ballsy moves, which I respect. Starting Danny Woodhead? Rashad Jennings? Benching Roddy White? Gotta have love for the kid, shouts out to Dez Bryant for once again proving he was a better pick than Calvin this year. The real event this week was David Wilson FINALLY scoring a touchdown!!!!

      … He also got injured leaving me without a RB2 and unable to trade for one due to Corey and I’s bet. But don’t fret my friends, I am about to lay down the law… FIRM

      Let's talk about Sean and Dave’s matchup. This week proved that when the Saints have a real matchup, Dave would fail immensely. It also proved that Sean has no taste in fantasy football names, superstition has taken over his team unfortunately. ROSWELKER? COME ON!!! (Editor's Note: That name is gold).

      I know you were all expecting another column that basically ripped Corey apart in 500 words but I feel that our beef is put on hold until playoff time, when I claim the title Chip Buckerman once and for all. I’ve already mentioned that I respect the man, and I look forward to hear about his outcries of 0-5ness in his column tomorrow.

      Let's talk about Bobby B. I’m playing the insane clown posse this weekend and unfortunately I think he will learn his lesson and bench injured/backup players. Last time I beat this guy was a close matchup that lead to me winning the championship. Do you guys remember that? I sure do.

      All I have to say to Bobby B is, can you smell it?

Will Brown is the owner of the Corey Hewett-beating team Mosstradamus and would like you to know he does not shine shoes, he does not tape ankles, and he does not cut checks. Straight cash homie.

SPECIAL EDITION: Will's Wednesday - "The Rebuttal"

      Sorry everybody I understand it is Thursday but I need to set a few things straight. Firstly, Corey has been quoted saying that he doesn’t think of his own jokes but he steals the best ones from movies. This is the man attempting to claim superior creativity to I, Will Brown.

      Lets address the same issues that Corey did only bring them all to light

Fallacy 1: “Matt is not majoring in business. He is majoring in marketing/advertising. He is in UNLV college of business.”

      Wow, Corey, way to beat an Alfred Morris (dead horse.) This is a debate that was previously discussed various times at league meetings and even right here on the blog. I understand that at the time I was on a roll and made a mistake regarding the college education of my esteemed acquaintance, Matthew Smith.  I admit I am not perfect, and I understand you are. Then again if you were perfect you would have won a game by now and there would be no special editions of Will Wednesday…

Fallacy 2: “When you negotiate, there is a thing called lowballing: offer a deceptively or unrealistically low estimate, bid, etc.”

      Ah yes, lowballing. Thank you once again Corey but I understand the art of lowballing, Mr. Accountant. I hope you have time to read this before your test on Chapter 5 “Income Management and Profitability Analysis.” I am a man of honor and respect, (self-respect as you know) and when somebody lowballs me as much as a Rob Housler offer? I have to say something. Don’t even try to act like you wouldn’t have a similar reaction to me had you been in my shoes, but you’re far too caught up in turning the entire league against me. Look Corey, that happened week one, stop dawning on the past back when your team was ranked decently, for all of us.

Fallacy 3: “There is a difference between quitting and realizing when this season is just not your season.”

      Corey, I understand where you are coming from, but this is not a keeper league… yet. Trading for draft picks will ultimately screw anyone over big time next year and make your team ridiculously stacked. I’m not going to request that you are not allowed to blatantly quit this year in preparation for next year, because I still know that you could probably find a way to have a terrible team with multiple picks in the first five rounds. But all I am saying is yes, you would definitely be quitting, giving up, and accepting defeat/mediocrity this year for a chance next year. I have not seen you make any big trades in attempts to better your team, why try to bash mine? For Jesus once said, “before you make fun of someone else’s fantasy football team examine how sad and pathetic yours is” (Before you point out the spec in your friends eye first examine the splinter in your own, but it applies.)

      Ahh! My favorite part of this column is the Carmelo Anthony comments, telling me I don’t understand the game of basketball etc etc. I think you are absolutely right Corey, in sports it is NOT about how many time you get the ball, it is about what you do with the ball. Which is exactly why Randy Moss is a better Wide Receiver than Terrell Owens (an argument that me and Corey have had for years for those just tuning in.) Terrell Owens had a hundred more receptions than Randy Moss and played more games than him, yet Randy has more touchdowns and receptions for 20+ yards? Interesting. Not to mention Terrell had three hall of fame quarterbacks passing to him, Steve Young, Tony Romo, and Donovan Mcnabb for a combined 8 years. On the other hand Randy had three measley years of Tom Brady passing him the ball. Not to mention the TO show was absolutely terrible but Randy Moss saying he plays football for FOX is hilarious and he’ll be there for much longer.

      I accept your challenge Corey, If I make playoffs I recieve 100% of Chip Buckerman and you may never again utter the name, however if I do not you will receive my 50% back and I shall never utter such a name

**If I trade for a Running Back the bet is void

**If I pick up a Running Back on waivers the bet is not void

      I understand you are trying to teach me a lesson here, but I don’t need to be taught fantasy football by a guy who is 0-4 and who’s only threat has a bye week against me. Please keep telling me how I know nothing about basketball because I think that Kobe Bryant, five time NBA champion, MVP, Lakers all time leading scorer, 15^th all time in steals, 38^th all time in assists, and the youngest player to: win a championship, win rookie of the year, start an NBA game, and make the all star team, is a good basketball player.

Love,

Will

Will Brown recently joined the Mock Trial team and would like everyone to know that he is still the champion of this league and should be treated with some level of respect.

Will's (Wizard) Wednesday Week Five - I'm Back

      Well folks, it’s good to be back. I took a little retreat to go reflect and meditate on my team after losing to the probated Curtis Smith. I learned a lot about life, fantasy football, and the process of making concrete. Using this newfound knowledge I put together a fresh lineup for my team and what do you know? I beat the so-called unstoppable Kaep-Happy force. It was good to see that receiving core I invested so much into put up almost 70 points between Dez, Demarius, Randy, Hakeem, and Tony. Making the receiving core of Mosstradamus the WIZARDS of the week, congrats my magical wide outs you earned it.

      But I will not dawn of this past victory too much, for I am looking onto future victories. One win in particular that I thirst for, against Mr Versace himself, Corey Hewett. Rumors around the league suggest that Corey is doing exactly what he said he’d never do. Quit.

      Corey preaches to keep through adversity in his columns yet is considering trading all his valuable players for next years draft picks? I find this highly contradictory, and plan to unleash a mossy plague unto his team this upcoming week. But before I smack talk too much, I would like to propose a bet to Mr. Hewett…

      Okay Corey, I’ll cut to the chase, if I win I get to rename your blog to “Corey’s Championshipless corner” for the rest of the season, but if you win you may rename my blog to whatever you want for the rest of the season. That’s right, anything from extreme profanity, to “Will sucks” to “Will’s winless Wednesday.” If you choose to accept or have a counter offer I would love to read about it in your blog.

      In other news, Dave Smith is ranked number one in our league currently. That’s right folks, he guy who has the entire saints lineup and Darren Mcfadden on his team, is leading the league. I gotta have respect for the guy for the time being, but I am itching in excitement to see how many points this guy puts up when the saints have a bye, or play a decent team for that matter. Enjoy it Dave, but when week 12 comes around and we play, oh boy.

      Finally, To Sean, I hope you had an OUT OF THIS WORLD birthday. But I advise you to change your team name and accept that MJD was not a good pickup. This brings me to a new segment called “New name suggestions” and Sean will be this week’s victim. Here are a few names I think your team should have.

• -          WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSLER
•       Alien Peterson
• -          Hartley’s Comet
• -          InstaGraham
• -          Team AsteROIDS
• -          LaMARS Miller
• -          Roswelker

      I hope you take these fantastic names into consideration to let everyone know what a great time you are having over in Roswell. Consider these suggestions my birthday gift to you Sean. Cherish them.

Will Brown looks forward to playing Corey Hewett this week in a vicious matchup that will curse the losers blog to a season of embarrassment, and would like to inform the league that Corey has gained one follower in his five days of being on twitter. 

Will's (Wizard) Wednesday Week 4 - Will, Where Are You?

Will has not been seen since Monday Night. He seems to have disappeared in shame.

Will's (Wizard) Wednesday Week 3 - Sweet Victory

      This weekend, I was at work on the golf course as I usually am, when I decided to go up to the restaurant and get something to eat. I ordered the club burrito, with SALSA on the side.

           

      Yes, it’s true, I did beat Mr Commish himself, the undefeated, Nick Brown. Thankfully, Marshawn and Dez started playing football this week while David Wilson is still sitting cozy at one point. I want to talk to this guy, just have a one-on-one conversation with him and try to figure out how you play an entire game as a starter and only get one fantasy point. I understand the man is on a passing team but they scored 23 points and the man couldn’t get more than 20 yards in the entire game. Just think about that: You have played two weeks and around two hours of live, professional football and have a total of -2 fantasy points, please ex-wizard Wilson… Step up boy.

      In other news, everyone’s favorite fantasy football laughing stock has moved to 2-0, shocking the league (and me) with a win over Melinda Brown. Dave, you may have won two games in a row, but I see this as a good thing. You are using up all your luck now and you won’t have it when it counts around playoffs. You all may recall my unlucky start to the season last year, which resulted in the two most beautiful victories in your wildest fantasy fantasies. That is why the belt is still mine Dave, and will never, ever, ever, ever, ever be yours.

      Rumor has it that Melinda Brown is disputing against the supreme court of the league stating that she didn’t know that the constitution (which she blindly signed) stated that ties are settled based on bench points. Melinda Brown, who almost went to law school, is trying to dispute the fact that she signed a document without reading it. The woman has commitment the likes of which this league has never seen.

      I know you are all seeking this week’s wizard and at this point have skimmed the article to find out who was chosen. I would like to step away from fantasy football this week to announce none other than Saul Canelo Alvarez as the Wizard of the week. Let me tell you folks, Corey Hewett is notorious for his talent in picking fight winners. We all remember back when he loved Brock Lesnar despite his countless losses towards the end of his career, probably caused by Corey’s fandom. Corey also chose Frank Carillo among others to beat DIESEL Joe Riggs in Bellator fightmaster, Carillo was unable to even enter the ring, while knees to the head and other products of the veteran DIESEL crushed all others. Recently Corey has chosen Allistair Overeem (Women) over (my boy) Travis Browne, and lets just say they don’t call Travis the comeback kid for nothing. I was 100% certain from all these observations I have made that Canelo was going to be dominated by Floyd “I like em cuz they red” Mayweather, who had no problem in once again leaving Corey without a winning fighter, without money, and without self respect.

Will Brown is a habitual winner and can almost ride a skateboard and would like to silence all the rumors of Corey offering him conditional draft picks, that would be too funny. And sad.

Will's (Wizard) Wednesday Week 2 - Three Picks, Three Points

      Ladies and gentlemen it is the most wonderful time of the year, the time where we discover who has a solid team, who flopped, and who got extremely lucky. This week on Will's (Wizard) Wednesday we will discuss all of the above and more, but first, I would like to talk about my own team.

      Imagine my excitement, the very first game of the season when the entire Broncos receiving corps went off, I happened to own Denarius Thomas who raked in a whopping 35 points! But that was my peak unfortunately, as it all went down from there…

      Remember the draft? When my first picks were Marshawn Lynch, Dez Bryant, and David Wilson? Those three combined brought in a total of 3 points. The top three players on my team brought in 4, 2, and -3 points, respectively. David Wilson managed to play an entire professional football game as a starting running back and get negative points, the man is a fumbling machine and has earned the title: Wizard of the week. Hats off to you David, big, floppy, pointy, blue hats.

      The rumors are true folks, I lost to fantasy rookie (and probation veteran) Matt Smith, a man who drafted none other than Ryan Mathews last year when he had a career-threatening injury, a man who wrote on his first round draft card “Aaron Foster,” a man who is majoring in Business at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas.  Do I take this loss lightly? Absolutely not. It is one of my darkest defeats; I could only be more ashamed of a loss if I were to lose to none other than… Dave Smith.

      Now I know he’s reading this expecting some humbling column after his utter bashing last week. You must be new to Will Wednesday if that is what you expect. Dave Smith simply had an extremely lucky week, while his opponent had the opposite, it should not change the man’s power rankings nor does it prove that he drafted well. The man’s smartest pick of the draft was Anquan Boldin and he put him on the bench… If I ever lose to Dave Smith in fantasy football please take my Championship belts from me and burn them along with printed copies of all my columns.

      In other news around the league, Nick Brown made an incredible comeback against Sean Brown (But don’t call it a comeback, the man has been here for years.) And to nobody's surprise Melinda Brown absolutely crushed ex-semi-good fantasy football player Robert Brown bringing the hammer and the axe down proclaiming “TIMBEERRR” as Robert collapsed in defeat. Not only did Robert fall like a tree, he fell in the power rankings, to tenth? Worse than Dave? I think not, but that’s Nick’s column, not mine.

**Will is currently discussing trades with Corey Hewett and promised to not mention his defeat this week**

Will Brown is a passionate bear enthusiast and the author of this column and is wondering if anyone is interested the purchase of a 1988 Corvette [CLEAN]

Will's (Wizard) Wednesday Week 1 - WHO IS ROB HOUSLER?!

GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS!!! GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS!?

If you answered “hump day” to either of those questions please remove yourself from my column immediately.

Welcome to Will’s (Wizard) Wednesday.

      Will’s Wednesday is a love story, a tragedy, and a comedy all tied together to the greatest standard league in all the land, The Captains League. Here we will discuss smart moves, bonehead moves, and mostly criticize those of lesser fantasy intelligence with sharp wit and cutting insults. Before I begin let it be known there will be no wizards in this column.

      As you all may know there is a rumor spreading about the league that Sean “Shaggy” Brown, owner of top projected team “What Would Jones Drew” and resident of Roswell, New Mexico has been seeking new running backs but is “too cheap to make reasonable trades” as stated by our own Nicky B in this weeks power rankings. I am here to tell you that these allegations brought against Sean are 100% factual as I am a first hand witness of such ridiculous acts.

      So there I was, lying in my bed wishing each of the players on my team goodnight with my ESPN Fantasy App open (as I do every night.) But as I was finishing up with a “Goodnight, Randy ‘GOAT’ Moss, sleep tight my sweet prince, you’re still #84 in my heart…” I received a very rude interruption, a text message from a Mr. Sean Brown, resident of Roswell, New Mexico. I opened this text only to see he had piqued an interest in my number two running back, a certain David Wilson, the starting running back for the New York Giants and quite the sleeper if I do say so myself. 

      So me, being the avid free-trade enthusiast I am, took a moment to let him make an offer for my prized, number two running back whose value has significantly increased due to his teammates injuries. To my utter awe this man has the audacity to offer me two of the most disgusting fantasy players I have ever seen firstly, Cordarelle Patterson, WR for the Minnesota Vikings who is fighting (and losing) for the number 3 or 4 wide receiver position. 

      The second player he offered me was none other than Rob Housler the QUESTIONABLE tight end for the Arizona Cardinals. Upon receiving this offer I merely replied “I’m sorry this line is for serious business inquiries only” and proceeded to get out of bed to vomit and laugh at the same time. This poses many questions, the first of which being "WHO IS ROB HOUSLER?" The second being "DOESN’T SEAN HAVE ANY SELF RESPECT?" And the third being "WHO IS ROB HOUSLER?" The moral of the story is when Sean Brown, or any resident of Roswell, New Mexico shows interest in one of your players, be careful because before you know it you could be trading a potential top fifteen running back for a number four receiver and an injured tight end who got all of 400 yards receiving and zero touchdowns last year. Rob Housler, you are the wizard of the week.

      In other news Dave Smith, owner of “Rank This,” a really desperately clever name he chose after being ranked dead last, is still ranked dead last. But the reason I wanted to mention Dave was his first round pick… sigh… Darren Sproles. Now, I would like to start by saying two things, first, this is a free league. You can pick whoever you would like, any round you like we will not stop you. And second, I personally like Darren Sproles. Do I like Darren Sproles enough to take him when top running backs such as Jamaal Charles and LeSean McCoy are on the board? Absolutely not, but I do like Darren Sproles, in fact I like him so much that I drafted him in my other league. Yes, I was drafting in a ten team league, (much like our own) filled with knowledgeable, experienced fantasy players (unlike our own) such as myself and I was able to take Sir Darren Sproles with the 50^th overall pick. That’s right Dave, good pick, but you make have taken him over 40 picks in advance, that’s a BIT of a reach if you ask me.

Will Brown was the champion of the 2012 League with his stacked team “Come on Benjals” and is currently the owner of the 2013 championship team “Mosstradamus” AND is still the REIGNING, DEFENDING, CAPTAINS LEAGUE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD…. IIIIIIIITTTTS TIIIIIIIIIIIMMMEE