All scores are unofficial and were gathered at 1:55 AM Eastern Time on September 10, 2013.
1.) Cobra Commanders (LW #5) 129 PPG
Uh-Uh, Honey.
In the classic 2011 Romantic Comedy, Crazy, Stupid, Love, Steve Carell's character Cal Weaver states that the word "cuckold" is not used enough in American culture. Well, we got the definition of "cuckolding" this weekend, as Mama B disgraced the Nancies known as the Insane Clown Posse. Starting the week off by dropping 53 points with her new man "Pey Pey," the Commanders never let up in this decisive victory.
After coming in at 5th last week, I said that this team had a top-3 upside, and they surpassed that this week by nabbing the top spot. I don't see Peyton letting up this week against his brother, either, as the Commanders face off against Rank This (who I dare not to speak of).
The biggest concern for this team is, well, the lack of scoring, actually. Only 4 players put up more than 10 points despite a huge showing overall. I chock it up as a fluke, and if the rest of this team steps in, it may be awhile before Lindy loses her lattes.
2.) Kaep Happy (LW #7) 158 PPG
Did you see that number? Not the rank, but the score?!?! Who opens the season with 156 points?! SEVEN of Cheryl's TEN starters were over 10 points. So, why wasn't she number one?
Well, there was still a lot of luck involved. Where Melinda's team dominated despite an overall shaky performance, Cheryl boasted THREE players with over 30 points. This team exploded. Granted, she has a phenomenal team on paper.
It'll be interesting to see if Kaep Happy can continue it's blitzkrieg this week against the apparently not-so Broken Clavicles (Vegas sees an 11 point victory). And who knows, if the scoring continues, I can see a new top-ranked squad next week.
3.) Mama's Homemade Salsa (LW #6) 129 PPG
It was under a light, amarillo sky in Roswell that Sean Brown sat down for dinner within the iconic walls of Los Pollos Hermanos. He ordered the usual and sat down at the cold, freshly cleaned table in the corner. He unwrapped his Chipotle Chicken Burrito before grabbing his droid and, with a hint of paranoia, sent a text.
"I'm not kicking your ass. I'm still sweating. Anything can happen."
The sweat draped his pale brow as he took a bite, they free range of sky beyond the cold windows turning a bloody shade of red. "Too mild," Sean thought as he reached for a bottle in the corner. His eyes wandered to his phone as he unscrewed the cap, checking his 44-point lead over his brother with just 2 of his players left to play.
Sean feigned a smile, finding the belief within himself that he would pull of the win as he took a bite of his favorite burrito. And that was when the fire hit.
TOO MUCH SALSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
Mama packed in a delayed spice this week in the darker hours of Sunday Night, and now this team built off potential has found it's way in the top three. With 6 players over 10, it seemed like an average week despite a goose egg from alleged sleeper TE Zach Sudefeld. This team still has potential to rise, especially with a win over defending champion Will Brown and his wounded Mosstradamus squad.
4.) What Would Jones Drew? (LW #1) 109 PPG
Despite the loss, this is a damn good team. Outscoring every other losing team with a goose egg of his own, Sean Brown has nothing to sulk about.
Favored by only 8 against a team that was terrorized by a team of which I do not speak, expect a HUGE trouncing. The sun has far from set on this team, which I still see as a playoff seed. Especially considering the fact that this team relied on a Kicker, HB, and WR and leaving a big game from Shane Vereen on the bench.
I'm a little concerned with the HB3 situation as Vereen gets hurt and Lamar Miller has a weak showing, but the overall squad is strong enough to compensate.
5.) VERSACE VERSACE (LW #2) 100 PPG
A tough draw week one as Corey Hewett faces the highest scorer. And, while his 100 point total would not have beat any team with a win this past week, I see lots of promise in the Medusa-Head scary VERSACE VERSACE.
I would not worry if I was the owner of this team, especially with a matchup against the disappointing Insane Clown Posse this weekend. Corey expected to fall, but he remains in the top 5 as I see extreme promise the rest of the season.
6.) Rank This (LW #10) 129 PPG
Fine, Dave. But this is all you get.
You had an easy week one matchup. Everyone on your team went off. Your bench outscored every other bench.
And you still tied 2 other teams despite the huge week. This is lucky. I don't care if Vegas has you as a 4 point favorite against the top-ranked Commanders, you're not a top-5 team yet.
Oh, and if you win? Don't get too excited.
You have the weight of the world gunning for you now.
7.) Mosstradamus (LW #3) 97 PPG
This was the toughest call for me. William Brown, last year's champion, started this year off the same way he did last year. By losing by 16 after I predicted a 20 point win, Will is far from sweating.
Other than a strong game by Demaryius Thomas and a LATE surge by RGIII, this team was pretty awful. It was so bad, in fact, that I can't see it happening again. Will can never be kept out of the playoff picture no matter how bleak the situation. And losing to the Broken Clavicles is a pretty bleak situation.
Even with a tough matchup this week against Mama's Homemade Salsa this week, I can still see another insane comeback into League prominense. Don't sleep on these guys.
8.) Broken Clavicles (LW #9) 113 PPG
Almost ranked Matt at 7 this week until I looked at his team. SEVEN starters put up 10 or more points and yet he STILL scored fewer points than any other victor. This was a lucky game for the Clavicles despite the win. They earned a rankings increase, but not by much.
And, with a tough matchup against his own mother this week, I see Matt falling back to 9 next week unless he makes some big moves or proves me wrong.
9.) Probation (LW #4) 98 PPG
Curtis, read this closely.
What's going on, buddy? I had your back this year! I said you had debatably the best draft this year and this is what happens? I stuck my neck out for you!
What's that? You had a rough week? YOU GOT BEAT BY 30 POINTS TO A TEAM SO BAD THAT THEY ARE NAMED AFTER HOW BAD THEY'RE RANKED.
Thanks for breaking my heart, and good luck against a vengeful Sean. We all remember '02, and how well that matchup worked last time for you.
10.) Insane Clown Posse (LW #8) 87 PPG
This is how far you've fallen.
That's Felix Baumgartner. He skydived from space. F***ing SPACE. THAT'S ONE HUNDRED TWENTY SEVEN THOUSAND FEET. You have one hundred twenty seven thousand brutal, metaphorical feet down these rankings.
Do you enjoy this? Is it fun for you to put up the fewest points in our league and take the spot of a man who named his team after the fact that he is supposed to be in dead last?
Look Dad, I love you. I really do, and you taught me pretty much everything I know about the game of football. And your team isn't that bad. Sure, I've been harsh, but my job is to critique. You know that, right? I mean, I think you still have a shot here, and that things just haven't fallen your way thus far. I just...I feel bad. You lost to Mom and now I feel bad.
I was going to use "Free Falling" to describe your situation, but then Tom Petty would be insulted and I just couldn't do that to him.
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