Corey's Corner - riVals: Part Dos.2

What up kids?

Hope everyone is having a great weekend so far. If you aren't well you should have tuned in to Wills dj set. The guy killed it and was spinning the hits all night long.

He dropped "all night long" by Lionel Richie and gave a shout out to Floyd Mayweather at the same time.

He is easily one of the best DJ's of all time.

If you don't believe me, here are some quotes from some famous people on Williams set.

"I liked that he played music" - Morgan Freeman

"Best of all time" - 2 CHAINZ

"It blew my mind" - Ulysses S. Grant

"He brought a real passion that I haven't heard in a while" - Corey Hewett

So as you can see my boy did a fantastic job and make sure to tune in next week from 8-10 PM

Alright readers let's get in to the next 2 biggest rivalries.

This league member is pretty new to our league and already has quite a presence in our league.

That member is......Cheryl Smith.

She talks a lot of trash and seems to have a lot of enemies.

Matt has told Nick and I that she calls us punk (expletive) behind our back.

She clearly has an aggression problem which leads her to developing a lot of enemies in this league.

But when it comes to her biggest rival well we have to go back in time to fully understand how much these two hate each other.

November, 1979

Cheryl approaches a young man and asks "hey can I borrow a pencil"

The man replies "only if you beat me in fantasy football"

That man as you all may have guessed is William Brown.

Yes, the famous dj chippy B is Cheryl's arch rival.

Why you ask?

Well these two just don't like each other.

Cheryl hates the fact that William always has perfect hair.

William hates the fact that Cheryl doesn't like the artist known as seal.

How could you not like kiss from a rose?

It's a classic Cheryl. Wake up.

I digress.

Sooo as you can see these two just hate each other and it leads to some very interesting games.

Next time these two square off tune in for.........Curtis Likes Me More Bowl

The next rivalry is between Corey and Dave.

I just have a tiny problem with Dave.

I think he raised Curtis to be a model citizen and used Matt kind of as a dummy to see what works and what doesn't. No problem.

I think he treats his wife with respect and he seems to always make her happy. No problem.

He has a cool house and once hosted a hamburger night which I received a scrumptious hamburger for dinner. No problem.

My problem with this man is the fact that he only plays when people talk trash about him.

I don't get it.

You are showing your sons a wrong way to act.

You need to have some self respect.

I am not going to go in depth about this because I told myself I will not talk trash about Dave.

I'll just say one thing.

I am coming for you Dave.

Sleep tight my prince.

See you next time in.....Rampage Jackson's "I want my belt back" classic.

Corey Hewett- just works. He would like you all to know that CG said the B word and is influencing Nick to say bad words as well.

Lindy's Latte - Week 4

Have you seen the movie, “Night of The Living Dead?” Yes, sometimes the fallen rise. I’m obliged to give a huge shout out to Bobby B for stepping away from the edge of the cliff, dusting himself off and making it mean something to be a Brown again. Not just because he beat Dave, 2013 champion, but because even after losing his number one draft pick and Arian Foster—facing a seemingly unsurmountable point differential, he earned every point of his victory.   

And then there was Sean’s loss. No, I’m not sorry I won, but I admit to wanting to weep as he joined the Walking Dead after making a few hasty errors in choosing his starting lineup. I admit, he would have spanked the Cobra Commanders if only he’d thought things through. But he didn’t and I won. Yay.

Speaking of spankings, both Cheryl and Will deserve gold-plated paddles this week. I especially enjoyed the Randy Moss move. Does he even have a helmet anymore? Pads? I don’t mean Depends, either.

This week will weed out the lucky from the skilled. On to my rankings and projections.

Luck Has It, surprisingly is ranked number one with 442 points! Sorry Nick. I hope you get some good breakfast food in Tacoma. I can recommend some good greasy spoons. Don’t know of any good Irish Coffee pubs there though. This week Cheryl and Will face off for the battle of the golden paddles. Randy Savages has moved up to fourth place with 369 points. By pure projected points averaged by their differential alone, I’d put Cheryl to win this one. But I know Will has a few Savage moves in his pocket so I’m not too sure.

#Free Josh Gordan is now ranked number 2 with 412 points. He’s got an overdeveloped team for sure, but luck was not with him last week. I can’t imagine why he’d ridicule his mother for providing delicious breakfast foods, but apparently he couldn’t find much to else to criticize. Pey-Pey was off form last week and I still won. Unfortunately he’s up agains I Do Like To Play Accounting this week. Corey’s been struggling keeping up with his Fantasy Football team while being a super star at Price Waterhouse. But I think this might be his week. Ranked number 9 with 316 points, he’s  due for a win. My numerical projections give him 65 points to Nick’s 85 but we’ll see.

Sorry Cheryl, but I think the Luck is with Cobra Commanders this week. Ranked third with 389 points we’re playing without Pey-Pey and half of our team this week. But how fortunate to be playing Tenth ranked Staff Infection with a mere 288 points. At last look Curt hadn’t pulled in replacements for his Bye-week players. I hope you’re studying, Curt. Or maybe you thought we went to one of those “pick the loser” formats this year. We miss you.

Another Smith Family duel will have us on the edge of our seats this week. Hocka Flocka Flame, ranked Fifth with 361 points faces a surprisingly Eighth ranked Rank This with 329 points. The numbers have it close and I agree. But something tells me one of these guys will run off with a crazy, unprecedented win. Who will it be? Cheryl, are you serving filet mignon again? Maybe just one for the winner!

Bets are on if there will be anymore Irish Whiskey Birthday cake left by Sunday. But we’ll have some Irish Coffees with breakfast during the Raider game. God knows we’ll need it to digest that. And we’ll have these lovely snacks during the afternoon games.

Cheers!

Lindy (Melinda) Brown is a pseudo-professional golfer and frequent contributor to the Pillsbury Bake Off contest.

Corey's Corner - riVals: Part Dos

How do you look yourself in the mirror?

Honestly, how?

Do you all just take a quick glance to avoid looking at the true you?

Your true and disturbing self.

Not one of you sent Matt a message encouraging him to write.

You all should be ashamed of yourself.

Just disgusting.

I'm out here pumping out 5000 words a week for everyone's entertainment and you couldn't do me one favor by sending a 5 second text to one of the most loved league members.

Just disgusting.

Come on, mannnnn

Anyways readers, let's move on.

This week I am going to talk about everyone's true rivals. The person that brings you the most competition and really brings the devil out of you.

I am going to make this a 3 part series. Today I will unveil 2 matchups, Saturday I will release two more and then Sunday I will talk about the most passionate rivalary in the league.

I am sorry you all have to suffer from these horrible writers who know nothing about deadlines and keeping promises, to make it up I hope these 3 seperate peices will bring you back next week. I really truly am sorry and can only hope that my above and beyond mentality will keep us alive. This is why I was voted 2013-2014 best blog of the year, 2013 most inspirational writer, 2013 most viewed blog writer and 2013 Mr. July in our captains league calendar. 

Enjoy readers.

Let's start off first with Curtis Smith. Curtis is easily the biggest dark horse of this league. You truly have no idea what this man is thinking or doing. He has been in school for 10 plus years and still has no idea when or how to capitalize someone's name. He is just mysterious like that, like honestly what did you do in school for those 10 plus years?

I digress.

My man Curtis has quietly been in contention each and every year. He doesn't talk much trash and he doesn't really put up these gaudy numbers. He just constantly shows up right around playoff time and says "I guess I'll go to the playoffs and try to win a trophy so my dad will finally notice me".

The man is the definition of a dark horse.

He is respected but yet not feared.

He just waits in the shadows ready to strike.

But one member of our league always seems to has the solution for this dark horse.

That member is Melinda "itssssssssssss me" Brown.

Last year, these two slugged it out in two fantastic regular season match-ups. In the first game Melinda took the win by 3 points. If my memory serves me right, she won due to a stat correction and to this day Curtis still thinks Nick altered the stats.

Later on in the season these two meet up once again with this time Curtis taking the win and sending Melinda into depression.

It has been said that during her week 1 match in the playoffs up against Dave that she just wasn't herself. 

Did Curtis cause her collapse? I THINK SO

tune in this week as these two square off in..............CM's Money in the Bank Match

The next rivalary is a good one laddies, Matt smith vs Robert Brown. 2 years ago when the league was first born we started out as the elite 8. In this league Matt got off to a blistering start going 4-1 in his first 5 games.

Well then Matt meet his arch rival, Robert. In week 6, robert destroyed the young man with the final score of 80 bobby b,-50 Matty Ice. After the massacre which is still today called the bloody shin, Matt went on a downward spiral. He finished the rest of the season with just 1 win. The worst part about this all was that towards the end of the season Matt still had a shot at making the playoffs but lost it because Robert struck once again with a week 13 obliteration. He caused Matt to suffer and when Matt had just a little bit of life left in him, Robert squished his dreams like a cockroach.

Moving on to the inagural year of the captains league, Robert and Matt faced of only once in the regular season with one of the games of the year. The score ended 100-100 and was settled in a tie of who had the most bench points. Once again Robert took this one and left Matt in the dumps.

Matt has almost beaten everyone in this league but Robert has the 3-0 lead adavantage on him.

Can Matt finally get some respect from Robert or will he continue to be dominated just like in the past?

I guess we will find out week 7 when hakka flocka flame goes against 53 fire in one of the most intense rivalaries.

Tune in for..........The Heavyweights Honor.

Tune in Saturday for the next two rivals.

Corey Hewett- does thing for a certain company. He would like you all to know that if he could go back in time he would chose any one of the times he went to the captains league only to find nothing new written. Your day worked for a newspaper for forever, he knows everything about deadlines, come on MAN.

Will's Wednesday - Week 4

WE’RE BACK! Yes, welcome back to Will Wednesday’s and welcome Will back to fantasy football. 122 points? Yeah, we made it. She said she working at Walgreens; but not at the store, at the head office. 

You know, I read quite a bit last week but the thing that stood out the most to me was Corey’s Corner. All he talked about was this no-flex zone and deadlines…

SEAN BROWN 2015 SEAN PROMISES TO BE AS LENIENT WITH TRADES AS HE IS WITH HIS BLOG DEADLINE SEAN BROWN 2015

Now the deadline issue doesn’t concern me as I have self respect but I thought long and hard about how my actions have affected my performance so far this season, and I realized that I just need to flex even harder… I wanted to start Desean Jackson (who put up 24 points) or maybe Cecil Shorts (9 points, his first game back) but I thought “Wait a second, I already guaranteed this win so I’m gonna win no matter what, better send him in…” So I put in the GOAT one clap wonder Randy Moss. Sure, he got me 0 points but I needed to bench some people to keep them fresh for next week!

This week I’m going up against Cheryl and despite her being favored in the projections (which are always 100% right) she’s starting an Oakland Raider WR and still hasn’t picked up a defense. And her empty bench spot leads me to believe to tried to pick up the Chargers D, who I got. FOOL CHERYL, I CONTROL THE WAIVER WIRES, I AM FREE AGENCY. Clocks ticking, have fun getting the Dolphins D.

Regardless, I’ll keep it short and guarantee a win against “Luck has it” this week.

Will Brown is, despite contrary belief, not the owner a house nor a condo in Miami, and he would like to know what you would do for a grammy? Head Office.

Nick's Power Ranking - Week 4

All right, people. As we head into these rankings, it looks like people are starting to settle into their spots. Fewer moves were made this week, which means that I need to point out that the rankings are determined by NPRP. There is no bias, even if it appears as though there is. Enjoy:

1. (LW #1) #FreeJoshGordon, 2-1 [109 PPG, .197 NPRP]

This might very well be a fluke, but the numbers are in my favor.

After an excruciating weekend, Based Gordon’s top position remained unwaivered purely due to a huge output of point in weeks one and two. In fact, Nicky B and the Sunshine Band are a resounding 21 points ahead of our 2^nd ranked team in Points per game.

So how does this team remain on the winning side for the rest of the season? Well, Aaron Rodgers will need to begin to put up points, as well as famed WR Megatron, who were both limited to 10 and 8 points respectively this past weekend.

The kid also needs some reliable numbers from some running back…ANY running back. Only 10 points total were scored by that position this week.

Still, for perhaps the ugliest performance this team will see, 84 points isn’t too bad.

And so begs the question: Will this team bounce back this week? Or will it fall once again?

2. (LW #2) Hakka Flocka Flame, 3-0 [88.3 PPG, .192 NPRP]

What did Matt get this week?

Even at the peak of his fantasy career, Matt can’t reach the top of the Power Rankings.

Not that it’s through any lack of effort, though. After a commanding victory in the Battle of Buffalo, Matt solidified his place as King of the Condo for the time being as he handed Corey his second straight loss.

So what has led to Matt’s team’s undefeated start? Has it been a weak schedule? Has it been the unnecessarily high protein intake? Or has it been Matt’s channeling of Arnold Schwarzenegger? 

Any one thing could contribute to Matt’s success, but the fact of the matter is that that one thing cannot be points. After a massive week, Matt still didn’t surpass 100, which is astounding for someone with a 3-0 record.

Matt’s luck doesn’t look to change this week, as he takes on the ever-declining Dave. But Vegas sees something different: They have Dave cruising by 31 points.

3. (LW #3) Cobra Commanders, 2-1 [102. 67 PPG, .186 NPRP]

There’s not really much to say about Melinda’s team. It continually hangs around in 3^rd place waiting to make a climb.

Blah blah blah..Breakfat food and Peyton Manning.

Yes, Melinda put a bit of a whooping on a Kessel Runners squad that had an off week. Yes, she faces an awful team again this week that she should wi-

Wait…Peyton Manning’s out. That means that Melinda might not have a team to play this week. For the first time in a whole season, one team has an overwhelming chance of beating Melinda. And that time is…Curtis. The guy who benched AJ Green for no reason.

Oh boy. Enjoy the free win this week with your latte, Lindy.

4. (LW #7) 53 Fire, 2-1 [92.3 PPG, .167 NPRP]

Well would you look at Bobby B ascending the rankings this week! Who knew the guy still knew how to get two wins in a row!?!

After what seemed like months of ridicule, Robert Brown has somehow made it back into the winner’s circle. Now projected to make playoffs (although it is still far too early), 53 Fire must continue this win streak against an unforgiving and vengeful Kessel Runners team.

Will he continue to have success though? Touting 2 backup running backs and some shaky WRs, can this lineup prove to be consistent enough to conquer the hungry Sean Brown?

Only time will tell, but as of this moment, Dad is projected to be handed his second loss of the year.

5. (LW #9) Luck Has It, 1-2 [105.67 PPG, .153 NPRP]

Luck sure had it this week, if “it” was a spiteful, nonsensical sense of range. Who throws the ball when up by 30+ points?!?! I’m looking at you, Luck and Julio.

Cool. You beat me.

Still, it is impressive to note that Cheryl’s first win catapulted her all the way up to 5^th, past some of the League’s elite members. Perhaps this is where Cheryl belongs?

We’ve all noticed how active this woman has been on the waiver wire. Perhaps she has been reading the blog while on vacation and came back with such rage that nothing could stop her?

Is that it, Cheryl? Have I been so mean to your sons’ teams that you had to take it out on me? Because I’m still on top. We’ll see if the slew of points continues, or if it was just a fluke. But from where I’m standing, you’ll have to go through the equally hot Randy Savages if you want to prove that you belong in the top half of the league.

6. (LW #4) Kessel Runners, 1-2 [90.67 PPG, .131 NPRP]

Another rough week in the Brown house, as Sean was thrown off-track again thanks to a weak showing by just about every reliable stud in the NFL.

Sean, filled with the burning rage of a thousand suns.

Thankfully, Sean has his Captain’s League twitter account to keep him sane (Follow him @CaptainsLeague on twitter for all your news and insider info regarding the league). What might drive Sean insane, however, is this week’s matchup.

While Sean has 7 starters who are top 10 in their respective positions, it hasn’t equaled many wins so far. This team is a mathematical anomaly, and he’s hoping to solve the equation against a smoldering 53 Fire.

Luckily, none of Sean’s big starters are on a bye. Unluckily, Bobby B has been getting crazy points from strange places these past few weeks.

Will Sean right the ship? Or will he be cast into Fantasy oblivion?

7. (LW #10) Randy Savages, 1-2 [88 PPG, .127 NPRP]

JUST WEHEN YOU THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD.

Well would you look at who just laid down the biggest beatdown all season WITH RANDY MOSS AT FLEX.

Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up.

Will really rubbed it in this week.

DJ Willie the Kid won by 75 points after deciding to play the greatest living free agent as his FLEX, a man who will always be flexing despite a guaranteed goose egg.

Has Will broken the blog open? By guaranteeing a win three weeks straight, has he transcended the laws set forth by the blog and become a more powerful owner?

I mean, all but two of his players (Randy and CJ2K) scored more than 12 points this week in a massive blowout. I think this was the team we were all expecting coming into Week One.

Can the streak continue, though? Or will it prove to be a fluke? Hopefully, he puts up again as he takes down Luck Has It (And…uh-oh, he’s expected to lose by 31).

8. (LW #5) I Do LTPA, 1-2 [83.3 PPG, .121 NPRP]

Corey woke up at the crack of dawn. Today was the day, the day where he walked into his office for the first time. He smiled as he sat up in bed, glancing over at Matt’s Arnold poster. He stood up proudly as he went to exit the room for some Game Day coffee.

As he left though, an overwhelming sense of shame came over him, like an unbalanced weight on his shoulders. He fell to his knees in the family room. Something was haunting him, there was no other explanation.

His eyes shifted as they began to water.

“What is it??” He thought, “what is doing this to me?”

He looked to the heavens, and that is when it caught his gaze. Above the doorway to his room, in all it’s glory, was a white UNLV jersey.

Jesus wept.

“How could I do this to myself,” he begged. “How could I fall 1-2 with such a pitiful showing?”

Questions plagued his mind as the room began to empty. All light was seemingly dissipating, along with the oxygen. Corey began to choke on his own tears in the bitter darkness of the morning, when one lone light began to shine across the room.

He glanced upwards from his knees towards the light, and he could have sworn that music was playing. It was nothing of this world, but of the next, as the tears were almost wiped clean for just an instant. What could this source of serenity be?

And there, levitating peacefully, was Katherine’s crown. It slowly began to drive towards the Earth, towards Corey.

He began to smile, and rose from his position on the floor to reach for it, but he wasn’t tall enough.

No, instead, Nick casually appeared from the darkness and took the crown as he always had before, placing it familiarly on his head. At that moment, the light, the crown, and Nick disappeared, leaving nothing in their wake except for a marking that read “0-6.”

WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Don’t you love the smell of a choke in the morning?? Hey Brock, is Corey going to beat me this week?

Boy, I hope so, but who am I to argue against Brock Lesnar?

I mean, Corey has some excellent matchups this week: Le’Veon against Tampa? Keenan against Jacksonville? Oh boy, things are looking bleak.

But first, he’s going to have to get out of this little slump he’s in. Can he do it? I guess we’ll find out. I’d hate to see him fall to 0-7 against me.

9. (LW #8) Rank This, 1-2 [80.67 PPG, .117 NPRP]

Dave, Dave, Dave. Have you stopped caring? I remember last year when you told me that you didn’t care until we started talking smack on the blog. Well, consider this motivation.

Get mad, Dave.

This team has been underperforming like crazy this year. I don’t even know what it is. Drew Brees had a decent game in a win for the Saints and you still couldn’t beat Bobby B.

Well Dave, we need to see some sort of flash this week from the defending champion as you take on the only undefeated team left in our fun, little league: Your oldest son.

Maybe you need to spice it up a little. You know, switch up your team. You’re set at QB, TE, and Kicker, but your RBs and WRs haven’t helped you out much so far, and your bench isn’t really worth mentioning.

But please, David. Live up to that 18 point spread and beat your son.

10. (LW #6) Staff Infection, 1-2 [78 PPG, .113 NPRP]

Oh Curtis. It’s a shame you had to jinx yourself Week One by sending that text message.

I mean, 78 points per game? What’s that? It’s not even worth rating.

Anyways, as much as I would love to tear your team to shreds all the way down here at 10^th, the league needs you to step up this week and beat Melinda while she is without Peyton or Julius or any other Bronco, for that matter.

Please, Curtis. You’re our only hope.