All scores are unofficial and were gathered at 12:14 AM Eastern Time on September 17, 2013.
This week I decided to make things more fluid. Due to complaints that I was "biased" in my rankings, I decided to create my own formula in order to generate my own power rankings. Below is the formula I created:
Nick's Power Rank Percentage (NPRP) = % Average Points (AVG PPG x Total AVG Points Scored) x (1 + Winning %)
On to the rankings!
1.) (LW #2) Kaep Happy 2-0, 124.5 PPG [.228 NPRP]
In my post-draft grades, I posed a simple question: Is Cheryl Smith a playoff sleeper? (
Grades and our first POWER RANKINGS, Aug. 20, 2013). Some people laughed and mocked the grades, but I think we can all see that Cheryl Smith means business. After winning a minor league championship last season, Cheryl was brought in through expansion to co-manage a team this year. And, after legal matters were sorted, she was given her own team upon the conditional rule that she participate. Well, Cheryl isn't just participating, she's dominating.
After a strong week one, she was challenged by her own son in week two, squeaking out a win despite the best game in a year from the Broken Clavicles. I fully expect this team to continue to push through adversity unless someone rises to the challenge.
This week, Kaep's joyful spirit takes on the presently bland Mama's Homemade Salsa, but Cheryl better be careful: Nick Brown is a specialist when it comes to pulling upsets
(AQUI@WWJD, Week One/Nick Brown v. Bob Brown, NCAA Football 08). Better avoid Mexican food this week, Mama II, because the salsa is coming in hot.
2.) (LW #6) Rank This 2-0, 117.5 PPG [.216 NPRP]
All right, Dave. We get it. We ranked you and you moved up. I REFUSE to believe you're making a playoff run. I mean, come on, the Saints have had 2 strong weeks. Without them, you're nothing. You've hit your ceiling, sir, and now the entire league is ready for you to take a dive.
And the worst part is that you beat my mom. IN OVERTIME. You tied her and then won because of your bench, which is just cruel. The Brown household will never forget this game. I heard my mom slander men and curse the heavens because of you.
You play the enraged Insane Clown Posse this week, which we expect to be a good game. Things may be lying slightly in your favor, as you're the 2 point favorite, but Bobby B is a man who is willing to play with fire in order to reclaim his pride. And a man without pride has nothing to lose.
3.) (LW #1) Cobra Commanders 1-1, 117.5 PPG [.161 NPRP]
There's an iconic scene in Steven Spielberg's award-winning
Saving Private Ryan where American troops storm the beaches of Normandy during the D-Day invasion. It sets the tone for the movie, as you witness soldiers burst into hot piles of flesh and experience the horrors of humanity.
In the scene, Tom Hanks's character nearly gets blown to bits as he comes on the beach. The explosion near him renders him temporarily deaf as he scans the bloodied beach. At one point, he glances northward and sees a young man on his back, with his intestines pouring out onto the dark sands of France. In the young man's last breaths, he does not call out for revenge, nor does he utter famous last words to be inscribed on the walls of some great memorial. Rather, the young man looks to the skies, and simply cries,
MAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
This week, all the Brown children (including Corey) were that young man. Upon witnessing the final seconds of Monday Night Football, and realizing that David Matthew Smith would defeat Melinda Brown in the closing seconds thanks to his bench, we cried. It was the loss of our innocence, for Mama B had fallen to our greatest enemy. And now, she must use the pain that we have rendered into a force and move on.
Defeat is difficult, mom. As they said during the Manningbowl, losing hurts more than victory satisfies. And now, you have experienced that. Thanks to a high point total week one, however, you didn't fall far. In fact, the Cobra Commanders are still the top-ranked team with a loss, and intend to keep it that way.
This week, Melinda comes in as 9-point underdogs against her first-born son, Sean Brown and What Would Jones Drew. If we learned anything this week, however, it is that Melinda will not shy away from biblically sacrificing her first-born for a Fantasy Victory. I expect a big, vengeful win.
4.) (LW #9) Probation 1-1, 115 PPG [.158 NPRP]
When most teams lose, they wallow in their shame for the next week, but not Curtis Smith. After losing poorly to then-10th ranked Rank This, Curtis took his pent-up rage and shoved it in the face of What Would Jones Drew?, potentially getting even for the classic 2002 Airsoft gun incident.
Curtis has bounced around the rankings since pre-season, and is seemingly getting comfortable with a top-5 position, but a tough matchup against red-hot rival Mosstradamus means that Curtis needs to maintain momentum and take down the reigning champ. If Curtis can do that, then I can't see why the boy can't become a man as he goes from Probation to Playoffs.
5.) (LW #8) ~ Mosstradamus 1-1, 109 PPG [.150 NPRP]
William Brown lay crying in the hallway. His head was throbbing with a forming bump as he rolled over on the hardwood, the cold moonbeams clashing violently with his warm tears. He had been shot.
It was a brutal assassination by nerf gun, as his older brother stood no more than 15 feet away, a silhouette in a doorway.
Then Will awoke. It was that same dream again. The flashback he had been having all his tortured life. That was the night Nick shot him. Because of that night, they had to leave Davis, as the hallway proved to be haunting from then on out. The next year, in late 2000 and early 2001, Will's family would migrate to Las Vegas in order to protect him. That was where he awoke now, 13 years later.
He sat up in bed and glanced sleepily to his left, at his favorite bear calender. It was then that he awoke at the sight of the date: September 15th.
Will drove to work as his family went to mass. Upon arriving, his co-worker Buddy informed him that the Angel Park staff had a party the night before to celebrate The Team's defeat of Bobby B, and that there should be some food left over in the cart area. Will smiled and obliged the invitation, constantly checking his phone for texts from girls who couldn't resist the Supreme side of life, and for fantasy football updates. This sun shone brightly as Will got the feeling that, despite his missing mass, God was on his side today.
Will got to the table and was hit by a stench, just as RGIII scored another junk-yardage touchdown. He laughed, in the way that you laugh when something plaguing you for years has finally been resolved, as he sent a text to his brother,
LOOKS LIKE THE SALSA'S GONE BAD.
Despite the potential for revenge, Will made a statement by not repeating last year's 0-3 start. He dominated, helping his NPRP numbers and squeeking out the final spot in the top-5.
Will faces his arch-nemesis, the fourth-ranked Curtis, this week, it what looks like the game of the week. If Will continues to steal the spice from Mama's Homemade Salsa, I expect him to pull off the upset.
6.) (LW#3) Mama's Homemade Salsa 1-1, 108.5 PPG [.149 NPRP]
After a weekend that consisted of Alabama's exacting revenge on Texas A&M and Johnny Foosball for last year's upset, Nick prepped all week to exact his own revenge for the playoff upset that was last year's 1 v 4 matchup. Without anyone knowing, Nick snuck downstairs before mass on Sunday morning and listened to Holy Diver in the dark, mounting his metaphorical tiger into a losing battle.
And, despite a heartbreaking defeat, Nick will never forget the wise words: "He who rides a tiger cannot dismount."
Yes, expect the salsa to be back this week, baby. Nicky B is riding strong, and he has something to prove against another top-ranked foe.
7.) (LW #10) Insane Clown Posse 1-1, 102.5 PPG [.141 NPRP]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAryFIuRxmQ
Congrats, you're no longer last. Now please beat Dave this week.
8.) (LW #7) Broken Clavicles 1-1, 100 PPG [.138 NPRP]
Last Monday night, Matthew David Smith trekked over to the Brown household and laughed in the face of his then-defeated opponent as he ate some Buffalo Wild Wings.
Well Matt, only winners get wings.
It's been tough for this kid at the bottom of the ranks every week. I honestly don't expect him to beat VERSACE VERSACE, but crazier things have happened. The looks might be able to top the wildcard.
9.) (LW #4) What Would Jones Drew? 0-2, 107 PPG [.098 NPRP]
Jones-Drew has lost two weeks staight, and injured his ankle on a circus tackle by Charles Woodson, so maybe it's best to not do as he does from now on.
Yes, it hurts me to say that the once-front runner has now dropped to ninth. But I still believe in this team to make a comeback and finish top-3. Let's look at the facts:
- Despite two straight losses, Sean has the 7th best PPG.
- Sean's team also has faced two teams who had their best games against him.
- In those two games, his opponent has scored over 118 points.
- No other team has faced back-to-back opponents who both scored over 118 points.
Yes, WWJD has had a rough go of things early on, but last year's champion started off 0-3. Don't expect Sean to do the same. While he faces a vengeful Cobra Commanders squad coming off a close loss, Sean has a strong enough team to begin his climb.
10.) (LW #5) VERSACE VERSACE 0-2, 88.5 PPG [.081 NPRP]
DOWN GOES FRAZIER.
What else can I say, Corey has had a rough go of things in this league, historically-speaking, and this 0-2 start can't be good for his confidence. And, aside from that, Corey has lost by at least 40 in both of his games this season. That could be due to his opponents getting hot, or the fact tht he has the fewst PPG of any team, but things are starting to look bleak in terms of a playoff picture. Luckily, he has an easy opponent this week in the Broken Clavicles.
But, if Corey winds up losing, it's a good thing the pillows and sheets are Versace, because he may want to sleep until next season.
